


Our Connection Will Save Us

by yellowcrayonwillow



Category: Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 104,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowcrayonwillow/pseuds/yellowcrayonwillow
Summary: AU story starts right after Season 3 ends. Explores a different path that is canon through Season 3 but ignores the movie and Season 4. After running away, Logan and Veronica both take paths to find their way back to one another. They've always been connected, but now that connection could mean the difference between LoVe or despair.
Relationships: Logan Echolls/Veronica Mars
Comments: 77
Kudos: 59





	1. Bloodshed, Lives Ruined

**Author's Note:**

> Re-posting on A03. Started on FF.net  
> Don't own it.

Chapter 1 – Bloodshed, ruined lives  
End of Season 3  
Logan 

"It's a nice gesture but it's going to take some time this time." She said as she sat down to eat her lunch. 

Dismissing me before I could say anything else. I just want to get past the "this is something I'm never getting over “and "this is the moment, where it's just done, you’re out of my life forever." I've laid out my heart so many times to this girl but it's never enough. I'm not enough or I'm too much? I have no fucking clue anymore. I've tried to be who she says she wants and I keep screwing up apparently. 

I'm going to walk away. Give her the space she seems to want but, this guy walks up and sits down in front of her. She looked uncomfortable and I still love her so I stand there while he insults her. She does nothing. Not a damn fucking thing. If she's not going to do anything about this asshole then I will. I've heard enough to know he's behind the sex tape. (Okay, not sex apparently but close enough for me to assume that the love of my life is having sex with yet another guy who isn't me.) I take a step towards him and she puts her hand on my arm. 

"Logan stop. He's connected like connected connected."

"Oh, I wondered why you didn't do anything.”

I should listen to her but I'm so angry. Angry that she's not mine, angry that I don't know what to with my life, how to be this person she wants. All I know is what I've been taught. Violence and love are twisted in my head. My father said he loved me but then he hit me again and again. Veronica won't even say the words but she only comes to me after violence, mine, and others, that's when she cares for me. I'm fucked up but I can own it. It's all of this that I think before kicking the connected guys’ ass for her. My love letters are written in blood. 

I see the look on her face when I am flip in my reply to the guy's death threats. It's there, that ghost of her admiration for me. I can't call it love because I can't bring myself to believe that she would love me. She lusts for me and I can make her scream where no other guy has succeeded but she doesn't love me, not like I love her. It’s why I walked away from her in the fall. I didn’t want to be alone with someone.

I need to leave. Get out before the consequences of my actions catch up to me. I see Piz staring at her and I apologize to him. Thank God for actor's genes because it sounds sincere. I'm anything but sorry for kicking his ass. Doesn't he know he touched my girl? I noticed him hanging around all year, not respecting our relationship even when we had one. And then making a move on her in my house. The place I spent so many hours worshipping her body. 

Did I mention that I'm a hypocrite? I get it. I know that I was having a party to celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday. I even asked for permission to ask said girlfriend out on a date. I know that means I moved on first and I have no right to care that she moved on too. Just like I think it's crazy for Veronica to be pissed at me for sleeping with someone while we were broken up. We weren't together so what business is it of hers? Yeah, hypocrite. But I didn't sleep with Parker and not for lack of trying on her part. I threw that fucking party so she wouldn't clue in that I wasn't okay. And if I'm really honest to throw it into Veronica's face. I just wanted to see some reaction. Something to tell me I'm not alone on this island so involved with her that I can't breathe without her. 

But there was nothing. I should have slept with Parker that night. Lord knows I could stand to get some. It's been three months since I last had sex. It feels like a lifetime. 

But I can’t shake the feeling that it would mean it’s really over between us. She doesn’t see sex like I do. To her it’s something meaningful between two people who care about each other. It’s a privilege that is shared with a select few. It doesn’t mean that to me. It’s a physical thing, not emotional, not really except with her and I guess Lilly (though that seems like it was hormones messing with my emotions now.) Sex is something that I’m good at, its one area where I’m not a failure, I don’t disappoint, and there’s no pain. Is it any wonder that I use it as a coping mechanism? I know it’s empty; I know that it fulfills a basic need I never had growing up. And now my thoughts are back on Piz. Is she going to take that final step? Am I going to be left behind, unable to get it up because my mind won’t let my body move forward? Cut off from one of my coping mechanisms; is it any wonder I’m drinking more than normal? My self-destructive tendencies taking hold of me. 

What does he have that I don’t? Her, apparently. I should just give up. She’s never going to choose me; she’s never going to trust me. That ship sailed in our junior year when I turned everyone against her. Why did I think she could ever get over that? Why do I fall for her every time she looks at me? 

I keep walking out of the cafeteria. I head to my room at the Neptune Grande. I have finals to study for and I’ll try to talk to her again in a few days. There’s time. As upset as I am, I refuse to believe that this is the end of us, that in the future I won’t have her in my arms again. Until that day comes, I’m just going to focus on me, trying to be a person she can be proud of. I can’t say if I’ll date while I’m waiting, but if the current deadness of my body is any indication that would be pointless. I’ll just bide my time. I know that she and I are meant to be together. We are epic. 

Veronica

I watch Logan walk away. I turn to Piz and the look on his face tells me that this conversation is not going to end well. 

“It’s always going to be him, isn’t it? You watch him commit violence on another human and your heart goes pity pat. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is? Like seriously, you need professional help if that’s what gets you going.”

He’s not wrong. Danger, adrenaline, all things that draw me to Logan. Then when it calms down and we can just be, I look for something to prove that he’s not the nice guy, he’s not the one for me. I probably do need professional help to sort that out, but there’s no way I’m letting anyone into my head like that. His comments just make me angry. Logan and I have a history. I guess I see his willingness to defend me as proof that he’s not the guy who spent a year tormenting me, making me a target, resulting in the worst violation that a woman can be subjected to. A violation that I have no actual memory of, but that happened twice in one night and resulted in me even getting an STD. 

“Piz, I don’t appreciate your comments. I’m not choosing Logan. He and I are over, finito, done. If I never see him again, I will only be too happy. Yet, it’s clear that you and I aren’t compatible either. I’m not some quiet, docile girl who’s going to put on an act to make you happy. I’ve done that before and it doesn’t end well.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised. I thought I knew who you are, but I have really only been seeing what I want to see. The pretty shell and not the ice princess that you truly are.”

We need to end this before it gets ugly, I think. 

“I didn’t try to lead you on. I’m sorry if you feel that way.” I say quietly and then I go for the cliché. “I hope that in time we can still be friends.”

Piz just looks at me and then nods before walking away. So great, two guys walking away from me. Granted one I told to leave me alone and the other I just can’t be with. I’m a mess and there’s still my father’s issues that I have to deal with. I hate this town. I can’t wait to leave for my FBI internship and never look back. But right now that’s only 3 months and then I’ll be right back here. My mind starts to crank and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to get out of here, get somewhere safe, and think things through. I need a plan. I don’t want to get professional help, but obviously the past few years are going to control my future if I don’t figure some shit out. 

I make a stop to vote for my dad and as I’m walking to my car, it begins to rain. It’s a great metaphor for my life. Ain’t no sunshine here. I’m miserable as I walk in the rain, hunched over, no answers to all the questions in my brain. Where do I go from here, how do I fix everything I’ve messed up, what do I want out of my life, how do I change these things, how do I stop feeling like a failure, do I go to Logan, do I want Logan? Oh crap, I’m thinking about Logan. I need to stop thinking about him. I need to stick to cutting him out of my life. He’s not good for me and I don’t think I’m good for him. I’m not stupid and I know that Logan is damaged by his past. I know that he needs more than I can give him. I can’t even say for sure that I forgive him for our shared past. I want to, but if I truly did would I always be looking for the worst in him? Maybe we’re just too young to be together. We’re just teenagers, isn’t that too young for an epic love? 

There’s no doubt in my mind that I do love Logan, even if I haven’t actually said the words to him. There’s just something about him. He gets me and it’s not just the physical connection we have although, let’s be honest there’s no one that can make me feel the way he does. It’s like he understands my trauma and doesn’t see me as weak. I’m not a victim to him; I’m a survivor, just like him. We see that in one another. His damage calls to my damage, but he’s the one who caused my damage. Did he break me to make me his perfect mate? I know he didn’t do it on purpose. There wasn’t a lot of thought that went into his actions, he was just a messed up, angry teen who didn’t know how to handle his emotions. But is it right that I had to pay for that?

One thing is clear, I have to leave. Not just for my internship, but I need to get away from Neptune and Logan. I need to figure things out. I need to figure me out. 

By this time, I’ve arrived where I find the most peace. Dog beach, scene to happiness and sadness. It’s where I can clear my head, decide on my next steps. Obviously I’m going to have to figure out how to repair my relationship with my dad. Even though I’ve already decided that it’s time for me to leave Neptune and strike out on my own, he’s still the most important person in my life. Saying I’m sorry isn’t going to be enough this time. I need to tell him things I’ve avoided mentioning for years. I need him to understand my motivations even if I don’t really understand them myself. I also need to talk to Wallace and Mac. They’re going to be hurt that I’m leaving, but it’s for the best and it’s not like I’ll never speak to them again. They’ll understand that I am turning into someone I can’t recognize, that I need to find who I am before I destroy us all.

I’m seriously considering just slipping away without saying anything to Logan. I’ve already told him he’s out of my life, what more do I need to say really? Further conversation will only serve to hurt us both. We can’t be together, there’s too much standing between us and I’m not sure I’m ready to have the conversations we truly need to have. Logan likes to joke that we need to work on our communication and I don’t know if he knows how true that is. Even the last time we got together, we didn’t talk. I just tried to say everything with my eyes and I thought he got it because within minutes we were up against the door to his hotel room and he was inside me again, making me realize again how true his words were when he said “FYI, if the cuddling’s the best part, he didn’t do it right”.

Even after we came down from our hormonal high, we didn’t try to talk. The one night I tried to get him to open up to me, he just kept pushing me away like he knew his secrets would destroy us. And he was right, they did, but he wasn’t right that I went digging for it. It came up to me and slapped me in the face in the form of Madison Sinclair. I don’t know what happened exactly that night between them, I’m sure it wasn’t as intimate as Madison made it out to me but the reality is probably just as bad. I can just hear his justification and excuses, it wasn’t me, I was drunk. That’s supposed to excuse everything he’s done to me? Sleeping with Kendall after declaring his love for me in that epic speech, not his fault, he was drunk. I’m getting angry all over again. Yep, best course of action is to just avoid him and walk away. I have enough issues, I don’t need his too. He’s a big boy; he can handle things on his own.

My resolution made, I get up from where I’ve been sitting on the beach and of course since the universe hates me, there he is. I should have known that my sanctuary is his as well. Wasn’t he a part of so many of the moments of happiness as well as sadness? I wonder that he hasn’t seen me yet; maybe I can slip away quietly. But then his head comes up and I know that there’s no avoiding. Even if I run to my car, he’ll chase. He’s a predator and there’s no way he can resist running down his prey if he perceives the slightest weakness. Better to just stand here waiting for him to stand in front of me. 

“Mars” he says with his smirk “didn’t think I’d see you sitting here in the rain. You look like a drowned rat, a very cute one, but still. What brings you to the beach on this less than sunny day?”

“Mars, are we back to this?” I ask, not willing to answer his other questions.

“I don’t know where we’re at.” He sighs. “I think that’s up to you really. I’ve never had a say before so not sure why I would now.”

“No say, really Logan?” I shouldn’t engage, but he’s rewriting history now and I just snap. “You broke up with me. I was the one with no say and then you did things I can’t deal with, but sure let’s make this my fault. I’m jealous and possessive and judgmental. I expect more from you than just a booty call. It’s my entire fucking fault. Just like it’s my fault that you asked out Parker and threw her in my face every chance you got. I’m the big love of your life but you just moved on and under another woman. Yet when I start to move on, you freak the fuck out. Don’t think I didn’t notice the look on your face. Don’t think I don’t know that you beat up Piz not because you thought he was guilty but because you thought you finally had an excuse I couldn’t get mad at you for. I bet it threw you for a loop when I didn’t just fall in your arms. ”

I can’t help how angry I’m getting. I wanted to slip away, not have another fight with him. Our fights usually don’t end well, or maybe they end too well with us gasping for air, too blissed out to fight anymore. But that doesn’t solve our problems, it doesn’t change our past. We’re just not right for each other and I should get out of here. Make an excuse about an appointment and let this go. He’s not part of my life; I don’t want him to be part of my life. No good will come from continuing. 

“You moved on. You slept with other people. I don’t care that we weren’t together. You did that. And what, I’m just supposed to get over it, aren’t I? Forgive and forget. Well guess what Logan, if you haven’t noticed I’m not that person. I can’t forgive and I sure as hell can’t forget. That part of me is gone; it disappeared the morning I woke up wondering where my virginity went.” My voice rising as I finally say everything I’ve always just pushed under. His face is almost comical in his upset. He looks like he’s on the verge of tears, but he doesn’t try to stop me as I continue to lay it all out for him.

“And why did that happen? Was it because I did something wrong? Because I was a bad person? No it was because you decided that I wasn’t good enough. You opened the doors, made it known that I was a slut, a whore. You fucking used my body like an object in that salt lick. Others did the deed, but you were just as responsible. And then you want to give me shit when I can’t find it in me to trust you, to think that you won’t decide to hate me again. I was your friend and you turned on me like a rabid dog. You were damaged, so I had to be too. You couldn’t leave me innocent, no you had to drag me down to your level. Now, I don’t even know who I am. I’ve ruined everything. What was it you said, that you can’t even remember because of course you were drunk, yet again. That’s your excuse for everything, it’s not my fault, I was fucked up. I don’t even think you realize you’re an alcoholic just like your mother. You don’t take responsibility for anything. So it’s my fault you don’t know where we’re at? Then let me clear it up for you. We’re nowhere. You and me, we’re nothing because I’m nothing. I’m broken thanks to you. I have to be broken because I love you so much still. Oh, yeah, we’re epic, lives ruined, bloodshed. Well that describes us but I don’t want to be one of the ruined lives. I want a future, a life free from all the trauma of the past few years. I want to be free of you and the person you made me. You say I never need you, but right now what I need is for that to be true, I need to not need you.”

My voice breaks, the tidal wave slowing. How sick is it that I want him to fix it still, that I want there to be a way for us to find a way through this. We’re toxic, I need to leave, I need to leave. I can’t breathe, my chest hurts and I realize I’m crying. All this time I thought the moisture on my cheeks was the rain, but no I’m fucking crying in front of him, giving him more ammunition to hurt me with. And he can hurt me, because I love him. I don’t know why, but I do. 

I’m going to walk away. I have to, as soon as I can catch my breath. I turn away from him and start walking to my car. I think I expect him to follow, to say something, but he doesn’t. It’s just silence behind me. I get into my car and turn over the engine. It’s like it’s all happening in slow motion in my mind. I know that when I pull out of the parking space, I’m going to go home, finally tell my dad the truth about everything and then I’m going to start planning my escape. Distance should help me come to some decisions about how I want my life to go. I don’t have to be defined by my past and I sure as hell won’t let it dictate my future. I can’t help but stare at him for a few more seconds before I throw the car in reverse. It feels like an ending, like a door slamming closed. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad, but I need to keep moving no matter what. Looking back, I think it was a beginning.

Logan

I can only stand there while she pours out all that vitriol on me. Everything she’s saying, it’s the truth. It hits home to the type of person that I am. I see goodness and I have to destroy it. I couldn’t stand that she was unharmed by everything. I am my father’s son. I’ve never been worthy of her. I’m not worthy of anyone. 

And then she’s walking away. I should say something, do something to stop her. But what? It’s like Cassidy on the roof all over again. I should stop her but I can’t. I can only stand there like an idiot, feeling her words crush my very soul, again and again. I’ve always wanted to know what she thought, if she truly loved me. To hear those words come out of her mouth in that context, yeah it’s a blow. I’ve screwed it up; I need to let her go. I’m never going to be good enough for her. I’ll just keep hurting her over and over again. 

I need help. I think that as I watch her drive away. I think it as I return to my room. I think it as I join Dick at a party. I need help. But who’s going to help me? I’ve driven away the one person who could save me. And isn’t that a problem right there? I am relying on a tiny blonde to save me. I’m pathetic; no wonder everything I touch turns to shit. 

Of course, I’m drinking and when someone offers me something stronger, a part of me says this isn’t right, this isn’t the help you need, but then I say fuck it. I need to forget, I need to not see her face, hear her words, know that I’ve fucked it all up again. Turns out there’s a lot of substances that can really help you forget.


	2. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - This is my first fan fiction ever. I have multiple chapters written, but I wanted to see what kind of response I would get and if I can figure out how to publish this in multiple chapters. So forgive me if formatting and everything is off. I'll try to do better in the future.

Six months later

Veronica

I got lucky and I’m enrolled in my dream school. I did some serious thinking while in Virginia for my internship and I decided that I don’t want to be an agent; I don’t want to be a PI. I still want to help people get justice but I think there’s a way to do that in a healthier manner. So I’m starting over in psychology. I think I want to be a profiler or possibly a lawyer. I haven’t fully decided yet. Thanks to some scholarships, I have some time to figure it out. 

Its been good and I’m starting to feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Because of my reckless and vengeful actions, my dad didn’t win the election, but he said it was for the best. His support didn’t help assuage the guilt I still felt. That last year, I was so reckless and selfish. I accused Logan of being aimless and violent but I think I was really talking about us both. 

I tried so hard to pretend like I was fine. I pushed everything down thinking that if I pretended it didn’t happen then it didn’t really happen. I should have seen the signs that I was out of control. I was holding everyone to insane standards, my dad, Logan. Instead of finding strength in those who loved me, I compartmentalized and pushed them away. 

Everything moved really fast after that last confrontation on the beach. I did exactly like I planned and I told my dad everything. He was shocked, but he quickly agreed that it was time for me to grow up and move on. 

When I told Wallace and Mac my plans, they were supportive. Wallace even quoted “The Help”.

“Don’t walk your skinny butt to Stanford, you run it there” Ahhh, papa bear. He can always make me smile.

They knew I was out of control and only wanted what was best for me. I told them that I wasn’t planning on saying anything to Logan and that I meant it when I said he was out of my life. I needed to move on and constant reminders of him was not going to help. 

Now I’m here, getting into the swing of things, finding my groove with my classes and my new roommate. I’ve been so busy I haven’t really had time to think about Neptune and the people I left behind though I do talk to my dad, Mac, and Wallace regularly. 

Piz has moved on and he’s dating some girl in one of his music appreciation classes so that’s a load off. I don’t have to feel guilty for bringing darkness into his otherwise sunny life. Parker seems to have moved on as well so I guess her relationship with Logan wasn’t as in depth as I was led to believe. You would think that if a guy asks you to travel with him all summer to foreign countries that you mean something to him. I don’t think I would have gotten the same invitation. Not that I am thinking about that. 

As much as possible, I’m trying not to think about Logan. It’s not easy and there are days when I just want to call him. I ache to see him or at least hear his voice. But the time and distance are helping. Not enough that I’m ready to start dating again, but enough that I can go whole hours without thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing, how he’s doing, who he’s doing. 

These are lines of thoughts that I can’t let myself go down. I made a decision and I can’t be sucked into his world again. But still, he populates my dreams and I can’t help but worry about him. 

I’m also seeing a therapist. I guess that doesn’t really help with the whole not thinking about him philosophy since so much of my damage and trauma are tied to him. I think I surprised my therapist and myself when he asked me what I was hoping to get out of our sessions and I answered “Logan”. 

I think I just want to get to a place that I could have him in my life again. I’m not ready to think in what capacity that would be; I just know that I feel an emptiness without him. He’s so much a part of whom I am and the only one who can really understand me, who doesn’t just see a victim. I need that in my life, I need him. 

I don’t know what he’s thinking or if he’s even thinking about me at this point. Knowing him, he’s probably found the next blonde bimbo to make him the happiest he’s ever been or maybe some trophy wife. Hell he’s probably performing acrobatic feats with Madison Sinclair. Lord know, Logan Echolls doesn’t waste time moving on. I should too; it would be the healthy thing to do. 

Logan

I don’t know where I am. That’s my first thought when I open my eyes. This isn’t my room at the Grande. It’s not a bad looking place and I can see the ocean from the bed, but I have no memory of it just yet. Before I can start to panic, it hits me, that’s right I don’t live at the Grande anymore. Turns out that when you decide to slide into the abyss, no amount of money is going to let the management turn a blind eye. 

I’m sober right now, but I know it won’t last long. Too soon I’m going to see her face, hear her last words to me and I’ll be hunting for something to make it all go away again. In my lucid periods I know that I’m living down to her expectations. I’m no good; I’m frivolous, wasting my life. I know this. I just can’t make myself care anymore. 

Dick didn’t seem to mind my partying ways at the beginning of the summer. He was as messed up as me and as long as I was showering and making an effort to leave my room, he wasn’t going to say anything. But by August, I think even he couldn’t ignore how far I’d fallen. Then began the nagging. 

Flashback to August  
“Dude, we need to start slowing down. Think about our future, school starts soon.” Dick says one morning after another night of drinking and getting high. He’s still mainly sticking with pot, but I’ve moved on. 

I need more to silence the voices in my head. I’ll try anything and if it works, then it’s going into rotation. I don’t want to hear about slowing down, I don’t even know if I want to take classes this semester. I mean what’s the point; wouldn’t that just cut into my silence?

“You do you. I’m just going to enjoy my freedom for a while longer.” I say to my concerned friend, doing another line of coke, welcoming the oblivion.

“I can’t even with you. Dude, you think I’m stupid don’t you? That I haven’t seen what you’re doing? You are on a bad path. You need help.”

Help, I need help. It’s still there, those words I thought after my last encounter with Veronica. But I’m not ready for help, not yet. So I lash out in anger. Dick takes my tirade for a few minutes and then kicks me out of the suite, tells me that he’ll be there for me when I’m ready but until then, he’s not going down with me.

Present Day

Some friend he turned out to be. So now I’m living in a condo on the beach that I bought for myself. That’s progress; wouldn’t she be proud of me? 

I haven’t touched another woman either and that’s saying something since most days I barely know who I am. Unlimited funds and a lack of desire to remember are a dangerous mix. Despite being a teenage guy, I just can’t find it in me to feel any desire and my mind seems to be in control of my body these days. I’m sure the drugs and the drinking aren’t helping but the result is the same. Logan Echolls, man whore extraordinaire, has been effectively neutered. 

Yet this morning, my mental block isn’t there because I’m painfully hard in a way I haven’t been for months. I’m confused and I double check that I’m alone. Somehow I still worry that if I sleep with someone, it will make things worse with her. 

Oh shit, that’s what’s going on. She was staring in my dreams, the one place that I can’t forget apparently. In my dream, Veronica is leaning over me, clad in a black lace bra and lacy boy shorts, looking like an angelic sex goddess. My hands are tied above my head, keeping me from touching her the way I long to. She’s whispering in my ear finally saying the three words I always wanted to hear her say, I love you. 

She ghosts her hands up and down my chest, tickling me with her long golden hair. She keeps going lower and lower, teasing me with soft caresses, building my anticipation. My mouth is dry. I’m afraid to say anything lest she decide to stop. My heart is racing, just when I think she’s finally going to take my desperate cock in her mouth, she crawls back up and whispers in my ear. “Logan, you’re not listening. I need you, but you’ve broken the connection.” 

Maybe there’s something I could take that would keep me from sleeping so I won’t remember even there. That would probably make me crazy. Isn’t there the whole thing that humans can’t live without sleep? Oh fuck, my erection is not going away. I should probably take care of it, but that feels like giving into the dream. 

If she’s needs me, then why won’t she let me have her? Why can’t I run my hands over her exquisite body, taste her, drink her in as she explodes. I want her so bad, it literally hurts. Without thinking my hand reaches down, thoughts of her over me driving me. I’ll erase the memories later I tell myself. Just one trip down memory lane and then another kind of trip, sitting still in my chair. 

I need help. When I’ve cried out, gasping her name, trembling all over from my release, I think again that I need help. I could seek out help, maybe Dick or Mac or even Wallace. I could not take the next hit. I could, but why wouldn’t I? Oblivion is what I live for. 

A few days later

I wake up again. I don’t know where I am. There’s white everywhere. I feel like a train ran me over. Faces looking down at me. Look at little orphan Annie, so broken in the bed. I’m in a hospital and that’s not some strangers face above me, that’s Dick. I forgot that my friend still likes to check in on me from time to time.

“Dude, please, you’ve got to get help. You’ve got to. I can’t lose you. You’re my brother; you’re all I have left. Please I can’t lose you.” Dick is crying. He looks wrecked. Probably good I can’t see myself cause the way my body feels I doubt I look much better. 

I say the only thing I can think of, the words in my head for months now, “I need help”.

“Oh thank god, you’re seeing sense. I’ll get you help dude, whatever you need.”


	3. Working through the pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - So updates probably won't always come this fast. This is a long chapter and right now I'm more focused on Logan than Veronica though I will get back to her then. I just always felt like he was a more interesting character and there was a lot not explored there. Let me know what you think of it so far.

One month later

Logan

So here I am, getting help. I don’t know why I agreed to this, it doesn’t seem to be helping. These people force me to remember and I know that if I just left, I’d be able to get something to make me forget again. I want that oblivion so badly. Instead, I stay; I try to do what they want me to do. I pour out all my damage in group and one on one session. 

“Hi, I’m Logan and I’m an addict.”

My counselor tells me that I have unhealthy coping mechanisms that I have to find strength within myself rather than looking for it externally. It’s a bunch of clichés, how can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself type bullshit, but the longer I’m here, the more it all seems to make sense. All my life, I’ve been looking to others to fix what was broken inside me. 

My parents didn’t love me, didn’t care so I latched onto a dream of a family. I fell into Lilly because she wanted me. I confused physical pleasure with love; sex was a commodity and something I could excel at. Even when I knew it wasn’t good, that a relationship shouldn’t make you feel worse about yourself, I still clung to her because she was the gateway to the others, to Duncan and Veronica. With them, I could be normal, I could be me and I felt loved. But even then I let Lilly treat me like shit because I knew deep down that I didn’t deserve that love. Every time Lilly cheated on me or treated me like shit, it was like an affirmation of everything my father had always told me. I was no good, I wasn’t worth anything, I wasn’t someone others could love. 

When Lilly died and Duncan became a zombie, I didn’t know what to do. I was so angry. My counselor says my anger is probably because I’m not stupid and deep down I knew that the way I was treated at home wasn’t normal or right. She thinks that I actually do believe I’m worth something just it’s so buried that it got twisted somehow. She thinks that if I can finally bring that belief to the surface that I could heal the damage and find a path forward that isn’t just self-fulfilling prophecy of my lack of worth. I want to believe her, I do, but I’m still so angry. 

Life’s not fair, I get that, I really do, but I just want to lash out at the world that left me so broken. I want to throw a temper tantrum and break things. In reality that’s what I did to Veronica. I threw a yearlong temper tantrum and tried to break my favorite toy. 

She was so clean and pure and shiny. She had everything I never had, the love of her parents, an innocence that allowed her to nurture the inherent goodness in her. I had violence and broken bones and lies of love. So I lashed out. Understanding why I did what I did, doesn’t change the end results. It doesn’t absolve me of my guilt. It makes it easier to assess my reactions to things, to look at our shared history and understand my motivation. Supposedly, I can use that awareness in the future to make better decisions. 

There’s supposed to be something good still in me, some innocence that wasn’t beaten out of me which is why I have the need to protect. I couldn’t protect myself or my mom or Lilly, but with Veronica, I could protect her. I could try to undo the damage that I caused. 

That’s why I raced to the Camelot that day when I heard the fear in her voice. Here was someone I could protect, someone I could save, show that I had worth. I didn’t expect her to show her gratitude by kissing my cheek, but when she did, my world narrowed. I just wanted her; I wanted to keep that look on her face, to feel that I was someone worthy of her. So I pulled her back and kissed her. 

I didn’t expect the fireworks I felt or how my entire body felt like it was on fire. I had never felt that before with any of the women I’d kissed, not even Lilly. It’s only been that way with her, like it wasn’t just our bodies connecting, but our very souls.

After that, everything I did was all about trying to protect her, to be someone that she could love. I wanted her to love me, to see something in me. But I’m screwed up and I didn’t know how to handle anything properly. That and I’m a teenaged guy so I do stupid things and don’t think things through. Why did I think that she would find my war with Weevil to be okay? Why did I think going to TJ with Mercer and not even telling her about the trip was the way to gain her trust? I was old before my time, but still so immature. 

Hence my temper tantrums. That’s what Jane, my counselor calls them. 

She says I’m like a five year old in emotional years. I don’t know how to process or deal with my feelings so I just act like a five year old would when something doesn’t go his way. I have to grow up in that respect, learn to have more healthy reactions to negative stimuli. But most importantly, I have to learn to love myself and see what’s good in me before I can ever expect someone else to. I also have to find a way to forgive myself and others for letting me down again and again. I have to take responsibility for my actions and their consequences, but I’m not responsible for everyone else’s actions. The world does not revolve around me. 

So yeah, therapy. I’m not sure if it’s helping at all, but I’m trying. A part of me wants to say fuck it and continue on my downward spiral, but the vast majority of me, wants this help. I guess I want to live; I want to have a chance in the future to make amends. I want to be someone I can be proud of, someone she can be proud of. 

I want to experience that feeling again of fire reaching into my soul, cleansing me, making me better than I was before she was part of me.

Jane asked if I wanted to invite anyone into our sessions, so I can get feedback from those who love me and so she can understand my support network. Dick didn’t even cross my mind, though I know he’s my best friend. He’s the only one who stood by me through everything. He’s loyal to a fault, but he’s still Dick and while he pushed me in here, I can’t see him being one to keep me on the straight and narrow when I get out.

I thought about Veronica, but I’m not ready to see her or hear how much she hates me. I’m too afraid that I’ll find our connection is gone and we’re nothing but strangers now. Besides, isn’t the saying that if you love someone you have to let them go? She’s made it very clear that I’m not who she wants or needs. She has left and I’m hoping that she’s happy wherever she is. I don’t need to drag her into my shit again, not now anyways. I need to get strong and healthy first. Then maybe I can see her and try to win back her regard. 

Instead, I’m sitting across from someone I respect so much but who hates me. Not that I can blame him, I’ve given plenty of cause for him to hate me. I yelled at his daughter, I abandoned her when she needed me, I was reckless and stupid. 

So why in the hell did I ask Jane to contact Keith Mars of all people? Oh yeah, because I’m a masochist and I wanted to be close to her and to see that disappointment reflected in the eyes of the one person she does trust. And I want his care. I want to be someone that he trusts and loves too. If I can get there, maybe I’d have a chance of getting her love.

Keith

I don’t know why I’m here. When I got the call from Serenity Gardens, I thought for sure it was a funeral home, calling me about my ex-wife. I guess it’s better that it is actually a rehab facility, but I wasn’t expecting it to be an invitation to join a group therapy session for Logan Echolls of all people. I didn’t even know he was in rehab. I don’t know that I’m surprised, but I am unsure why I’m being invited. 

I have no relationship with the boy; can barely tolerate him most days and I can’t say that I’m sad that he’s out of my daughter’s life especially in light of her confessions before leaving Neptune. I can barely stand to look at him knowing that his actions caused my little girl to be hurt. I want to be reasonable, but being a parent, it’s hard for me to be rational when it comes to my child being hurt. I’ve literally walked through fire for her and I’d do it again if she needed me to.

I guess that’s why I’m here. I want to tell him off, I want to see what possible excuse he could have for his behavior. I want to understand a monster. 

I’ve become accustomed to the boy with no respect for his elders, entitled with a biting sarcastic wit. So to say I’m surprised by the Logan in front of me is an understatement. I didn’t expect a shy and repentant Logan Echolls. A broken boy torn open and bare, the masks gone with pain rolling off him in waves. 

There is nothing of his father here, a monster who felt no remorse for his actions; this is a young man who has been savaged by life and is trying to find a way to pull himself together. I want to hate him, I want to yell at him, but the things he’s saying, I just can’t find the words. 

I’ve known him since he was 12 and I just thought he was an entitled, spoiled kid with no supervision to quell his baser instincts. Instead, the boy in front of me is a sensitive, damaged child, the victim as much as he is the perpetuator. Stories of beatings and cigarette burns, abandonment, living in fear, unloved, unsure of what was right or wrong. 

How did I not see this? With all of my experience and my less than humble belief in my investigative skills, how did I not see what was happening to him? It's clear to me that Veronica only shared her secrets when she did her grand confession. Even when sharing his role in her rape, she tried to shield that which he had gone to such pains to hide. 

Looking at him now, with fresh knowledge, I can see how it all fits. He's a textbook for an abuse victim. 

I’ve stayed silent through all of it, my mind racing. All I can think is I failed him; I was another adult in his life that failed him. I could have helped him and I just focused on his impact on Veronica. I never looked at him outside of the lens of her. 

“It doesn’t excuse anything. I know that. I’ve done unforgivable things; I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know that I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to be someone you could trust.” He’s crying as he says this showing a level of maturity I never would have suspected him capable of. 

I’m at a loss. I have no idea where to go with all of this. I just look at him. I know there’s something I should say, maybe go back to my original plan and tell him off, but I can’t do it. I’m frozen in my guilt. 

I was so wrong; he’s not an evil person. He’s just a person, alone in the world except for one friend who’s just as broken as him. He’s right, the past doesn’t excuse his actions, but seeing him in this new light, I can see what Veronica must have seen, a person worthy of love, worthy of her love. I see who he can become if he’s given the right guidance and support, if he can overcome his own demons, a strong young man with kindness and a need to protect those around him. I’m overwhelmed with a need to make right where I failed him so many years before.

Logan

I expected a lot of things from this session with Keith. I expected him to yell at me, hit me, tell me that I was worth nothing, that he’s glad that I’m out of his daughter’s life. 

What I did not expect was silence and tears streaming down his face. I didn’t expect to find myself being held by an adult male, not trying to hurt me, but trying to provide me comfort. I’m frozen at first; my tears had slowed as I told him my real story, my mask falling in place to protect me from the worst of the memories as Jane would say. Pulling into my shell, getting ready to lash out, to defend myself. Instead his arms break my shell apart and I can only cry in his embrace.

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t mean to be so bad.” I cry much like a child, like the five year old Jane tells me I am emotionally. 

Keith’s rocking me, petting my hair. Is this what a parent is supposed to do? I’m getting uncomfortable, I don’t know how to deal with this, it’s too much and everything I’ve ever needed all at once. My breathing gets shallower and shallower, my heartbeat racing. I have to get away, I need to run, to hurt. My vision narrows, everything darkening.

“Logan, Logan, focus. Breathe, breath, in and out, deep breaths. You’re okay, you’re safe. Stay with me Logan, focus on my breathing, breath with me.“ Jane is beside me. Panic attack, that’s what she calls these. 

Duncan had epileptic episodes where he doesn’t realize his actions, I have panic attacks, debilitating physical reactions where I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to deal with strong emotions outside of anger and my body literally rejects help. I focus on Jane, Keith’s arms still around me, trying to focus on her breathing.

In, out, in out. I feel my heartrate start to slow. My breathing sounds less harsh, but I’m not ready to talk or move or do much beyond focusing on my breath and listen to the adults talk over my head. I really am a fucking five year old.

“Does this happen a lot?” Keith asks Jane, concern evident in his voice.

“In a lot of ways, Logan is still very young, his inability to deal with strong positive emotions tends to manifest itself physically. We’ve been working on the panic attacks, but they’re still fairly frequent at this point. Over time, he will learn other more healthy methods for managing his emotions. We’re basically starting from scratch.“ Jane responds. 

So much for patient-doctor privacy.

“Logan hasn’t had an opportunity to learn healthy emotional responses. He only understands negative stimuli because that’s all he’s ever known. If you had yelled at him, he would have known how to handle it; he would have even expected it. Your reaction is one he doesn’t know how to process. A part of him wants to push you away, to prove yet again that he’s not worthy of care and love, but he’s made a lot of progress these past few months. Unfortunately, that war inside of him manifests in other ways that can be just as dangerous.” She continues, explaining not just for Keith’s benefit, but mine. 

This is something we’ve been working on, me being able to handle positive reinforcement so I don’t just lash out trying to get to something familiar. It’s hard because I don’t really believe everything she says yet. I still don’t know why I would be worthy of love. Don’t they know how terrible I am?

“Logan, are you able to take a drink?” She asks me, holding a bottle of water towards my face. It strikes me that anyone seeing this tableau right now would find it very funny. Keith is still holding me like I’m Veronica, strong arms around me, not trying to hurt me. Jane pushes my hair up off my face, wipes tears away from my cheeks and gives me a small smile. 

I nod, still unable to speak, and slowly pull away from Keith, taking the water bottle and a small sip. I sit up, but Keith keeps a hand on my shoulder, trying to steady me. I’m grateful, but I still have to keep from shrugging him off, still expecting pain.

“That’s it, slowly. Focus on your breathing, you’re safe. It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. When you’re ready, I’d like you to try to verbalize your emotions so we can find a way for you to manage them.” Jane calmly says.

I continue to sip at my water, but I nod again, letting her know I hear her. My breathing is coming easier; the bottle in my hands isn’t shaking. I survived; I’m just not sure I’m ready for the next step in this healing process. I mentally push myself, wallowing in self-pity is not going to get me anywhere. I want this, I want to fix me and that means I have to push. 

“Shame.” My voice is gruff, like I haven’t spoken in months. 

“Shame,” Jane repeats, “you’re going to have to give me more than just a single word.”

Keith is still looking at me and I don’t know how to continue. I meet his eyes and then look down at the floor.

“Shame that I’m not better, shame for what I’ve done, shame for being a weak person, for not protecting Veronica when she needed me to.” I let it all tumble out of me. 

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Logan” Keith starts to say but Jane cuts him off.

“It’s not helpful to dismiss his feelings. Whether you agree or not, it’s how he feels. Letting him off the hook, doesn’t help him understand and how to find healthier paths. Logan needs to own his emotions and his actions.” Jane says looking at me sternly. 

I’m so tired, I have barely moved, but I feel like I’ve been running for hours. I just want to curl up and go to sleep, but I know that I’m not done. I know that Jane expects more from me. I have to own my emotions, just like she said. I have to find a way to articulate how I feel right now, what triggered my panic attack. I have to say it so I can hear it from myself so maybe I’ll believe it finally.

“When Keith hugged me, I expected pain. I’ve never been touched by an adult male in a way that doesn’t hurt. I wanted him to hurt me, to punish me for what I’ve done. It feels like a trick otherwise and the fear took over. If I trust that pain isn’t coming, that I could be cared for, it will hurt that much more when it does happen. I need to protect myself. I was scared and I wanted to pull away but I was afraid that then I’d be hurt more.” I whisper looking at my feet.

“Logan, I think you know that Keith wasn’t going to hurt you. He’s not Aaron.” Jane admonishes me.

“But he has.” I defend.

Before Jane can call me out again, Keith speaks up. “He’s not wrong. I have hurt him. I found him yelling at my daughter and I didn’t even think about him, I just saw a dangerous person who I had to get away from my daughter. I used a hold on him and pushed him into the wall. I didn’t think about how that hurt him.”

“Logan, I’m very sorry for that. I would like to say that if I knew your history then that I would have done things differently, but I can’t say that. I reacted to what I saw as a threat to my daughter, your anger scared me. It reminded me of your father. I couldn’t be sure that you wouldn’t hurt her.” He continues.

“I’m not him. I wouldn’t, I would never hurt her, not physically, not intentionally. I could never harm her that way.” I say quickly, shaking my head, horror in my eyes at the thought of hurting Veronica the way I had been.

“I know that now. I’ve known that for a while now. You would do anything to protect my daughter. I get that now, but then I worked with the evidence in front of me.” 

“I don’t want to be the person who scares people. I want to be better, I’m trying. I’m really trying.” I sob. Please see that I’m trying, don’t give up on me is what I’m really saying. Everything is so messed up in my head, Keith substituting for what I wanted from Aaron for all those years. I want him to be proud of me, to trust me with his daughter. I want him to care for me as me, not as the guy his daughter dated once upon a time.

“Logan, I think you’re going to have to tell Keith what you’re hoping for. Remember how we talked about asking for what you need. When you assume that others are going to just give you what you need without any input from you, you’re just going to be disappointed.” Jane gently reminds me.

“I want you to be proud of me. I want to earn your respect, you’re the only parent I know who seems to know what a parent is. I look at your relationship with your daughter and I’m jealous. I respect you so much. I want you to care about me because of me and not because of my relationship with your daughter. I want to learn from you how to be a better man, a man that Veronica would love. I want…” I trail off, unsure what else I want. I hold my breath, waiting, expecting him to say that I’m not his problem, to walk out and leave me here alone.

I’m trying to learn how to be on my own, to be okay with just me. I am, but Jane has been adamant that I will continue to need help even after I’m released. I have to have support and someone to turn to when I don’t know what to do. 

Keith was the only person I could think of. I know it’s strange, that it puts him in a tough position with his daughter who doesn’t want me in her life. I know it seems like I’m manipulating the situation, using him to get to her. But I swear, that’s not entirely what I’m doing, I really do think Keith is someone who could help me find a better path, figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

“Logan.” Keith starts, takes a deep breath and lets it out before continuing. “I won’t be a gateway to Veronica. She needs her space and to live her life how she chooses it.”

“I know and I’m not asking for that. I’m not ready for Veronica; I don’t know that I ever will be. I can’t be near her. I would just end up hurting her again, drowning myself in her so I don’t have to fix anything. I know that. I will stay away from her. I promise. But I need help; I can’t do this on my own. Jane says I’m a five year old and she’s not wrong. In so many ways, I’m a kid and I don’t have any answers. I don’t have anyone in my life that can help me make good choices. I don’t want to be Aaron, I want to be you.” I rush through it, knowing that I have seconds to get him to understand. 

His love for his daughter is both my saving grace and my downfall. If he refuses, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably just stay at Serenity Gardens forever so I don’t have to face the world on my own. Although I doubt my trust fund would cover that for the rest of my life. 

Turning to Jane, Keith asks “so what does this help look like? Does he come to live with me and how does that work with my daughter who he clearly can’t be near?”

“I don’t think he’s looking for you to take him in, isn’t that right Logan?” Jane responds, pushing this all back on me. We’ve talked about this, what I would need, what I’d want if Keith agreed. I just never thought we’d get here. I didn’t think he’d be considering helping me. 

“I don’t need to live with you. While I’m a kid emotionally, legally I’m an adult. I own a condo, I have money, I can take care of that sort of thing myself. What I need is a different kind of support. I need someone to talk to, to check on me, to ensure that I’m not just letting myself go backwards, to call me on my shit. I need someone to help me decide on what to do. It’ll be my decision, my responsibility, but I need someone to care, to be there.”

“I can do that.” Keith says quietly. Then he looks at me sternly “I’m going to hold you to your promise about Veronica. I will not discuss her with you in terms of your current state. Where she is, how she’s doing, all of that is off limits. But I can be there for you; I can meet with you regularly, get to know you and try to impart some of my vast wisdom on you.” He finishes with a smile. 

“Teach me Obi-one-Keith” I grin back at him, happy to use some of the banter and snark that has been the trademark of my relationship with his daughter and his too, if I’m honest. Of course, Jane will call me on it. I’m apparently not allowed to use sarcasm right now. Its deflection, blah, blah, blah.

And right on cue, “Logan, we’ve talked about that. Using sarcasm as deflection instead of owning your emotions is not going to be helpful in the long run.”

Surprisingly, Keith defends me to Jane. “It’s okay, it’s how we communicate. I will ensure he doesn’t slide too much, but the one thing I have always enjoyed about the boy is his quick wit, let him keep that.”

I just smile. Jane says our time is up and we’ll work out the details in the coming weeks before my release. It won’t be easy to build a relationship and at first it’s going to feel forced, but over time, I’m hoping to become a person on my own in Keith’s eyes. 

Jane thanks Keith for coming and releases me for the day. I wander back to my room, exhausted but happy for the first time in a long time. I can do this. I can make this work. I lay down on my bed and I allow myself to envision a future with Keith and Veronica, part of a family. I fall asleep to sugar plums dancing in my head and a nearly naked Veronica in a Santa hat dancing over me. What can I say, I am a teenage boy.


	4. A work in progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Thanks to everyone whose started reading this story. Please review so I know what you think. I have an idea of where this is going so updates will be fairly regular.

A year later

Veronica

I tried to call my dad earlier today, but I must have caught him on his way to a client meeting or something. He’s pretty cagey about where he’s going and what he’s up to these days, but I’m too distracted by my exams to pay too much attention. It’s just a sense I get that he’s keeping something from me. No matter, Thanksgiving break is coming up soon and I’ll get it out of him then. It’s probably something to do with someone he’s dating. 

I’m actually looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. I haven’t been home since I left over a year ago. I stayed up North, working through the holidays and summer break. My dad has visited, as have Mac and Wallace, but it’s not the same as going home. 

My classes are going really well and I’m feeling happy with how everything is going. Who knew talking about all that pesky trauma would be a good thing. It's definitely helped me to sleep better than I have in a long time. I didn’t even realize how utterly exhausted I have been.

I guess I didn’t know best when I just tried to shove it down deep and pretended like it all happened to another person. I know now that it all just came out in other ways, in putting myself and those I love in danger, and looking for people to live down to my expectations. Especially Logan. I can see how damaged I was and still am.

All of this growth doesn’t mean I’m ready to see Logan yet, but I am ready to return to Neptune, to see my friends and try to just have some fun. As small as Neptune is, we don’t really run in the same circles. His idea of fun is not mine. I think we should have no problems keeping apart. 

I’m walking across the quad, enjoying the late November sunshine, thinking over my last test when I hear my name being called.

“Veronica, yo, Veronica, wait up.” I pause to look at the guy joining me. Tall, dark and certainly yummy, Chris is in my abnormal psych class. I’m still not dating, instead focusing on myself, but if I do decide to take that step, I could see worse people than Chris. Chris and I have been spending a lot of time together studying for our exams and I can see that he’s a good person. Originally from Pennsylvania, he’s a premed major without all the drama and baggage that I’m used to.

“What’s up?” I ask

“So exams are done, I’m not heading out to PA until tomorrow, so I was hoping that you and I could grab some dinner, maybe do some more of that shameless flirting we’ve been doing.” He says.

If I say yes, does that mean I’m ready to start dating? It’s just one dinner and then I won’t see him for a week before we come back for the end of the semester. It’s just dinner; it’s not a marriage proposal. Geez, Veronica, stop overthinking everything, not every relationship has to be the one. You can just have fun; maybe see what things are like without all the epic drama. 

Lord knows, I could stand to have some fun, and not just dinner, but the kind that makes me boneless and breathless. Naturally as soon as I think about sex, Logan’s face pops into my head. Yep, not going there. He can have meaningless sex and so can I. We’re not together so I can do whatever and whoever I want. Chris is still looking at me, waiting for an answer. 

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”

“How about that Chinese place right off campus. Good food, good conversation, we’ll see where it goes from there.” He sure doesn’t beat around the bush. I agree to meet him at 7 and leave to go back to my dorm to start packing since I’m going to be heading home in the morning too. 

My date was good; Chris and I have a lot in common, similar tastes in bad movies, pop culture. It’s the textbook definition of a great first date, until the end. When he leaned forward to kiss me, it was like Troy all over again, but instead of reliving the morning after my rape, I see Logan’s face when I told him he was out of my life forever. That devastated look and I pulled back. I tell him to have a happy Thanksgiving and I’ll see him when I return. 

Lying in bed that night, I think about my life and my upcoming time in Neptune. First and foremost, I need to make sure I spend some time with my father and figure out what he’s keeping from me. I want to spend time catching up with Mac and Wallace, just enjoying being a recently turned twenty-one year old. 

I will not be taking on any cases, that part of my life is done. It was a coping mechanism, I now realize, a way for me to implement control when I felt out of control. I don’t need it now, I have a focus and I’m headed in the right direction. I’m going to channel all the skills that made me a successful PI into a new career path. Right now, I’m leaning towards becoming a defense attorney, helping those who commit wrong get their comeuppance. 

Despite my reaction earlier, I’m still going to avoid Logan this trip. Seeing him won't help me to move forward. I still believe that we have a part in each other’s lives in the future, but the time is not now. All we seem to do is hurt one another and I can’t handle the fighting that is a trademark of our relationship. Too much passion and we’re just toxic. I haven’t heard a word about him in all this time and I can only imagine what he’s doing. Not that I allow myself to think of it very often. While I’m not ready to be near him especially since I’m a work in progress, I know I want to know about his latest conquests even less. 

There’s so much that I’m not ready to let go of yet. My jealousy is one of those things. I have so many insecurities about sex and Logan’s experience has always made me feel worse even while I’ve benefitted. I just don’t understand how he can tell me that he loves me and then just not. 

I know I owe him an apology at some point for the way I treated him that day on the beach. For as much as he hurt me, he wasn’t alone in that. I never gave him a chance, I was constantly waiting for him to hurt me, but I was so angry when he did. Until I can heal from what happened to me and the role he played in it, I can’t even stand to see him. 

Now if that would translate to me being able to start living my life fully without considering how Logan would react, that would be nice. 

I fall asleep, still thinking about Logan and how many mistakes we’ve both made. My last conscious thought is ‘we’re better off apart’. 

Logan

Veronica is coming home. Keith has kept to his original promise not to discuss her with me, but I guess he thought I needed to know so I don’t wonder why I can’t come by for a few days. The past ten months, I’ve really come to rely on Keith. I meet up with him several times a week and we just talk. He tells me like it is, he calls me on my bullshit. He doesn’t praise easily so when he does, it means so much more. On occasion, I’ve stayed over when I wasn’t sure if I could make it through a night on my own. It will be weird to be cut off from him, but I understand.

Dick suggested that we go out of town for the holiday since we don’t have any family, but Mac invited me over to her house to have dinner with her family and I want that so much. Last year’s Thanksgiving was spent in Serenity Gardens and I want to spend this year with people who don’t see me as broken. I want to see how a family really does the holidays without all the media pomp. Keith agreed with me that it was the right choice rather than putting myself in a position where I could slide back into my old ways. I guess that’s why he finally told me that she was coming home. 

I’ve gone back to school, finally found a direction for my degree. I still don’t know what I’m going to do long term, but at least right now I have a goal. I’m majoring in sociology with a minor in business. It allows me to take classes that interest me, that help me understand the world I live in. Keith has been pushing me to think about what the degrees will translate to, but I just haven’t figured it out. I can’t really see myself in a 9-5 type job. I know I don’t want to be a social worker, but I feel like I’ll figure it out. For now, I’m just taking it day by day. Not all the decisions have to be made right now. 

I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve remained friends with Dick who surprisingly has been very supportive of my need to stay away from triggers which includes parties. He understands that I’m not ready for dating or even the meaningless hookups of the past. All of those things, I’ve learned just kept me from growing. They were acts of the five year old crying for a shiny toy. Instant gratification. I have to find worth outside the bedroom so I’m focused on my small group of friends and my schoolwork. I’ve also been working out a lot. Exercise replaces a lot that I can’t have in my life right now. 

I was really surprised when I returned to Hearst that Mac actually sought me out. I tended to think of her as Veronica’s so when we were over, she wasn’t my friend anymore. Mac called me out for that behavior, reminding me that she spent time with me outside of my relationship with Veronica or even Parker. 

Once I got over my shock that she still wanted to hang out, I was ecstatic. I’ve always loved Mac; she’s always been fun to be with. She also kept our site going, even expanded it and made it very successful. So I guess we’re business partners in addition to friends. Through Mac, I was able to mend some fences with Parker since she’s still rooming with Mac. Of course when Parker suggested that we get back together I told her I wasn’t dating and I couldn’t offer her anything. She took it pretty well and seems to be dating some guy named Matt these days that she met in one of her classes. I don’t see her too often, which is probably for the best. 

Parker was yet another casualty of my relationship with Veronica. A way for me to prove to her that I was over her when nothing was further from the truth. It's not that I didn’t like Parker, cause I did, but it was never going to be anything more than a screen for the heartache I still felt. Parker kept me from running back to Veronica and begging for another chance like a bitch. She didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did especially after everything she went through last year, but I can’t really feel too guilty. If even Dick could see the impact Veronica always had on me, then how did Parker really think she was going to compare? 

The biggest surprise since I’ve been home is my friendship with Wallace. Him, more so than Mac, I’ve always just considered as Veronica’s. I know that we hung out a few times, but I assumed that where Veronica goes, so does her papa bear. That probably was the case, but we ended up in a class together and we started working together on a project. He flat out told me that I couldn’t use him to get to Veronica and after that initial awkward conversation; we were able to work together and find common ground that didn’t include a petite blonde who smelled of marshmallows and promises. 

It’s been good, the panic attacks have subsided and I’m still seeing Jane on an outpatient basis. I still think of Veronica constantly and she’s never far from my dreams. I have no desire for other women despite my long dry spell because I have her in my dreams. It's not always sexual, sometimes it's just us sitting on a couch, snuggling and talking. Course, I’d be lying if I said that every time I’ve come in the past year wasn’t to fantasies of her. Given how long our relationship actually lasted I can safely say I’m definitely in the territory of what I always hoped to still do with and to her. 

And now she’s going to be in town, near enough that I could see her. That fact that she’ll be nearby is blowing all of my hard won sanity out of the water. I’m not comfortable talking to Keith about it for obvious reasons. I know I can’t keep it bottled inside or else I’ll find myself looking for a party, trying to forget that she’s within touching distance. 

I walk into my appointment with Jane dropping into a chair without preamble and just launch into everything running through my head since Keith let it drop that the love of my life was coming back to town.

“Veronica is coming to visit Keith. She doesn’t know anything about what’s been going on. She doesn’t know I’m friends with her friends or that I’m trying to get better. I know I have to stay away from her, that I’m not ready to see her, but I feel like my entire body is on fire knowing that she’s going to be here soon. I want to see her, I don’t have to talk to her, but I want to stare at her from a distance. If I can’t then I want to drink, I want to screw some girl until I can’t see straight, I want to get a baggie of heroin and just forget until she’s gone again.”

“Logan, slow down. You are recognizing your emotions which is a good first step. I agree, you are not ready to see Veronica. You have a long way to go until I think you can come out of that encounter unscathed. But you need to remember that you’re stronger than this. Make a plan for the next few days. Find something healthy to focus on rather than going to your initial coping methods.” Jane says to me, expecting me to break this down. 

I take a deep breath, “I am supposed to go to Mac’s for Thanksgiving. She invited me to join her family and I’m really looking forward to it. That’s one thing I can do. I can work on my remaining school work, go surfing, read, work out. I can convince Dick to just hang out at the condo playing video games so I limit the possibility of seeing her.”

“I can’t drop by Keith’s but I can tell him that I’m scared, I can tell him that I’m struggling. He can always come to me if it starts to get too bad.” Jane is nodding, letting me know that I’m managing this better than I think. 

I can do this. I just have to limit my exposure possibilities and focus on the other things going on in my life. I don’t have to destroy everything. I’m not going to destroy everything. 

When I walk out of Jane’s office, I feel stronger and able to get through the next five days. I decide to grab a cup of coffee before I head back to my house and that’s when I see her. 

She’s sitting at a table by the windows. I can just leave before she notices me. That’s the smart thing, but I’m not very smart. Which is why I’m still standing here, staring at her, drinking her in. My mind is going a thousand miles a minute, cataloguing everything about her. Her hair is longer, but her pixie features remain unchanged. 

I’m not sure what I was expecting after not seeing her for almost two years. I know I didn’t expect the very physical reaction I’m having being this close to her. It’s one thing to have an erection in public when you’re 13 but when you’re almost 21, it's just pathetic. 

She’s looking at her phone so she hasn’t seen me, I still have time to turn around and leave. I don’t need coffee that badly. 

What I need is something of an entirely different nature at this moment. A cold shower is not going to take care of this problem. I’m still frozen, my entire body on high alert, so hard it's painful, when she smiles at something on her phone. 

That smile and I’m gone. I didn’t know it was possible for a smile to undo me. Me who used to joke that my code word was endurance, who used to spend hours holding off the inevitable just to make it that much better for her, to worship her as the goddess she is. My whole face is flushed and I really can’t move now as I come in my pants like a prepubescent teen in a public place, trying to hold still as the waves of pleasure and shame wash through me, stifling back the moan trying to escape. 

I have to go, NOW. I can’t be here; I need to leave before she sees me. She knows me too well; she can’t know that I just came from looking at her. She can’t be witness to my humiliation. Finally my legs start to obey my body and I turn around and rush out the door. Once in my car, I lean my head back on the seat rest and take a few deep breaths. What the fuck was that? 

Veronica

I’m home, finally. So far I’ve managed to keep Logan mostly from my thoughts. I’m not going to search him out while I’m here. I’m going to stick to the plan, keep moving forward finding a life that is just mine, free from the ghosts of the past. I’m waiting for Mac in Java Hut and looking at my phone while I wait. Checking my email I see an email from Chris. It’s just a short note, wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and asking me out again when we’re back at school. It's sweet and makes me smile. Guess I didn’t destroy anything there.

I get a tingle going down my spine that I have long associated with one person. I whip my head up looking wildly around for him, but all I see is a tall dark haired guy walking out of the shop. Something about the set of his shoulders makes me think of Logan though this guy is much more built than Logan was the last time I saw him. I shake it off. If it was Logan he obviously didn’t want to see me any more than I wanted to see him. Still the thought that it was him and he just left without saying anything makes my mood plummet.

Mac walks in then and sits down in front of me.

“Long time Bond. What’s with the puss?” 

“Just stuck in my head, thinking about being back here in Neptune Q. It’s one of those double edged swords. Great to see you, Wallace, and my dad, but lots of less than pleasant memories.” I figure that’s close enough to the truth that we can move on without any awkward evasions. She knows I mean Logan and I know she knows, but she’s not going to say anything about it. 

“I can see that. So what’s your plan while you’re in town? What are you up for?”

“Definitely some daddy daughter time. There’s been something going on with him this past year. I think he might be seeing someone but he’s been extremely cagey. A few times, we’ve been on the phone and he’s gotten another call and just blown me off. Then when he was visiting this summer, he got some calls and immediately hid so I couldn’t hear the conversation. I really hope he’s not still seeing Harmony.”

A weird look passes over Mac’s face and I think ‘she knows’. She knows what’s going on with my dad. I’m about to say something when she shakes her head and the look is gone. It’s clear that I’m not going to get anything out of her. 

“Maybe you should let the old man have his secrets. As long as they don’t harm anyone, what does it matter?” 

“I’m sorry, have we met? Nosy is my middle name. There’s a mystery here and while I’m not in the PI game anymore, there’s no way I can let this slide. I’ll get it out of him one way or another.” I say with confidence. 

“Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lay Bond. You may not like what you find out.” Mac warns.

She knows something. What is she hiding that has to do with my dad? I’m trying to be a better friend so rather than going into full interrogation mode, I change the subject. 

“You’re probably right. So how have you been? I feel like it’s been forever. What’s new in your life?”

Mac visibly relaxes with the subject change and starts to tell me how her classes are going. She broke up with Max at the beginning of the year, ending a year-long relationship with him. She’s just started dating again, but nothing too serious. She tells me how it is living with Parker again and I can’t help the jealousy that rips through me at the mention of her name. 

I don’t think they’re together anymore if that last interaction I had with her was any indication, but one of the things I’ve come to the realization of through my therapy is that she’s not a good friend. My natural inclination was to blame Logan for all of that, for throwing his new perfect girlfriend in my face, but the fact of the matter is that both Parker and I have some blame there.

Me, I shouldn’t have lied when Logan asked me if I had a problem with him asking her out. I was so wrapped up in not showing how I felt and how hurt I was by our breakup and the fact that he was moving on so quickly that I thought it was better to lie. If I had been honest with Logan, he wouldn’t have done it. It might have changed a lot if I hadn’t been a martyr. 

However, despite my blame in all of this, Parker is not blameless. She should have been a better friend and come to me herself. She shouldn’t have used me as a sounding board for her relationship with him. That was cruel even if I could believe that she didn’t know I was still in love with him. I mean isn’t there a girl code or something that makes ex-boyfriend’s off limits? 

Did our relationship not seem that serious to outsiders? Between Parker and Piz, I have often wondered if the intimacy and connection that Logan and I seemed to share was just in my head. I mean why else would they both have gone after us, if we were as connected as I thought. 

Rationally I know that I hid everything and I can’t expect others to be mind readers, but she still just makes me mad. I feel like she stole from me. So when Mac mentions that she’s in town for the holiday and we should all go out, I’m less than enthused. 

“Seriously V, we missed doing the 21 thing together. We should go out, have a girl’s night, go dancing.”

Who is this person and what has she done with my reserved friend? I’m trying to be more open, more honest. My therapist says you don’t get what you want by just wishing for it. For all my ballsy attitude, I still don’t believe I deserve things; I’m always waiting for people to fulfill my worst ideals. It's why I’ve always been so hard on Logan. As the person closest to me, he could hurt me the most so to tell him what I needed was just giving him more ammunition. But I’m trying to change; I need to change if I don’t want my past to dictate my future. 

“Sure, that sounds good. Where were you thinking?”

“Parker and I went to this great new club the other week that was a lot of fun. Why don’t we plan for that on Friday night? Get dressed up and put on our dancing shoes, maybe meet a few cute guys?” 

“You’ve got yourself a plan Q. I’m not sure about hanging with Parker, but I’ll do my best.”

“I didn’t think you were mad at her. I thought it was the other way around since in her head you were the cause of her break up with he who shall not be named.” 

“I didn’t think I was either. I mean, rationally, she didn’t do anything wrong. She was single, he was single. I guess I’m just learning that I have residual anger about the whole thing. I just can’t help feeling betrayed and like she did everything to make me feel worse about it. I’m probably being paranoid and overthinking it. And wait, what do you mean I was the cause of the breakup with Voldemort? I didn’t even know they broke up and I haven’t been here in almost two years.”

I’m crossing into dangerous territory now. I just can’t help myself; I want to know when they broke up, how it happened. Did he tell her that he loved her? Please don’t tell me he told her he loved her. 

“The break up was before you left, right after the Piz incident. She didn’t think it was a good sign that he went that ape shit over an ex. It’s all in the past, she’s not mad at you anymore. Probably helps that you don’t live here and obviously had no intention of playing Bellatrix to his Voldemort.”

“Well thank goodness for little miracles.” I mutter darkly. I have to get over this. Its years in the past. 

Looking at Mac, I simply say, “Friday night at 9, tell me where and I’ll meet you and Parker there. We’ll see if this Stella can’t get her groove back.” 

This can be fun right?


	5. Building Suspense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - I hope you like the new chapter. Sorry, its so short. Don't worry the next one is a bit longer. Just a little insight into my mind on this story, I think Veronica is far more stubborn than Logan when it comes to feelings so she's going to take a bit longer than him to realize things. Plus since they're them, its not going to be easy.

Five Days Later

Logan

I have managed to avoid her, but I still feel ripped apart. I can't talk to Keith about what happened and I can't talk to Mac. It's too weird. I wanted to say something to Mac when I saw her Thanksgiving Day, let her know that I saw Veronica, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I focused on enjoying my first family holiday ever. After dinner, I went home and holed up in my house determined to find something to distract me.

I worked out, I played video games, I wanted to go surfing, but the beach wasn't a safe place, too many memories, too many opportunities to run into her.

I'm not sure what I could really say anyways. I'm not sure how I feel besides confused and ashamed. Nothing I did really kept me from spending nearly every second thinking about her.

She still affects me. Clearly. I was humiliated when it happened, but having to drive home like that and then having to pull everything off and clean up, I was hit with fresh waves of humiliation and arousal. Seriously, I'm fucked up. My body is acting like it's never seen a girl before and that's turning me on? But I know that's not what it is.

She's still everything that I want and its killing me that we can't make it work. I'm beginning to realize that I'm not completely to blame for all of the problems in our relationship, but I still have so much guilt for my part.

I play out scenarios of how it could have gone if I had the guts to talk to her, but either they're depressing (her walking away from me again) or they get me hard enough to break diamonds (me taking her against the wall, her legs wrapped around my waist, her head thrown back in ecstacy).

By the time Sunday rolled around, my dick was sore from all the times I had to jerk off.

Finally, Keith calls and ends my torment and self-imposed imprisonment.

"She just left. How was your Thanksgiving with Mac and her family?" He asks, glossing over the main point and going straight to checking in with me.

Obviously I can't say that I spent the weekend lusting for your daughter and now I'm raw and I'm still unfulfilled. So I settled for "It was good. Mac's mom is a great cook. Thank god the whole family aren't vegans."

Keith laughs and agrees meat is better. We make plans to get together the following day.

So I guess that's it, I survived my first Veronica visit. I can go back to living my life and pretending like she doesn't exist. I guess it's telling that I still don't even consider finding someone else.

Veronica

The whole weekend I tried to pin down my dad on what's going on. He's definitely hiding something. He finally just told me that it wasn't anything bad and it's not his secret to tell, bastard invoked client-PI privacy. If it was a case there's no way he'd do that to me. But I decide not to push it. I just wanted to get through the weekend, hang with my friends and get out of dodge before my luck runs out and I have to see or hear about Logan.

That was easier said than done considering my girl's night out with Mac and Parker. While Mac obviously tried to brief Parker that I didn't want to hear the L word, she still tried to bring him up as a way of "sisterly" bonding.

"I mean I was just so angry at both of you for so long, but then I realized that you were innocent in all of it. You didn't try to steal my man or make him love you. You were as much a victim of the circumstances as I was." Parker rambled to me several drinks in.

"We can't let men come between us because then they win." Oh god, she was never going to shut up. I just nodded, figuring it was safer than saying anything. But she won't shut up about him, as she starts to stray into the realm of what a great kisser he is, I'm flashing back to her asking me for relationship advice about his travel plans. I've been drinking and even Mac can't blame me for what happens when she insisted I spend time with this bitch.

"Parker, I know you might not have been able to tell, but I don't have any interest in discussing an ex with you." I calmly say.

"I get that, I mean who wants to be hung up on an ex. I just want you to know that we're cool and I'm not mad at you anymore." Parker says, reaching out to hug me.

I take a step back and I just lose it. She's not mad at me, who the fuck does she think she is?

"I'm so glad you're not mad at me Parker, really I am. You totally just solved all of my problems. I mean what would I be if you were still mad at me," my voice icy "about you sleeping with the love of my life and then throwing it in my face every time I turned around." Mac returned from the dancefloor to hear the tailend of my tirade and I finally excused myself and went to the bathroom.

When I came out avoiding Parker and Mac for the time being while I cooled off. I couldn't believe the nerve of that girl. I hit the dance floor, hoping that the talking portion of the evening was over.

I noticed a guy standing in the shadows staring, but I didn't think much of it. He wasn't bothering me and it was no one I seemed to know, although I really couldn't make out his face all that well, so who knows. Still after a while the staring was getting to me. But when I went to confront him, there was no one there. Maybe it was just my imagination.

Thankfully, Mac decided it was time to call it a night and we all piled into a cab to take us to our respective homes. I spent the rest of the weekend just hanging out with Wallace and my dad, watching bad movies before it was time for me to head out.

As I passed the leaving Neptune sign, I heaved a sigh of relief. That could have been so much worse. I managed to make it in and out without having to hear anything really about Logan. I was even more resolved to put my past behind me and find a path forward. Besides, I had a date to look forward to.


	6. Facing Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - This story is AU but it explores a lot of the canon through Season 3. Logan and Veronica are working through a lot right now and its going to get worse in some ways long before it gets better.

3 Months Later

Veronica

The new year has come and gone and I'm nearing the end of my junior year at Stanford. After I got back from Neptune, I threw myself into my studies. I thought about going home for Christmas, but something in me just couldn't face going back. My dad was sad, but he didn't try too hard to convince me to change my mind. I just felt like I needed some space. Being home had brought up a lot of memories and emotions that I had tried so hard to ignore.

Even though I didn't see Logan, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him or dreaming about him. It's been almost two years since I told him that he was out of my life forever. Two years since that day on the beach when I just lost control. I felt so raw in that moment, torn apart by everything that had happened. Some days when the memories consume me, I think I hate him, but then I miss him. The way he made me smile, how I felt in his arms, safe and protected, how I knew he would come running if I ever needed him.

I spent so much time making myself be okay being on my own, depending only on myself after my so called friends turned on me. I sacrificed so much to solve Lilly's murder, to be my own person. I was driven by rage and vengeance, consumed with not letting anyone close to me again. I still struggle with that, despite my efforts to be more open with those I love. It explains why I'm still going to therapy long after I thought I'd quit.

I'm not an open person, I value my privacy. One of my biggest fears after my rape, was that people knew, they knew and any day, Logan or one of his toadies would use it against me. I lived in fear of seeing pictures, of learning the truth. It's why it took me so long to take on my own case. I didn't know if knowing would make anything better. It's the same with therapy. I don't know if knowing is better. I just know that I can't keep living a vicious cycle, afraid of connecting with others.

"So I want to talk about Logan today. You didn't see him when you went home, but somehow he's still affecting you. You talk about wanting to have him in your life someday and that he's your oldest friend, but you seem so angry at him." Craig, my bulldog of a therapist, says to me when I come in for my appointment. I always thought that in therapy, you chose what you wanted to talk about or not talk about, but Craig has disabused me of those notions quickly. After I gave him the highlight of my traumatic events and what I hoped for from therapy, he's always been the one to guide our discussions, calling me out when I am evasive or try to tear into him.

At least he doesn't say stupid things like "how does that make you feel?". It really could be worse, but after each appointment I feel like I have a moment of clarity. I see things from a different perspective and it helps. But right now, I'm just pissed. I do not want to talk about Logan. I want to figure out how to get my brain from thinking about him. I say as much to Craig who just gives me an unimpressed look.

"Veronica, if you don't come clean and face the issue head on, then nothing is going to change. Clearly there's an unresolved issue there. Every time I bring up his name, you get defensive. I'm not sure if you're trying to protect yourself or him. I don't personally know him, so I can't imagine why you're afraid something you say will make me change my opinion of him."

"It's not that. He's just so wrapped up in everything that I don't know how to separate it. After Lilly died, I was so sad, I needed my friends and my family. I needed him and instead he asked me to choose between him and my father. How could I do that, how could he have asked me to do that? I've never understood how he thought it was a choice for me. He didn't care though, he just opened the floodgates of hell on me. If he had told everyone to just stop talking to me that would have been enough. I would have been hurt, but I would have survived. Instead he spread lies about me, telling everyone that I was a slut, trailer trash. He took everything I had ever confided in him and used it against me. It was like he had died too."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because the Logan I knew, the carefree, impetus boy who was still sensitive and caring was just gone. Instead there was this vicious and vindictive jackass who went out of his way to make me miserable. That first year, he didn't seem happy unless I was crying."

I'm quiet for a minute, thinking about what to say. I thought I had forgiven him for all of this, but that day at the beach and now have shown me again that I never dealt with it, I just stuck it in a box in my mind, duct taped it shut and hid it behind a crumbling wall.

"When I woke up the morning after the party, I thought about what I did remember. I remembered walking in, taking a drink from someone though I couldn't remember who. And I remember him. I remembered seeing him there staring at me with such hatred I felt cold. Even when he had his hands all over some girl, he still stared at me. He declared it open season on me and then left to fuck some random slut."

I shudder at the memory. I never have told anyone that part. I don't really remember the salt lick, just flashes really, but I remember the look in his eyes when he looked at me. That look told me that he didn't care if I was hurt, that there would never be any line he wouldn't cross to make me pay for his perceived transgressions.

"Yet you let him back in. You helped him and you dated him."

"Yeah, and I accused him of killing Lilly and even of having raped me."

"Then why did he come to you when he was hurt? Why did you take him back in?" Craig probes.

"I don't know. I've never understood it, but something changed that day at the Camelot." I say quietly looking at my hands.

"The day he saved you from the ATF agent?"

"Yeah."

"How did it change?" He asks.

I look up at the ceiling, trying to gather my thoughts. I don't know how to explain this and I know the only person who would ever understand is Logan.

"When I came out of the room, he was standing there and I just wanted to thank him. When we were friends before it would have been nothing for me to kiss him on the cheek to thank him. I guess I just defaulted to the way things were for a second. But when he pulled me back to him and really kissed me, it felt like something snapped into place. Like the sound two magnets make when you've been keeping them apart and then they get around the obstacles and they slam together like they're meant to. There was fire and passion and everything was a whirling inferno, but in that moment, he felt like safety and home."

I breathe out. Its been like that ever since. Even when we're apart, I feel a pull to him. The pull is strong and its resulted in several tries at a relationship, but it has never solved any of our problems.

"So do you still blame him for what happened to you?"

I think for a second before answering, "No and yes. He had a hand in it through his stupidity and teenage hijinx but he himself would never have allowed it, would have done anything to stop it if he'd known."

"Can you see how you've allowed this to play out in your relationship with him?" I scoff, but he cuts me off before I can say anything. "Let me give you an outside view. I think you have a lot of issues with sex. Some of that stems from your rape, but I think some of it also stems from the fact that you rely on Logan to protect you even when you don't want him to or even think you need protecting. You say he made it open season on you but left to sleep with another girl. I think somehow you've translated that to mean that he didn't care enough about you to ensure that even if it was open season you weren't hurt beyond taunts and slashed tires."

"No, I couldn't care less that he left. It's what Logan does. He sleeps with girls. Sex means nothing to him, its just a physical release." I tell Craig, shaking my head, denying any truth in what he's said.

"That may be, but your reaction to his relationships with other women speaks more to your own insecurities. You've told me repeatedly that he has never cheated on you, but you bugged his phone and tracked him. When you saw him with Kendall, you yelled at him. I think you have twisted your own thoughts of sex with his. You mean nothing to him because its just sex."

"Well how can it be anything more? We break up and he moves on in five seconds flat. If I was the big love of his life, how can he do that? If I mean more than just more sex than how is he not as broken as I am afterwards?"

"I won't presume to understand his thoughts on the subject, never having met him, but with everything you've told me, I would hazard a guess that he uses sex as a coping mechanism much like you use your indifferent attitude. Because your first sexual experience was traumatic, you can only bring yourself to having a sex life by seeing it as something more, an expression of deep and abiding love. I would bet for him, it was the first positive reinforcement he ever received and when he's upset or sad, its a go to for making him feel like he's worth something."

I've never considered that. He was very young when he lost his virginity to some starlet on one of the sets of his father's movie. His parents never cared about him except as a prop for their careers. I guess I could see how he could see it differently.

"That still doesn't explain why he can move on so quickly. Each time we've ended, I'm left gutted."

"Yet, I think you've moved on as well. With Duncan and then with Piz. So why would he think that he meant more to you?"

"I only moved on with Piz after he moved on to Parker. If he had waited, I might have gotten over Madison, I might have come back to him when I cooled off, but I never even got the chance. I was still reeling from it all, the fact that he slept with her, that he had lied to me. I needed time to calm down. And he just found someone else and he was happy with her. He even said as much at her birthday party."

"But you told him that you were never getting over the Madison thing. Why would he think it would be worth it to wait?"

I can't think of an answer. Shouldn't he have just known? I think back to my conversation with Parker. How did she not know that I was hurt? Was everything with Logan just in my head?

"You still want him in your life, right? You told me that you even couldn't kiss Chris because your first thought was that it would be somehow cheating on Logan. But have you ever told him any of this? People don't generally know more than what we're willing to tell them. If you do ever decide that you want him in your life, you're going to have to try the whole talking to him thing. Being honest and telling him how you truly feel. If you hope that he just gets it through some cosmic connection you share, then you're going to be disappointed yet again."

I nod my head. Communication is key, got it.

Logan

"I'm lonely." I tell Jane in our weekly session. Its something I've been thinking about since I saw Veronica. I miss having someone in my life and not just for sex, but really being with someone, sharing my day, listening to her, that intimacy that I thought we had. "I know I have to focus on me, and fixing my issues before I bring someone else in, but would it be wrong if I started dating again, took things slow, of course?"

I feel like a kid asking his parent's permission to have dessert.

"Logan, you don't need my permission. If you feel like you're ready then you're ready. Only you can know that. Did you meet someone, is that what's brought this on?" Jane asks.

"No, nothing like that. I just, I don't know. The holidays, the happy families. I spent Christmas with Keith. We went over to Mac's house and the Fennels and Dick joined us. I just feel like something's missing and I don't know, maybe I'm not ready." I sigh.

Dick had wanted to go to Aspen again for Christmas, but there's no way I can go back there ever again. That place has brought me nothing but heartache. To be around those people, remembering what I've lost, it would be too much. When Keith told me he was alone for Christmas too, I asked Mac if it was cool if he joined us for Christmas. Thankfully her mom is of the more the merrier mindset.

"I would just take things slowly. If you meet someone who piques your interest, then take it one step at a time."

"One step at a time, right. In other words, don't sleep with them right away." I say.

"That's one way of putting it. Another is getting to know someone before you take the next physical step. You've always jumped right into that and its left your foundations shaky."

"I didn't, not with Veronica. I didn't sleep with her for months." I argue. "And Parker, I dated her for two months and didn't sleep with her at all."

"Yes, but Veronica was special to you and the only person you've wanted to truly love you for you and not just what you can do in the bedroom. As for Parker, I think you know that you were just using that girl." Jane admonishes me.

This is what I like about Jane. She's kind when I need it but she also calls me on my shit. I did use Parker. I don't know if I was thinking that at the time, but I wanted Veronica to say something, to tell me not to ask her out, show that she still cared somehow. I thought it was so obvious that I was still in love with her. Instead all I got was yelled at and her throwing me out of her life and not even for the sin of Parker.

As I leave Jane's office, I'm still thinking about our conversation. I'm not going to force anything but if someone catches my eye and my brain, I'll take things slow. I'm also still thinking about that day Veronica threw me out of her life. I don't think she was wrong to do it now, but it still hurts. How else did she think I would react to seeing that video with my past, with Lilly and my dad? I can admit, at least to myself, to that that wasn't all of it. The sight of her in bed with someone else just broke something in me.

Piz. I still hate that guy. I may be friends with Wallace, but we have an unspoken rule that I don't have to see or hear about him. All I know and all I care about is that Veronica dumped his pathetic Duncan 2.0 ass before she left for her internship.

As if thinking of him conjured him, I see him standing a few feet away looking in a jewelry store window. I have to pass by him to get to my car and I'm seriously thinking about turning around. I'm not in a good headspace to have to acknowledge him even. If I didn't have a class in 20 minutes, I'd definitely turn around and wait for him to go. Instead, I walk towards my car hoping that he doesn't notice me.

I'm almost past, when he turns around suddenly and literally runs right into me.

"Sorry about…" His voice trails off when he sees who he's hit. "Logan, didn't see you there."

"Piss. I'd say it was a pleasure, but I'm trying this whole new honesty thing." I tell him with a smirk.

He swallows and looks scared. It just makes me want to punch him in the face. How could he think it was okay to go after her? Wasn't it obvious that I was madly in love with her? How dare he touch her?

"Yeah, well, I've got to get going." Piz says backing away from the look on my face.

I watch him walk away. I really hate that guy. Why did she have to choose him? Did she do it because he was so like Duncan? And why did she always seem to want the opposite of me?

Great, now I'm back to my self-loathing, wondering yet again, why I wasn't it for her like she was for me. I've never understood why she didn't seem to understand that. I told her as much so many times. I told her that I loved her and she could never even say it back.

Just as I'm starting to spiral, I think about something Keith and I talked about recently. How you can say anything, but if you really want to effect change then you have to be willing to take action. A long way of saying actions speak louder than words. I told her how I felt, but did my actions really support that?

If I ever get a chance again, I'm going to show her as well as tell her. Until then, I just have to keep working on being the kind of person she could be proud of.


	7. Now you see me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Hopefully, you like the latest installment which is my longest chapter to date.

Three years later

Veronica – Stanford Law School

I'm in my second year of law school the next time I consider going home for the holidays. I can't believe everyone has been so accommodating of my avoidance of Neptune, but I'm happy that they have. But my dad has a new girlfriend and Wallace is planning on spending the holidays with his girlfriend's family. Mac can't take time off from her new job. So since all of them are staying local if I don't want to spend the holiday on my own, I must make the trek.

I'm in a much better place than I was before so I'm not even worrying about seeing Logan possibly. While he still has a place in my heart, I've long since moved on. There's been quite a few people between him and now. No one that I can honestly say I was in love with, but there were some good relationships among the bad. I'm still not the slut he labeled me back in high school, but I definitely have some world experience to draw from.

Not that I'm going to be drawing from it during this trip home. Logan is in the rear view mirror. I still miss him but I have learned to live on my own. I no longer ache for him like I once did. I feel confident and strong, I have a direction and my studies are going really well. I've been interning at the DA's office this semester, getting a taste of what I'll be doing after graduation. I'm really excited by it.

I've also learned to let go of my past. I have come to terms with a lot of things and that more than anything has prepared me for the inevitability of seeing Logan again. Working through my rape was one of the hardest things I did, but it was so worth it. I've learned that I don't have to let it define me. I've also truly learned to forgive Logan for his part. Logan in some ways was innocent and couldn't fathom the depths of depravity his friends could sink to. I can see now that he was a victim just like I was.

I realize now that I was blaming Logan so I didn't have to acknowledge the truth which is that I was raped twice that night. I wanted to blame Logan, he brought the drugs, he dosed Duncan, he used me as a salt lick, and he left to have sex with some random girl when I needed him.

All of that is true but what Duncan did can't be considered consensual. I did everything, including dating him, to rewrite that bit of history. Why was it so easy to forgive Duncan, erase his wrong doing?

I am ashamed to think of how it must have been for Logan when I went back to Duncan senior year. What must he have thought of me to go back to my rapist? Logan always looked up to Duncan and the two of them were fairly competitive. How must it have made Logan feel to know that I would rather be with my rapist than with him? I must have fed into every bit of self-loathing that he had.

I was so scared of and for him at the time and how he just let his issues have free reign. The fact that he survived is nothing short of a miracle.

I was so focused on being normal and getting back the life I had and rewriting history so I wasn't damaged that I didn't even think about how he felt. I knew he was jealous, but I just thought it was because Duncan slept with me when he and I never did. I thought it was just about not getting that extra notch in his bed post, not that my actions said he wasn't worthy.

I did that a lot to him, if I'm honest. He was so smart, but he refused to show ambition or to focus on a future. I didn't realize it was because he had hardened himself to the idea that he wouldn't have a future. Growing up as he did, I know now that he must have thought he would never survive that house with his father. He was never given any indication that he could do anything he put his mind to. I just wanted him to live up to his potential, but instead of telling him that I just made him feel bad every time he didn't. I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I was so focused, it didn't occur to me that some people just don't have their entire lives figured out at 19.

I held him to an impossible standard. I wanted him to live up to my expectations and I punished him when he didn't. I had so many disappointments from people I loved and I desperately needed him to not be one of those people and he let me down again and again.

I should have been more tolerant and accepting of his human foibles. The problem is that the last friend I was tolerant and accepting of, refusing to see the truth, destroyed my life. It all comes back to Lilly.

So much of what I've done has been in an attempt to not face the truth about Lilly. She was a victim, she had to be a victim because otherwise I thought it meant I wasn't a victim. I thought that if her decisions led to her death than my taking that cup without knowing what it was, led to my rape. It took me a long time to see that there was no comparison between her actions and mine.

I built up Lilly in my head, my perfect best friend, this vivacious and loving friend. I didn't want to sully my memories of Lilly which meant I had to make Logan the bad guy. It was okay to distrust him because he would take it because he thought it was no more than he deserved. And if he was the villain I didn't have to face the truth about the Kanes.

When I started really looking at it without nostalgia and grief I realized that neither of the Kanes were good people. Moreover they kept Logan and I from one another, strung us along so our worlds revolved around them. Lilly was a slut and she made bad choices. She treated Logan terribly and helped destroy what little self-esteem he had. I mean what else would you say about someone who slept with their boyfriend's father?

You could claim Aaron took advantage of her but I don't think that's really what happened. I think she was callous and a bitch and she wanted to sleep with him because of his name and status. I think she seduced him, though it wasn't a challenge, I'm sure. I don't think that she even thought about Logan or what it would do to him if he ever found out. Weirdly, he and I have never talked about it. After the truth came out, we should have talked, but like we always did when the topic was hard, we avoided it. I don't think I wanted to hear his opinion because it might have forced me to face the truth then. Now, its a conversation that we still need to have. I've put it on a list. If I can ever get up the courage, someday I will talk to him about everything on this list and maybe we can finally find a way to be in the others life.

As for Lilly, I still love her but I no longer see her in a perfect light. I can be honest with myself about the kind of person she was.

Same with Duncan. He represented a time of innocence for me. A time when I had a best friend who loved me and who was such fun. To see him as the weak, coward that he was destroyed all of my memories of that time.

Yet when I had torn it all apart I realized that Logan was the one person who didn't come out worse for the telling. Yes, we had a rough year but he never truly abandoned me. Even when he claimed to hate me, he couldn't ignore me and when I needed him, he came, always without fail. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Logan has never been indifferent to me unlike Duncan.

I realize now that my choice in friends before Lilly's death was superficial and now I understand what a true friend is.

So what does all this mean for Logan and I? I honestly don't know. If I do see him, I hope I can find the courage to tell him how sorry I am for how I treated him. He didn't deserve it when all he ever did was try to love me. I was just too fucked up to believe in that love. I had all these preconceived notions about love and relationships and I was trying so hard to pretend like everything was fine. I still felt so dirty from what happened at Shelley Pomeroy's party that I couldn't let myself trust him. But I did love him, so much, he made me feel loved and protected, no one has ever gotten me the way he did. I was so scared by my feelings that I pushed until I found something that would validate my fears.

I probably took to long to overcome my fears though. Our lives have grown apart and I don't know that there is anything left besides old feelings. I just know I don't fear seeing or hearing anything about him now. I'm confident I can see him and still go back to the life I've built without it destroying me.

Logan

The past 3 years have been good for me. I finished school, graduating towards the top of my class. Now I'm in grad school at University of San Francisco getting a masters in Nonprofit management. I took a year off after I graduated from Hearst and worked for a year with Habitat for Humanity in Honduras. It was such a rewarding experience, but I realized that while I don't mind living in less than luxury standards I'm more interested in running the organizations. I have a dream of opening one someday to help children and women. I'm loving my program.

I finally feel like I'm doing something with my life. The only thing I don't love is being so far away from my closest friends. Mac took a job after graduation with a small start up that's doing really well. We still have our websites and we've expanded them over the years, adding a nice profit for us both. Wallace is teaching now at our alma mater. He switched his major our sophomore year after his experience in Africa. Dick is doing really well for himself, running a surf shop and dabbling in real estate. Keith has been dating Jennifer for a while now and she's really good for him.

Me, I've tried the dating thing. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion though that I have the absolute worst taste in women. My dating hasn't been extensive, but it's let me explore the possibility. The first girl was of course a blonde named Callie. I met her in one of my business classes. She seemed really nice. We went out on a couple of dates, but it never went past a few kisses. I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd be cheating on Veronica.

I stayed off the dating scene for a while after that trying to figure out how I was supposed to move on when I still thought of her.

The next girl was a barista at Starbucks, I never could go back to Java Hut, named Miranda. After two months of dating, I thought I was ready to finally be intimate with her. I wasn't in love, but I could see myself caring for her. She made me laugh and it was just easy. I was planning a special night when I saw her with Dick's frat brother, Chip Diller, making out. I didn't even bother confronting her. The next time she texted, I didn't answer. I guess she must have gotten the message.

I didn't date after that since I was focused on grad school, first applying and now doing well in my first semester. To be honest it kind of sent me in a tailspin and I needed to work through some stuff. Her cheating on me just brought up a lot of shit. When it happens as often as it has to me, you really have to question if it's something about you? What is it about me that makes me unlovable?

Keith was a huge help. He was just there for me and didn't let me slip too far into self-pity. He reminded me that I have people in my life who do love me, so I'm not the problem. Or at least the sole problem. I'm still working on the self-loathing thing. Some days are easier than others.

At the end of the day, I've been celibate for nearly 4 years. I haven't lost faith that I'll find someone who I can have a real connection with. I've just been so focused on everything else that I haven't had time to really worry about it. I can finally say with truth that I am no longer the man whore of Neptune High, using sex to replace anything else in my life. I want a connection with the person I next sleep with and if that means staying celibate even longer, well I've learned to handle things on my own pretty well.

I'm finally at a place where I am proud of myself. I can even consider seeing Veronica who I know will be in town at the same time. I'm not the same screw up I once was. I can stand on my own. I do still dream about her and think about her but over time I think my feelings have lessened or maybe I wasn't as in love with her as I thought. I was probably making it more than it was because I was so desperate for love and caring. Now that I've lived with care for several years I can see how my actions would have fed into her fears. It's oddly freeing knowing that I'm not in love anymore.

My flight arrives late delayed by fog in San Francisco but Dick is still there waiting for me at baggage claim. He's not the sharpest of guys but he has stuck by me through everything and I can't thank him enough. There's just something about him that makes me happy. He's been through so much, but he's still just a carefree kind of guy.

"Dude, look at you all studious and shit " he says, taking in my glasses. I don't need to wear them all the time, but I need them for reading and forgot to take them off when I put away my books at the end of the flight.

"Side effect of being studious Dick. It's great to see you. " I give him a guy hug, lots of thumping on the back.

"So what's the plan for while you're in town? You up for going out, doing some surfing?"

"I'm down for it all. Still can't drink" I remind him . "Otherwise I feel like I am due some fun ."

We head out to the car and he takes me to my condo. Dropping me off he says he'll pick me up around 10 for a night out.

I let myself in, drop my bag by the door and pull out my phone . "Hi, it's me. I'm home ." I tell Keith. "Can you come over for dinner? Catch up?"

"I wish I could but she just got home and I promised we'd have dinner tonight. How about coffee tomorrow morning?"

"No worries . I'm going to go out tonight with Dick but I've had early morning classes all semester so I'm still stuck on that schedule. Is eight good for you? If memory serves she won't be awake for hours so you can slip out and be back before she knows it.

"Sounds like a plan. And no that has definitely not changed. " He chuckles.

We're easier about mentions of Veronica these days. He knows I have other focuses and am trying to move on.

I hang up and decide to unpack before making myself something to eat then taking a quick shower. Dick is surprisingly punctual and we're out the door at 1005 heading to a new club downtown.

The 09er is pretty low key but has good music. Dick immediately steers us to a VIP section populated by people we went to high school with. I don't know how to feel about reliving those days but it's actually fun catching up with people. By now I'm used to the looks of shock that accompanies the news that I'm in grad school and not just living off my trust fund like so many others.

After a while I find myself mostly talking to Carrie Bishop. She has a sense of humor that matches mine and I really missed bantering like that.

"So you made good. Who would have thought?"

"Definitely not most of the people here I'm sure. So how are you doing? "

"Right now I'm building my singing career. Course I don't go by Carrie so I can keep my anonymity. Otherwise you're looking at it. Hanging out in clubs hoping the boy I had a crush on in high school might finally give me the time of day. "

"And who might that be?" I ask. Do I want to go there? She's not my normal type but she is funny and pretty. I figure it couldn't hurt. Just before she answers though I feel the hairs on my neck stand up. She's here. After all this time, my body still senses her.

Carrie is looking behind me and says "I guess I'm going to have to keep hoping."

"What do you mean?" I play dumb. I haven't turned around and I'm fairly certain that my face showed nothing but she seems to know anyways how I'm fighting to stay focused on her.

"I would have to have been blind to not see how you and Veronica Mars were in high school. Even when you hated each other you were like magnets. You couldn't stay away from each other. I spent a lot of time watching you, hoping you'd notice me and I doubt you were even aware how you both gravitated towards one another. It was spooky the way you couldn't see each other but both of you were still hyper aware that the other was around."

Is that true? I try to think back and I guess I could see it. I always seemed to know where she was like a compass always pointing due north. I still try to play it off not wanting to consider what that means since I am most definitely not in love with Veronica Mars anymore.

"Not sure I know what you mean. I haven't seen Veronica Mars in years. "

"That may be true but that's about to change since she just walked in and her magnet is definitely pulling her this way. I guess I can't be too disappointed. If I have to lose out at least it's because you're soulmates rather than just some run of the mill attraction. " Carrie says with a sad smile before excusing herself.

Soulmates? I don't know that I believe in crap like that. But it would explain how I know exactly where she is and I don't even have to look up from my contemplation to know she's sitting across from me now.

"Mars."

"Really Logan? This again?"

"Ummm, how's tricks? Is that better?"

"Tricks are good. I see you've been letting milk do a body good there. " My breath catches but I recover quickly, reminding myself of who I am now and that I'm not in love with her anymore. I still haven't looked at her just staring at her boots. Course that isn't much better since I've always had a thing for her butch boots. Such a juxtaposition of femininity and tough badass just like the woman wearing them. Not to mention the way they felt digging into my thighs as I fucked her hard.

Ok need to shut down that line of thought quickly. Don't need a repeat of the last time I saw her. I should probably look up. Maybe she hasn't aged well, maybe her metabolism has given out on her. Though if the legs I'm looking at is any indication then that's just wishful thinking on my part.

I take a deep breath and look up at her. Yep wishful thinking. She's even more beautiful than she was at 19. Curvier in all the right places and working it in a short black dress that leaves her shoulders bare. I avoid eye contact for now, letting my eyes run over her body.

"You seem to have been hitting the milk pretty hard yourself. " I say. What does it hurt to acknowledge that I still find her attractive? She did it first. Finally I look into her eyes.

I feel like I'm falling into those eyes. I'm not sure if I'm going to lose my dinner, my stomach is so twisted. And I imagine I can hear it, the magnets slamming together. Oh shit, I'm still in love with her. I am so fucked.

Veronica

When Mac and Wallace suggested getting a drink at the 09er I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough to get out of it. It sounded too much like high school for me but here I am. As soon as I walked in I felt the tingle down my spine. I have come to associate that feeling with one person, Logan Echolls.

Even before I saw him I knew he was there. This really is like high school. Back then I was always aware of him even when I hated him. I should probably just go before he sees me but then I see him sitting flirting with Carrie Bishop and I find myself walking towards him. Carrie gets up and leaves him on his own. In for a penny in for a pound, I expect to have to get his attention since he's looking down but then he speaks still focused on the floor.

He looks so good. I can tell he's been working out a lot. His face has lost that babyish roundness and his biceps are yummy. I can't see his abs from the way he's sitting but I can imagine them. Wow. Did it get hot in here or what?

For the longest time he continues to look at the floor like it's the most interesting thing he's ever seen. It allows me to take everything in. Then he looks up and I swear the temperature raises another 10 degrees. Those soulful brown eyes suck me in and the world falls away. There's nothing except him and me. I should probably say something, tell him it was nice to see him and go to the bar for a drink.

I'm just stuck staring at him. Finally Mac finds me and her interruption breaks the spell I'm under. Especially when her words aren't for me but the Greek God in front of me.

"Looky who it is. I thought you weren't coming in for a few more days. Why didn't you tell me you were going to be home early? You're coming to Christmas dinner, right? You know my mom is going to be mad if you don't join us for Christmas dinner ." Mac teases Logan.

I feel like I need to catch up. Why in the hell is Mac making it out like her and Logan are friends? Friends who apparently know a lot about one another and spend holidays together. Wait didn't Mac say she was dating someone new that I would have to see to believe?

Oh God I think I'm going to be sick. First Parker and now Mac? No, Mac can't be dating my Logan, she knows how I feel about him. Or maybe she doesn't, I think, I haven't spoken to him or about him to anyone other than my therapist and that brief awkward conversation with Parker 3 years ago. Get a grip Veronica, focus on the evidence. Nothing in Mac's stance says love interest. It sounds like seeing an old friend.

I'm barely wrapping my head around that concept when Wallace joins us and greets Logan in that same friendly tone. I have entered the twilight zone. Since when are they friends with Logan? I keep a calm look on my face like none of this is a surprise. I avoid looking directly at Logan because I know he won't be fooled.

Just when I think I'm okay to join back in the conversation figuring I'll grill them later, Dick Casablancas joins us and gives Mac a more than friends kiss. I look at Logan expecting him to share my incredulity but he's got his trademark smirk in place.

I am dreaming. I'm back in my apartment dreaming. That's the only explanation for this insanity. I can hear my breathing getting harsh and shallow. I quickly mumbled an excuse about needing a drink despite the fact that Wallace brought me one when he joined us. I just need some air. This is too much for me to process.

I practically run outside and around the corner from the main entrance. I put my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I'm not mad at my friends, I'm not. What I'm thinking is something else entirely and it's turning me inside out. All this time, they've been with him. They've gotten to talk to him, to hear about him,to know the man he is now. My oldest friend and he's a stranger to me, I'm a stranger to him and this life he's built with my friends. I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not mad, I'm jealous because seeing him again, it all just hits me how very much I've missed him.

I pushed him away, I told him he was out of my life. I never called, texted, emailed, sent up the bat signal, nothing. No one is to blame for me not knowing him now except me. I told myself it was for the best, that we were toxic for each other. But its always been there, how I've missed hearing his voice, seeing his face, smelling his unique Logan scent that smells like the ocean and clean.

I was prepared to see him, but I didn't expect all these emotions to flood my system.

Like always when I'm feeling overwhelmed, my first instinct is to run. But what was all the work I did to overcome my past if I'm just going to run? He's a stranger and I don't want him to be. There's really only one way to fix that. I just don't know if I can do that tonight. I need to process first and then I can call him when I'm not so raw.

I hear footsteps. I know it's him, but I can't look up. My breath is coming in spurts now and my lungs feel like they're on fire.

Logan

Just when I thought I was going to do something stupid like grab her and kiss her, Mac saved me.

"I just got in today. I wasn't 100% if I was going to finish on time so I didn't say anything. I only told Dick yesterday. I thought he would have told you. And of course. I'm coming to dinner, wouldn't miss it for the world. I'm looking forward to your mom's turkey and schooling Ryan in Halo yet again. " I answer Mac all the while keeping an eye on Veronica. Her face hasn't changed but she's definitely shocked.

What did she think, that because she was avoiding me. Everyone else was? I'm not surprised she isn't as up to speed as me. When she says you're out. You're out. It gives me a smug feeling to be able to show off that I have friends who were hers first. I can't help the smirk when she realizes Dick and Mac are dating. I can't say I wasn't shocked too when he told me but I have had a few weeks to get used to the idea.

She gets up, saying something about a drink but she already has one. I notice how pale she looks and how her breathing is much too rapid. I have experienced this so many times that I can't mistake the beginning of a panic attack when I see one.

I make an excuse and follow her outside. She's standing around the corner with her hands on her knees trying to catch her breath.

"Veronica." I start to say.

"Not now Logan. " She carefully gasps in between tortured breaths. If she doesn't get it under control soon she's going to hyperventilate and pass out. I need to help her but I only know how Jane always helped me which means I'm going to have to get closer than I am. I'm hesitant since I still have a semi from when I first realized she was there and the humiliating memories of my reaction the last time I saw her still haunts me. Still even if I embarrass myself again it's better than her passing out right?

I take a few steps closer to her and put my hand on her face forcing her up by her chin to focus on me. It feels like I'm being electrocuted and my head is swimming in her scent but I push through.

"You need to breathe Veronica. Deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Match your breathing to mine. In and out. That's it." She's staring at me but her breath is coming easier now. When I think she's calmer I take my hand away from her face, smoothing my thumb slightly down her cheek before I lose all contact.

We stand there staring at each other. I should say something or maybe go back inside. Just as I open my mouth to say something about returning to everyone else. She leans up and kisses me. Time stops, birds sing. Shit, I don't know. It's amazing and scary as fuck at the same time. I'm kissing her back and it feels like home. I pull back when air becomes an issue only to find that during our kiss I've pushed her back against the wall and one of her legs is hooked around my hip. I'm so hard against her I could cut steel. All I can think is more. I want more. I want to rip down the top of that dress and hike it up at the same time. I want to bury my head between her thighs and hear those growling sounds that she used to make when she came.

It's all happening so fast. She's back in my life for five minutes and I'm beyond lost in her. I'm vaguely aware we're in public, outside and not alone but I honestly didn't think it would stop me.

"Please." I hear myself whimper pushing my hips more firmly against hers, letting her feel my desire. I don't know what I'm asking for. Please let me in you? Please be the smart one and push me away? I think I'm good either way. I'm drowning in her, everything is whittled down to just her. She's just staring at me, those beautiful blue eyes wide, pupils dilated with desire, her leg still wrapped around my hip. I start to lean in to capture her lips with mine again.

I hear a cough and my awareness returns like a tidal wave. I pull back like I've been burned. This is why I've avoided her all these years. 10 minutes in and I've almost forgotten everything, moved at lighting speed. Fuck, if we hadn't been interrupted I really think the first sex I've had in years would be up against the wall outside the 09er.

"I have to go. " I stutter moving backwards from her like she's a dangerous animal. Which is true for me. She's a bobcat and she will eat me alive if I don't get away now. My instincts have always been fight or fuck and this time I'm choosing a third option, flight.

I make a break for it and head inside. A few whispered words to Dick and he throws me his keys telling me he'll get a ride from Mac. I thank him and tell Mac and Wallace goodbye before all but running out of there.

My mind is racing the entire way home. I'm still in love with her. I nearly took her up against a wall in public. I guess we know the connection is still there.

Veronica

I just had to kiss him. I didn't expect there to be fireworks or that we'd be 2 seconds away from ripping each other's clothes off. I didn't want to stop him. All the guys I've been with and none of them have reduced me to a puddle with just a kiss, not like Logan can.

When he pulled away I wanted to reach for him but the look of panic on his face stopped me. I could only stand there while he left and went inside. I stood there a few more minutes trying to calm my racing heartbeat. Just as I was about to walk back in, determined to pretend what just happened didn't, I feel eyes on me. It's not the same feeling I get when Logan is near this is something different but familiar. It's a feeling I've been having off and on these past 3 years starting the last time I was at this club.

I've never been able to catch a glimpse of who my admirer is but I'm sure it's a guy doing the staring. Call it women's intuition. This time I'm getting some decidedly malicious vibes from my normally innocent watcher. I guess he didn't like seeing my little show with Logan. I find it strange since I know I've been with other guys when he's watched me. I wonder what about Logan makes it different.

I try to identify who it is without calling attention to my perusal. Still nothing. I'm about to give up and follow Logan inside, not really sure what my next step is. I know we should probably talk about what happened. It's the mature adult thing to do. However before I get two steps away from the wall, I feel a hand come up to cover my mouth. I take a deep breath to protest but I'm hit by a sweet smell and then everything goes dark.


	8. Found but Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Since the reveal chapter is still just an outline at this point, I guess we'll all have to wait and see what my brain comes up with. I didn't expect to get another chapter up this quickly, but a cancelled meeting gave me some free time and here we are. I hope you enjoy.

Mac

It was only a matter of time until Logan and Veronica came together again. Anyone who bothered to get to know either of them could see that there was something special between them. Its more than the angsty looks of longing that they were prone to, although there were more than a few of those that I've witnessed. It was indescribable, like they were two halves of the same whole.

I've always tried to stay out of their relationship, mainly cause I doubt either of them would have appreciated my input. Lord knows they were vicious to anyone who ever did call them out on anything. Can't say there weren't times when I was tempted to tell them both to pull their heads out of their asses and embrace what they had. That kind of connection with another person is a very rare thing. I've never had it with any of the guys I've dated over the years.

There is one time that I do regret not speaking up and that was when Logan started dating Parker. I had mixed feelings about that whole thing and I found my loyalties divided. On the one hand, Veronica is my best friend, she knows me better than anyone and I know I can always count on her. She's the Bond ot my Q and ours is a relationship of mutual respect.

Parker, in the beginning, was just a randomly assigned roommate who was way to perky for my tastes and who seemed to be very free with her affections to members of the opposite sex. Those assumptions kept both Veronica and I from sparing her one of the worst violations a woman can endure. My regret and guilt kept me silent when Parker started talking about how great Logan was, how sweet and funny. She had been so sad and suddenly she was happy. I knew it was a bad idea, but if Veronica wasn't going to stand up for herself and if Logan was willing to even consider another woman, then who was I to interfere.

When Veronica left and Logan fell completely apart, I still had faith that they would come back together. It always seemed like they couldn't be apart for too long. I was surprised they lasted as long as they have. But then they are both stubborn masters of denial. Over the years I've watched both of them grow up but still pretending like there's anyone else for either of them. I know in the beginning Logan needed to stay away because he was still figuring things out. I guess I assumed that when he got his shit together he'd be making a beeline straight for her. When he left for school in San Francisco, I thought, this is it, there's no way he can be so close to her and not try to reach out.

Veronica, on the other hand, I knew was going to need a push. She's so stubborn and while I know she's been trying to be a more evolved person these days, I think she was afraid to put herself out there with him. Girl is the queen of cutting off her nose to spite her face

So I may have orchestrated their meeting tonight. I knew from Dick that Logan was home and he was coming out with him to the 09er. I thought it would be good for them to finally see how much the other has grown. I didn't expect them to be staring at each other like they were the only two people in the world but I guess that's par for the course with those two. When Veronica ran, I was a little sorry for her since it was clear she was having a hard time understanding how we were all friends.

It's not like we were trying to keep things from her but she made it clear a long time ago that he was a taboo subject. We've all bent over backwards trying to respect her wishes. I figured eventually their lives would bring them back together especially since they share so many people in their lives. But after Veronica's last boyfriend and how she actually seemed like she was upset when that relationship ended, I figured if I don't bring them together now, they might miss their chance altogether through sheer stupidity.

I probably should have foreseen that for all their growth, they are still Logan and Veronica and nothing can be easy for them. When Veronica ran out, I was going to follow but Logan beat me to it so I let myself just enjoy the evening and focused on Dick.

Our relationship was fairly new and I wasn't sure where it was going but I liked spending time with him. He had grown up a lot in the past few years and he was always fun to hang out with. When Logan came back in begging for Dick's keys I just offered to take him home so Logan could escape. I wasn't sure what happened between him and Veronica but he seemed spooked and experience told me that he just needed some time to process before he could talk about it.

I expected Veronica to walk back in any minute since I was sure she wasn't leaving with Logan. Besides her purse was still sitting next to me and there's no way she'd leave without it. Ten more minutes passed and I was getting nervous. It's been years since I had to worry about my Bond but I was getting more wigged with each passing second.

Finally I caught Wallace's eye from where he was chatting up some girl at the bar. He came over, took in both Logan and Veronica's absence and started laughing.

"Don't tell me they're back in each other's presence for 2 seconds and they're already off doing the nasty." Wallace chuckled. He knows them as well as I do. We even have a bet going on how long until they are back together.

"If they are then I win the pool. " Dick chimes in. He's not quick on the uptake sometimes but a look crosses his face and I can see that he's coming to the same conclusion I have. Logan left almost twenty minutes ago and he left alone. So where is Veronica?

"Wait, Logan didn't leave with her. Did she leave too?" he asks, getting concerned. He's not her biggest fan having picked up the pieces of Logan one too many times but he is loyal to his best friend and he knows that Logan would be worried. Wallace and I share a look. If Logan left on his own, then where the hell is she?

"Her purse is still here. There's no way she would leave without it. Maybe she saw someone she knows. " I say trying to keep the panic I'm feeling from showing.

"We'll split up and look for her. Dick, call Logan, see if she did end up going with him." Wallace says calmly. I know he's worried but too many years of being friends with Veronica have taught him to handle a crisis. That girl has a knack for getting into trouble.

"If he answers she's not with him. Boy hasn't been laid in years and if he's got her, I doubt he'll be coming up for air for the rest of his break." Dick points out while pulling out his cell phone and calling Logan.

Logan picks up after 2 rings. I can hear him through Dick's phone despite the noise in this place. Wallace has already started to look for her following the way she ran earlier.

"What man? I'm not in a talkative mood right now. " Logan growls.

"Is that because you've got a hot blonde sitting there with you?" Dick asks.

"What? No. I'm on my own. It's just been a night." I can almost see Logan standing in his living room fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves, trying to pull them over his knuckles, a long time nervous habit that he's mostly gotten over. I can almost pinpoint when it dawns on him why Dick is calling and sure enough..

"Where is she? What is going on?"

"You'd better talk to Mac dude. "

"Mac, what's going on? Isn't Veronica with you? When I left I figured she'd come back in and find you." I can hear the panic in his voice and I have to struggle to keep my voice even so he doesn't spiral out of control.

"She never came back in and I still have her purse. If she's not with you then maybe she saw someone she knows and is just talking outside or maybe the bouncer is giving her a hard time about coming back in. Wallace is looking for her."

I know he's running his hands through his hair now, a sure sign that he's upset.

"I'm coming back. If you find her before I get there.." He trails off unsure what he wants.

"We'll be here. I'll let you know when we find her. " When, not if. I have to keep believing that.

Logan

I'm out the door and heading back to 09er in less than five minutes. When I had gotten home, I just flopped on the couch, trying to think through what just happened. I was regretting running even though I know no good could have come from continuing any conversation, if what had happened could be described as such. I imagined seeing her again so many times and while many of them have been less than PG-13 or even NC-17, I always thought we'd talk, build up to something like that if I was lucky.

I probably don't need to be racing back. She's probably fine, just talking to someone she knows like Mac said. But I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault or at least that it has something to do with me. It would figure that we've stayed away from one another for five years now and the second we come together hell breaks loose. This is just my luck. I know from Keith that she has stayed out of trouble all this time. No more chasing down rapists and being threatened by meth head Fitzpatrick's.

She's fine, she'll be fine. I'll get there and she'll be drinking with Mac, maybe tearing into her about keeping her friendship with me from her. But my spidey sense is tingling and I can't help but feel like she's in danger.

I don't think I have any enemies these days. I've been living a fairly quiet life, only interacting in the context of work or school. I haven't been fighting so I can't imagine why my presence would trigger anything. I think back to that death threat from Gorya Sorkin years ago. Nothing ever came of that and by the time I went back to Hearst, he was long gone. Besides he didn't strike me as the type to play the long game.

I'm debating on calling Keith as I pull up to the valet but I don't want to raise an alarm just yet. I throw my keys to the guy standing there and bypass the velvet rope. Sometimes my name is a good thing. An Echolls can still do whatever they want in this town. I should feel bad about that but right now it's working in my favor and I'll take any advantage I can if it means the difference in her safety.

I look for Mac hoping that I'll see a petite blonde with her. If she's there I'm going to just head back out. I am not going to grab her and finish what we started. I'm not. Okay I might have to see for myself that she's okay but that doesn't mean I will be pulling her into the bathroom and fucking her senseless. We're adults now and we can have a mature conversation without getting carried away.

Yeah right who am I kidding. I may be an adult and I may want to have that conversation with her, but if she's not in trouble I'm going to be hard pressed to not continue what we started. I don't know how I managed to leave her the first time around. I shouldn't have left her before but I didn't want us to fall back into our old patterns and lord knows our chemistry in the bedroom was never our problem. If I'm in this again I need it to be better. I need us to talk and be on the same page. I can't just lose myself in the hormones and physical release. But first she has to be okay.

I spot Mac but a cursory look shows no Veronica. I will myself to think clearly not just go off half-cocked. That was always my problem in the past. I acted first and thought second. It's how I found myself beating the shit out of Piz when I saw that video. I think I knew he was innocent but he was touching my girl and my head was a scary sea of red.

Bygones. I'm not that person anymore. I can be rational about all of this. Look at the facts, think instead of leading with my heart.

"Did you find her? " I say by way of greeting to Mac. She sadly shakes her head no.

"Logan I have a really bad feeling. My mind keeps flashing to a conversation she and I had a couple of months ago. She told me that she had been having the feeling that someone was watching her off and on these past 3 years. She didn't have any idea who it could be but she didn't feel like they wanted to harm her. They just watched. What if this person finally decided to stop watching?"

"She never said anything to Keith." I know if he knew this he would have told me.

"I don't think she ever told anyone other than me. I think at one point she thought it was you and was trying to get me to tell her if it was you. I know it's not you since you've never gone to Stanford to see her. I think she knew it wasn't you too but that she wished it was. She said it didn't feel the same as it felt when you were near her. "

I always wondered if she felt that connection like I did. She has always been so good at keeping her feelings closed off that I could never tell. It's part of the reason I broke up with her that one time. I was in so deep and I couldn't stand the idea that it was all one sided.

At the look on my face Mac says, "You have it too don't you? It's like you can feel each other's presence from across a crowded room." I nod.

"I always thought it was just me. Even when I thought I hated her, I could feel her. I always knew when she entered a room. It's like I'm a compass and she's my due north. "

"Well let's hope it hasn't diminished over time because I am really worried. "

Just then Wallace joins us. "No Veronica, but I found this outside by the wall around the corner from the front door." He says with the barest nod to acknowledge my presence. I look at what's in his hand and my heart skips a beat. In his hand is a thin silver chain with a silver star with a diamond in the center. Even if I hadn't seen it on her a million times I would know it anywhere.

Her 15th birthday, Lilly gave her that necklace. I saw her wearing it earlier when I was kissing her. That necklace that she still treasures to this day.

I guess she still loves Lilly. I don't understand that, but I've long since peeled away my rose colored glasses in regards to the Kanes. While they may represent a more innocent time in my life I also know that they weren't manipulative, selfish, narcissistic people who went out of their way to hurt both Veronica and I in ways I'm still coming to terms with. That necklace is a perfect example. Lilly didn't get it for Veronica, I did. I saw it in a jewelry shop a few weeks before her birthday while I was with my mom.

Flashback

"Thanks for being so patient sweetie. I'll only be a few minutes longer. I swear prepping for these awards shows gets harder and harder every year." Lynn Echolls says to her teenage son.

He has been moping a lot lately since that girl he's dating is messing with his emotions again. Not for the first time she wished he would say goodbye to that tramp Lilly Kane and focus on someone better for him like the Mars girl. Realistically she knew Veronica was too sweet and innocent for her jaded boy but she couldn't help but hope that he could find someone who didn't make him feel worse about himself than he already did. When she saw Logan and Veronica together, it just seemed like he was always smiling. More than anything she wanted him to be happy.

She knew it was her fault. If she could just be brave and stand up to Aaron, maybe her sweet, sensitive son wouldn't think it was okay to be with someone who was so cruel to him, constantly jerking him around and keeping him on a short leash. Shaking her head she went back to looking at the pieces the jeweler was showing her trying to decide what wouldn't make Aaron upset. While she was focused elsewhere, Logan wandered around the store moodily.

In the back of his mind was the thought that maybe if he got Lilly some jewelry maybe she would take him back and she would finally love him like he loved her. Thoughts of their latest fight echoed in his ears. She accused him of smothering her, trying to tie her down. Was it too much to ask that he mean more to her than just sex or for her to be faithful when they were together? How the hell was he supposed to react when he caught her kissing Casey Gant at Madison's party the other night? Veronica would never treat Duncan the way Lilly treated him.

He knew better than to go down that line of thought. There was a time when he would have done anything to be with Veronica but both Lilly and Duncan had made him see that she was too good for the Hollywood royalty progeny who lost his innocence far too early. It was easy to believe them, Veronica was everything light and good in the world and he was entitled, impulsive and reckless with a darkness in him just like his father. He was constantly getting into fights, drinking too much, making liberal use of recreational drugs, and sleeping with random girls when he and Lilly were in an off period. Even he could see that he would just corrupt her and he didn't want to do that to something so pure. Much better to admire her from a distance.

Thinking about her still made him feel more calm even if he knew it wasn't meant to be. He glanced in a jewelry case and saw it. A delicate star with a diamond in the middle. Somehow it made him think of Veronica.

'She's like that, a star with a diamond hard center core of strength.' He thinks to himself. Her birthday is coming up and he just knows this is perfect for her.

"Do you see something you want?" Lynn asked him, coming up silently behind him.

"The star, I was thinking it would be good for Veronica's birthday." He answered not looking up at her.

Lynn looked at the pendant and agreed, "It's perfect for her. Let's pick a chain to go with it and have it gift wrapped."

Logan couldn't wait to tell his friends that he found the perfect gift for Veronica. But he wasn't prepared for their reaction ,though he probably should have been. Any hint that he cared for Veronica as anything other than his girlfriend's best friend or his best friend's girlfriend and the Kane siblings were quick to remind him of his place in their group and why he needed to keep Veronica at an arm's length. He wants so desperately to keep this family he's made for himself that he doesn't even try to believe another way is possible. Still, he just wanted to give her a nice gift since she's his friend.

"You bought my girlfriend jewelry?" Duncan asked, not sure he heard Logan correctly. The look he gives him tells Logan that he isn't happy with him. 'I thought we broke him of his infatuation with Veronica ' Duncan thinks to himself.

It is better for them if Logan stays with Lilly so they are each part of a matched pair. Besides Logan isn't good enough for the innocent Veronica Mars. Veronica is a sweet Madonna who must be protected from the ugliness of the world, not subjected to the depraved imagination of someone like Logan Echolls. With her innocence and willingness to make him happy, putting his needs above her own, she was going to make the perfect politician's wife someday.

"It's not like that. I was shopping with my mom and we just happened to see this pendant that we thought she'd like. We're friends and I wanted to get her something she'd like."

"Oh, Logan, you know you can't give Veronica something like that. You don't want to toy with her emotions. What if she thought it meant more than it does? You wouldn't want to hurt her feelings." Lilly breathed in his ear as she slipped her arms around him, pressing her breasts into his back. As always happened when she got close to him, all the blood drained from his head and centered lower. "You know you belong with me. You're much too dirty for someone as clean as Veronica. She would never let you do every filthy thing your mind comes up with like I do. Let her and Duncan have their fairy tale romance and innocent love. That's not for the likes of you and me. We thrive in the dark."

Like he always did, he agreed with her hoping that this meant they were back together. Everything made sense, he wasn't good enough for Veronica and he didn't want her to think he had feelings he didn't by giving her something that you would normally expect a boyfriend to give. When Lilly suggested that she give it to Veronica instead so no one would get upset he readily agreed. Anything to make her forgive him. Then she took his hands and dragged him to her room and made use of his body for the next hour proving how her dirty mind matched his own. All thoughts of the present and Veronica were effectively erased from his head.

On the day of the party, Logan couldn't help but pay attention to her reaction to the necklace, secretly delighted that she seemed to truly love it.

"Lilly, it's absolutely perfect. I love it. How did you know? " Veronica gushed to her best friend.

"I'm your best friend, aren't I?" Lilly told her. "Who else would know what you would like so well?"

Lynn could only watch as that bitch took credit for her son's thoughtful gift. For his part Logan just smiled and tried to laugh when Veronica teased him about his silly gift. Lynn sighed. 'Add it to my list of sins that my son doesn't believe himself worthy of a girl like Veronica Mars.' She thought to herself.

End flashback

Logan now knows that he was just a toy for Lilly. She fed into his insecurities. Every time she cheated was further proof that he was flawed. It was no more than he deserved. But he hasn't been that person for a while. Now he knows that he deserves more, he deserves someone who can be with him for him and not his name or money, someone who loves him despite his baggage not because of it, someone who doesn't play games with him. The fault laid not in him but in Lilly. She claimed he was too damaged for the likes of Veronica but really she was the damaged one. I mean what kind of sane person fucks their boyfriend's abusive father? While he never said a word about his abuse, didn't even discuss it with Veronica, he knows Lilly knew and he knows she didn't care.

Once his anger and grief passed, and the hormones calmed, he was able to see that what he felt for her wasn't love. It was a toxic relationship and very abusive. It was a classic relationship for an abuse victim, something he wasn't able to see himself as at the time. He only knew pain from those who were supposed to love him and he carried that into his relationship with Lilly, seeing her cheating and lying as a form of love. It was okay because she made him physically feel good which is why it took him so long to see the difference.

For all his cruel actions of the past, mainly towards Veronica herself, Logan was still capable of love and when he did love it was all encompassing, he gave everything to that love. That alone made him a person worthy of love. If he had learned that sooner so much could have been different. Regretting what's been won't get him anywhere, he can't change the past but he can be better in the future.

Of course first he has to find her. The necklace tells him that she didn't leave on her own. The clasp isn't broken so someone took it off her. He knows she never takes it off voluntarily.

"Do they have cameras here? Can we get the footage, maybe we'll see where she went. " Logan asks, trying to stay on task.

"I'd imagine that they do but we'd need a court order to get them." Mac answers.

"Can't you just hack into them? Somehow I doubt the sheriff will be willing to come to her aid " Logan says thinking of Sheriff Van Lowe and his shady ways.

"I could, but I don't have my laptop with me." Mac says.

"I'm going to call Keith. Check her bag and see if her phone is in there and then we'll see about the security footage." Logan already has his phone out hitting speed dial 2. Veronica is still number one even though he's not sure she has the same number.

Taking a step away from the group as Wallace starts going through Veronica's purse, he wills Keith to pick up.

"Hey, you're not calling to cancel on me are you? That's not cool unless you've finally decided to get back up on the dating horse and met a pretty filly." Keith answers. "I think I'll stop there with that analogy."

"No to the first and maybe to the second. Keith, I saw Veronica tonight. I can't even talk about that right now. I'm here with Mac, Wallace, and Dick and we can't find her. " I shut my eyes waiting for him to yell at me, tell me it's my fault. As far as we've come in our relationship, when it comes to his daughter, I still keep expecting him to hurt me to keep me from hurting her.

"Logan, what do you mean you can't find her? What happened? Did you two fight?" Keith asks gently.

"No sir, no fighting. Ummm, we kissed." I say quickly, knowing that he's going to be disappointed in me and also knowing that saying we kissed is a very mild description for the explosion between us. Probably not the best idea to tell the father of the girl you love how you were two seconds away from fucking his precious daughter against a wall outside a club. I still ache from how close I was to her.

Telling him that runs so very counter to all my other discussions in recent years regarding my feelings for Veronica. I have told him that while I still care immensely about Veronica, I'm not in love with her anymore. I wonder if he knows how much of a lie that is. Maybe he doesn't since I certainly didn't think it was a lie I was telling myself until she was in front of me tonight. I truly thought I had lost that feeling, but I guess I just pushed it deep down so I didn't have to feel the heartache of not being with her anymore.

"I know it's too fast but it happened. I didn't even start it but I did run away and went home before things could get out of hand." I finish lamely. I don't know why I pushed the blame onto Veronica, it's not like I wasn't a willing participant or that I wouldn't have kissed her if Mac hadn't interrupted us when we first saw each other. I guess I just want Keith not to think I'm some horny guy who's going to jump his daughter the second he sees her. I mean, I am, but I don't want him to think that.

"If you ran away, how do you know she's not there? Are you back at the club?" Keith asks going into full PI mode. He needs all the information, no matter how trivial, so he can solve the case.

"When I left Mac kept waiting for Veronica to come back inside since she had her purse. When she didn't they looked for her in the club, but couldn't find her. Then they called me to see if maybe Veronica had left with me. Since she hadn't I came back to help find her." I pause, take a deep breath and continue "Keith, Wallace found her star necklace outside. It wasn't broken. I know she wouldn't voluntarily take it off."

"No, I agree she loves that necklace and what it represents." Keith says. He's thinking about how this is one of many things he's kept from Logan over the years when it comes to Veronica. How he and Veronica knew Logan was the one that picked it out and bought it for her 15th birthday.

Lynn had told him years ago at Veronica's birthday party. He didn't like the idea that the wild Echolls boy knew his daughter so well so he kept it to himself. When Veronica told him a few years ago that she was taking it off because she couldn't wear it anymore since it came from someone as despicable as Lilly, Keith finally shared the truth. Keith had grown close to Logan by then and he felt that Veronica deserved the truth about the necklace. She hadn't said anything at the time but the next day it was back around her neck and they never spoke of it again. Keith assumed that she wore it now as a reminder of Logan and the connection they'd shared even before they dated.

"Logan you're sure she's not still there, maybe talking to someone or in the bathroom." He asks, clutching at straws. He knows Logan wouldn't be calling him if she was anywhere in the building.

"No sir, I don't feel her nearby." Keith and I have talked about my awareness of his daughter. It's one of many things we've discussed. Over the years I guess he's come to believe me even though I don't always believe it myself. I always know when it's her calling when we're together and always make an excuse to give him privacy so he doesn't have to lie to her.

"Okay, I want one of you to stay there, in case she comes back. The rest of you get your asses to my house and we'll start figuring out where she could be." Keith orders.

I thank him and turned to his friends. "Keith wants us to come to his house. One of us needs to stay here in case she comes back." Dick volunteers to stay and promises to call if he sees her.

I look at Wallace and Mac and they both get up, ready to do whatever is necessary to find Veronica. A search of her purse doesn't yield her cell phone.

We head out, opting to take Mac's car. As I pass the spot where I last saw her, I morbidly wonder if that's the last time I'll ever see her. Maybe our luck has finally run out. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I try to shake off these thoughts. I just found her again, there's so much to be said, so much more I want to do with her. I'm ready now. I don't know if she is but I want the chance to find out.

Kidnapper

Fucking Logan Echolls, he ruins everything he touches.

Thanks to him all my carefully laid plans are turned upside down. I've watched her so closely these past few years, always staying out of her sight, keeping one step ahead. I knew if I just gave her time, eventually she'd see things my way. I took it as a good sign that she never went running back to him. My girl is one who sticks by her words. If she says you're out, you're out. I thought that meant she had learned that he wasn't the one for her.

I almost didn't follow her to Neptune because I was convinced that he meant nothing to her now. I'm glad I did follow since clearly she hasn't completely severed her ties to him. I don't understand his hold on her, he's caused her nothing but pain.

When I saw them outside, I was furious. He was putting his hands on my sweet and pure Veronica, corrupting her with his lewdness and debauchery. I had to put a stop to it, warn him away. They have to be taught a lesson. Veronica needs to learn that she is mine and Logan fucking Echolls needs to learn there is nothing I won't do to ensure he doesn't touch her again. I have worked too long to lose her now.


	9. Getting Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - I hope you like this latest installment.

Veronica

When I wake up, my mouth feels like it's full of wool and it takes me a minute to clear the cobwebs from my mind. I'm obviously not at the club anymore, but the question is where am I and why am I here. I force myself to stay calm and assess the situation like my dad taught me so very long ago. Take in all the information before I jump to conclusions.

Here's what I can tell, I'm alone for now in a room unknown. I still have my clothes on so thank goodness for small miracles. That at least tells me whoever has me probably hasn't had time to violate me. There's a window in the room I think since I can now see a sliver of light coming from the wall to my left. My hands are tied behind my back with something silky, so no rope burns. Maybe my assailant isn't trying to hurt me? I file that thought away for later examination while continuing my assessment of my physical imprisonment. I'm sitting in a chair and my feet are tied, again with some silky material, to the legs of the chair. The way my arms are tied and pulled behind the back of the chair, I can't really look down at my feet. It's not the most comfortable of positions, but I've been in worse. I wiggle my toes and realize that my shoes are gone.

Somehow that seems to be the creepiest part of this and a shiver goes down my spine. Why take my shoes off? Does whoever took me have a foot fetish? Before panic can set in, I take a deep breath and try to see if I can feel my cell phone where I stashed it in my bra earlier tonight. It's an old habit born out of too many situations where I've needed to call for help, like getting locked in the trunk of a car or getting kidnapped. I shimmy a little and feel its familiar weight pressing against my skin. I give a little sigh of relief, I'm not completely without hope as long as I have that.

Now that my physical assessment is done, my mind begins to race, trying to figure out what's going on. It's a sad testament to my life that this is not the first time I've found myself in this kind of situation. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out who and why someone would take me now. I really have been trying to live a normal life these past few years. No danger, just classes and the normal day to day activities with friends.

The only weird thing these past few years has been the occasional feeling that someone is watching me. I can never find who it is and since it doesn't happen that often, I honestly haven't thought about it much, preferring to ignore rather than racing back into danger. For a while, I thought it was Logan, but the way I feel when he's around is different.

Logan. I think of the look on his face before he ran away tonight, this morning? I'm not sure what time it is really and how long I was out. He looked scared, but of himself or me, I really couldn't say. It figures that as soon as I interact with Logan I'm back in danger. Not that this is his fault, that is something the old me would think. It's just that bad luck seems to follow us when we come together.

Five years ago, that fact would be enough to have me running from him again. Better to be apart and live separate lives than to risk the bloodshed and ruined lives that are the hallmark of our relationship. Now, having seen him, felt his body curl around me, the taste of his mouth, I can't just walk away again. I've been avoiding the inevitable for too long. Someway, somehow he and I need to talk and figure this thing out between us. Even if we are just friends, though a part of me rebels at that thought, we are stronger together. I need a chance to see what could be.

I don't even know what he's doing these days. Mac had made it sound like he doesn't live in Neptune anymore. I don't know why I'm surprised. Did I think he would just stay there waiting for me to return? That's never really been his jam. He's more of the move on type of person and hope that we find a way back. If he's not in Neptune then where is he and what is he doing these days? I'm really regretting not asking more questions or even really talking to him at all. I don't regret kissing him. I don't think I could have stopped that. Even if I have dated a few guys over the years, kissing Logan is still tantamount to an earth shattering event. One I fully intend to explore more fully after we have a chance to talk.

I just first have to get out of here. Not an easy task when I'm tied to a chair and I don't even know where here is or what my assailant has in store for me. Since I was grabbed from behind, I didn't get a chance to see anything of the person who took me so I don't have much to work with.

I go through my memories of last night, trying to think if I saw someone, or something that could help me figure this out. Unfortunately, from the moment I realized Logan was there, my entire focus was narrowed to him. I could describe in minute detail the clothes he was wearing, dark blue v-neck t-shirt that showed off his shoulder muscles and biceps, jeans that hugged his taut ass, emphasizing his narrow waist and strong, long legs. I can describe how his hair is slightly shorter than it used to be, but still has that artful messy look that I know takes him forever to achieve. I smile at the thought of his grooming habits, he's such a girl. I think of his smile when he's happy, a smile I haven't seen in far too long, one I want desperately to see now. It's the kind of smile that lights up his entire face.

Of course, remembering all of this about Logan is not going to help me figure out who took me or where I am or how the hell I'm going to get out of here. I run through the facts as I know them once again. Logan, Mac, Wallace, and even Dick were at the club. One or all of them will wonder where I am when I didn't come back in. I left my purse at our table with Mac when I ran outside. They wouldn't think I would just go home and leave it there. Even if they did, one of them would call my dad to see if I made it home.

What does that mean? It means it won't take them long to figure out that I'm missing. Even though I don't know how long I've been gone, they're probably already looking for me. Unless they think I took off to be by myself after my encounter with Logan. They might think I just need space, in which case they may not start to worry until I'm MIA the next day. I really wish I could figure out what time it is. The light coming from the window isn't giving me any indication, it's so slight that I really can't tell if it's an interior light or the rising sun.

For now, I'm going to have to hope that they figure out I'm missing sooner rather than later. Right now, I have my phone which means my dad can find me, but I have no idea how long that particular piece of good luck is going to last. Also once my battery drains, it might as well be a brick for all the help it will provide.

Suddenly, a door I hadn't noticed opens in front of me and my eyes burn at the sudden influx of light. I see spots as a shadow walks towards me. I blink to clear my vision and my mouth drops open. Never in a million years would I have thought he'd be standing in front of me.

"You just had to go back to him. All these years and you stayed away from him and I believed that there was nothing there. But then you go running back to him as soon as he looks at you. You will learn that you are mine, not his. I will make sure you never go back to him." A dark voice whispers to me. I open my mouth to speak but his hand is already moving. Something powdery is blown into my face and my vision goes white before darkness claims me again.

Logan

Keith was already a whirlwind of activity when Mac, Wallace, and I got to the house. He handed Mac a laptop and instructed her to get all the security footage she could, not just from the club but the surrounding area. He has already started a tracking program for her cell phone but because the tracking isn't turned on in the phone the best we can hope for is a rough estimation of the phone's whereabouts. There's no guarantee that she still has it on her.

Mac is a genius and it only takes her an hour until she's got the footage from the club cameras and all surrounding streets. Wallace, Mac and I are going through the club footage while Keith goes through the surrounding street footage.

Thankfully, the club's cameras clearly show the area that she was last seen. I fast forward the tape until we see Veronica standing by the wall. I join her a second later and we watch as we collide. Mac gives me a smirk but stays quiet. I can feel myself blushing at how passionate we look.

Keith looks over and comments "I guess you were telling the truth. She definitely attacked you though you don't seem to put out."

"Oh he's putting out" Wallace laughs.

I shoot daggers at him, but don't say anything, my eyes fixed on the screen looking for anything that will tell me what happened to her. If I was alone, I'd probably watch that scene over and over again just to keep the memory fresh in my mind. It's already starting to feel like a dream. Seeing it again I'm reliving it. How she fit into my arms. The feel of her lips on mine. I want to find her and finish this encounter. I never should have run. If I hadn't maybe she wouldn't be missing.

I shake my head to clear my wayward thoughts. Now is not the time. I need to find her and make sure she's okay. I continue watching the video. I see myself pull away and practically run back into the club. Veronica is just standing there with a hand to her mouth like she's in shock. Then she takes a few steps forward in the direction I went (was she coming after me?) and a shadow comes up behind her. His face, it's definitely a guy, is hidden on the footage but we see him put something over her mouth and she slumps down. We watch in horror as he picks her up, bridal style, and carries her outside the camera's view.

"Well, I guess that answers if she left of her will." Mac states. "I guess we need to figure out who that guy is."

Keith, Wallace, Mac and I are going over our list of potential enemies, but none of them make sense.

"Gorya." Mac says.

"Never heard a word from him after that day." I say.

Keith adds, "He's in Chicago now. I keep tabs on him."

"What about Piz?" I ask Wallace.

"He hated you for sure, but this isn't his style. I haven't spoken to him much in recent years, but he was always more of a lover than a fighter." He answers. That doesn't rule him out in my mind, but it's clear the others can't fathom him being capable of something like this. Naturally, he's just too good a guy.

After we've exhausted everyone we could think of, we're still waiting on Keith to triangulate her cell phone. There's some sort of interference and he keeps picking up a signal but then it disappears. It's almost like whoever has her is still on the move but going through dead zones. Since the club has closed, Dick has joined us but he's been quiet all this time sort of staring off into space. Veronica has now been missing for six hours and we're all exhausted. I'm not worried by Dick's silence since this sort of thing isn't his forte, he's more there for moral support.

"What about Duncan?" Dick suddenly says.

"What about him? No one has seen or heard from him in years since he fled the country." Keith says dismissively.

'Umm, I have." Dick says, shrugging his shoulders.

"What? When? Why didn't you tell me?" I'm reeling. A part of me is panicking thinking that Duncan might be back and what that means for Veronica and I. I have tried not to think of my ex-best friend a lot over the years, deciding it was easier to just figure he was gone from our lives forever. The thought of him anywhere near her brings forth a mix of anger and jealousy. It nearly killed me when Veronica went back to him our senior year.

Seeing the two of them together, knowing she had willingly let him touch her after what he did to her I can't even begin to explain what that did and does to me. I'm still not sure I understand even after years of therapy. I tried to be fine with the whole thing at the time, beyond my jealousy fueled tantrums towards her, making nice with Duncan. I figured if she didn't see it as rape, then maybe I just didn't understand? It's not an experience I've had and who am I to tell her how she should handle it. She seemed to need him in some way and even my attempt to out his affair with Kendall, didn't seem to change her mind. He's always been above reproach in her eyes, the perfect golden prince.

I wish she would give me the same unwavering faith that she gave him. Instead I got accusations and suspicion. He could do no wrong, but everything I did was wrong. I may have brought the drugs to the party and slipped him a dose, but he was the one who raped her.

Despite my conviction that what happened between them at Shelly Pomeroy's party was not consensual, what really gets to me is the fear that someday he might come back and they'd be together again. We were never big on sharing our secrets, but the fact that their whole breakup was staged to help him get away with his kid is something that she shared with me in one of our rare honest discussions. I never had the courage to ask her if she still loved him and I've always worried that she was only with me because she couldn't be with him. If I get the chance to see her again, I'm going to ask. I need to know that I'm not her second choice.

Dick is shifting under the scrutiny in the room and he struggles to explain himself.

"A few years ago. It was at the 09er, actually. I was out getting my swerve on and I literally ran into him back near the bathrooms. Almost didn't recognize him, it's been so long since I've seen him, plus I might have been a little mind altered at the time." He glances over at Keith and looks down, slightly ashamed. Even Dick has gotten to respect Keith over the years and sees him as the stand in father figure neither one of us had in our own fathers. "I asked him when he got back into town and he told me he'd been back for a few weeks. I guess the charges were dropped and he came home. He said he wasn't living here permanently, just visiting before heading up north. I didn't think anything of it and I'm a little fuzzy on the details. It's not like we're friends anymore and he didn't seem to want to catch up, at least not about me."

"What do you mean, not about you?" Logan growls.

"I told you, I was messed up. I don't really remember everything. Let me think, there was something about you and something about Ronnie." Dick begins, thinking hard to remember that encounter.

Flashback

Dick is dancing with a red headed hottie whose name he has already forgotten. He's without his wingman yet again since Logan refuses to go to clubs where he might be tempted to drink or get high. Dick knows it's for the best but he misses the fun they used to have. His frat brothers just aren't the same as Logan.

He doesn't usually partake in anything more than the occasional weed, but tonight one of his frat brothers had some Molly and Dick has had a rough week. His dad was just released from prison and is trying to be all fatherly. 'Fuck that shit' Dick thinks, wanting nothing to do with the asshole. Thoughts have been clamoring in his head all day about his younger brother Cassidy and he just needs a bit of escape. Side effect of Molly is he needs to drink an excessive amount of water which means he needs to piss constantly. He leaves the dance floor heading to the bathrooms, still dancing a little. He is feeling good right now. He does a little turn and bumps into a guy standing against the wall in the shadows.

"Sorry dude, didn't see you there." He apologizes quickly.

"No more than I expect from Dick Casablancas." The guy tells him.

"Do I know you, dude?" Dick looks more closely thinking the guy looks really familiar, but his face is in the shadows. The voice is familiar, but he can't quite place it. Just when he's ready to give up trying, something clicks in his brain. "DK, is that you? Fuck, dude when did you blow back into town?"

"I came back a few weeks ago when the charges were dropped." Duncan Kane tells him.

"Didn't you have a kid or something, I remember Logan mentioning something about that."

"No kid, not anymore, long story. Speaking of my best friend, where is Logan? Wouldn't expect you to be out on your own without him. "

"Home studying, he's all book worms these days." Dick answers.

"Are he and Veronica still together?" Duncan asks, trying not to sound too interested in the answer.

"Nah, he and Ronnie imploded a few years ago. She left and is going to school up North somewhere. Logan is flying solo these days. So are you staying in town? We should all hang out or something." Dick says, not noticing the smile that his words have caused on Duncan's face.

"Sorry, maybe another time, I've got to head out tomorrow, business to take care of up north" Duncan tells him. Dick nods, says goodbye before heading to the bathroom. When Dick comes out, Duncan is gone and Dick puts the whole thing out of his mind, looking to see if he can find that redhead again.

End Flashback

"Do you think his business was Ronnie?" Dick asks innocently.

I try not to let my frustration with my clueless best friend show. Focusing on the facts, he sorts through Dick's rambling tale trying to understand. So DK came back, but without his daughter. So what happened to her? Is that relevant? Possibly. He asked if Veronica and I were still together and he said he had business up north which is also where Stanford is.

Everyone is silent processing this information.

"Can we track him? Find out what he's been doing these past few years?" I ask Keith.

"We can, but that will take some time, especially if he's been hiding all this time. He must have been trying to fly under the radar otherwise news of the return of the Kane heir would have been big news. Mac, can you work on that? It looks like they've finally stopped moving." Keith answers, looking at Mac who nods, understanding her role.

Keith turns the computer screen towards me and I see a marked off area. I look at the map, but I don't know it.

"Where are they?" I ask Keith. None of the names on the map seem familiar to me.

"Looks like they're somewhere outside Sedona, Arizona. It's about a seven hour drive from here. At least he didn't take her out of the country, that would have been harder to track."

"We don't know for sure who has her. It could be anyone." I say. If Duncan took her, why and why now? He's been back for years, he could have gone to her at any time. I don't understand. What has changed that this stalker has suddenly changed their MO?

Keith verbalizes my thoughts "True, we don't know, but it's a lead we have to follow even if it is remote. What I want to know is what has changed. Mac, you said she told you that this person has been watching her for several years, right?"

Mac nods, barely looking up from the research she's doing. "Yeah, she said it was off and on. Nothing much except it felt like someone was watching her. She didn't seem worried. As for what's changed…" She trails off and points in my direction.

Me? What have I done?

"Why are you pointing at Logan, Mac?" Wallace asks.

She sighs and says "he's what's changed. You don't all really think it's a coincidence that she's been living a danger free life for almost five years and the second the two of them come back together, something happens?"

It's almost exactly like I was thinking earlier tonight. "Mac's right, it has to have something to do with me or rather me being near Veronica." I tell the others.

"Being near, I think more like five seconds away from going at it like bunnies like you used to do." Dick says. He glances at Keith and goes a little red. "Ummm, if bunnies were extremely studious and did nothing more than hold hands."

Wallace chokes on his laughter trying to turn it into a cough.

"I think I'm aware by now that my daughter and Logan's relationship in the past was not as Disney approved as I would have liked Dick." Keith deadpans. "Still, I think you might be right. I don't think it was just your proximity to one another that set this off, Logan. I think whoever took her wasn't a fan of seeing what looks like the beginning of a very intimate relationship."

"But it's not, its…" I trail off unsure what to say. I need to find her so I can figure out what that was.

My mind is racing. I think back to Duncan's reaction at that fake birthday party Aaron threw for me when he found out that Veronica and I were dating. Then I think about that summer before senior year and how he basically stalked her all summer, waiting for me to screw up so he could swoop back in as the knight in shining armor. That entire year, he made sure I knew that I was crazy for ever thinking I could be more to her. I don't think it was something that Veronica saw, but it was painfully apparent to me. Yet another thing to put on the list of issues we need to work through if we're going to be anything again.

Keith is talking through a plan. "Obviously we can't all run off to Arizona and driving will take too long, plus we don't know for sure that she is still with her phone. Whoever has her already has a seven hour jump on us. A lot can happen in seven hours and we don't know for sure that this is their final destination. This could just be a rest stop."

"Keith, since we're working off the idea that Duncan Kane may be involved, I pulled up a list of Kane properties to see if there's any in the area the phone is." Mac says.

"Well?" I ask impatiently "Keith just said time is of the essence so let's slow roll this."

Mac just rolls her eyes at me, far too familiar with my fall back to sarcasm and humor when I'm upset.

"I was getting to that if you hadn't decided to interrupt me. The Kanes own several properties in Arizona, mostly commercial buildings tied to Kane Industries. There is however a cabin located outside Sedona." Mac tells us.

"It's too much of a coincidence for it not to be him. We won't rule anyone out but for now, I think it's safe for us to assume that for some reason." Keith pauses as Wallace coughs my name "eh, Logan."

"As I was saying it is safe to assume Duncan Kane has taken Veronica. We don't know why or what he plans to do with her so we have to proceed with caution. First, we need to get there." Keith finishes looking at us for ideas other than wasting seven hours in a car.

"Enbom." Dick says as if it solves everything. My mind is so crowded with worries and concerns it takes me a minute to see that it truly does. Our old friend John Enbom whose father owns an airline and has access to private jets on a moment's notice.

"Call him." I bark at Dick before turning to Keith. "We'll get a private plane, I don't care the cost, we need to get there before he does anything to her."

"I'll stay here in case it's a false trail and keep researching to see what I can find out about Duncan these past few years." Mac volunteers.

"I'm going with." Wallace declares firmly. Obviously both Keith and I are going, that's not even a question. There's no way in hell I'm sitting back here waiting to see if she's okay. Dick looks torn between wanting to help me and ensuring nothing happens to Mac.

"Dick, you should stay here with Mac." I tell him knowing how hard it would be for him to not be sure she was safe as she does her hacker thing. He's very protective of Mac even if their relationship is fairly new.

"I can make sure she's got enough red vines to fuel her search." He says, silently thanking me for not making him choose.

"Should we notify the police?" Wallace asks.

"So they can do what?" I scoff.

"No, we should. It may help us if we run into problems in Arizona." Keith says and goes off to call Vinnie Van Lowe.

Dick secures a jet to be ready within the hour. Keith grabs some equipment and shoves it in a bag after he gets off the phone. Mac wishes us good luck as we head out the door for the waiting jet.

Kidnapper

Looking down on my sleeping angel, I marvel at how peaceful she looks. We're still a few hours away from the house, but she shows no signs of waking. I wasn't planning on taking her tonight so I'm flying a little blind, making this up as we go. I need to get her somewhere safe, somewhere we can't be found for a little while. I just need enough time to ensure she won't be going back to Logan.

I can be patient and wait for her to come to me. I know what she needs, I just have to give her a little push in the right direction. Thankfully, I've been prepared with what I need for a little while now.


	10. Who is he

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Not a long update and I'm not going to say much now. I'll have more to say when I post the next chapter.

Logan

The flight is mercifully short. Keith and Wallace talk quietly for the duration, but I sit there quietly lost in my own head. I'm torn between thinking of what I'm going to do to Duncan if I find that he's touched her and thoughts of what I'm going to do to her when I finally get a chance. Probably not the best idea to be thinking of her in that way when her father is sitting three feet away, but it tempers my anger about her being taken. I've come a long way from the fucked up angry 17 year old with low self-esteem, but some things haven't changed. I still see a sea of red when I think of Veronica being in danger.

Mac arranged for a car to meet us when we landed. The house was only twenty minutes from the airport. Keith navigated as I drove. Wallace takes the opportunity to take a nap. I knew that wasn't even an option for me. Now that I was this close to her potential location, I couldn't contain my manic energy. My fingers tapped on the steering wheel until Keith reached over and stilled them.

"Keep it together Logan." Keith said in a low voice that belied his own nerves.

"We've got to find her." I said. "Keith, I can't lose her. I just can't."

"Finally figured out you're still in love with her?" Keith asks, looking at me closely.

"You knew?" I asked, not bothering to deny the truth. I pushed those feelings down, but the reality is I have been in love with her for years. It doesn't matter what's going on in my life or who she's with or I'm with, it's always been her and it always will be.

"I think it was a case of the gentleman doth protest too much. You needed to believe it to move on, I figured you'd figure it out eventually." Keith tells me.

"You're okay with this?"I have avoided this discussion for so long. Keith knows all of my secrets. He knows what I've done. I don't know that our relationship will survive my pursuit of his daughter. I think I've always thought that he was only willing to help me because I promised to stay away from Veronica.

"Logan, I always knew it was only a matter of time. Either you were going to go after her or she was going to go after you. The two of you have a connection that defies explanation. I'm just glad that you both took the time to get your heads on straight so that maybe you won't relive the mistakes of the past." Keith reassures me.

"Thanks Keith. I hope I don't let you down. She's it for me and I'm going to do everything I can to make her happy. Is it too soon for me to ask for your blessing?" I want to be clear on what my intentions are.

"Let's find her first and then we can have a nice conversation with my shotgun between us." Keith laughingly says, but I can tell he's partially serious. No matter how much he likes me, his daughter is always going to be number one. I'm just happy to have a place in his heart.

We arrived at the cabin then. The cabin is smaller than I expected given the Kanes wealth, but its not small either. There's a circular driveway but Keith tells me to park the car a little ways down the street. We'll walk from here. Mac has sent pictures and schematics that she was able to pull off the local tax assessors office so we have an idea of how to approach the cabin. We wake Wallace and Keith hands each of us an ear piece so we can be in contact with each other and Mac, who naturally has tapped into the satellites in the area.

Keith goes over the plan one more time. I will go to the back of the cabin, while Wallace goes to a side entrance. Keith will take the front door. We have no idea what we're going to find, but it doesn't surprise me when Keith pulls out 2 gun cases from the trunk. He hands one each to Wallace and I.

"I don't think I need to tell you that these are a last resort. I trust you remember how to handle them." Keith says as he checks his own holster for his .38 special.

I look at the 9mm in my hand, thinking back to the shooting lessons Big Dick gave me once upon a time. I nod at Keith and Wallace does the same.

We head to the house, moving quietly. Despite saving time, dusk is still beginning to fall and it gives the red rocks around us an eerie glow. I slip away from the others and circle round the back to find the door. When I reach it, I pull out the lockpick set that Keith gave me preparing to have to pick the lock. On a whim, I try the door handle and find it unlocked.

"The doors unlocked, I'm headed in." I whisper, hoping they can pick up my voice through the ear piece.

"Be careful." Mac says in my ear.

I enter the house into what looks like the kitchen. My eyes sweep over the surfaces, looking for any signs of habitation. The house is quiet and my footsteps sound loud in the silence. I walk through the kitchen into a dining room, still no one. I see a staircase and as I look at it trying to decide if I should head up the stairs or keep searching rooms downstairs, I feel that tingle in the direction of the stairs. She's up there.

"I'm going upstairs. That's where she is." I whisper.

No one questions me, but I hear Keith coming up behind me from the front of the house. Wallace whispers he'll clear downstairs to make sure Duncan's not there. It wouldn't do for us to get surprised. I just want to get to Veronica and get out of here. Her safety is everything to me at this point, even more than vengeance against the person who took her.

I climb the stairs and pause, waiting for that tingle to tell me which way to go. I head left down a hallway with Keith following. I open a door a little ways down the hall and there she is. She's tied to a chair with her head slumped down. The room is empty except for the chair and Veronica. There's another door to the left that I assume leads to a bathroom or a closet. I run to her side and lift her head. I don't feel for a pulse and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

As I start to untie her, I try to wake her. Keith is still checking the other rooms, looking for any signs of danger.

"Veronica, love, please wake up." I say softly. When I have her untied, I pick her up and start to carry her from the room. She stirs and I look down at her face.

"You're okay, you're safe now, I've got you." I tell her as she opens her eyes. She looks at me and her eyes go wide, I hold her closer to me, trying to communicate that I won't let anything hurt her, but instead of her relaxing into me as she's always done in the past, she opens her mouth and screams.

She's pushing at me now and I'm worried about hurting her if I keep trying to hold onto her while she struggles in my arms. I put her feet on the ground and move to keep my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes are wild and it's like she doesn't even see me. I have never seen this look of utter terror in her eyes. She pulls away and looks wildly around the room, trying to find a place to hide. Finally seeing no good options, she curls up in a corner hiding her face with her hands.

I kneel down next to her and try to reach for her, but she flinches away from me. Keith comes running into the room having heard her scream. She glances up and when she sees him, she launches herself into his arms.

"Daddy." She cries. Keith holds her, murmuring that she's safe now. She's shaking all over, crying.

I stand there watching, unsure what to do. I want nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and take all her pain away, but it's like she doesn't know me. Wallace's voice comes over my ear piece.

"Ummm, guys, there's someone down here."

I look at Keith and he mouths 'go' over Veronica's head. I head downstairs, telling Wallace I'm on my way. When I get to the living room, Wallace is standing there over an unconscious guy I've never seen.

"You knocked his ass out?" I ask, impressed. I don't know who he is, but if he's here, I doubt he's innocent in all of this.

"No, I found him like this." Wallace says. "Should we tie him up?"

"I guess. Keith will want to question him." I take advantage of the fact that he's out and go through his pants pockets, pulling out a wallet and a packet of some powder. Doesn't look like coke to me, but I set it aside and nudge a toe into the guy's side and he mumbles before rolling over. He looks up at us and blinks.

"Who are you? What did you do to her?" I growl at him.

His mouth gapes open but no sound comes out. After a few aborted attempts to speak, he finally says "where am I?"

This is just getting weirder and weirder. Keith has calmed Veronica down enough to get her downstairs. They come into the room, Keith supporting her like she's still having trouble walking. I keep the guy in my line of sight while I try to get closer to her. Her head is down and I reach out a hand to lift her face. When she sees me, her eyes immediately take on that wild look and she searches the room for anything else to look at. They land on Wallace briefly and she relaxes slightly, before taking in the guy on the floor.

"Chris?" She says.

Who the fuck is Chris?

Keith

Veronica is still shaking so I hand her off to Wallace, who she goes to willingly while keeping a wide berth around Logan, telling him to take her to the car and call the police.

Logan starts to follow, not willing to be apart from her, but I stop him with a hand on his arm. Now is not the time to tell him what Veronica said upstairs. I'm still not sure what to make of it. Something is very off here, but Logan going to her now will only make things worse. I'm going to have to talk to him, but right now I need to know why some guy Veronica dated for a few months years back is here in Arizona with her.

Chris is still sitting there looking bewildered by everything going on. I can feel the anger coming off of Logan in waves and I hope he can reign it in so I can get some answers. I don't need him to beat the guy senseless at this point though I understand the feeling.

I lean down to Chris and speak softly "Chris, do you remember me?"

He shakes his head as if to clear it and then says "Mr. Mars? What's going on?"

Either this guy is the world's best actor or he really doesn't understand what's going on. Given Veronica's confusion, I'm going to go with the latter. Besides, when I knew the boy, he was a premed student who was another one of Veronica's nice boys. The kind of guys she thinks I want her to be with rather than the one she truly wants. Who is currently pacing and running his hands through his hair in agitation.

"Who the fuck is Chris?" He bites off each word as if it pains him.

"Logan, I need you to calm down for a minute." I tell him, turning my attention back to Chris.

"Chris, we're in Arizona, you're in the Kane's Sedona cabin. Do you remember how you got here? Do you remember bringing Veronica here?"

"Who...I don't know. I remember going to class, but then everything is just blank."

"You fucking liar. You kidnapped her, did god knows what to her." Logan growls.

"Enough. Sit the fuck down Logan. I won't tell you again." I snap at him.

He sits down, but the scowl on his face says he's far from done.

"Chris, you don't remember anything unusual after class, talking to someone?"

He shakes his head. "What's going on?" He asks again.

By this time the police have arrived. I'm not sure how we'll explain being in the Kane's house, but we've got enough evidence to prove that we tracked Veronica here after she went missing and that we found her tied up which means she wasn't here voluntarily.

I speak with the deputies and explain what we know. One of them picks up the stuff Logan took off of Chris and looks at the packet with some powder in it. He puts it in an evidence bag for testing. The paramedics come in to check Chris and say he's exhibiting signs of shock and dehydration. They take him along with a police escort for further questioning after he gets treated.

I step outside to find Veronica fighting with Wallace who's trying to get her checked out by the paramedics as well. When she sees Logan, she goes rigid and moves behind Wallace. I look over and see the look of pain on his face as he realizes she's only acting this way towards him. I put a hand on his arm to provide what comfort I can but I really can't explain her reactions.

I walk to her and ask her what she remembers. "I was at the 09er and then I was here. That's all I remember." she says still shaking. I convince her to let the paramedics take her to the hospital and ask Wallace to ride along with her. The police can wait to take her statement until she's a little less upset.

Logan and I head to the car to follow and find a hotel for the night. Once we know she's okay, we both could use some sleep. Logan slips into the passenger seat and bangs his head back against the seat rest.

"What's going on Keith? Why won't she let me near her? She's acting like she's scared of me?" Logan looks at me with tears in his eyes as he asks.

"I don't know. When I was in the room with her, she wasn't really making a lot of sense. She asked that you be kept away from her, that you'd hurt her. I asked her if she knew who you were and she did."

Flashback

Veronica is shaking in my arms. I pull back gently to look in her face and she smiles slightly.

"Daddy, I knew you would save me. I was so scared." She whispers.

"We all came to save you. Honey, do you know who that was?" I ask.

"Of course, he's Logan fucking Echolls. You have to keep him away from me, don't let him hurt me anymore? I don't want him to hurt me." She starts off bitter and ends babbling.

"Veronica, Logan wouldn't hurt you." I assure her.

"No, he would. He has, he will again. I have to stay away from him. He's going to hurt me if I don't stay away from him." She says, but her conviction seems to be waning. She seems confused by what she's saying almost as if it's a script someone gave her, but she doesn't believe the lines.

"Okay, I'll keep him away for now, but honey, he's going to want to see you. He loves you."

"He'll hurt me if I don't stay away." I'm starting to wonder if the "he" she's referencing is Logan or someone else. I try to ask her but she keeps repeating the same thing over and over.

End Flashback

As I relay what she's said, he pales and tears fill his eyes.

"I wouldn't hurt her, I would never hurt her." He chokes out clearly devastated at the thought that she thinks that he would.

"We know that but something isn't right here Logan. She wasn't acting like herself. And why would Chris be at the Kane's house? What does he have to do with all of this? Where is Duncan?" I try to work through the facts.

"I think I might be able to answer one of those questions." Mac says through the earpiece. I can see Logan hears her as well, sitting up straighter.

"Duncan is currently at the Napa house with his mother and his girlfriend, Amy. I've spoken to him and he has no idea what's going on. He says he hasn't seen Veronica since high school. He's worried though and is on his way to Neptune. He'll be here in the morning." Mac continues.

This makes absolutely no sense. If Duncan was miles away, he couldn't have done it, but then why was she at one of the families properties? Was someone trying to pin it on him? My gut tells me that Chris is not the stalker though I would bet money he is the one who took her from the club in Neptune. But what made him do it, was he blackmailed, bribed? And if so by whom?

Logan is sitting digesting all the information and finally says "Who is Chris?"

There's really no point in keeping anything from him. It will all come out when we talk to the police. I know it's going to put him further on edge, but he's not naive enough to think there's been no one else in all these years. Still, it's a touchy subject given his feelings for her. He's never been a fan of Veronica with anyone other than him. I should probably be a little irritated by his possessive manner towards my daughter, but I understand that love is just not rational and given his willingness to do whatever it takes to make her happy and keep her safe, I can't really find it in me.

Before I can answer, Mac speaks up.

"Chris West, Stanford medical school, originally from Harrisburg PA, parents still live there, has one younger sister who is currently attending Penn State. Attended Stanford for pre-med studies and is currently in his second year of med school." Mac recites like she's reading a dossier on him.

Logan's jaw is tight and I can tell he's barely holding on. "I don't need his history, I need to know who he is to Veronica." He says tersely.

Mac sighs and says "he and Veronica dated for a year beginning in her junior year."

I can see Logan's mind running through this information. A year is a long time at their ages to be in a relationship. It speaks to a great depth of emotion.

"Did she.." he pauses, swallows audibly, "did they?"

I shake my head sadly. I can only speak to what I saw from the outside. Veronica didn't really speak about him beyond surface discussions. I have no idea if they were in love though I'm fairly certain the relationship went beyond platonic friends. She went home with him on some school breaks to meet his family and she introduced him to me. They weren't living together but when I met him, it was clear that this wasn't just a casual dating thing.

"They weren't in love." Mac says. "At least she didn't say it. I got the feeling that they were more friends with benefits. She liked him, but he wasn't special. When they split up, she wasn't upset."

Logan relaxes slightly, but I can tell he's still upset.

"If it wasn't anything special, why did he take her? Why is he here?" He asks, echoing the thoughts in all of our minds.

"I don't know. There's a lot of questions right now, but I don't have any answers. They weren't that serious from what I saw to warrant this kind of behavior. Nothing makes sense. Chris is a good person, does charity work, passionate about medicine. He's hoping to be a pediatrician, helping kids. He never struck me as the type to do something like this." I muse out loud.

"Appearances can be deceiving." Mac says.

I can tell both Mac and Logan are thinking about Cassidy; how he hid his darkness from everyone. He was the last suspect, but did an extensive amount of damage before he jumped off the roof of the Grande. Bad guys don't always come with signs. It would certainly make life easier if they did.

I shake my head "it still doesn't make sense. He really didn't know what was going on. My gut tells me he wasn't lying. There's something here that we're not seeing."

There are a lot of questions, but I'm not sure what the answers are. For now, I need to make sure Veronica is okay, make sure that Logan doesn't lose it and try to figure out if the danger is over. Something tells me that this is just the beginning and there will be a lot more before we solve this case.

Kidnapper

The seeds have been planted, now I just have to wait and see how it grows. I wish I could have been there to see how she reacted to seeing him. The effects will only last so long, but a few more times and it should become irreversible.

I can be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. It's going to take time for her to see that she belongs with me, that I'm the only one for her. After all true love stories never die and our love is going to be epic, a tale for the centuries.


	11. Overcoming fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Not a really long chapter. The next one is much longer. Please keep the reviews coming.
> 
> And really, you thought I would make it that easy? We're far from done and I have a lot more in store for our favorite LoVe couple. Just be glad I'm not planning on doing like RT and killing off the most interesting and beloved character, IMO, on the show. I just have to toy with them and you a bit longer. Enjoy.

Veronica

Everything is fuzzy right now. The last thing I remember is being at the 09er with Mac, Wallace, Dick, and Logan. I remember going outside to calm down and Logan following me. I remember kissing him and the look on his face before he ran back inside. After that, it was like I was asleep until Logan woke me. I feel like there was something in between but it's like a dream you can't remember once you wake up, just a lingering feeling.

That lingering feeling is what I can't shake. When I opened my eyes and saw his face, a wave of terror washed over me. Images flashed in my head, Aaron attacking me and putting me in a refrigerator to burn alive, Cassidy blowing up the plane I thought my father was on. My worst nightmares, but everyone has Logan's face instead of others as the villain. It doesn't make sense. Intellectually I know that Logan didn't do any of those things to me, in fact he saved me from Cassidy. Yet everything is mixed up in my head and I keep thinking that he's going to hurt me. I don't know where its all coming from.

My dad made me go to the hospital to get checked out though physically I'm fine. I'm a little tired and more than a bit hungry. With my metabolism, I have to eat every few hours or I burn up all my energy. I don't know how long I've been missing, but from the way my body feels I'd guess I haven't eaten in at least 15 hours now. Which is what I'm attributing my continued shaking on.

At the hospital, they take my vitals, draw some blood, and hook me up to an IV to replenish my fluids. Wallace stays with me the entire time and I'm grateful for his presence. I've been through a lot in my life but the lack of memories is bringing up memories I'd rather not remember. The police come to take a statement from me, but I can't really add anything. All I know is that I woke up in a strange place and my ex-boyfriend was there.

Finally my dad joins me after taking care of meeting with the police and trying to get more information out of Chris. I don't understand why Chris is here or what he has to do with all of this. I'm trying to think of anything other than Logan who I know is somewhere nearby. Instead of the feelings of safety I usually associate with that knowledge, I find myself repeating the same mantra in my head again and again. "I have to stay away from him, he's going to hurt me if I don't."

My takes in my pale face and takes one of my hands in his. He knows I've already told the police everything I can remember but I know he's dying to ask me himself. He's trying to gauge if it would help or hinder me at this point. I put on a brave face and try for our normal bantering relationship.

"Nice to know that your skills haven't dulled with age." I say with a small smile. Unfortunately he's not in the mood to indulge me and pretend like everything is okay.

"Veronica, do you have any idea why Chris would be involved in this? I thought you two had parted amicably." He asks me gently.

I shake my head. It's what I've been wondering as well. I have seen Chris, off and on, since we broke up a few years ago and it's always been civil. We didn't have a strong friendship to fall back on when we decided to end our romantic relationship, so we moved more into acquaintance territory, saying hi when our paths crossed, which wasn't often.

"I really don't know. While we were together for a year, neither of us had any delusions that it was a life time relationship. We wanted different things, but for the time, it was nice to have someone to share things with." I tell my dad.

Before he can say anything else, the doctor comes in and starts talking about my test results. I'm partially listening because I can feel that Logan is getting closer. I'm trying to keep my panic from rising at the thought that he might come into the room. I can't make sense of why I feel this way. Just last night I was wrapped around him like he was a lifeline. I wanted to figure this out between us, but now, I can't even be in the same room as him without the fear choking me. Something the doctor says grabs my attention.

"What was that?" I ask tensely.

"We found traces of the drug scopolamine in yours and Chris West's blood tests. Its fairly standard to run a narcotics panel in cases such as these." He answers, giving me a disapproving look like I had drugged myself.

'Fuck, I've been drugged again.' I think bitterly.

"What's scopolamine?" My dad asks.

"It's not a common drug and one we don't see normally outside of research into Alzehiemers. It's more prevalent in South America. It's used to perpetuate a lot of theft crimes down there. The drug when administered puts a person into a sort of suggestive state that allows someone to guide them where they want. There's lots of conjecture around it, but I only know about it from research papers."

"Are you kidding me?" I scoff "I was given some brainwashing drug?" I remember reading about when I was researching a paper for one of my criminology papers. Apparently, people use this drug to make people do what they want, like empty their bank accounts. The victim doesn't remember anything afterwards, just wakes up to the aftermath. Supposedly its been used by the CIA in experiments in the 50's that were quite controversial, but all of that is hearsay.

"I wouldn't call it that, but yes it would appear that both you and Mr. West ingested the drug sometime in the past 24 hours. It would explain why you have no memory of recent events."

"Could it account for.." I start but I don't know how to finish that thought. How do I explain the strangeness of my thoughts when it comes to Logan? My dad squeezes my hand and I look at him, blinking back tears. Despite my fear, I know that I love Logan. I just don't know how to reconcile that with the horror scenes I see when he is in front of me. My heart says one thing, but my head is somewhere else. I thought I was over that, put all those ghosts to rest and was finally ready to see where we fit in each other's lives now. These ghosts though aren't his crimes, it's like my memories were tampered with.

"I think what Veronica is trying to ask is would this drug result in confused thoughts? Is it possible that suggestions made while in this suggestive state flow over after the drug wears off?" My dad asks.

"I honestly don't know. There's no research on it. I can tell you that there's no evidence that the drug is addictive or leaves long term negative health impacts." the Dr. answers.

My dad continues asking questions about the drug and when I can be released, but I'm thinking about where I go from here. How can this be fixed? Also is this over? What was the point of giving me the drug? Given the thoughts in my head I think it's fair to say that someone wants to keep Logan and I apart.

I can't figure out the benefit from that or who would go to all this trouble to do this to me, to us. There's so much missing from all of this. Since Chris was given the drug as well, I don't think he's behind all of this, but why is he involved? I can't think of anyone who I know who would want something like this. There's been a lot of people over the years who definitely weren't happy with Logan's and my relationship, but would any of them go to these extremes?

My breathing is getting shallow as I try to think through all of this and my heart rate is spiking. The doctor stops his conversation with my dad and checks on me.

"I'm going to give you something to calm you down. I understand that this is hard to take in. I'll have our on staff psychologist stop in so you can talk."

I shake my head. "No more drugs." I whisper. I know I need to calm down, but the idea of being drugged yet again, even if my dad is there to protect me is too much for me to handle right now.

"If you promise to rest, keep your heart rate down, I'll forgo any sedatives for now, but if it gets worse, I'll have no choice." the doctor acedes, understanding my fear.

I feel so violated. Even though there's no evidence that I was physically assaulted, I still feel like I did after my rape all those years ago. I've learned since then and while my first instinct is to push this all down and pretend like I"m okay, I don't want to make the same mistakes so I agree to speak to the psychologist.

Wallace had left the room going in search of some edible food when my dad joined me and he returns now.

Holding out a sandwich to me, he says quietly "Logan is outside. He didn't know if you would be okay with him coming in."

My first thought is I have to stay away from him, but I refuse to give in to the fear. I nod unwilling to trust my voice at this point. I can do this, it's Logan, he won't hurt me. Images flash in my head again, Logan hitting me, trying to burn me alive. I shake my head, no that's not what happened. Logan didn't do that, it was Aaron, not Logan, Aaron.

Logan walks in slowly. I look everywhere but him. My heart rate starts to speed up again as he gets closer to me. My dad reaches for my hand, trying to transfer his calm to me.

"You're okay, honey." I hear him murmur. I take a deep breath and look up at Logan. He's stopped a few feet away from the bed, his hands in his pockets. He's looking at me like I'm the best thing he's ever seen. He never did try to hide his feelings from me, letting everything shine through those velvet brown eyes. I can tell it's taking a lot for him to not move closer, to put my needs first. That's the real Logan, not the images in my head.

Despite the fear that is still beating in my head, I pull my hand from my dad's and reach out to him. Unsure still, he moves to my side and takes my hand. When our skin touches, my heart rate slows down, the fear is drowned out by everything else I feel for Logan. He won't hurt me, I can feel that to my very soul.

"Hey." I whisper.

Logan

The drive to the hospital seems to take forever. When Keith told me what she had said, I thought I was going to be sick. Veronica and I have had our issues in the past, but I never thought she would be afraid of me. She looked at me like I was Aaron, a monster capable of unspeakable acts. I am not Aaron, have done everything I can to ensure I am nothing like him.

Years ago, when we were together in college and we were having one of our rare good phases, we talked about the future and I shared with her my fears that I was like him.

Flashback

Veronica is lying in my arms, trailing her fingers up and down my chest. If she keeps doing that I'm going to have to initiate a repeat of the bout of lovemaking we've just finished. I smile thinking of her face just a few minutes ago when she came in my arms, crying my name over and over again like I was the only thing anchoring her to this world. I'm completely at peace as I only am after sex with her. No one else brings this out in me. When I'm lying with her like this, everything else melts away and I feel closer to her than I've ever felt to another person.

"What are you smiling about?" She asks, still running her fingers over my chest, but looking up at me now. She moves one hand to touch my lips. I kiss her fingers gently. This side of our relationship is new and I'm constantly in awe of how she makes me feel. I've had sex, lots of sex, but this is something entirely different. I know she's expecting some ego driven response but I'm feeling torn open and my normal filters are completely down. I want to share everything with this woman.

"You, how you feel in my arms, how much I am amazed that you're here with me." I say still kissing her fingertips. She smiles but doesn't say anything.

"I love you Veronica. Its not the sex, thought that is fucking amazing, its all of you. I want to be with you always." I'm rarely this open with her and I know she's skittish when it comes to sharing emotions, preferring to let her actions speak. She still hasn't told me that she loves me, not in so many words, but the way she looks at me, I feel loved in this moment.

She tries to deflect with our normal sarcasm, but she's still smiling. "I bet you say that to every girl who does what I just did to you."

I shake my head, "only you. There's only you, no one else exists for me outside of you." I take a deep breath. I want her to understand, but I'm scared that what I say next will send her running from me. "I want a life with you, I want everything, you in a white dress, your father walking you down the aisle, kids, everything."

I brace myself for the inevitable panic these kinds of conversations usually garner, but she doesn't move away from me. Instead she leans up and kisses my lips softly pulling back before I can deepen the kiss.

"I want that too, with you." She whispers. My heart skips a beat. I move to kiss her again, but she pulls back slightly. "I want a life, but I'm not sure about marriage or kids. I don't want to be my mother."

"You won't be, you're nothing like her." I tell her quickly, but her words have shaken loose some of my own fears. What if I'm like Aaron? What if we have a kid and I hurt them like Aaron hurt me?

In tune to my thoughts, she grabs my chin, forcing me to look into her eyes. "You're not like him either. You could never do what he did. I'm scared and with good reason, but I think when the time comes, we'll know what the right answer is."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding at her words. It means the world to me that she doesn't see any of him in me. Still, I am scared that there is, I see it in my temper, what if I just haven't had the right stimulus to push me that way? I kiss her forehead and whisper against her skin "promise me something."

"Anything." Her voice matching mine, whispering like the words are too important to be spoken at a normal volume.

"If I ever seem like him, you'll leave. If we have kids, you'll take them and run. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you."

"That's an easy promise to make because it will never be one I have to fulfill. You are not Aaron, but for your peace of mind, I will promise to leave if you ever seem like you're becoming him."

I sigh and pull her closer to me. She starts trailing kisses along my jaw and my neck, her hands begin their path down my chest again, stopping to swirl around my nipples. I can't help the moan her touch elicits. I've learned so much about my own body since we started having sex, eroginous zones that drive me absolutely wild. I've always been in control, the one to find those spots on others, but with Veronica, she seems to keep discovering them. I don't even know how it's possible, but no one else has been as thorough in their attention to what I like. Most just went for the main event or were content to let me take the lead.

Her teeth nip at my clavicle and my entire body jerks like it's been shocked. The little minx knows what she's doing to me. We've obviously gone past her threshold for sharing of emotions. Another nip, and my eyes roll back in my head. There's more I want to say, to discuss with her, but my brain is fading fast under her ministrations. We have time to talk, right now, I want to drown in the moment. When her hand wraps around my hardening cock, all thoughts of discussions are gone.

End flashback

I was wrong, there wasn't more time. We broke up for good shortly after that night.

Now, it seems like we'll never get that chance. Not as long as she's looking at me with that fear. I want to cry, but I focus everything on Keith's words. There's more to this than we know.

When we get to the hospital, Keith has me wait in the waiting room, unsure what Veronica's reaction to me will be. I don't want to upset her anymore than she already has been but it's killing me to be so close to her and not able to see her. I spend my time pacing until Wallace comes out. I practically pounce on him, starved for news of her.

"How is she?" I ask.

"She's okay, a little dehydrated, exhausted, but otherwise fine." Wallace assures me.

"Did she say anything about me?" I'm scared to hear his answer. I don't know which would be worse, if she mentioned me and was still afraid, or she doesn't mention me at all.

"She's pretty shaken. She hasn't been saying much. The police came by to take her statement but she doesn't remember anything since she was at the club outside with you." He answers, avoiding my real question. He puts his hand on my arm, trying to comfort me.

I'm going out of my mind. Why do these things keep happening to us? Its always one step forward and twenty steps back. Maybe we're cursed, maybe we do need to just stay away from one another. I love her so much and I want to be with her, but not if it only causes pain.

My entire body rejects the idea of walking away from her. We're so close, I've done so much to be the type of man she can love. Whatever is going on, I'm going to stay, even if it means keeping a distance for now, I won't let anything happen to her.

Wallace mentions going to get her something to eat and I tag along just to keep my mind off everything. We pick out a sandwich for her and I pick up some of her favorite candy. As we head up to the room, I ask Wallace what he knows of this Chris guy.

"Not much. I met him once or twice, but he wasn't anything special really. Nice enough guy, smart obviously since he's going to be a doctor. Veronica didn't really talk about him much, it was more things like I went to the museum and Chris went with me. When they broke up, she said it was a mutual thing and they didn't see the relationship surviving their busy schedules." He's not normally the type for what he calls "girl talk" despite his best friend being a girl, but he can tell that I need to focus on something other than my crazy thoughts right now.

"So they weren't serious?" I ask.

"Nah, he was just kind of there. She never loved him or anything. I got the impression that it was mostly companionship, someone to hang out with who didn't ask much of her, giving her the space she needed to focus on her studies. It was nothing like how she was with you." He answers.

How was she with me? All these years, we've all avoided discussing her. Keith and I talked about her occasionally, but nothing present tense or his perceptions of her feelings. It was all more about how I felt and how I dealt with things. Now it seems like everyone is ready to break the cone of silence and tell me things I've wanted to know for years.

Given how emotional I am right now, I'm not sure if I can handle knowing these things, especially if it can't be anything more. If she truly is afraid of me now, I can't even finish that thought.

I follow Wallace and stand a few feet down from her door. I can feel that awareness of her, stronger for how close she is. I look at Wallace and he can see the unspoken question in my eyes.

He nods, claps his hand on my shoulder, "I'll see if she's up for it."

I wait, trying to calm my nervous energy. I hear Wallace ask if I can come in, but there's no answer. My heart is beating so loudly. I don't know what to do if she says no. After a million years, it seems, Wallace sticks his head outside the door and nods at me.

I walk slowly into the room, my attention solely on her. She looks pale laying in the hospital bed but otherwise unharmed. She's not looking at me and I can tell she's breathing hard. She has that panicked air even when Keith takes her hand and murmurs in her ear. I stop a few feet away, unsure, hands in my pockets, waiting.

Finally, she stops looking wildly around the room and those beautiful blue eyes focus on my face. I stop breathing, I want to run to her, pull her in my arms and never let go. Suddenly she reaches out a hand to me. My body moves forward, but I can still see the echoes of that fear in her eyes. I reach out and take her proffered hand.

Her eyes clear and I let out the breath I'm holding as soon as our skin touches.

"Hey" she whispers.

"Hey" I whisper back.

I'm home.


	12. Where do we go from here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Sorry for the delay. I was out of town and then hit a bit of writer's block. I still know the main highlights of where I want this story to go, but I'm struggling getting the chapters to work. Hopefully you like the latest installment. Please review and let me know your thoughts.
> 
> Bonus points if anyone can tell me where the chapter title comes from.

Two days later

Logan

I would love to say that it was all happily ever after. That as soon as we touched, we were back together and she'd agreed to marry me and we were already planning how to mesh our lives together. That we didn't have to have any difficult conversations and that fear that crossed her eyes was just gone. I would really love to say that everyone else faded away and I've spent the past two days buried in the love of my life, reacquainting myself with her curves, her gasps, mewls, and smiles. But my life is not a fairy tale and I've never been accused of being the fairy prince.

That moment in the hospital was definitely in the top five moments of my life. Seeing her look at me that way again, with trust and love, it was everything. I felt such peace in that moment, like everything was finally coming together. But moments like that are just that, a moment in time. Real life is hard and is made up of more than just the perfect moments. It's how you handle everything in between that builds a relationship.

I stayed by her side in the hospital and on our way back to Neptune. For now, she's allowing my hovering, letting me take care of her, but I know it's only a matter of time until she starts to chafe at it. That's the way we are, eventually our passionate natures will result in some fight. I'm almost looking forward to it because right now, the way we are together, it's not us. We're tiptoeing around one another. We've been mainly surrounded by others, so there hasn't been a lot of time for us to really talk beyond the case.

I'm trying not to treat her like she's made of glass cause there is nothing that Veronica hates more than when she's treated as if she's weak, but it's hard. I want to hold her, but I'm still worried. Keith filled me in on the drug they found in her and that guy Chris' system. I googled it while she was sleeping. The thought that someone could have drugged her, made her do anything and she would have no memory is one of my worst nightmares. All the tests say there were no signs of assault, sexual or otherwise, and I'm holding onto that as much as I can.

Still, I know this is something she's not just going to be okay with, even if she is trying to seem like she's fine. She still gets a little fear in her eyes when I get too close to her. Once we have skin on skin contact, she settles down, but I'm wondering how long until the effects are completely gone.

Chris was released by the police. There's nothing to tie him to the kidnapping and he has no memory of what happened. Keith thinks that since he had the drug in his system too, whoever is behind this used it to get him to carry out the dirty work. Veronica didn't protest when they said they were going to release him, so I kept quiet. I can feel all the old anger rising in me and I know I should probably go talk to Jane before I revert to old behaviors, but I can't bring myself to leave her.

Added to my stress is the fact that Duncan Kane is in town. He's stopped by Keith's twice now trying to see her. I refused to leave her the first time he showed up and Keith sent him away telling him that Veronica was too tired to see anyone. The second, we were out picking up food and he left a note on the door. When I saw who it was from, I crumpled it up before Veronica could see it.

I know at some point, I'm going to have to tell her that he's back in town, but I'm afraid of her reaction. What if she's happy about his return, expecting us to all go back to being happy friends, her and him picking up where they left off? I still don't know what her feelings are for him now. Does she still love him? Will she be happy to have him back in his life? So many questions and I'm too afraid of the answers to ask. I know from Mac that he supposedly has a girlfriend that he's serious about, but we're talking about Veronica Mars. If anyone knows how impossible it is to walk away from her, it's me.

Finally, Veronica and I are going to have some time alone. Keith has to go into the office to finish up some work before Christmas. Mac, Dick, and Wallace have returned to their jobs as well. Since I'm on break from school, I don't have anywhere I need to be and I'm right where I want to be.

Keith and I have breakfast before he heads out to the office, Veronica still sleeping. After he's gone I put on a fresh pot of coffee and decide to take a quick shower before she wakes up. I am on edge, I don't want to push her, but I need to see where we're at. In the back of my mind, I know that we only have so much time to discuss things before we both have to go back to school. I know what I want, but I'm less sure about her. One amazing, volcanic kiss, doesn't mean that we're back together or that we could even make this work.

All of our conversations these past few days have either been about the case, or little bits of information about our current lives. She had asked me where I lived now and I want to believe that the look in her eyes was happiness when I told her that I was enrolled in the University of San Francisco. It didn't escape my notice how close my chosen school was to her. There were better programs on the east coast, but the thought of being close to her still was too tempting to me, even if I did think I was finally not in love with her. I guess my subconscious knew better than my conscious mind.

She's standing in the hallway when I walk out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel, looking adorably sleepy in unicorn pajama shorts and a navy blue tank, her hair sticking up still. She looks at me and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep my feelings in check. She doesn't say anything, just slips past me on her way to the bathroom. I'm fighting the urge to turn around and watch her walk away; I always did love her tight little ass, when I feel a small hand trail down my back. As soon as I turn around she's inside and the door is closing. The touch was so light, I could almost believe I imagined it, but my erection is leaving me no doubt that she really did touch me.

This is going to be a problem. My body is reacting like I'm a 13 year old boy looking at my first girl. Great, I think, now I'm going to be in pain and I still don't know if she's ready to talk about what there is between us. Realizing I'm still standing there, I walk quickly to the guest bedroom. Keith had moved a few years ago, buying a small three bedroom house and the guest room is mine when I stay over. If Veronica has noticed that I know this house as if it's my own, she hasn't mentioned it. None of our conversations have touched on how I'm still friends with her friends or how close her father and I are. Of course, that's part and parcel of the Veronica playbook. Ignore, avoid, and maybe it will go away on its own.

Once I'm dressed, I head back to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Just as I'm sitting down at the island, she comes out, looking a little more awake than she was before.

"Coffee?" She asks hopefully.

"Of course." I get up to get her a cup, preparing it how I know she likes it, a splash of cream and two sugars. It's how I take my coffee now too, though that's really for her since in the past she was prone to finishing hers and stealing mine.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, both of us just enjoying our coffee and being near one another. It's not uncomfortable, it's like the space between conversations, when you're just taking it all in. I shyly look at her and wait for her to say something.

"Where's my dad?" She finally says.

"He had to take care of some stuff so he could still take off for Christmas." I answer.

"So you're the sole babysitter today?" I knew she would eventually get irritated at us being around her constantly. I was just hoping for a little longer. Her voice doesn't sound like she's angry, but I am realizing I don't know this new Veronica. She's still sarcastic, still feisty, but she seems less guarded somehow, more open. It's just too ingrained in me to fear her reactions to me and now with the effects of the drugs still unknown, I'm wary.

"I'm not babysitting. I can go if you want." I tell her, hoping that she doesn't make me go. If she does, I'll just sit in my car outside the house all day to make sure she's okay.

"No, I don't want you to go. I'm just tired of everyone worrying about me." she says not looking up at me. She takes a deep breath as if to steel herself for what she's going to say next. "Logan, we should probably talk about…" She trails off, finally looking up at me. That hint of fear is there again and I reach across the island to take one of her hands in mine. She visibly relaxes at my touch and I wait for her to continue.

"I don't even know where to start. There's so much I want to say but then I get these thoughts running through my head. It's like a voice in my head, but the voice isn't mine. Does that make sense?" She is looking at me with such an open expression. Rarely has she shown so much to me.

"I want to understand. And I want to talk too. I'm not sure where to begin. I have a list." I stop when she starts to laugh. I glare at her, but her laughter is infectious and I begin to chuckle. She always teased me that I'm the girl in our relationship because I was willing to put myself out there and I guess I just proved her right yet again.

When she catches her breath, she says seriously "I have a list too."

"You do?" I'm completely floored. After everything I did to her, sleeping with Madison, lying to her, what could she possibly have to talk to me about, to clear the air about? Then I remember how she made me feel like I wasn't enough, that I was a constant disappointment. While I have put her on a pedestal she's far from perfect.

"I do. After I left, I realized what a mess I was that last year. I was completely out of control, bribing people, out for vengeance. There's so much about that year that I wish I could take back, but no more than the way I treated you. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me." She says looking down at our joined hands.

I lift her chin so she's looking in my eyes and tell her sincerely "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so much. There's so much I wish I could take back. When you left, I fell apart. I let all of my self destructive tendencies take over. I think I was trying to prove to myself that you were right to be disappointed in me, to leave me. It took a lot for me to be okay again, to be okay with myself. If you hadn't left, I might never have gotten the help I needed."

This isn't coming out how I want it to. I'm not saying I got better because she left, not in the way she might be taking it. I just need to lose the person I love most, to hit rock bottom to see what a mess everything was.

"Logan, I wasn't in a good place. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. You did dumb things, but we were so young and too much had happened." She pauses struggling to say the next thing. "I went to therapy. I couldn't sleep when I got to Stanford. Every time I tried, I saw you being hurt because I was so reckless. I was such a mess. Finally, it was either try talking to someone or lose everything I had worked for. So I went to therapy. It took me a long time to get past a lot of things that happened, to see how my way of handling it was just causing problems in other parts of my life. All you asked of me was to not take crazy chances, to trust you and let you love me. You didn't even ask me to love you back and I couldn't even give you anything. I wanted to, but I couldn't get through all of my issues and you, you sold yourself short. You didn't ask enough. You let me hurt you again and again because you loved me. Why didn't you ask for more?"

Now I'm the one struggling for words. "You're not the only one who was out of control. I spent my entire life being told that I was the bad guy. I didn't think I was worthy. You're you and I'm a fucked up guy who couldn't believe you could possibly love me. What reason did I give you for loving me? I was secretive, I held you at arms length. I drank too much, self-medicated with sex when we weren't together. And that doesn't even include what I did to you the year after Lilly died. When you left, I did things I'm not proud of." I pause to catch my breath. I don't want to tell her how bad it got for me, I don't want her to feel guilty, this was all my own doing.

"Logan, I don't care who you've slept with, I want to keep that part of our past in the past. All my insecurities, they weren't because you slept with Kendall, Hannah, or Parker. I know they didn't mean anything to you, that you've always been able to separate the physical from the emotional. For me, it was about not feeling like I could measure up, that you would get bored with me. At least that was a lot of it. The rest, I'm still trying to understand myself. Craig, my therapist, helped me to see that I tied all of that to the night I was raped. I rely on you to protect me and the one night you didn't, when it wasn't your responsibility, you left to have sex with someone. It all got twisted in my head."

"Veronica, I am not even going to claim to understand that. I hope you know how sorry I am for not being there for you that night, for making it okay to hurt you. I was young and angry and stupid. I would never have allowed anyone to hurt you like that if I had known."

"I know." she whispers. "I've always known. I just couldn't handle it. I made you the bad guy. It's what I needed at the time. I was afraid to let you close because I didn't want to lose you. Everyone I've loved has left me."

I can tell that she's drained. Talking about emotions is hard for her at the best of times and it physically drains her. I want to continue, but I think she needs a break first. Besides, if we continue down this path, I'm afraid my insecurities will come to the forefront. Does Duncan get included in those she loved that left? There's just one thing I want to clear up.

"You don't have anything to ignore in terms of who I've slept with these past years. I never slept with Hannah or Parker. In fact the last person I slept with was you." I look down shyly. I hear her chair scrape back and she comes around to stand next to me. Her hand reaches up and trails along my jaw. I look down at her, unsure.

"Really?" she asks and I nod. Then she leans up and kisses me. It's gentle at first. I am hesitant to deepen the kiss. Unsure of the effects of the drug, I don't know if something I do could trigger her fear. Her lips are soft against mine and my head is swirling with her scent. I feel light headed, my mind unsure. Soon enough my instincts take over. I put my hands on her waist and turned her to the island. I pick her up without breaking the kiss and place her on the island so she's level with me. Her legs fall apart and I step into the v of her legs, my arms wrapping around her back. Her hands are in the hair at the back of my neck, running her fingers through, nails softly scraping the way I love. I pull back slightly when air is an issue and look down into her dazed face.

"Well, we know that's still the same." She murmurs.

"Yes." I agree and kiss her again. I nip her bottom lip and she moans. My kisses trail down her neck, moving to the hollow on her neck and lightly suck. She pulls my hips closer and kisses my earlobe, trailing her tongue down the shell before biting the edge. Now I'm pulling her closer, pressing my hard cock into her warmth. My hands are roaming her back and I bring them around the front to touch her breasts. I'm drowning in her. I caress my thumbs across her nipples, hearing her breath catch, and then pull back slightly so I can lean down to kiss them through her tank top. Her hips are rocking against mine and I'm not going to last. I make a split decision, I can either pull away and at least enjoy seeing her come before I completely lose it or I can stay where I am and lose it before she's satisfied. There's really no decision for me, I live for seeing her come apart in my arms.

I pull away completely and she mewls in protest. "I'm not done" I pant, my breaths struggling to get free as I strive to maintain control for a little longer.

I pull her shirt over her head and kiss her breasts, paying special attention to her nipples. I take each one between my thumb and my forefinger, squeezing tightly and licking the tip where it extends past my fingers. I glance up at her face and her eyes are completely dilated with arousal.

"Logan." she cries as I pull each nipple again. I know I could make her come like this. I've done it before. Her entire body is responsive and once upon a time I was blessed to spend hours figuring out how to make her come without even touching her clit. However, right now, I need to taste her, I need to feel her body contract around any part of me as she comes. The shorts she's wearing offer me little resistance as I slide my hands up her thighs. She's not wearing any panties. I pause for a second, catching my breath, trying desperately to hold on and see her reaction at the same time. When she doesn't pull back, I smooth my hands down to her knees, taking in her silky skin. I hook my thumbs in the waistband of her shorts and slide them back down her legs, leaving them to pool on the floor at our feet. I kneel down, gently spreading her knees wider.

She's wide open to me and I can only stare for long seconds. This is the most perfect pussy I've ever seen, glistening with arousal and pale pink. I run my nose up the center gently taking in her scent. If I died right now, I'd be happy. I lick my way back down, pausing to flick my tongue against her clit before sliding down into her folds. I'm rewarded by her hips bucking against my face and her hands tangling in my hair. I slowly lick up and down for a few seconds until she's writhing and gasping my name. I take a single finger and slip it in her, slowly, feeling her muscles contract around it. I have to pause to get myself under control. The feel of her contracting nearly made me come, shooting electricity straight to my groin. She growls at my delay, pulling my hair a little tighter. This is so not helping my control. I've always loved when she turned bobcat on me. She was hesitant about sex at first, but over time, she was a wildcat and my kitty loves to scratch.

I continue moving my finger in and out, while twirling my tongue around her clit. I add a second finger and hook my fingers, unerringly finding that spot that I found so many years ago. I rub hard while sucking her clit into my mouth. When I feel her start to tighten around my fingers, I bite down on her clit and she comes screaming my name.

I lean back on my heels, looking up at her face still working her with my fingers as she comes down. When she finally comes back to herself, she smiles at me and pulls me up for a kiss. Her hands are reaching for my jean's button, undoing it before I can stop her. I need to stop her before I...her hand slips under my boxers, wrapping around my cock and I know there's no stopping it now.

"Veronica, fuck, Veronica." I gasp, feeling my balls tighten and then I'm coming all over her hand. She gives me a little squeeze before pulling her hand out and reaching for a napkin. I'm shamefaced and looking down.

"Logan?" She calls my name as a question. I refuse to look at her. I'm so embarrassed. I couldn't even hold on long enough for her to fully unbutton my pants. She pulls my chin to make me look at her.

"Four years Veronica. Four fucking years." I say to her.

"Ummm, its probably for the best. That escalated quickly." She tells me, suddenly shy. "We should probably figure a few things out before we go further."

I know she's right, but my body is more than ready to continue. I just came but just looking at her, still naked on the counter, I'm already hard again. I swallow down my protests and nod. I can't forget that she's still trying to figure things out after the kidnapping. She might be taking it extremely well, but I know she's still upset.

She jumps down from the counter and tells me she's going to get showered and dressed. The sight of her walking naked back towards her room is driving me nuts. I'm already following her, unsure of where we go next when the doorbell rings. She looks over her shoulder at me and says, "answer that would you?"

I reluctantly turn away from her and open the front door, ready to tell whoever it is to go the hell away.

Duncan Kane is standing there. Fuck.

Veronica

My mind is a black hole of confusion, lust, regret, and fear as I walk back towards my room to get dressed. The past two days, Logan and I have been tiptoeing around one another, just sharing generalities when we're not discussing the case. Everyone has been hovering and today was the first time we've had any time alone. I shouldn't have kissed him, but something about his confession, it just spoke to me. Everything just escalated so quickly.

I should have known better. The night at the club was the same way. It's always like this with us, we go from nothing to everything in a span of 30 seconds. I really want this time to be different. I want to get to know him, not just jump into bed with him and pretend like all of our problems in the past are gone. It just felt so good. Even though he's been out of the game for over four years, he has not lost his touch. I guess I should be glad that his control is not what it used to be or I wouldn't be standing in my room, pulling clothes out of my dresser, wondering who's at the door right now.

I smile slightly thinking of how quickly he came. Hopefully, we'll have a chance to build back up that famed Echolls stamina. I shake my head, turning my thoughts away from that line of thinking. We have to take things slow. While I seem to be overcoming whatever strange thoughts I've been having the past few days when I see him, it's not completely gone. It's only when he touches me that the fear completely fades away and obviously us touching leads to other things that I don't think we're ready for.

I finish getting dressed, run a brush through my hair and head back out to the living room to see who is here. There's been no sound so perhaps, Logan sent the person away. When I walk into the living room, I see Logan still standing at the door, blocking the way of whoever is there.

"Logan?" I say questioningly. He turns to look at me, his face showing pain before he slips an indifferent mask over. He moves slightly from the door and I see Duncan Kane.

"Veronica" Duncan says my name pushing past Logan who still hasn't moved. When he's in front of me, he reaches out and pulls me into his arms. I stand there awkwardly, unsure how to handle this reunion. I had hoped to never see him again, to put the whole miserable experience behind me. Seeing him again, I'm conflicted. He raped me, but then I dated him and helped him escape with his daughter. I don't know how you tell someone who left thinking you loved him that you consider him your rapist now.

It really doesn't help that my memories are still jumbled, inconsistent images warring with the narrative I know to be true. Duncan slept with me at the party while I was unconscious, that is a fact. Yet the images in my head again put Logan's face over the perpetrator.

Finally, I step back from Duncan, glancing at Logan who silently watches from his spot by the door. I look up at Duncan and he's looking at me with such open love. Didn't Mac say he had a girlfriend now? And what happened to his daughter?

Still not sure what the protocol is here in this situation, I offer Duncan a seat. I hear Logan sigh and close the door. He walks to the kitchen, giving us a little privacy but staying close enough that I know he's nearby.

Duncan sits on the couch and pulls me down to sit next to him; holding onto my hand.

"I'm so glad you're okay. When Mac called me and told me what happened, I was terrified for you." He says sincerely.

"Duncan, what are you doing here? When did you get back? Where's Lily?" I ask.

He shrugs and gives me a small smile. "Always straight to the answers still I see."

"I am who I am." I tell him, still feeling unsure. The longer he's there, touching me, the stranger I feel. Those initial thoughts coming when I first woke up, coming to the forefront.

"I got back a few years ago." He tells me, looking unimaginably sad. "Lily passed away when we were living in Australia. Cancer" he says answering my unasked question.

"It was mercifully quick, but once she was gone, my parents were able to get the charges dropped. No baby, no crime, apparently." He says bitterly. "I came back, but I couldn't be in Neptune anymore. Too many bad memories. I was a mess for a long time. I stayed with my mom at the Napa house trying to figure stuff out. I thought about seeing you, but at the time it was just too hard. Everything you did to help me, putting yourself in danger, it just seemed like it was all for nothing with Lily gone. I couldn't face you."

"It wasn't your fault Duncan." I say, squeezing his hand to provide a little comfort. Our history is complicated, but I'd have to be a monster to not feel for a father grieving the loss of his little girl.

"No, I know that now, but it was hard for a long time. I'm sorry it took you being kidnapped for me to come back to see you. I've missed you so much. I'm in town for a few days before I go home for Christmas with my mom. Hopefully we can spend some time catching up." He says looking at me expectantly.

"Sure, I think I'd like that." I tell him. In the kitchen something crashes to the floor and I jump with a small shriek. Logan sticks his head around the corner.

"Sorry, it slipped out of my hands." He says looking only at me. I had almost forgotten he was here. When I see his face, all the fear comes rushing back and I start to tremble.

It's Logan, it's Logan, I keep repeating in my head. Duncan seeing my reaction puts an arm around my shoulder. Logan glares and comes closer. I flinch and Duncan whispers in my ear, "do you want me to make him leave?"

I'm overwhelmed, I start to nod, but Logan is in front of me and his hand touches mine. Almost immediately, I relax. I look at Duncan and tell him "I'm okay. Just a little jumpy still. Logan has been a big help these past few days."

Duncan nods, but glares at Logan like he's the interloper. Unable to take the tension between the two men, I get up.

"So, I have some stuff to take care of, so I should probably get moving." I say walking towards the door with Duncan following. Logan sits down on the couch, making it clear that he has no intention of leaving.

Duncan hugs me and asks me to have dinner with him that night to catch up. I agree and tell him I'll meet him at Luigi's at seven.

After he leaves, I stand looking at the closed door for a few seconds before turning around to look at Logan. He's sitting very still on the couch, staring at me intensely. It's so not like him, normally Logan is all nervous energy.

"I really do have some stuff I need to take care of today. I'm supposed to be meeting with the local DA to get some information for a paper I've been working on." I tell him, not ready to discuss Duncan or my agreement to have dinner. I know that discussing Duncan is on the list of things Logan and I need to hash out before we can move forward, but I'm not ready.

"I'll drive you." He says, still staring.

"No, that's okay. You've given up too much of your vacation as is. I'm sure you have friends you need to see; things to do." I tell him, remembering that his friends seem to mine these days. That's going to be awkward. And I still need to figure out what is going on between Logan and my dad. They seem to have a relationship that definitely wasn't there when he and I dated.

He looks like he wants to protest, but he just nods."Okay, I'll go."

He gets up to grab his stuff and I stay standing by the door, unsure what to say or do. I want to work things out with him, I do. I just don't know what to say or where to start. He comes back out of his room with a bag. He sets the bag down as he stands in front of me.

Reaching out, he pulls me to him, kissing the top of my head. "Veronica." He starts and pauses. I pull back to look at him.

"I'm sorry Logan. I want us to talk, to figure things out. I just need some time. Everything is just so crazy in my head right now and I need some time to think."

"I understand. You need to do whatever." He says echoing words I said to him a lifetime ago it seems. "Just, don't shut me out, please. I don't want to scare you and I know we need to go slow, actually do things right for a change, but I'm all in. I've built a life without you, but even only being with you a few days, I know I never want to not have you in my life again. Please." He ends with a plea, holding me closer.

I stare up at him and nod unable to tell him, even now, what he means to me.

"I know you have dinner with Duncan tonight." he says with a grimace, telling me clearly what he thinks of that. "but tomorrow, can I take you on a date?"

"I'd like that." I tell him with a small smile. A date, between two people with as much history as we have.

He leans down and kisses my forehead before releasing me. "I'll call you later to check on you and to set up a time." He says moving towards the door.

I watch him walk to his car in the driveway, keep watching until he pulls away. I close the door and lean against it. I feel like I'm back in high school stuck in a love triangle again. Yet this time I know which man I want. Why can't anything be easy for us? I sigh and go to get ready for my appointment.

Kidnapper

I underestimated the connection between those two. Clearly, it's going to take more than once for Veronica to understand that Logan is not the one for her. Perhaps I should give her a reminder of who he truly is.


	13. I need to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - I know Chapter 12 isn't a fan fave. I get it, I do. The chapter was a bit rushed and there were parts that got pushed off to a later chapter. I know people felt strongly that Veronica wasn't acting true to nature and that's true, but only because you can't see everything in my head as I'm writing this. In my head, she has a reason for why she reacted to Duncan the way she did which will come to light.
> 
> Hopefully, this chapter, another short one, makes up for the last. They both needed a little kick in the butt to not fall into old patterns. Please review and let me know your thoughts, even if they are negative. I don't know how long this story will be, but as I've said before its a LoVe story. Enjoy.

A few hours later

Veronica

My meeting with the local DA went pretty well and she even offered me an internship for the summer if I'm interested. I'm not sure I'll take her up on it since the DA up in San Francisco has already offered me a spot and while I miss my friends and my dad, I don't know if I want to return to Neptune in the future. Something to consider later, I have a bit of time before I have to make any decisions.

When I get back to the house, my dad is there, back from the office. He looks around me and is surprised to find me entering alone.

"Where's Logan?" Noticing my dress, he asks "Are you two going out tonight?"

"Umm, no. I sent my babysitter home. I'm sure he has other things to do than stand guard over me. Besides, we don't know that I'm still in danger. I had a meeting with Sue Koch at the DA's office; getting some information for a paper I'm working on." I tell him.

"So what are your plans for dinner tonight? Care to have some daddy/daughter time?" He asks, though it's clear something is distracting him. He's pulled out his phone and is texting someone furiously.

"Sorry, I'm supposed to meet Duncan for dinner. He stopped by earlier." I tell him.

"Duncan was here?" He looks sharply at me. "Was Logan still here too?"

Dad has been very clear what he thought of Duncan's actions in the past. I didn't think there was ever going to be a guy he hated more than Logan, but apparently raping his unconcious daughter definitely tipped the scales there.

I really don't want to get into this right now. My conversation with Logan this morning left me feeling exhausted and I'm already feeling conflicted about meeting with Duncan. Having to explain to anyone else my reasons for agreeing to this dinner, just makes me sad. I doubt anyone will understand. I'm not sure I understand. It won't change anything but this is a conversation I need to have. I have no desire to be in the same place as someone who violated me but I realized that he doesn't know how I feel about it. I did everything in the past to make him believe that it was all okay. I pretended that it was consensual even going as far as sleeping with him to erase that first encounter. I owe it to myself to finally say what I should have said a long time ago.

When I found out about Cassidy, he was gone before I could really wrap my head around what he did. I didn't get the chance to really confront him, not about that. Now with Duncan, I have the chance to confront what he did. I want him to know how he hurt me. There's something appealing about facing the monster and proving that it has no power over you. From the way he looked at me, hugged me, it's clear that he still doesn't see what he did. I need to set the record straight and I need to do it before I talk to Logan about it.

To my dad, I just shrug and say "yeah he stopped by before Logan left. He asked me to have dinner with him and I agreed."

"Veronica, we still don't know how he's involved in all of this. I still think it's too much of a coincidence that the house you were taken to was one of his. Add to that the fact that scopolamine is prevalent in South America and we have no idea where he was before he came back." He argues. "What did Logan say about all of this?"

"I didn't ask him. It's not his or your decision who I talk to. I'm an adult and capable of taking care of myself." I am getting angry now. I agree with everything he said and I'm not discounting that Duncan may be involved, but if he is, he's definitely gotten smarter over the years. Besides, this isn't about the case, this is about me getting the closure I need so I can really move on with my life, banishing him to the past where he can't hurt me ever again.

"Did you even consider how he might feel about you going out with Duncan? Or did you just dictate how it was going to be to him?" my dad snaps at me. Why is my dad so hung up on Logan? I didn't dictate anything. I told him I needed to go slow, we're going to be meeting tomorrow to discuss where we stand. I don't see how my meeting Duncan has anything to do with Logan. While I need to talk about Duncan with Logan, this is something that I have to do for myself.

I say as much to my dad who throws up his hands in exasperation with me. "Veronica, you are so smart, but sometimes, especially with Logan, you are just so oblivious. I was hoping that the two of you would finally be able to work through things, but it just seems like you're falling back into old patterns."

"I'm not. I need to meet with Duncan, it has nothing to do with Logan." I defend myself, crossing my arms over my chest.

He shakes his head at me and mutters under his breath. He sends one final text and then heads into the kitchen.

"Since when are you so worried about Logan's and my relationship? Don't think I haven't noticed how chummy you two are. I may have been preoccupied, but I know there's something you're keeping from me. Why does he know this house so well?" I ask, trying to steer the conversation away from my impending meeting with Duncan.

He avoids my eyes, ducking into the fridge to grab some water. I don't back down, this is a conversation we are going to have. I am already feeling off center and I don't like the idea that he's been keeping something from me.

"Dad." I say warning him to stop avoiding my question.

He looks at me for a long moment. "It's not my story to tell. I ran into him a few years ago and we started talking. He's become a very important person in my life and I care for him. I've seen him grow into a fine young man."

"I've noticed." I say thinking about how much calmer he seems, like he's not uncomfortable in his own skin. Earlier today he was open with me, trying to share who he is now. I'm still flabbergasted that he has been celibate all this time. The Logan I knew used sex as a way to deal, the same way he used alcohol.

"If you have, then why are you treating him this way?" my dad asks me.

"Treating him how? We've been talking, I told him that we need to go slow. I'm trying not to fall into old patterns. Every time we've been together before, it's always been because of some traumatic event, shared grief. I think we need to take the time to really get to know one another before we rush into anything. I'm not denying that I still have feelings for him. I'm not running away, I just don't want to go too fast and burn out like all the times before." I tell him.

"But you sent him away after making dinner plans with Duncan. Did you even think about how he might take that?" My dad persists.

"He knew I needed some time to think on my own. I know there are issues with Duncan and I plan to talk to him about it, but I can't handle both right now." I am questioning everything now. Did I consider Logan when I made the decision to meet with Duncan? I know he doesn't like him though I don't know if that is for the same reasons I want him out of my life forever. I always thought it was more a competition between the two, jealousy from when I chose Duncan in senior year. I know Logan saw it as me choosing Duncan over him, but it wasn't like that. He knows that, right?

"Veronica, you are an adult now. I won't tell you how to live your life, but if you really have feelings with Logan, then you need to take his feelings into consideration. For all his sarcasm and devil may care attitude, he's really very sensitive. I just don't want to see either of you get hurt." My dad says, giving me a hug.

"I don't want either of us to get hurt either. I really want to make this work with him. I don't feel whole without him. All this time, I've been going through the motions of living my life, but there's always been this Logan shaped hole. I just don't know if we can really overcome all the issues from our past. I did some really horrible things to him and I don't know if he can forgive me." I say, choking back tears. It's always been Logan for me, no one else makes me feel the way he does. Its not just the physical, thought that is fan-fucking-tastic, but he makes me laugh. I trust him and I'm not a person who trusts.

"You'll figure it out. Just be open with him. Don't assume he understands or knows what you're thinking. People aren't mind readers and if you want something you have to ask for it." My dad says echoing what Craig has told me a thousand times.

I nod and then head back to my room. I need to think.

Logan

When I left Veronica, I planned to spend all day sitting in my car watching her, but after following her to the DA's office and confirming that she really did have an appointment there. I figured it was safe for me to go meet Mac and Dick for lunch. Veronica was going to be a few hours and I didn't think she'd be in any danger with the DA.

Before I left the parking lot outside the DA's office, I texted Keith to let him know the change of plans and to tell him that Duncan had finally succeeded in seeing Veronica. He was understandably angry when I told him that she had agreed to have dinner with him. He asked me if I was okay. I really don't know how to answer that so I just said I was fine and we'd talk later.

I still can't believe Veronica. What the fuck is she thinking agreeing to meet with Duncan Kane of all people? I just want to punch him in his face, kick him until he bleeds. My anger is nearly overwhelming and on top of that is sadness. I thought she wanted to see where we stood. Why would she meet with him? Does she still love him? Is she going to choose him again? I'm not going down without a fight this time. There's no friendship left to salvage here and if he thinks he can take her from me again, I will kill him.

I sit in my car, my mind racing, trying to calm down. Finally, I break and start hitting my steering wheel, screaming "Fuck!" Anyone looking at me must think I'm a crazy person and maybe I am. I love her so much but I don't think we can be together if I still have to worry that I'm not her first choice. I'm not that kid who thought he was unworthy of love anymore. I deserve more, but I'm still unsure how to tell her that. My fear of pushing her away is still very much a part of me. Fuck, this is a mess and the morning started so well. I really thought we were getting somewhere.

When I get to the restaurant, Mac and Dick are already there, talking quietly and holding hands. I feel a pang looking at them, happy, secure in their relationship even though it was still so very new. I want that with Veronica. I don't want all this confusion and uncertainty.

"Dude, what happened, why is emo Logan back in the house?" Dick asks, looking at my face.

"Nothing. It's just been a day." I answer, not really wanting to get into right then.

"I would have thought when we all cleared out and left you and Ronnie alone, you'd still be going at it like bunnies. Seriously, the sexual tension from the two of you.." he trails off when Mac kicks him.

"I think what Dick meant, was that we had hoped you and Veronica might have made some progress on talking about where you both are now and how you fit into each other's lives." Mac says with a glare at Dick.

"Right, what Mac-ey said." Dick agrees.

"We probably would be, but Duncan showed up and I couldn't get him to leave before Veronica saw him." I tell them both.

"DK showed? What did Ronnie say?" Both Mac and Dick are interested. They both share my feelings towards my ex-best friend. What happened will probably come as a surprise.

"She invited him in, hugged him, talked and agreed to have dinner with him tonight." I spit out the words still furious that she told me to go after making a date with him. I know we agreed to have a date tomorrow as well, but somehow it's cheapened by her dinner tonight.

"She what? Please tell me you're joking." Dick yells, garnering a lot of attention from the other restaurant patrons. Mac kicks him again and gives him a look telling him to settle down. "Sorry, but why would she go out with him? He's a fucking asshole."

"Fuck if I know. They're going to catch up." I say using air quotes on the words 'catch up'.

"Logan, perhaps it's not what you think. Veronica doesn't have feelings for him, she loves you." Mac puts her hand on my arm to calm me down.

"Well, I wouldn't know. After she made her date, she told me to go; said she needed some time alone." I growl.

"And what did you say?" Mac asks.

"What do you think? I'm here aren't I?" I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Did you even try to tell her your concerns about her having dinner with Duncan?" She tries again. What is her point? No, I didn't say anything, I was more concerned about making sure that she still wanted to see me and I wasn't being summarily dismissed for good.

"What would have been the point? She had made up her mind, we would have just fought and then what?" I ask moresely.

"Stop being a pansy dude." Dick punches my arm. "Are you just going to go back to being her whipping boy, there when she wants?"

I look at Mac, expecting her to defend her friend, but she's nodding.

"Dick's right. Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that." She chuckles. "You are my friend and so is she, but you never stand up for yourself with her. I thought you were past all this self-loathing shit. You want her, she wants you whether she's said it or not. You, not Duncan. So tell her how you feel. Tell her you don't want her having dinner with him."

I look at Mac, turning her words over in my head. She did say she wanted to take it slow and that was after Duncan was there. Still not convinced, I mutter "If she wants me why is she going out with him?"

"I think I know, but I think she needs to tell you herself." Mac says evasively. "You will need to ask. Don't let her just tell you how it's going to be. You're a part of this equation too and your feelings matter."

"Yeah dude, lay it down for her." Dick says ducking a swipe from Mac with a smile. I laugh feeling a little better.

We change the subject, talking about how work is going for both of them, how my classes are going, mutual friends. I'm glad I met up with them. The whole time I'm thinking about how hard everything is between Veronica and I. NO matter how much we want to be together, we won't make it if we can't get past our old patterns. I desperately want to try again, but I need it to be different. I need for us to be equals, supporting one another. I need to know that she loves me.

After lunch, I just drive for a while. Keith said Veronica was already home safe, so I have no pressing engagements. We haven't seen or spoken to each other really in four years. Our last words were painful and a lot has happened to both of us since then. While I know that I'm in love with her, nothing I've learned these past few days tells me that she's changed fundamentally. She's still the strong, amazing woman I fell in love with at 17. But maybe its too soon for me to lay open my heart to her. She said she wanted to take things slow and I don't think she just meant not having sex for a while. We need to get to know one another again, not just fall back on who we were back then cause who we were was a train wreck.

We need to be better. We both have lists and we need to have those conversations if we want to have a chance of moving forward. I want her, but I'm not going to be her punching bag. I won't be the only one in love in this relationship. To start with, we need to talk about Duncan. I don't think I can survive the night, not knowing why she's meeting with him.

My driving has led me back to Keith's house. I sit outside for a minute, preparing for the fight that I know we're about to have.

Veronica

As I'm getting ready for my dinner with Duncan, I hear my dad talking to someone in the living room. Curious as to who is here now, I stick my head out of my room and see Logan talking quietly to my dad. His shoulders are hunched and he has that look to him like he's waiting to be kicked. It's a look I've seen way too many times, been the cause of more times than I can count.

After my talk with my dad earlier, I thought a lot about how I handled the situation with Duncan and Logan. I'm so used to Logan just getting me, knowing what I need without me even asking, that I take him for granted. My dad was right, I just dictated what was going to happen, didn't ask for his opinion. It was plain to see that he wasn't happy about it, but I didn't even consider trying to explain to him.

I walk out to the living room and Logan looks up, smiling shyly at me.

"I thought you'd be off catching up with friends, hitting a party by now." I say to him and he flinches. What did I say that caused that reaction?

"Yeah, that's not really my thing these days." he says. "I wanted to talk to you."

My dad excuses himself, leaving us alone. I take a seat on the couch and pat the seat next to me, letting him know I'm willing to talk. He sits down in the arm chair across from me.

"I have a little time before I need to meet Duncan. What did you want to talk about?" I ask. He flinches again like I've hit him.

"Duncan." He swallows. "I need to know how you feel about Duncan."

"Wow, starting off with the hard ones." I banter, trying to keep things light. That's a landmine if I've ever heard one.

"Veronica, I need this. I think I've made it clear that I still have feelings for you, that I want to try again. I have been clear, right? He pauses looking at me for confirmation. I nod.

"I need to know what you feel for Duncan." I stare at him,unsure how to begin. "Do you still love him? he rushes to ask.

He still thinks I might love him? Love a monster who violated me, who manipulated me, used me? He's right, we do need to talk. I've been thinking about this meeting as my catharsis, exercising the Duncan demon, but clearly to Logan this is a continuation of senior year and he doesn't know how I feel now

"No, I don't love him. I think that's probably the easiest thing to answer. I don't love Duncan, I don't think I ever really loved him. Before Lilly died, what we had was a puppy love, innocent, but not long lasting."

He sighs "then why are you meeting him tonight?"

"I don't know how to explain. This has nothing to do with you and me. There's some stuff I need to say to him, things I should have said a long time ago." I tell him.

He nods, but I can tell he's still worried, looking down at his fingers, trying to pull his sleeves over them. I reach over and take one of his hands, forcing him to look at me.

"Logan. Do you think what Duncan did at Shelley's party?" I pause. Even after all this time, I still struggle to talk about that night. I take a deep breath and continue rapidly "I mean, I know he was drugged, but do you think it was consensual?" I need to know, if he thinks it was, then there's no way he can understand why I have to confront Duncan.

He inhales sharply "No."

"Neither do I. It took me a long time to put everything together." I point at myself "Queen of denial. I pushed everything down so I didn't have to think about it. I wanted what he said to be true, I wanted to not feel so dirty and violated anymore. Senior year, going back to him, that wasn't about choosing him over you. It wasn't even about pretending I could go back to the way things were before it all happened. It was about denying the truth, overwriting what happened. I knew that when you and I got back together."

"You never said. I thought he was gone and I was still there." He says.

"I didn't want to admit it. Not to you and not to myself. So much of Duncan is tied up in Lilly and I wasn't ready to face the truth. I gave up so much to find out what happened to her. I loved her so much. I couldn't face the truth." I emphasize.

"The truth." he echoes looking thoughtful.

"I chose you, I will always choose you, Logan. I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I don't want you to worry that Duncan has any hold on me. I don't love him and tonight isn't about rekindling a friendship, romantic or otherwise." I tell him, looking him in the eyes so he can see the truth reflected there.

"I don't want you to go. He could be dangerous." He says, knowing that he can't stop me.

"I know and I'm going to be careful. I'm meeting him in a public place, driving myself. I'm going to tell him what I have to tell him and then leave." I pause knowing that what I say next will define how we interact in the future. I want to be honest with him, I want to share everything with him. It's just that this is something I have to do alone. Compromise, that's what's required. Logan worries about me, I have to find a compromise to show him that I am listening to him, that I care about his opinion. "I have to talk to him alone, but maybe you could drive me and wait outside for me? I think I would like it if you were nearby and I could be with you after."

His whole face lights up when he smiles. I haven't seen that smile in far too long. I love that smile, it makes him look younger, more innocent. I want to see that smile again and again. I know I said I want to take things slow, but I want to feel that smile against my lips. I lean forward and press my lip lightly to his. He is hesitant, but finally kisses me back slowly. I pull back all too soon, not wanting to go too fast.

"I love when you smile like that" I tell him, explaining why I kissed him.

"I love…" he pauses "that you make me smile like that." he finishes. I don't think that's what he was going to say, but I know we need time to figure things out. I'm hopeful that he still loves me. When the time is right, I will tell him. I'm not going to be afraid to say the words this time.

"So I take it you're amenable to my suggestion?" I ask.

"Yes. I still don't fully understand, but as long as I can be there for you and you're leaving with me, I'm willing to let you tell me in your own time." He says.

"Then I should probably finish getting ready. Do you want to come back with me and talk while I finish doing my hair?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." He smiles again, standing and reaching out for my hand. We walk back to my room and he sits down on my bed, staring at me in the mirror on the wall.

"So, what were you thinking for our date tomorrow?" I ask him.

"Can it be a surprise?" He asks.

"You know I don't like surprises." I remind him.

"True, but this will be worth it." He looks around the room, his eyes landing on the pictures on my dresser. One of them is of the four of us from homecoming.

"Veronica, you said your feelings for Duncan were tied up in Lilly." he starts, pausing looking unsure.

"Yeah, I think that's a conversation for another time. I may be more open than I was, or at least I'm trying to be, but I'm still me. I think two heavy conversations is all I can take tonight. Do you mind if we just talk about something else? I'll tell you eventually, I promise, but right now, just tell me about your year in habitat for humanity. I can't picture you doing manual labor." I say with a laugh.

"It was a really eye opening experience. I loved every minute of it. And I'm very handy, I'll have you know. Even led one of the teams while I was down there." He says with mock offense.

"Logan Echolls, handy. I think that means you have to turn in your 09er card." I joke with him.

"Well, I've learned a lot. Your dad helped with that. When he bought this house, there was a lot of work to be done and he refused to hire help even though I offered to pay." He chuckles at the memory.

"You helped him do the updates to the house?" I ask surprised. "Logan, you and he seem close. When I left, he barely tolerated you."

He knows what I'm asking. He looks around, avoiding my eyes again.

"I think you said two heavy conversations was your limit. It didn't happen overnight. Its a long story and I think we need to cover some other things before I get into that." He says looking a little scared of my reaction.

I turn from the mirror, look at him for a long second before saying "Okay. But we are coming back to this. I'm not complaining, it's just so unexpected. I can't help feeling like I'm missing something."

"I'll tell you everything, I promise. I don't want there to be secrets between us, not this time." He tells me sincerely.

As we head out for my meeting with Duncan, I can't help but stare at the man beside me. He's really a man now, but there's still so much I don't know. He's quickly becoming my favorite mystery, one I can't wait to solve. I feel more centered than I have in days. I really think we can make it work this time. We've been through so much, don't we deserve our happy ending?


	14. The confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - I know some of these chapters could be pulled into one or two, but I'm trying to balance with getting the updates out. This chapter is probably my shortest yet, but I hope you like it. It'll have to tide you over for a couple more days until I can sneak in time to write. Please review and let me know what you think.

Veronica

Logan and I arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early. He parks the car so he'll have a clear view of the front doors and I know he'll be watching the entire time to ensure I'm safe. He had lobbied on the car ride over to come into the restaurant and sit nearby but I told him that I needed him to not be there. He wasn't happy, but he agreed to my terms. We sit in the car for a few minutes, I don't want to go in early, soaking up the feeling of being with Logan which helps calm my nerves.

"Hey, it will be alright and I'll be right here when you're done." He takes my hand, smoothing his thumb over the back.

"I know. I just want it over with. I shouldn't be too long." I tell him.

It's time for me to go. I lean over and give him what's meant to be a quick kiss before I get out of the car, but the passion between us flares and before I know it, I'm pulling back panting, practically in his lap. His eyes are dark, pupils dilated in arousal. He skims his thumb over my lips.

"If you want to go slow, I think we might have to refrain from that. You have no idea what it's taking right now for me not to drag you back over here." He says as I pull back into my own seat fully. Still dazed from our kiss, I simply nod. I grab my bag and head into the restaurant.

Luigis has always been my favorite Italian place in Neptune, I don't know why I chose it since it's about to become the scene of a really awkward and painful discussion. I hope it doesn't ruin the food for me. I look around the dimly lit restaurant trying to spot Duncan. I see him sitting at a private table by the front windows. Before joining him, I pull out my phone to text Logan so he knows he can see me through the windows. I know that will make him feel better.

As I approach the table, Duncan stands up with a smile reaching out to hug me in greeting. I side step him, not wanting to make him think that this is something than what it is. I was too surprised earlier, overwhelmed by the resurgence of those fears about Logan, to push him away.

He frowns slightly, but recovers quickly pulling out my chair for me.

"You look lovely, as usual" He says leaning close to my ear.

"Thank you." I answer looking around the restaurant, anywhere but at him.

Once we're seated, he offers me a glass of wine from an open bottle already at the table. If I had any doubts that he still lives in a fantasy of who I am, this action proves them false. I haven't drank anything I haven't watched opened and poured by another person since that party so long ago. My mind immediately goes to Logan. He would never have offered me a drink from an open bottle. He understood that after what happened, I would be too scared to drink it for fear of being drugged, not that I would ever actually voice that fear. He just knew. Even when we weren't together in college and he threw that awful party for Parker, he made sure I had closed soda cans and water bottles at my beck and call. It was always the little things that he did that showed he knew me and paid attention to who I was, not who I had been.

I decline the wine and Duncan frowns. "I'm driving, I'd rather not drink." I tell him. I owe him no explanation on this. The waiter comes over and I ask for an unopened bottle of sparkling water. While we wait for my drink to be brought, Duncan looks at the menu and asks me what I'd like.

"I'm not really hungry." I say, nervous over what I need to say. I really don't want to prolong this ordeal. Logan is waiting for me outside and that brings me a measure of calm. I look behind Duncan through the glass to where he's waiting in his Range Rover.

"I'm really glad you agreed to come out tonight." Duncan says, pulling my attention back to him. He's smiling like this is a normal evening. He supposedly has a girlfriend, but he's definitely giving off vibes of wanting to rekindle our previous relationship. God, he's so stupid, I think, shocking myself by the rancor in my thoughts. My anger is building and I need to say what I came here to say before I lose my nerve. Despite all my therapy, this kind of confrontation is difficult for me. I feel like it shows my vulnerability, something I hate to admit to.

"Well, I thought we should talk." I pause and he reaches for one of my hands. Unlike when Logan touches me, my skin crawls and I feel nothing but revulsion at his touch. I pull my hand back and put it in my lap.

"I think we should too" He says, not even noticing the tell tale move. "I've wanted to talk to talk to you for so long. I've really missed you. I had hoped for a long time that you would find me, but when you didn't I guess I thought you had moved on. I was surprised to hear that you and Logan had tried again, though I wasn't surprised that it didn't work out."

Momentarily thrown, I ask "why weren't you surprised?"

"He's too dark for you. You are light, kindness, and innocence whereas he's just damaged." He answers as if it was a fact I should know.

"Duncan, I don't think you know him or me if that's what you think. I haven't been innocent for a very long time and Logan has more light and kindness in him than anyone I've ever known. " I quickly tell him.

"Well, innocent can mean many things. I mean obviously, I know that you are no longer a virgin, having shared that experience with you." He smiles at me. I'm fuming, he's smiling. The fucker still thinks it was a beautiful thing that happened between us only marred by the possibility that it was incest.

"Yes you were there, but I think we have very different memories of that night. I remember nothing except waking up without my underwear, feeling violated and dirty. I would not call it a beautiful experience." I say letting my anger into my words.

He looks taken aback. Well, fine, I'm here to tell him finally that he raped me. His version of the events don't change that fact and any thought he has of rekindling anything is ridiculous. I want nothing more than to never see him again.

"You raped me. You took something from me that was never yours to take. I regret ever going back to you, sleeping with you, letting you think that anything could ever be the same. You were special to me once, but you destroyed that with your lies and cowardice. You sit there disparaging Logan, calling him damaged and dark, but really you're the damaged one. It took me a long time to work through everything but I know now that I can't think of what you did to me as anything other than rape. I only came here tonight to tell you that you destroyed a part of me, killed all that innocence you so loved. In a way I should thank you because if not for that, I wouldn't be so in love with Logan. You made me into his perfect match."

Duncan stares at me, mouth wide open. "I didn't rape you. We shared our first time together. I know I shouldn't have left you but you know what I thought. I loved you, I would never have hurt you. And anyways, I wouldn't have done it if Logan hadn't drugged me too."

"You may have been drugged, but you knew what you did. You didn't consider my thoughts, or the turmoil I was in for months. I wanted to believe your story, wanted to make it so I wasn't raped. But all that got me was a rage that I couldn't control; that nearly destroyed my life. You have no idea what you cost me." I am struggling to keep my voice quiet so as to not attract attention.

"Veronica, please, what we had can't just be thrown away. True love stories never end." He whines.

"You're right, but you were never my true love. You were a weak, selfish, manipulative coward who used me and let everyone hurt me. You were never my true love. You were never even my love. I've loved one person ever and right now he's waiting for me. I said what I wanted to say and now all I have to say is that I never want to see you again. Don't ever call me, write me, nothing. As far as I'm concerned you no longer exist." I stand up and turn to leave the restaurant. His hand grabs my wrist and turns me back to him.

"You think it's that easy to just write me off? We belong together. It's always been you for me. I won't let you throw away what we have. I won't let him have you." He growls, showing a side to him that I've never seen. This isn't the docile Duncan I'm used to, the one who couldn't be bothered to stand up for the woman he supposedly loved.

All this time, I've been trying to put Sedona out of my head, push past the effects of that awful drug. Logan and my dad both warned me that he could still be involved, but I didn't think it possible since he was miles away. Looking at the rage on his face now, I'm not so sure. I can't prove anything now, but if it was him, I will make him pay.

I pull my wrist from his hand and leave, not looking back once. I just want to get to Logan, to safety.

Once outside I run to Logan's truck and pull open the passenger door expecting to see his smiling face, ready to offer me any comfort or support I might need. Instead no one is there. I look back towards the restaurant, thinking he must have seen Duncan grabbed me and he's gone to do what Logan does best, defend me from any who would dare harm me.

I see Duncan sitting at the table drinking a glass of wine in large gulps, but no Logan. The driver side door is open, though no light was on in the car. I look back to the car and see his keys in the ignition. I pull out my phone calling his number. His phone lights up in the center console. I'm getting scared now. He wouldn't leave and he wouldn't leave without his phone and his keys. I go around to the drivers side, but there's nothing there, no sign of struggle. Logan is 6 ft tall and is 180 pounds of pure muscle. He's not someone who just disappears.

I'm panicking now. I want Logan, I need Logan. My phone is still in my hand and I dial the second most important person in my life.

"Daddy" I say in a scared voice.

"Veronica, what's wrong? Did Duncan do something to you?" He asks, worry coloring his voice.

"Daddy, I can't find Logan. He's gone." I hang up, collapsing on the ground as the truth of what I've said hits me; sobbing.

Logan's gone. After a minute of giving in to my fears, I straighten up. Logan's gone. Someone took Logan. I am going to get him back and someone is going to pay.

Kidnapper

She is mine. I'm not going to let this pretty boy asshole take her from me. He couldn't just stay away, leave her alone. He couldn't let her be happy. He had to come back and infect her with his evil. I will make him pay. He thinks he can take what's mine, always so entitled, picture perfect Logan Echolls. He's never deserved her and he's proven it time and time again. I'm doing her a favor by taking him away from her. If she refuses to see the truth of who he is then I need to show her. He can't be allowed to take her away again. She will see, she's better off without him. She will see, she will see, she will see.


	15. Recurring nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Sorry for the delay. Thanks for all the reviews on chapter 14. This chapter moves us forward a lot, but it also rehashes a bit of the past. Updates may be slow since I have company for a while, but I'll try to get the next chapter up in a few days. Please continue to tell me what you think. Thanks.

Veronica

I'm waiting for my dad, my mind racing through a thousand possibilities. I wasn't in there with Duncan for long. I was so focused on my conversation with Duncan, I didn't really look outside the window to where he was supposed to be waiting in the car. I just took heart in knowing that he was sitting out there, waiting for me, ready to give me his unconditional love. I can't imagine a single scenario where he voluntarily leaves the car without his keys or his phone. Or where he leaves, knowing I'm with someone who might be a danger to me.

I'm sitting in the driver's seat when Logan walks up to me.

"Ready to go?" He says. My mouth drops, but he just looks at me like there's nothing out of the ordinary.

"Where were you?" I ask him.

"Oh, I thought I saw something, but it turned out to be nothing." He shrugs. Something is not right. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I was overreacting when I found him missing. I decide to just let it go and text my dad to let him know that Logan has shown up.

"So ready?" He asks again.

I nod. He looks at me, not saying anything.

"So" He says, really dragging it out. Suddenly it dawns on me that I'm sitting in the driver's seat. I smile and get out to get in the passenger seat.

He gets in and starts the truck, not even looking at me. I expected him to grill me about my conversation with Duncan, but instead he's silent.

"Ummm, I think it went well." I tell him, looking at his face as he drives. There's no expression there. "Are we going to your place to continue our discussion." I try to engage him again.

"I think I should take you home. It's been a long couple of days and I need to get some rest." He says, still not looking at me.

"Sure, we can talk during our date tomorrow." I say. It has been a long day and I can't say that I wasn't tired too. Still I thought we were going to spend some time together. Maybe he just needs to process things. I have to remind myself that I'm still getting to know this new Logan.

"Right, our date. Can you meet me at my condo at 10? I'll text you the address." He says, finally glancing over at me.

I smile "yeah, I can. Are you going to tell me what we're doing?"

"No, it's still a surprise."

We pull up to my dad's house and he turns to look at me. "I'll see you tomorrow." He says.

"I'm looking forward to it." I tell him. I lean towards him, thinking he'd hug me.

He leans away from me. "Good night."

I blink, trying to understand what's going on. Finally, I grab my bag and open the door to head inside.

"Good night Logan." I look back at him, but he's already focused on driving off. He gives me a slight wave, not even looking at me.

I close the door and he immediately drives away. I don't understand. The way Logan acted was very reminiscent of Logan during college. When we were together, he still was distant, not bringing me into his decisions or his thoughts. Instead of overreacting again I decide to let my concerns go. This day has been long enough without raising more issues from the past. He's probably just tired and needs to think through a few things.

I stand there looking after him for a few more seconds and then head inside. My dad is waiting for me.

"What happened?" He asks.

"I came out and the car was empty, Logan's phone and keys were still in the car, the driver's side still open. I must have overreacted. He said he thought he saw someone and followed, but it turned out to be nothing." I tell him.

He looks at me closely. "Okay, so how did things go with Duncan?" Finally, someone is asking me what I thought would be the first question I would get from Logan.

"As well as can be expected. He didn't take it well, but I think I got my point across. Hopefully that will be the last I ever see of Duncan Kane." I say emphatically. "It's been a long day and I'm really shattered, I think I'm going to head to bed. I told Logan I'd meet him at his condo tomorrow morning for our date."

My dad frowns, but when I ask him what's wrong, he just shakes his head and says nothing. I can feel the weight of the day catching up to me so I let it go, heading to get some much needed sleep.

The next morning I wake up with a start. My dreams last night were less than restful. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something and that fear I had of Logan when I first woke up a few days ago was there. It was almost like someone was whispering in my ear all night. Despite my feeling of unease, I force myself to shake it off and start getting ready for my date with Logan.

Today is going to be another emotional day, but I'm hopeful that at the end of it, Logan and I will be able to discuss what we want from one another. I would like us to give our romantic relationship another try, but I know it will be hard with us both being in school. Albeit it will be helpful that he's only about 45 minutes away rather than 5 hours. Still, trust was never my strong suit and I am still working on learning it. It will take a lot of work on both of our parts to make something work when we won't see each other every single day.

We were so much closer our freshman year of college and between my work and his partying, my trust issues were a major problem for us. I know he's been faithful every time we're together and I'm not that girl that has to be with her boyfriend 24/7, but I always worried that he would find someone better for him, someone more experienced that could give him what I couldn't in bed. And he didn't help the issues when he was constantly taking off for TJ with Dick, telling me like I was an afterthought or letting me find out from one of his friends. He was constantly surrounded by beautiful women and while we always had fun when we were together, I couldn't help but feel like I was just one more diversion he indulged in on occasion. Even him telling me how important I was to him or telling me that he loved me, didn't make that fear go away.

When he broke up with me that time in college, telling me that he didn't feel like he was needed, a part of me wanted to scream at him that he made me feel like I was just a booty call sometimes. He kept so many things from me, a lot of which I now understand was because he was worried about disappointing me. Still, it wasn't the best environment for a relationship to thrive. If we want this to work now, I need to feel like I'm part of his life, like we're partners, not just there when it's convenient for him.

Granted, I can't put all the blame for the dynamic of our relationship on him. I did keep him separate from everything and everyone in my life. I treated him like he was my dirty little secret which couldn't have been good for him with his self-loathing tendencies. I want us to have real intimacy, to share our hopes and dreams with each other. I want him to meet my friends at Stanford, to meet his friends. I want us to share holidays and everything that comes with being with someone.

To get there though, we're going to have to be completely honest with one another. We're going to have to power through some really difficult conversations. I'm going to have to resist the urge to run away when things get too intense. I'm sure we'll spend a good portion of our day arguing. Its part of who we are, we fight, but in the past we've always avoided fighting for each other. That needs to change. He needs to fight for me and I need to fight for him. No longer can we get mad and walk away, not if we really want a chance.

Reaffirming what I want with Logan, I prepare for the day. Since I have no idea what he has planned, I decide on light layers. I pull on a red tank top and throw a black top overtop, low cut enough that the red shows above the neckline. I put on my necklace, the one I now know was really from him. I pair this with a short jean skirt and a pair of sandals. I check myself out in the mirror, not bad. It doesn't look like I'm trying too hard, but there's enough hint of sexiness to keep a guy interested.

I double check my purse, lipstick, wallet, my taser, and some condoms. A girl's got to be prepared for anything though I am on the pill. Satisfied that I'm ready, I grab my keys and head out.

Logan had texted me the address early this morning, but nothing else. I shake off that odd feeling that something's not right yet again. I'm surprised the condo isn't in the 09 district, but when I see its proximity to the beach, I understand the appeal it must have had for him. Logan has always had a special affinity for the water and I really can't imagine him living so far from the ocean.

His condo is on the tenth floor, so I take the elevator up. I stand outside the door, steeling myself, for a few seconds before knocking. No one answers. I wait a few more seconds and knock again, harder this time. The door must not have been locked or closed properly because it swings in a little bit. I walk into his condo, calling out his name. Still no answer.

I stand in his living room, looking around wondering what to do next. I pull out my cell and call him. I hear his phone ring from down the hall, but he picks up.

"Hey, I'm here." I tell him.

"Oh, yeah, give me a few minutes. I'll be out." He says, sounding slightly breathless.

"Okay." I say as he hangs up. I think about sitting down on his couch to wait, but then I think about our conversation in my bedroom yesterday and decide to head back there. He probably was running late, after going surfing this morning. I remember hearing something about there being great waves due to some tropical storm off the coast of Hawaii. Knowing Logan, he'd want to take advantage of that.

As I head back, I hear voices whispering in his room. I pause outside the door, unsure of what to do. I listen closely trying to figure out if he's maybe on the phone and just finishing up a call. My feeling that something was off is growing stronger and despite my better judgement, I open the door.

Nothing would have prepared me for what I was seeing. Logan, standing in his boxers, his back to the door, whispering to a girl on his bed. A girl who clearly wasn't wearing anything other than the sheet wrapped around her. That alone would have been enough to make me run, but what kept me rooted in place, tears springing to my eyes was that this wasn't just any bleach blonde. This was the queen of all bitches, Madison Sinclair, the girl who ruined our relationship the last time.

I must have made a noise because Logan whips around and stares at me. Madison lays in the bed, smiling smugly. Logan at least looks embarrassed and there is fear in his eyes as he looks at me.

"Veronica." He starts to say but I cut him off.

"No, I don't want to hear it." I say, turning away from the scene that is all too familiar to me. I need to get out of here before the tears start to fall. All of my plans have turned to ash and I'm bombarded by memories of Kendall after alterna-prom and seeing Logan with Madison on an endless loop after learning about their hookup in Aspen. I wanted to believe things would be different now. I thought we were in the same place, but I guess I was wrong.

The only thing I can think to do is to pull on the mask I wore before that shows nothing of the devastation I feel. I take one last look at the scene and head towards the front door, berating myself for believing. Once again, he's managed to hurt me. He'll always hurt me.

My hand is on the doorknob when he catches up to me, still in just his boxers. He grabs my arm and turns me around.

"No, don't go, don't leave me again, please." He says, his voice rough with desperation.

"Let go Logan. There's nothing to say." I can't look at him.

"Please, it's not what you think." He tries again. My anger arrives in full force and I look up at his face. Vaguely I note the tears streaming down his face, but I'm too angry to think why he'd be crying.

"Really? Cause it looks like you're sleeping with Madison Sinclair and I just caught you. So not only did you lie to me yesterday, but you continued to sleep with the one person you know I hate more than anyone. I thought you had changed, but clearly I was a fool. When you said you hadn't slept with anyone, I thought you meant sex, but I guess you really meant actual sleeping. While that's sweet, it's definitely not enough to erase what I just saw. As if I didn't already have a thousand versions of you sleeping with her from before, now I have a real one to add to the mix, so thank you for that." I lash out and he physically recoils from my words.

"No, no, no, I wasn't lying. I really don't know why she's here. I woke up and she was here. I swear I haven't even seen her in years. I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. I wouldn't do that to you." He trails off, the 'again' unspoken.

"Do you think I'm that stupid, that I'd believe that line?" I yell at him. I'm so angry, I want to make him hurt like he hurt me. I slap him across the face, shocking both of us.

Madison has come out of the bedroom, throwing on just her bra and panties. "I don't know why you're surprised, why would he want trailer trash like you when he could have me?" She says, slipping an arm around his waist.

For his part, he looks physically ill, like really green. Suddenly, he claps a hand to his mouth, his eyes wild, and runs to the kitchen, throwing up in the sink. He sinks down to the floor after he has nothing left in him, his arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth. He looks so broken and some of my anger dissipates.

I walk to him, kneeling down in front of him. He refuses to look me in the eye.

"Logan," I call gently, trying to push his head up. "Look at me."

"I don't know what's happening." He says in a small voice, like a child. He looks at me finally, and I see the confusion and terror there. His breathing is getting very shallow and he's rocking faster now. I've never seen him like this. The Logan I know is always confident, sarcastic, doesn't apologize for anything. This Logan is sad and scared, very much like I imagine he was like when Aaron first started hurting him. This is a boy who doesn't know how to fix things and fears he'll be hurt again.

Madison walks up behind me and looks at him. She snorts with derision. "He's all yours. He's never been that good anyways. All the famed experience and he can't keep it up or even get it up. You've ruined him."

I turn to face her and Logan whimpers slightly, hyperventilating now and banging his head against a cupboard. I can confront her or take care of him, but not both. I spin back around and dismiss her with a simple "Fuck you Madison" and focus on Logan.

I try to get him to breath with me, but he's too far gone. Its like he's gone into some dark place in his head that only he can see and I can't reach him.

"Logan, please, Logan, stay with me. Please Logan, you need to breathe." Suddenly his eyes roll up in his head and he slumps over. I try to wake him, but he doesn't respond. Terrified that he's really hurt himself, I pull out my phone and dial 911.

"911, what's your emergency?" A calm voice asks me.

"My friend, I think he had some sort of episode and now he's unconscious."

"What's the address?" the voice asks.

I give her the address and tell them to hurry. I keep trying to wake him, calling his name again and again. Finally, after what feels like a million hours, the paramedics burst into the condo. I call out to them from where I'm still kneeling next to him.

They begin working on him, putting oxygen on him, checking his head for injuries after I tell them he was banging his head pretty hard. They put him on a stretcher and let me know which hospital he's being taken to. I want to go with him, but they say only family. I thought that was only for the actual hospital, but rather than argue, I follow behind in my car.

I don't know what happened, but this whole morning is just wrong. Why was Madison there, what did Logan mean that he didn't know what was going on. Once I arrive at Neptune General, I park my car and run into the emergency room, desperate for information on how he's doing. The nurse at the desk tells me that he's being seen by the doctors but that's all they can tell me since I'm not family. I think about lying and saying he's my fiance but the look on the nurse's face tells me that she'd see it as a lie.

I pace in the waiting room, anxious, alone. I just want him to be okay. I want us to be able to talk about what happened, figure this out. I'm still angry but seeing him like that, I can't help but think that there's something going on that I don't understand.

My dad comes into the emergency room and runs straight to the front desk, not even seeing me.

"Logan Echolls, he was brought in, how is he doing?" He asks, panicked.

"And you are?" Nurse bitchy asks.

"Keith Mars, I'm his emergency person." How is dad Logan's emergency person? I still need to get to the bottom of that whole relationship, I think, momentarily distracting myself from my fear over Logan.

Nurse Bitchy's demeanor changes when she hears his name. She tells him that he's with a doctor now and she'll have Logan's nurse come out to get him so he can get a status update from the doctor. Thanking her, my dad turns away to take a seat in the waiting room and finally sees me.

"Veronica, what happened?" He asks me.

"I don't know. I went over to his condo and he was there with Madison Sinclair. She was in his bed." I say, bitterness creeping into my voice. "Logan said he didn't know what was going on. He threw up and then he started hyperventilating and rocking back and forth, banging his head. Finally he just collapsed. I couldn't get him to wake so I called 911."

I finish focusing on the facts just like my dad taught me. I can't think too hard about Madison and the sight of her in Logan's bed, Logan not being dressed. However, its almost worse thinking about him when he was rocking and banging his head.

My dad looks pensive, but doesn't say anything. He just sits down in a chair and I collapse into the one next to him. Before I can ask him anything, a nurse comes out and calls his name. I walk over with him, but the nurse says only family are allowed back there. My dad says I'm his daughter and Logan's family. The nurse looks skeptical but she allows me to follow back.

Logan is lying in a bed, pale, but awake. His eyes still have that wild look in them and when he sees us, he shakes his head violently.

"Logan" my dad reaches out and takes his hand. "What happened?"

"I don't know, it was bad, the worst one." he whispers.

My dad nods, turning slightly to look at me. The doctor joins us before anyone has the chance to say anything else.

"Mr. Echolls, you're lucky you didn't do more harm to yourself." A pretty brunette doctor tells him with a sad smile. "Looking over your history, I see that this is not the first episode you've had so I don't need to tell you that panic attacks can have very serious side effects. This time, your entire system basically overloaded. Thankfully, you losing consciousness was not the result of the banging of your head, but due to lack of oxygen."

"How is lack of oxygen a good thing?" I ask.

"Well, when he passed out, his body was able to reset and begin breathing again. The stress though, kept him out longer than we'd like. I'm going to take some blood and run a few tests to make sure you didn't do any permanent damage to your heart. Unfortunately with your history, that is always going to be a concern." She answers, alluding to his history again. What has happened to him that they're this worried about a panic attack?

"What's concerning me more right now, though" she continues, "is the lack of memory you have until this morning. You said you woke up and you couldn't remember anything and that's what triggered the attack."

Logan nods. He doesn't remember?

"I woke up late, I was supposed to have a date with my..my Veronica. Someone else was there. Veronica got there and I tried to talk to her, but I was so confused and scared. She slapped me, the other person touched me and I couldn't think. I don't remember anything else."

"What's the last thing you remember before this morning?" the doctor patiently asks him, sensing that the conversation is stressing him out again. His heart rate is elevated.

"Driving Veronica to meet Duncan Kane at Luigis. We kissed before she went in. I was waiting for her." He answers, a confused frown on his face. He looks at me unsure of what to say.

"I finished with Duncan and came out to the car, but Logan wasn't there. He came back about 15 minutes later, said he thought he saw someone. He was distant the rest of the ride home. We had a date planned today and he asked me to meet him at his condo at 10. When I got there, the door wasn't closed all the way and I walked in looking for him." I fill in the gaps that I know from last night.

The doctor takes notes, but doesn't say anything. She says she needs to run some tests, but wants to keep Logan overnight for observation. He'll be moved up to another room shortly.

After she leaves, my dad, Logan and I are silent. Finally, unable to take the silence, my dad says, "So am I the only one thinking that this has something to do with Veronica's kidnapping?"

Logan and I both nod in agreement. Clearly someone is willing to go to any lengths to keep us apart. The question is who. While Duncan was still a prime suspect before today, his alibi was air tight since he was with me when Logan went missing, albeit for a short period of time. Still that was enough time to do something to him.

"I'm going to go ask the doctor to test you for drugs." Dad says.

Logan nods, still not up for speaking. My dad leaves and I move closer to Logan. He looks up at me with scared, tired eyes. I take his hand, not sure what to say. If he was drugged, that changes a lot, but if he wasn't, then how was I going to deal with him apparently sleeping with Madison?

"Please don't leave me again." He whispers.

"I'm not going anywhere." I try to comfort him. He squeezes my hand and lays his head back, closing his eyes. Within minutes he's asleep.

I really need to figure out what's going on and why. I will make them pay for what they've done to us. Any conversation Logan and I were going to have will have to wait until we remove this threat. I won't put him in harm's way, not ever again.


	16. The lost year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Quick update. I hope you enjoy. I still don't know how much longer this will be, but it feels like we're getting closer to the end. I'm not really controlling this, so we'll just see where the characters want to go. Please review, I love hearing your thoughts on how the story is going.

Logan

When I wake up this time, I'm in a hospital bed. This is seeming all too familiar. It's dark outside, but i'm not sure the exact time. I look over to my left and there's a small clock illuminated in red showing that it's 236 in the morning. I've been asleep for over 12 hours probably. It's not that unusual; usually after a panic attack I am drained and my body needs all the rest it can get. What is unusual is that I haven't had a panic attack in a long time and never one to that magnitude. I have a vague remembrance of it, though really it's almost like my mind goes on a temporary vacation. I can hear people talking, but I'm not really there. I remember both Veronica and Madison talking over me, but I don't remember what they said.

Oh, god, Madison. I really don't know what happened there. When I woke up this morning and she was laying there in my bed, naked, I freaked the fuck out. I couldn't tell if it was a nightmare, my mind replaying one of the worst mistakes of my life. I really don't remember much of that night in Aspen, just the aftermath. This morning, like then, I felt sick to my stomach. I knew back then that there was no way Veronica could ever know because being wasted wasn't going to be a good enough excuse for sleeping with the person she hates most. Suddenly I was back there again and my self-preservation instincts kicked in. I was so confused and Madison wasn't helping anything. She wouldn't tell me how she came to be there or what happened. I don't know what I was planning, but I wanted to avoid Veronica finding out. When she walked into the room, all I could think was 'not again, I can't lose her again'. When she ran to the door, I just wanted to stop her from leaving. I wanted a chance to explain.

But what would I have explained really when I didn't know what was going on myself? When she slapped me, I thought she was going to walk out and leave me forever, no more chances. I was already panicking at this point, confused and scared, the old voices clamoring in my head. Then everything went dark until I woke up in the hospital the first time, alone.

I try to remember anything from last night, before everything went blank, before Madison and the panic. The last thing I remember clearly is Veronica kissing me in the car, pulling her almost into my lap, wanting desperately to make her stay with me rather than going in to see Duncan. I remember her walking into the restaurant and getting her text of where she was sitting. Nothing else.

I must have driven her home and then gone home myself. Did I call Madison? Did I actually sleep with her? My heart rate shoots up at the thought, devastated that the first time I've had sex in years isn't with the love of my life, but with some scheming whore with a soul black as night. The machines I'm hooked up to start beeping and I see a shadow stand up from a chair in the corner I hadn't noticed before. Veronica walks to my side and takes my hand.

"Logan, you're okay, calm down." She smooths a hand over my forehead, her other hand intertwining our fingers.

I stare up at her and squeeze her hand tightly, reassuring myself that she's real. She keeps making shushing noises and my heart rate starts to slow. She's still here, she didn't leave me again. I haven't destroyed everything.

"Do you want some water?" She asks me when she sees I've calmed. I'm still not sure of my voice so I just nod.

She brings me a cup of water and holds it to my lips, letting me sip slowly. "Thanks." I tell her.

"No problem. How are you feeling?" she asks, looking concerned.

"Better, a little tired." I answer. I really feel like a train ran over me but I know that will fade in time. It's just a side effect of the adrenaline leaving my body. Panic attacks can mimic and feel like a heart attack which is why they can be so dangerous. For me, it's even worse because I didn't escape my lost year without some damage to my health. I try to maintain a very healthy lifestyle, working out and eating fresh whole foods, but anything that adds stress to my heart can be detrimental. Apparently I'm more at risk than the average guy my age for a heart attack.

"You slept a long time," she says bringing my focus back to her. She still doesn't know about the lost year as Keith and I call it. There's a lot she doesn't know about and I'm still not sure how or where to begin.

"Yeah, ummm, I generally do after one of those." I tell her, not sure how much to say. I don't know what the doctors or Keith have told her at this point. She looks tired and now is probably not the time to burden her further.

"Does it happen a lot?" I hesitate before answering her, but I remind myself that this time has to be different. The old Logan would play off this weakness, pretend it's not there and divert her to another subject so she couldn't see my vulnerability. The new Logan still wants to do that, but I'm trying to have a life with this woman and that means I can't push her away even if it does scare me. What will she think when she hears about it all? Will she be disappointed in me? Will she be worried that if we start up and implode again, she'll send me into a tailspin? Honesty, I have to try for honesty, no matter the consequences. If she can't accept me for who I am then we won't work. She once said she wanted us to get to a place of true intimacy, where we saw each other, warts and all, but still loved each other.I joked about it then, but I wanted it then and I want it now. I'm just better equipped to get there now.

"Not for a long time, but it used to happen a fair bit. I guess I really started having them when I was very young, but I didn't know what they were at the time and they weren't as severe as the one today. I had a lot when I was in rehab. Therapy is a bitch." I say with a shrug and a small shy smile. She looks surprised and I hold my breath seeing where she goes next. I can't help my hand tightening around hers, holding her there.

"You went to rehab? Is that what the doctor kept alluding to about your medical history?" She interrogates me.

"Yes. Hi, I'm Logan and I'm an alcoholic and addict." I say trying to lighten the mood. "I guess you were right when you said that on the beach that day. It took me a little longer to figure it out."

"I, I don't know what to say." she stammers.

"You can ask me anything. I was telling the truth, I want a future with you and I know that means sharing everything, even the ugly parts." I tell her sincerely.

"What made you go to rehab?" She asks quietly.

"I'm going to tell you, but are you sure you want to hear it tonight? I've slept 12 hours, you look like you've hardly slept." I ask, not wanting to keep her up.

"I think now is as good a time as any." She shrugs.

"Okay. Before I tell you, I want you to know its not your fault. None of it was your fault, I was to blame for everything that happened after you left." I warn her gently.

She shudders realizing that this is going to be bad. I forge on, wanting to get the telling out of the way. If she still wants to be with me after, we'll deal with it together.

"After you left, I went into a downward spiral. I had all these voices in my head, Aaron, Duncan, Lilly, telling me that I was no good, I wasn't worthy of love and that's why you left. I couldn't sleep for hearing them. I've always self-medicated with alcohol, ever since I was young, using it to drown out those voices. I fell back on that, drinking more and more until even being blackout drunk wouldn't silence everything. You know I've messed with drugs recreationally in the past, but I generally stayed away because of my mom's addiction. When the alcohol wasn't doing the trick, I started doing more and more drugs. I tried anything to make it all go away. I just wanted to forget everything, forget that you were gone, that I had driven you away, that Aaron beat me with belts, that Lilly cheated on me, that my mom didn't love me enough to stay. After a while, I ended up doing heroin and coke. I was a mess, even Dick was worried about me. I dropped out of school, stayed away from Dick. I moved out of the Grande and into my condo. One night, I did too much or it was a bad batch and I OD'd. Dick saved me, made me go to rehab to get help." I rush through the details, not wanting to dwell on the memories of that time.

"And it helped?" she asks.

I nod, "I'm 3 years sober next month. I couldn't have done it without Keith though."

"My dad?" she's shocked.

"Yeah, in rehab, they tell you that you have to have a support system. I love Dick and he saved my life, but I couldn't really see him not drinking or doing drugs again, he has his own demons he needs to work through. I didn't have anyone else in my life, you were gone. When Jane asked me who I wanted to invite to the family therapy sessions, your dad was the only person I could think of. I always respected him, and wanted him to like me. He was everything a father should be that I had never experienced. He came, though I'm not really sure why. He agreed to be my support, but we couldn't talk about you. He didn't want to be used as a way to get to you. After I got out, we started spending time together. He helped me through the rough patches, helped me become the man I wanted to be. I owe him everything." He finishes in a whisper, awe evident in his voice, still not sure why Keith took a chance on him.

"You're the mystery client all these years. I knew he was keeping something from me. He was always very dodgy about what he was doing. I thought maybe he was dating Harmony again and was afraid to tell me." She is still shocked, but doesn't seem angry.

"Please don't be mad at him. Neither of us liked keeping things from you, but you didn't want me in your life and I wanted to respect your wishes." I implore her. I don't want to be the cause of a rift in her relationship with her father.

"I'm not mad Logan. If anything I'm sad. I'm sad that you had to go through that, that you felt that you didn't have anyone, that you couldn't reach out to me. I'm sorry I told you we were nothing. I was so scared of what I felt for you and so messed up with everything that had happened. I was scared that since I loved you, you would leave me." Silent tears are tracking down her face and I reach up to wipe them away gently.

"We really need to work on our communication. I thought you couldn't possibly love me since I was so damaged. I never wanted to leave you, but I was afraid when you started ignoring my calls that it was all just going to start again."

"What would start?" She asks, puzzled.

"You would decide you don't need me and you'd leave me or cheat on me. We were already starting to repeat the cycle of breakups and getting back together that I had with Lilly. I was scared it was going to be like that again, with me loving you, but you not loving or needing me except for sex." I tell her.

"We really do need to work on our communication." She laughs. "I would never cheat on you Logan, never. My ignoring you was not about me wanting something or someone else, it was me being afraid of how much you made me feel. You dated Lilly and women like Kendall Casablancas. I didn't think I could compete. I didn't think you could really love me." She says earnestly, leaning closer to me.

"I did love you, so much, more than was probably healthy at the time. I just didn't know how to show that love or reconcile my worry with your needs. I didn't want you to think I was needy, didn't want you to know the extent of the damage my childhood left on me so I tried to be aloof." I'm smiling now, thinking how so many of our problems could have been solved if we had talked to each other, really talked.

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?" She asks.

"I think so. Veronica, I don't know what happened with Madison. I want to tell you that I didn't sleep with her, but I really don't know. I might have, but I hope you can believe that I would never purposefully hurt you." I need her to believe me.

"Logan, I know that. The doctor got the results of your drug test while you were asleep. You tested positive for scopolamine just like Chris and I did. Whoever is behind this, they obviously wanted me to think that you were lying and sleeping with Madison. They know an awful lot about us. They know our fears about each other better than we do apparently." She pauses "I don't think you actually slept with Madison."

"You don't?" I ask, surprised. I'm not used to getting the benefit of the doubt from her. Usually she jumps straight to the accusations rather than trusting me. In this case, I wouldn't even blame her since the evidence is pretty damning.

"Madison made a comment before she left about leaving you to me. She said I ruined you and you were never that good." She ducks her head, avoiding my eyes. "She said that you either couldn't keep it up or get it up despite the famed Echolls experience."

I stare at her. If what she's saying is true then it would seem my subconscious knew that she wasn't someone I should be with. I start to laugh.

"What's so funny" she asks with a frown.

"I never would have thought I'd be happy to have erectile dysfunction, but if it kept me from sleeping with that whore and hurting you again, then I'm really happy my junk didn't work." I say in between laughs.

She smiles. "Well, I'm hoping that it only applies to Madison." She looks at me with a heated gaze. My body immediately responds, blood pooling in my groin, disproving the idea that I can't' get it up.

I raise an eyebrow at her and tell her "I think you don't have anything to worry in that regard. If anything it may be the opposite, getting up too often when you're around." I look down at my erection and her eyes follow. She swallows audibly.

"I so want to say something like is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me." She says.

"I'm always happy to see you." I say pulling her closer. I know we said we'd take it slow, but I need to reassure myself that she's really here, really staying and trying with me. She doesn't resist as I wrap a hand around the back of her neck and pull her down for a kiss.

It starts off slow, but quickly our passion overtakes us. I pull her up on the bed with me to straddle my lap, careful of the IV wires still attached to me. She mewls in contentment as she settles her core over my erection, grinding down gently. I leave her lips, trailing down her neck to that hollow that makes her weak. She rewards me by grinding down even harder and I have to pull back before I lose control. She takes advantage of my hesitation and starts to nibble on my ear. I groan, delighting in the feeling. She starts to go lower, kissing my neck, my chest, scraping my nipples with her nails in that way only she knows I like.

I let her take the lead. She said she wanted to go slow and I'm willing to do whatever she's comfortable with even if it means I'm going to be left with blue balls. She rubs her hands down my chest, lower, hampered by the oh so attractive hospital gown I'm wearing. I'm panting in anticipation, my hands on her hips, gripping tightly, trying not to thrust up into her. She's wearing a skirt and it's become ruched up around her hips and I can feel her wetness through my hospital gown. She continues lower and I think I'm going to die. Her quick little hands raise up my gown, exposing my very au natural state.

She pauses for a second, staring down at my cock like she's memorizing every vein. It twitches under her stare and she licks her lips before looking up at me.

"Veronica, you don't have" my words are cut off as she takes my cock in her mouth. Just the tip, swirling her tongue around and around. Anything I was going to say was lost in the sensation.

"Fuck, oh god" I gasp out. She reaches a hand down to cup my balls, and I involuntarily thrust up slightly. Instead of getting mad at me, she takes more of me in, keeping a delicious suction up. My eyes are in the back of my head, my hands falling to the side grip the sheets.

"Veronica, I'm going to come, I'm going to come, I'm going to come." I'm chanting now, everything converging. I distantly hear an annoying beeping, but I couldn't care less. I am totally focused on this beautiful woman giving me the most amazing blow job. My balls tighten and I come, exploding into her mouth with a growl. She swallows and keeps up the pressure until my heart rate relaxes. She looks up at me, daintily licking her lips and I pull her up to kiss her.

"You didn't have to do that." I tell her.

"I wanted to. I don't think you realize how very much I've missed being with you. No one has ever made me feel the way you do. I want to go slow, but I'm also dying to replace old memories with new ones with you." She tells me, leaning her head on my chest, curled up in my side.

I'm about to pull her back up, continue what we started, but a nurse comes in to check on me since I've had two heart increases in less than an hour. She looks at Veronica lying next to me and just smiles. I kiss Veronica's head and hold her closer.

"We should sleep. Tomorrow we need to figure out who's trying to keep us apart." I tell her. Unspoken is that I still want to keep talking about us.

"We're going to find them Logan. I'm not letting anyone take you away from me this time." She growls softly.

I smile at her use of the word we. We're in this together and I'm not letting anyone take her from me this time either.

Kidnapper

Fuuuuucccckkk! I trash my room in my anger. She should be far away from him by now. I had everything perfectly planned. He was supposed to remind her of how bad they were together, of why she never trusted him. Instead, she's curled up around him, standing by him.

Nothing seems to be working. she should have been disgusted by him, catching him with that whore. Instead, he has some pussy episode and she's falling all over herself to help him. Nothing is going as planned. I'm not giving up. I refuse to let him have my sweet angel. His corruption runs deep, but I will win in the end. I thought I could do this the nice way, but they refuse to listen. It's time to step it up and really get the point across.


	17. Getting everywhere and nowhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Please review and let me know what you think of the latest chapter. I hope you enjoy.

Veronica

I spend the rest of the night curled up next to Logan in the hospital bed. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did. I've never really been into public displays of that magnitude and that nurse could have come in at any time. Partly it was our amazing chemistry that has us aching for one another anytime we're near and partly I wanted to reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere, that even if he had slept with Madison, I was still willing to be with him. Course seeing the look on his face when he came, part awe, part ecstasy, was very reaffirming for me. There's just something empowering about having that kind of control over him.

There's no time for any more of that though. We need to figure out what is going on and why someone out there is going to such extremes to keep us apart. I run through the list in my head as Logan gets dressed, ready to leave the hospital. Duncan, Chris, Piz, Gorya, I really can't think of anyone else that would want us apart.

"Who could it be?" I murmur to myself as Logan walks out of the bathroom, dressed in a pair of jeans and a blue button down top that my dad brought over from his condo. He's looking a lot better and I can't help the admiring glance I give him as he fiddles with his cuffs trying to get the buttons done. His sense of style has definitely come a long way from the obnoxious earth tones of the past.

Logan answers my question, even though I was only talking to myself. "It has to be someone who knows us and knows us well. They have to have access to information that we haven't told others."

I nod, knowing he's right. The thing with Madison, why we really broke up that last time, I never told Mac or Wallace about it. I only told my dad before I left when I was telling him everything I'd kept from him. The only other person I've ever spoken to about it is Craig, my therapist. I've never really been the type to rehash my old relationships with new ones. Gorya didn't even know who Logan was when Logan put the smack down on him in the cafeteria. Piz knew about Logan, but nothing real. Duncan wasn't even in the country and didn't seem to be all that up on Logan's and my relationship.

"I don't think it was Chris. He was drugged just like you and I." I tell Logan, mentally crossing him off the list.

"I agree, he was just a pawn." His look says at some point he's going to want to talk about Chris, but for now he's focusing on our problem rather than trying to continue our conversations from last night. "I also think we can cross off Gorya." He continues.

"Why?" I ask. I'm thinking the same, but I'm curious to see what Logan's thoughts are on it.

"He had nothing to do with us. He didn't want you; didn't know we were ever together. The video was just a side effect of Wallace rushing the Castle. He took advantage of the footage, but I don't think he cares about you or me. I definitely never heard anything about him after that day in the cafeteria and your dad has been keeping tabs on him in Chicago all this time." He tells me.

"I think you're right. So who does that leave? We're focusing on people that want me, but what if it's someone who wants you?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Fair point and I've considered that." He ducks his head and smirks, "that would certainly make it a longer list."

I glare at him darkly, not amused by his humor or the reminder of his vast history. Even if he has been celibate for the past four years, he definitely more than made up for it in the preceding years.

"How many people have you slept with?" I ask him, gong off topic.

He looks down, his face a little flushed.

"Landmine." He says quietly.

"Honesty." I spit at him.

"I know." He looks up at me. "but do you really want to discuss that now?"

"Yes, no, maybe?" I say.

"I thought we were going to focus on who was doing these things to us?" He responds.

"We are, but we both just agreed that it might not be about me. Your past is relevant and I think it's fair if I'm going to be put through the ringer to determine who our kidnapper is then you should be too." I tell him stubbornly. I don't think I really want to know how many women there have been, but I don't want him to dismiss it because he's afraid of my reaction.

He takes a deep breath, calming himself. "Thirty five give or take one or two."

I inhale sharply. I knew it was a lot, but hearing a number and that he's not even 100% sure, just brings back all my old insecurities. I nod at him, letting him know that I heard him.

"Any of those who might want to keep us apart?" I ask.

"Most were just one night stands. While there might be a crazy stalker in there, I doubt most of them would care. They knew what they were getting. I never lied or pretended that it was anything more than it was." He's obviously uncomfortable with the conversation so I take his hand to show him that I'm not mad. He smiles at me.

"So we probably need to focus on those who were more than just the one night stands."

"Yeah, but there's been a few relationships where I didn't sleep with the girls." He says, not wanting to mention Parker or Hannah by name. Are there more during this time apart? He said he didn't sleep with anyone, but that doesn't mean he's been alone all this time. I'm going to say that this isn't my favorite line of thought.

"I don't think anyone would really go to these lengths for me." He says seriously.

He looks so sad. I reach up to take his face between my hands and look into his brown eyes. "I would." I say quietly.

He stares at me intently, searching for the truth of my words and murmurs "piano wire." I smile at him and shake my head, surprised he remembered my comments about how I would show jealousy. This close to one another, I can feel the heat rise up between us. He starts to lean towards me and I can feel myself leaning towards him.

A nurse walks in and announces that he's free to go. We break apart and I feel a wave of disappointment shudder through my body.

"Let's go get some breakfast." Logan says as my stomach grumbles. I nod and we head out to my car.

Logan directs me to a small cafe on the beach not too far from his condo. We settle into a booth overlooking the ocean. Neither of us is ready to continue our conversation, just content to be with each other. Once our food arrives, egg white omelet for him with turkey bacon and banana pancakes with bacon and hash browns for me, we finally begin to discuss the possibilities again.

"So are we still considering one of my past?" He asks, nervous.

"I know it's hard, but I don't think we can ignore any possibility. If it weren't for the fact that I was with Duncan when you disappeared briefly, I'd say it's probably him." I tell him, taking one of his hands to let him know I was still there.

He smiles slightly at me, releasing my hand to eat. "What about Piz?" he asks.

I know this is going to be a touchy subject for him. Duncan is definitely his worst nightmare when it comes to me with another person, but Piz seems to strike almost as big a nerve. I pause before answering, not wanting to dismiss his concerns, but I really can't see Piz doing something like this.

"I really don't think it would be him. I haven't spoken to him since we broke up, but Wallace has kept me up on his whereabouts. It didn't seem like he was pining for me." I shake my head slightly thinking about Wallace telling me over the years about Piz's many relationships. I guess dating me was the equivalent of ripping off the band aid for Piz and gave him the confidence to really put himself out there. Last I had heard he was still in the area, but he had a serious girlfriend who worked at the radio station with him.

"Looks can be deceiving." He says.

"What do you mean?" I ask, not willing to believe that floppy haired, nice guy Piz could be capable of something like this.

"I mean that just because he was dating and seemed like he wasn't pining or was over you, doesn't mean he actually was." He looks at me significantly. I'm not sure what he's getting at, but I can tell he's willing me to understand something significant.

I shake my head and he continues. "I know we said we'd hold off on any you and I discussions, but I'm beginning to think that for both of us to consider this objectively, we need to not avoid topics just because we want to not muddy the waters."

"I don't understand Logan."

"You are so smart, but so dumb sometimes." He says in a huff. I feel my anger start to rise. Before I can say anything though, he says "I was never over you. Not once, no matter who I was with, I wasn't over you."

I want to believe him, but that part of me that was always so hurt that our break ups didn't seem to phase him is still hurt. "Yet you got into it with Parker pretty quickly. The whole Madison thing happened and I was understandably angry, but you didn't try to talk to me, didn't fight for me. You just moved on to the next girl, even asking my permission."

"Yeah, but doesn't mean I was over you." He says adamantly. "When I talked to you about asking out Parker, I was hoping that you would tell me no, that you would give me any sign that there was a chance for us, that you could forgive me for Madison, but you didn't. You said it was fine." His voice is rising and I can tell he's struggling not to yell.

"What else was I supposed to say? I was still mad at you and you made it clear you were ready to move on." I snap at him.

"I don't know. I wanted you to fight for me too. Parker, she wasn't anything. She was a nice girl and I had fun with her, but I was just using her. I wanted you to tell me no, to not date her. But you just said it was fine. So what was I supposed to do? I was prideful, angry. I knew I had screwed up and I didn't think there was a chance you could forgive me. So I pretended to be okay. You always seemed okay when we were apart. I didn't want you to know how much I needed you. I thought if I dated someone else, the pain would get easier. I thought if you saw me with someone else, saw that I could be the boyfriend you wanted me to be, that you'd come back." He says, frustration clear in his voice.

I stare at him as I think over what he said. A lot of what he's said confirms things Craig and I have talked about in therapy. I'm still mad, mad at the lost opportunity that our stupidity has caused us.

"I think I did the same with Piz." I say quietly.

He looks at me with surprise clear on his face. "What do you mean?"

"Piz was my friend. I'm human and I did notice that he was cute, but it never went any further than simple friendship. I was so wrapped up in you and my cases that I really didn't even notice that he liked me as more than a friend until Parker's party." I pause and Logan interjects.

"You really have a one track mind. It was so obvious that he was hanging around waiting for his chance all year." He says.

"I see that now, but I didn't see it then." I agree. "So, like I was saying. I didn't think of him as anything more than a friend, Wallace's roommate. But that night, seeing you with Parker, knowing you were happy in a way I never seemed to be able to give you because I was so angry and vengeful." I take a deep breath as the memories assail me and continue in a small voice. "You had been through so much and you still found a way to love. I was always envious and scared of that. I thought you deserved to be with someone who didn't bring out your darkness, didn't put trackers in your phone. But I was still hurt and Piz was there and I wanted to show you that I was over you too."

I've been rambling and I'm not sure if what I'm saying really makes sense. I know I started dating Piz to show myself and Logan that I didn't care if he was with Parker. I was so focused on not showing how much I hurt.

"So let me see if I understand. I dated Parker, even asking you if it was okay if I dated her, because I was hurt and wanted to provoke a reaction out of you and because I didn't think you were ever going to get over the Madison thing or that I deserved you. And you dated Piz because you thought I deserved better than you and wanted to prove that you were over me." He says with a sigh.

"Something like that?" I say, not really sure.

"So basically, we're both idiots." He sums up.

"Pretty much. We were young. I was so angry and everything with you was so hard. We seemed to bring out the worst in each other. I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't want to be hurt. Piz was a nice guy and I liked him, but I didn't have to worry about him hurting me. Not like with you."

"You trusted him." He says accusingly. I open my mouth to refute, but he cuts me off. "That's why you won't consider him now. You trust him and you still don't trust me."

I shake my head vehemently. "No. It's not like that." He's glaring at me now and I know we're at another crossroads. Trust is a big deal to Logan. It goes beyond my stalker tendencies. If I don't explain this just right, I'm going to lose him. I open my mouth, but I can't say anything, frozen, my mind swirling.

Logan

"Then what is it like Veronica? Cause from my view of the Logan and Veronica show, it always looked like you trusted everyone else you've been with except me. Duncan, Piz, they could do no wrong, but I was always a suspect. You didn't worry about them hurting you, but me, I'm always hurting you, right?" I fairly spit at her.

I'm so angry, I can feel it in my veins pulsating. She's always trusted others. I was never given the benefit of the doubt, not once. She said I didn't fight for her, but what in our history would have made me think it was worth it, that I was worth it to her?

She stares at me wide eyed, her mouth opening and closing. I stare at her, waiting for her to tell me something, anything. I want her to tell me that she does trust me, but the longer she goes without saying anything the more I feel like nothing has changed.

"Maybe we should just give whoever this is what they want. They obviously don't want us together and it's clear that you still give everyone the benefit of the doubt while I'm still the villain." I tell her. "We should just stop before this goes any further."

My heart is screaming. The last thing I want is to give up this chance. I love her so much, but I've worked too hard to just go back to the way things were. If she still can't trust me, thinks I might hurt her then maybe I'm better off without her. I've lived all this time without her. It wasn't easy, but I can continue.

"No." she cries, tears shining in her eyes. "Logan, please." she reaches for my hand, but I don't want that calm that settles over me when we touch. I don't want to be clouded by the hormones or chemistry or whatever the hell it is that's between us.

"What? What do you want Veronica? You won't even consider Piz but you're quick to think it might be someone I've been with in the past. It's really not that hard. You say you were with Piz because you knew he wouldn't hurt you, but that means you weren't with me because you thought I would hurt you. You either trust me or you don't."

"It wasn't.." she trails off and I see her take a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "I didn't care enough." she finally says.

"Didn't care enough?" I am so confused. She's staring at the table, her eyes fixed on her empty plate.

"About Piz or Duncan. They couldn't hurt me, they were the safe choices because I didn't care enough about them to let them. I've had these walls up, armor to keep myself safe so I wouldn't have to feel the loss of someone I love leaving me again. I've rarely let anyone in, just my dad, Mac, Wallace." She pauses and looks up at me. "You." she whispers and then continues, her voice getting stronger. "I didn't let you in voluntarily. I tried desperately to keep you out. You had left me before, several times. I trusted the others because I didn't care. They couldn't possibly get past my armor. I showed them only a side of me, but you, you saw everything. With you, I cared too much and it terrified me."

I try to work through all of this. She didn't care about them so she could trust them. That's oddly logical, if a bit fucked up. She cared about me so I was suspect. I'm not sure how I feel about that. She reaches again for my hand and this time I allow her to take it. I'm still angry, still don't feel like I've gotten an answer.

"I don't understand Veronica."

"It's really simple." She tells me with a smile. I shake my head, letting her know that I don't think it's simple at all. "Love is power. When you love someone, you're giving them the power to hurt you. You have that power, only you."

Love is power. I have that power, suddenly it becomes clear.

"You love me?" I ask. I need to hear the words. I suspected in the past, but every time I said it to her, she just said yeah. I need the words, I need to know for sure that Veronica Mars loves me and that's why I scare her. Not me specifically, but the fact that because she loves me everything I do is magnified, has greater potential to hurt her.

"I love you Logan. I have tried so hard not to. In my world, I lose those I love with few exceptions." She tells me clearly, looking me in the eye and letting me see the love there, no mask, no quips. Veronica Mars loves me. She loves me. I can't say anything more here. We have to go somewhere else, somewhere private, now.

I stand up, pulling her up with me. I throw some money down on the table and start to drag her out of the restaurant. She tries to pull her hand from mine, planting her feet.

"We need to go now." I tell her.

"Logan, what are you doing?" she asks, refusing to budge. I can't keep pulling her without hurting her but we have to leave now. I consider briefly picking her up and putting her over my shoulder like a caveman, but I know she won't appreciate it.

"We need to keep talking, but it can't be here." I am staring at her intensely, willing her to just agree and come with me. I'm barely holding on. I need to go, be somewhere where I can respond properly to what she's told me. She loves me. My entire body feels coiled.

She looks at me curiously. Finally she nods and lets me take her out to the car. Even though it's her car, I take the keys from her hand, ignoring her protests and pushing her into the passenger seat.

"Logan, talk to me." She says, starting to look worried.

I shake my head, focused on getting us somewhere else. We're only about a mile from my condo so I head that way, my foot like lead on the gas pedal. It's a good thing we don't have that many cops in Neptune because I am definitely breaking all traffic laws right now. In my head, I keep hearing her words. "I love you Logan" over and over again.

When we get to my building. I park haphazardly and run around to open her door. She's still worried, but she's trusting me for now and that fact is making me nearly delirious. I pull her into the elevator, careful to stand a little bit away from her but keeping a hold on her hand. I briefly consider that the last time I was in the condo, Madison was there and I was freaking out. Still, I can't think of anywhere else.

As soon as the elevator doors open, I'm picking her up, her short legs not moving fast enough for me. I ignore her protests and carry her into my home. As soon as the door is shut, I put her down, take a step back from her and look at her.

"You love me." It's not really a statement, there's still enough self loathing in me for me to doubt what she's said, to disbelieve that it's possible that Veronica Mars loves me. I need confirmation, reassurance.

She stares at me, assessing; that quick mind of her processing my strange behavior. Finally she smiles and says "I love you. I have only ever loved you. Even when I didn't want to, I couldn't help but love you. It's only ever been you."

I'm on her in a second, pulling her into my arms. My mouth finds hers and I kiss her deeply, spinning us until I reach a wall. I pin her to the wall and reach my hands down to her thighs and pull her up, urging her to wrap her thighs around my waist. The perfect position for eliminating the short girlfriend syndrome. She complies, making breathless sounds as I continue my assault on her mouth.

I pull back when air becomes necessary, looking down into her flushed face, trying for some control. I know I'm going too fast, but the effect those words have on me is like taking a match to a stick of dynamite. I feel like there are fireworks going off in my head. Vaguely I hear Jane's voice telling me that I'm using sex instead of words, but I can't help it. She places her hands on either side of my face, staring intently into my eyes. "I love you Logan Echolls." she tells me again.

"I love you Veronica Mars. Always, there's no one else, ever." I growl, my control slipping. I kiss her again, leaving her mouth only to trail down her neck to the hollow that does so much for her. My hands are roaming, sliding up from her thighs to the underside of her breasts. She's still wearing the skirt she had on last night and it's ruched up around her thighs. I grind my erection into her core and am rewarded with a gasp from her. I slide my hands over her breasts, feeling her nipples tighten under my thumbs. She reaches for my shirt and pulls it open, buttons scattering and then her hands are running over my chest, nails scratching again and again over my nipples even as I pinch hers. Mutually assured destruction.

"I need to be in you, now." I gasp as her lips latch onto my earlobe, my brain whiting out.

"Yes." she purrs, biting gently on my ear, her hands slipping lower to reach my jeans. I pull back slightly letting her undo my fly and gasping when she wraps her hand around my cock, my eyes fluttering shut. I think of baseball, anything to keep from losing it this time. I need to be in her, need to feel her come around me, her eyes shining with the love I now know she feels for me.

I reach down, taking her hand off of me. I pull her panties to the side and slide my fingers over her clit, swirling the wetness there, reveling in how ready she is. I look into her eyes, seeking approval and she nods. I take myself in hand, center and plunge. Her head falls back against the wall and I stay still, savoring the sensation of being inside her.

"God, you're so hot, so tight. I don't know how long I'll last." my voice is strangled. Enveloped in the tightest hottest sheath I've ever experienced, I'm very much aware of how long it's been since I felt something this incredible. I still haven't moved and she's getting restless.

"Logan, please." she mewls, her hands scratching into the nape of my neck, trying to find some leverage to move on me but I have her pinned too tightly. She squeezes her inner muscles around me and I moan. Knowing that the second I start to move, it's going to be over very quickly, I reach down between us and run my thumb over her clit. She growls and squeezes me again.

I pull out slowly, staring into her face, keeping the pressure up on her clit. I pause again and then slam into her, hard, angling myself so I hit her g-spot.

"Oh god, Logan." Her eyes are closed, I can tell from the way that her muscles are fluttering around my cock that she's close. I've never been so thankful for her responsiveness because I'm definitely not going to last much longer. I'm surprised I've held off this long. Only my desire to see her come before I do is holding me back.

"Look at me" I command and her eyes open. Her pupils are blown with lust and I almost come. I grit my teeth, pulling out again to slam back into her. A small purr starts in the back of her throat and two more strokes and I pinch her clit at the same time as hitting her g-spot and she's coming around me, the purr becoming a yowl. She really is a bobcat.

"I can't, I.." all coherent thought is gone and I slam into her one more time, feeling her pulse around me as I come. I lean my head against her shoulder, trying to catch my breath. She's still pulsing slightly.

I look up at her face and she pulls me in for a kiss. "You are amazing." she tells me.

I smirk. "I don't think I'm the only one. You are perfect. It's never been like this with anyone." I tell her sincerely.

"If I had known that would be your reaction to me telling you that I love you, I might have told you sooner." She jokes.

I'm suddenly ashamed. She said she wanted to go slow, but I lost all control there. I duck my head and mutter "I'm sorry."

She pulls my chin up and kisses me lightly, squeezing my cock where it's still inside her. I can feel myself starting to get hard again, ready for another round. I may not have the endurance I once had, but my recovery time seems to be as good as ever.

"Don't be sorry. I'm not sorry." She tells me, looking me in the eye.

"I love you." I tell her again.

"I love you." she responds and I smile, moving slightly letting her know how her words still affect me. Her eyes widen and she smiles mischievously at me.

"How very touching. Now get away from her." A voice says from behind us. I immediately pull out, putting Veronica on the ground, keeping her behind me as I spin around to locate the voice.

"You." I growl at the intruder. Veronica tries to get around me, but I hold her back, keeping her between me and him.

"You couldn't stay away from her. You just had to soil her yet again. I'll teach you to not touch what's mine." He smiles at me and I notice the gun in his hand.


	18. Who is it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Short chapter, but at least you didn't have to wait too long for it. Please keep the reviews coming, I love hearing your thoughts on the story. Some good news, I have half of the next chapter written and it will be a bit longer. In the meantime, enjoy.

Veronica

I feel Logan stiffen in front of me and I try to look around him, to identify the person. Logan shifts to keep me behind him, refusing to budge an inch. The voice sounds familiar, but my brain is having a hard time catching up.

"You couldn't stay away from her. You just had to soil her yet again. I'll teach you to not touch what's mine." He says to Logan and I hear Logan sharply inhale. Desperate to know what's going on, I lean my head around him. This time he doesn't move. I see the gun pointed at his head and terror rips through me.

I can't lose him, I can't. I look away from the gun to the person holding it. Duncan Kane stands there smiling at us.

"Veronica, love, it's okay, come to me." Duncan says. I look up at Logan's face and I see his jaw is tight, his hands clenched into fists. He never got a chance to fix his pants, so he's hanging out the front. Any other time, I'd find the scene amusing, but right now I can tell that he's two seconds away from launching himself at Duncan, gun or no gun.

I reach down and grab one of his hands, squeezing tightly as I step out from behind him. He growls, letting me know that he doesn't want me to move, but there's not much he can do with a madman pointing a gun at him. Not without risking me in the crossfire which is something he'll never do.

I stand beside him, still holding his hand. He's rigid beside me, anger boiling off of him in waves.

"Veronica, come to me, now." Duncan commands harshly, waving the gun to remind me who's in charge. I tighten my grip on Logan's hand. I let go and take a step forward. Logan starts to reach for me.

"Touch her again, please, give me a reason to shoot you." Duncan warns him. Logan's hands drop to his sides, balled up into fists.

Despite the boiling inferno of rage that I know is inside him, Logan just smirks and moves to adjust himself. I take another step towards Duncan, putting myself in front of Logan, willing him to stay where he is, to not make things worse. I'm fairly certain that Duncan won't hurt me, but I won't risk Logan.

As I continue forward, Logan whispers my name. I turn my head to look at him, smile slightly and tell him "it'll be okay."

Duncan hears my whispered words and sneers "yes, it'll be okay. She will be with the one who deserves her." I keep my face neutral, not wanting to show the revulsion I feel at the thought of Duncan anywhere near me. My feet have brought me right in front of him but he's still got the gun trained on Logan's head. Yet another downside of being over a foot shorter than him.

Duncan grabs my arm and pulls me to his side.

"If you touch her, I will kill you." Logan growls at him. Duncan pushes me back and I fall onto the couch hard, my arm twisting behind me awkwardly.

"Stay there Veronica." He barely spares a glance for me, focused on Logan. "The only one who might die today is you. Always so arrogant, so entitled. You think because she spread her legs for you, that she's yours? You still don't get it. She's not yours, she's mine. She's never been yours, she will never be yours. You should have learned that years ago when Lilly and I told you to stay away from her, but no, you had to have her. You had to corrupt her and turn her into this, a sarcastic slut, slave to your depravity. You ruin everything you touch. You were never good enough for her and you never will be. I should have put you down a long time ago like the dog you always were."

"At least I didn't rape her." Logan spits at him. His face still wears his indifferent mask, but I can see him flinch at Duncan's words. I want to refute them, remind him that he is good enough, he's always been good enough, that I love him, but Duncan's still pointing that fucking gun.

"I never raped her. What we shared was beautiful, the culmination of a true love story. She may not remember because you fucking drugged her, but it was not rape. That's just another one of your lies that you forced on her to keep her from seeing the truth about you. You are the one who used her for sex. You used her to replace your perfect Lilly. Lilly was just as twisted as you, only good for garbage like you. Lilly was a manipulative whore and she got what she deserved, but it wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough you destroyed Lilly, you had to destroy my angel, twist her the way you are. I'm not going to let you have her, I'm going to take her where you'll never find us and we'll be happy again. I'll make sure she never thinks of you again."

"You're fucking crazy. It doesn't matter where you take her, I will always find her, always." Logan yells, focusing on me when he says he'll find me. I hold onto that, mouthing 'I love you' to him.

"Poor Logan, still can't see the truth. Why do you think your dad beat you, Lilly cheated on you, your mom left you? You are evil, unlovable, and you destroy everyone you love. I won't let you do that to Veronica, not again." Duncan reaches back for my hand and I cower on the couch. "Veronica, come. We need to go now."

I reluctantly get up and take his hand. Keeping the gun trained on Logan the entire time, he drags me towards the door. Tears stream down my face while he utters nonsense about always being my Prince Charming and saving me from evil men.

Logan

I stand there staring at my ex-best friend who clearly has lost his fucking mind. If it weren't for the gun and my fear that Veronica might put herself in the way, I would have already rushed him. Hearing him talk about his sister that way sent a shiver down my spine. I may not be her biggest fan, but I would never say she got what she deserved. No one deserves to die like she did.

I try not to let his words touch me, knowing that they're the words of a madman, but he knows me too well. He knows that I fear not being good enough for Veronica, that I'll destroy her and lose her like I've lost everyone else I've loved. Didn't I put her in danger by being back with her?

Now is not the time for my self-loathing though. I need to get to her, to save her. She's mine and I will find her always. I watch as he drags her towards the door.

Before he can open the door though, it slams open, startling us all. I take advantage of the distraction despite my own surprise, pulling the gun from his hand throwing it away from us. I'm not a killer like my father and even if I was, I wouldn't use a gun when there's so much satisfaction to be had in hearing bones crunch. I waste no time in landing a right hook on my former best friend's face.

He's no longer the wimpy Duncan of the past and he's clearly learned to fight since the last time we went at each other. Instead of my punch knocking him on his ass, he merely turns his head and then launches his own attack. I'm fueled by rage though and I've been fighting a lot longer. Besides, I have everything to fight for. I feel his nose break under my fist and I smirk.

Before I can land my next punch though, a gunshot roars through the condo. Keith is standing there, his .38 special aimed at Duncan, fury clear on his face.

"Step away from him Logan." I obey immediately and look around for Veronica. She's standing by my kitchen, cradling her left arm in her right, but otherwise unharmed.

Dick comes in behind Keith and stares at the scene. Duncan is frozen staring at the gun pointed at him, realizing that he's not going to win, finally making it through his crazy mind.

Dick steps forward and addresses Duncan. "You are one crazy motherfucker, dude." He says before punching Duncan in the face. The bastard finally goes down, unconscious. I'm strangely proud of my best friend. He's always been more of a lover than a fighter, but when he does go for it, he packs a strong punch.

"Dude, you okay?" He asks me. I nod, moving towards Veronica. I need to reassure myself that she's okay.

She's shaking, but when I reach for her, she launches herself into my arms. I hold her as tightly as I can, being careful of her arm. Pulling back after a moment, I try to determine what's wrong with it.

Sensing my unasked question, she tells me "my shoulder. I think I dislocated it when he pushed me on the couch."

Keith is cuffing Duncan while Dick walks up to us. "Logan's lady friend who I wholeheartedly approve of." He says to Veronica, reminding her of his promise a long time ago to always respect my wishes when it came to her.

"Mac already called an ambulance." He tells us, pointing to the earpiece he's wearing.

"How did you know?" I ask.

"Oh yeah, I'll let Mac-attack explain that once Ronnie's taken care of." He tells me, looking awkward.

I hear sirens getting closer. I'm still holding Veronica close, but I maneuver us to sit on my couch. I don't know about her, but my legs are shaky and I don't know that I can stand much longer.

"Logan?" she says.

"Yeah Bobcat?" I respond.

"What happens now?" She asks.


	19. Mystery Woman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - To all who guessed Duncan, good job. I really tried to keep that from being too obvious, but short of creating a new character, there's really only so many suspects. And while he may be subdued for now, remember this is Neptune so things can change on a dime. On another note, I'm realizing that my timeline might be a little off. Don't judge, it's hard to figure out exactly how many months, years, days have passed. and I'm just using holidays as touch points. It's my story so I'm taking artistic license on any dates. Sorry for the delay in updates, I had this written and then I ended up making all sorts of edits, doubting where I was going. I'm back on track and hopefully will have another chapter out soon. Please review and I hope that you enjoy.

Veronica

"What happens now?" I ask Logan. I know there's the logistics, seeing Duncan arrested, getting my arm seen to. What I really want to know is how will we make this work?

"I don't know, but we'll figure it out together." He says, kissing the top of my head.

Before we can talk anymore, the police and paramedics arrive. My dad directs an EMT to me who looks at my shoulder.

"Miss, we'll need to take you to the hospital for tests before we can set it." he says to me. I nod numbly. I really don't feel much. I hear him talking to Logan who reassures him that he's fine, just worried about me.

"I think she might be in shock. I've dislocated my shoulder before and it hurts a lot." Logan tells the EMT.

Am I in shock? I guess I might be. Everything seems fuzzy and surreal. In a span of a few minutes, I went from having some of the best sex of my life with the love of my life to almost being kidnapped again while my lover was almost killed in front of me.

In the back of my mind, I know there's still unanswered questions. How did Duncan drug Logan when he was with me? How did my dad know to come when he did, keeping Duncan from taking me? It all just seems like too much to worry about right now. Instead, I focus on Logan, his voice, his warmth at my side, his arms around me.

Wait, why aren't his arms around me? Where's Logan going? Why is he leaving me?

"She's definitely in shock. We need to take her now, sir. You'll need to let go of her so we can put her in the ambulance. Only family can ride along." I hear it all as if underwater.

"He's family." My dad says firmly. Logan takes one of my hands as I'm put on a gurney. I stare up at his face like a lifeline, holding on to the one true thing I know. I'm safe as long as he's with me.

Logan

Veronica is very silent. Her not asking for answers is what clues me in that she's not exhibiting any pain for her arm even though she's cradling it in her good arm. She clearly is in shock, everything that's happened too much to process at the moment.

I ride along with her in the ambulance, holding her hand the entire time. She keeps her eyes fixed on me, unblinking, like she thinks if she closes them I'll disappear. I try to give her all the comfort I can, telling her over and over again that I'm not going anywhere, that I love her.

Once at the hospital, they push me away to work on her, but I stay close so she can still see me. The one time someone walks in front of me, blocking me from her view, she starts to struggle.

"It's okay, Veronica. I'm still right here." I tell her. Once she can see me again, she relaxes. When they set her shoulder, I hold onto her good hand, but she's still not feeling the pain. It's a small mercy at this point.

The police are swarming, wanting our statements. Keith and Dick arrived and kept them away from us. Naturally, the reporters are there. Both Duncan Kane and I are still news, apparently even though I've done nothing to warrant it in years.

I just want to get out of here, I really hate hospitals. I want to take Veronica home and hold her, reassure myself that we're still together. After what seems like years, they give us some pain pills and send us on our way. Veronica is now registering the pain, but she refuses the medicine, wanting to keep a clear head.

"Logan, I want to know why." She whispers to me as I put her in the car, Keith hovering nearby.

"You should rest first." I tell her and I hear Dick snort. I look sharply at my best friend.

"Oh come on dude, you know her, I know her, Keith knows her. Mac is anxiously waiting with Wallace at Keith's place to tell everyone how she knew to send us in like Batman." Dick says to me, smiling.

I shake my head, but I can't deny what he's said. Nothing will keep Veronica Mars from the truth and besides I'm curious too. I'm just so glad that she's okay that I really haven't had time to think about what actually just happened. Maybe she's not the only one suffering from shock.

As I get into the backseat with Veronica, I feel the adrenaline leaving my body and I'm unbelievably tired and shaky. Keith looks at my pale face in the rearview mirror and hands me some water. "It'll help," he says. I nod my thanks, content to just hold onto Veronica who is leaning against me.

Wallace runs out of the house to help Veronica out of the car before I can get around to her side. I barely restrain myself from glaring at him. I know that Wallace and Veronica's relationship has never been anything but platonic, but right now, after the day I've had, I'm not happy to see anyone other than me touch her. The reality of how close I came to losing her hits me full force then and I stumble a little. Keith takes my arm, steadying me.

"It's okay son, she's okay. Duncan is locked up." Keith speaks quietly to me.

"I know. Just, it all hit me. I could have lost her Keith. If you and Dick hadn't come when you did, he could have taken her from me and I couldn't do a damn fucking thing but stand there and watch." The rage is building in me again. I need to find some release before it all bubbles over and I explode. Fight or fuck, that's me. While Veronica and I have resumed our physical relationship I don't think she or her father or our friends would appreciate me dragging her back to her room and burying myself in her until I was sure the rage was gone.

So what does that leave me? Keith sensing my mood and knowing that words won't calm me down at this point, tells Dick to take me somewhere.

"No, I can't leave her." I cry out. I know I'm beyond control now, I can feel how hot my skin is, but I can't leave her.

"Logan, you need to get it out before you're any good for her. Dick, take him on a run around the block, anything just to release the energy." Keith directs him.

"Mr. Mars, dude, I can do better than that. Logan needs to hit something. Running won't help, not when his face is that red." I'm touched and embarrassed that these people know me so well, know what I need when the rage builds like this.

Dick stands in front of me, Veronica already safely in the house, waiting for me. I'm frozen, I need to hit something or fuck something, anything to get all this out. But I need to be with her, I almost lost her. I try taking deep breaths like Jane taught me, but I'm too far gone at this point. If Duncan was in front of me right now I'd already have hit him a hundred times.

Suddenly, Dick shoves me. I focus on him, growling. He shoves me again. I don't want to hit my friend, the guy who helped save Veronica, but he shoves me again. I have enough presence of mind that when I do come out swinging, I avoid his face. Three swift punches to his stomach that leave him bent over grimacing in pain, are enough for me to calm down. I can still feel the rage in my veins but its not controlling me now.

"I'm sorry." I tell Dick. He waves my apology away, not quite able to speak yet. I help him stand and check the damage.

"I'm good Dude, it hurts but nothing's broken. Thanks for not going for the face. Mac-ie wouldn't be very happy with you if you messed up the mug. She likes my boyish good looks." he says after catching his breath.

"Dick that was unconventional, but effective. Logan, do you think you can restrain yourself now?" Keith looks at us both, quirking an eyebrow.

"I think so. I need to be with her." Keith steps aside, letting me follow her into the house. She's sitting on the couch, Wallace on her right and Mac on her left. When they see me walk in, Wallace gets up, letting me sit next to her while he takes the armchair.

"Are you okay?" Veronica asks me quietly. I nod, taking her good hand in mine. She's okay, she's with me, her touch calms me and I feel more of the anger dissipate.

"So Mac, ready to tell us how you solved this one?" Veronica asks her best girlfriend.

"I haven't solved it all." Mac answers.

"What the fuck do you mean?" I ask harshly. Mac winces and I'm immediately apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I'm on edge. Please continue." I tell her.

Mac

This should be a happy time, we should all be celebrating, but I can tell everyone is still anxious and tired. Logan looks like he's about to crawl out of his skin and Veronica just looks like she's haunted. I want to be able to tell them that this is all over, but while I was able to pin part of this on Duncan, there's still some missing pieces. When I figured out that Duncan was going to make a move today against them, there wasn't enough time to do much more than rally the troops and hope we weren't too late.

"I guess I should start at the beginning." I tell the assembled group.

"Anywhere would be good." Logan snarks. I glare at him but he holds his ground this time. I guess no more apologies from him.

"After you all got back from Sedona, I kept looking into Duncan as well as the others on our list. I couldn't shake the feeling that despite his alibi, Duncan had to be involved in this. There were too many coincidences, like the use of the Kane property. I checked his bank records, the flight logs for the Kane Industries plane. Nothing turned up. I talked to Chris again to see what he remembered before his memory went blank, but he couldn't really tell me much. He did however remember talking to a woman on campus asking for directions to the dorm that Veronica lived in during undergrad." I pause, thinking about my conversation with him.

"I pulled up the cameras and tried to find him on campus. It was exhausting. He must have talked to twenty people that day. Finally, I found footage of him talking to a woman, pointing as if he was giving directions. The woman's face was turned away from the camera, but I noticed that when she waved to say goodbye to him, there was dust in the air. I tried to increase the resolution but I couldn't really tell anything. For all I knew she was vaping and had blown out some smoke. However, after that Chris changed directions and left campus. I lost him after that, but I think we can assume that he somehow managed to get to Neptune, grab Veronica, and well everyone knows what happened then." I can tell Veronica is thinking it all over, but she's waiting until I finish to ask me questions.

"I tried to track the woman, but it was as if she disappeared after she talked to Chris and I couldn't get a clear picture of her. All I can tell you about her is that she's tall, shorter than Chris, but definitely on the taller side and has light colored hair."

"But how does that get to Duncan? If it was a woman who dosed Chris and Chris dosed Veronica, then did that same woman dose Logan and how does Duncan fit into all of this?" Veronica finally loses patience with me.

"By itself, it doesn't and I still don't know who she is or how she's connected to Duncan." I answer. "Cluing into Duncan's plan was a bit of luck. I was checking on his alibi, both his mom and his girlfriend had said he was in Napa with them. We never did speak directly to him when we first contacted them, so there was the slight possibility that he wasn't in Napa when we did finally get him on the phone. I didn't think at the time to trace where his phone was. However, earlier today, the girlfriend, Amy, called to tell me that she had lied, Duncan wasn't in Napa. She didn't know where he was, but she said when we called to find him, Celeste told her to say he was there the whole time with them."

"Why'd she tell you this now?" Logan asks.

"She said that when Duncan came to Neptune, he said it was just to check on an old friend, but he was being strange. She had offered to come along with him, but he told her to stay in Napa and that he'd be back soon. Then last night he called her and told her that it was over, that he and Veronica were getting back together and that Veronica was the love of his life." I frown at the memory of Amy's call. The girl clearly loved Duncan and was shocked and devastated by this change in their relationship status. To make matters worse, as soon as Celeste learned of the change, she promptly threw Amy out of the Napa compound.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Logan quotes. Veronica glares at him and he holds up his hands to show he's going to shut up now.

"Mac, that still doesn't explain how you knew to send me and Dick to Logan's condo." Keith says.

"Oh, that's easy. Once he got to Neptune, I had Dick put a tracker on his car. I've been tracking Veronica's cell phone since she got back and when I saw her and Logan leave the hospital and Duncan's car following them, I thought he might be up to something. I didn't expect to have you walk in on him holding Logan at gunpoint." I answer, smiling at my own genius.

"Mac, we're going to talk about you tracking my phone at some point, but right now I'm really glad you did." Veronica gives me a small hug.

"Track her anytime. This one gets into all sorts of trouble." Logan says, earning an elbow in the side from Veronica. He looks happier than I've seen him in years. It's like a piece of him was missing all this time and now he's completely whole. Looking at Veronica, I can see the same glow to her.

"So we know that there's someone else involved in this, but we don't think it's Duncan's girlfriend." Keith says, bringing us all back to the discussion at hand.

"Right. I don't think it's Celeste either since she has been seen around town quite a bit. I pulled the background info for Amy and she doesn't look anything like the girl on the video. Even with makeup, there's no way it could be her." I say bringing up the profile for Amy Laso, turning it around so everyone can see the picture of a 20 something brunette with hazel eyes, height five foot.

I click a couple of things and bring up the footage of Chris talking to the mystery woman. The picture isn't the greatest, but you can tell that she's at least 5'6" from where her head lines up on Chris' chest. Also her hair is definitely a lighter color, blonde, possibly platinum. While hair color and eye color could be fakes, height is hard and the woman in the video isn't wearing heels to make her appear taller than she is. The body type isn't the same either, the woman in the footage being a healthier weight than Amy who almost appears waif like.

"Can I see that?" Veronica asks and I hand the laptop to her. She leans close to look at the woman.

"Do you recognize her?" Keith asks as she stares intently.

"No, but there's something about her." she trails off, lost in thought.

Logan leans closer as well, trying to tell if he can figure out who it is.

"Madison, maybe?" He says, grimacing, even her name making him ill.

Dick grabs the laptop and looks at the woman. "Nah, that's not Madison, the body language is all wrong." He tells us. I stare at him, but he just shrugs.

"What? I dated her for a long time. I may not like her, but I would know her anywhere." He says.

I can only shake my head. There's nothing to be jealous of, Dick really didn't like Madison. The few times he's seen her in the past few years, he's had nothing but insults for her. I think he's actually more mad at her for what she did to ruin Logan and Veronica's relationship than because of any lingering feelings for her.

"Is it possible, she's not anyone? Maybe she was drugged to drug Chris, but has nothing to do with any of this?" Wallace asks.

"I would normally say yes, but I've been searching the footage around Luigi's; trying to find out who drugged him since it couldn't have been Duncan." I answer.

"Mac, I love you, but if you don't spit it all out at once, rather than this piecemeal shit, I'm going to cross you off my Christmas Card list." Veronica says, exasperated.

"Hey, you're the ones who keep interrupting me." I defend myself.

"Mac, just continue before she gets bitey." Logan chuckles. "It has been a few hours since I last fed her, so she's starting to get hangry."

"Hangry?" Keith looks confused while everyone else laughs, except Veronica who is glaring playfully at Logan.

"Angry and hungry." Wallace tells him. Keith smiles and says "wow, they made a word for her."

Everyone laughs and Logan gets up to grab Veronica a snack since she is indeed looking like she might start biting people. As he hands her some leftover egg rolls he found in the fridge, she starts to protest.

"I'm not hungry or hangry. I just want to know what Mac's found." She looks at us all angrily, but takes the food anyways, mumbling under her breath, "you bite someone one time and they never let you live it down."

"Who did you bite?" Keith asks.

"Me." Logan smiles.

"I don't think I want to hear this." Wallace says.

"Me either, I think I am happy not knowing anything about that part of my daughter's life." Keith says looking pointedly at Logan. Logan continues smiling.

"He tried to take my food." Veronica says, defending herself.

"Dude, even I know not to get between Ronnie and food." Dick tells his best friend, laughing.

"If we're all good now, no more worries about letting the gremlin out, can I continue?" I ask everyone.

Veronica continues to glare as she eats her egg rolls, but waves for me to continue.

"Ha, you're going to have to be careful not to get her wet, or feeding her after midnight dude." Dick interjects just getting my gremlins reference. He's not dumb, but sometimes he takes a second to get there.

"Dick, be quiet." I tell my boyfriend sternly. He nods and mimes zipping his lips.

"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted so very many times. I've been looking at the footage to see if I could figure out who drugged Logan. I'm fairly certain that I saw that woman here in Neptune, but I can't find anything to place her near Luigi's at the time Logan went missing." I summarize, taking back my laptop from Dick and bringing up the footage of the mystery woman.

"You still can't see her face so there's not a lot go on, but she is within a mile of Luigis. Seems like an odd coincidence."

"So was she working for Duncan or with him? And if she was working with him, then why? What does she get out of all of this? Were there any unusual payments from Duncan's accounts?" Keith asks.

"Nothing, just bill pays and investments. I was thorough, even found accounts in other countries I'm sure that the IRS would love to know about. I also went through Jake and Celeste's accounts as well as the corporate accounts for Kane Industries. Everything is on the up and up, no unexplained payments." I tell them, forestalling further inquiry on the bank accounts.

"So what do we do? Wait for her to make a move? Hope that with Duncan in jail, it's all over?" Logan asks.

Veronica looks at him sadly. "When has it ever been that easy for us?" she says.

"Extreme hopes are born from extreme misery." Logan and his freaking quotes. That's one thing Veronica got lucky to have missed out on all these years. Although looking at her face, the small half smile as she looks up at him through her lashes, I'd have to guess that this is yet another one of his quirks that she dearly missed.

"And…" She says to him.

"And...what?" He says, playing dumb.

"Logan." she fairly barks at him.

He smiles, kisses her forehead and says softly "Bertrand Russell."

"Neputne should have a sign like hell, all hope abandon, all ye who enter here!" Veronica smirks at him.

"Dante Alighieri. 'To live without hope is to cease to live.' Fydor Dostoevsky." Logan tells her.

"Okay enough, you're making my head hurt." Wallace complains.

"Yes children, this is all very amusing, but we still have a mystery woman to identify and figure out what her end game is before one of you finds yourself in danger again." Keith tells them sternly.

"Right, lives ruined, bloodshed. We're on task. What can we do?" Veronica says. Logan looks at her strangely. He still doesn't know exactly what he said to her that night at alterna-prom. I know Veronica has thrown it in his face a few times and the look he's giving her now shows the ghosts of conversations past that still haunt him. There's still a lot of stuff for them to work out. I hope we can figure this out so they can have that chance though. They're my friends and I want them to be happy and for both of them that will never happen if they aren't together.

"I think we need to get hotel records, see if we can't find her. Mac, can you keep looking to see if we can find a shot of her face?" Keith takes over, making plans. I nod, absently, still staring at the footage. Like Logan and Veronica, there's something familiar about the woman, but for the life of me I can't figure it out.

"I think we should also make a list of any known women who might have something to gain from keeping Logan and Veronica apart." Keith continues.

"I guess we'll have to pull that list after all sugarpuss." Logan says to Veronica. She smiles sadly and squeezes his hand.

"For now, Logan and Veronica will need to stay together and one of us will need to be with them at all times. I think that's the best we can do for now. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'll host here as I normally do." He looks around the house, suddenly realizing its lack of Christmas hoopla.

"You host Christmas eve?" Veronica asks her dad. We all look at each other guiltily. It wasn't that we were keeping things from her, but normally she chose not to come home and Keith usually took the week between Christmas and New Year's to visit Stanford to be with her. It had become a tradition to have Christmas eve at Keiths and Christmas day at my mom's house.

"Yeah, I meant to tell you. I wasn't sure I'd do it this year…" Keith trails off. None of us knew how it would go with Logan and Veronica and we didn't want to put them in an awkward position if they weren't ready to get back together. Logan had volunteered to just stay home with Dick and let the rest of us celebrate with Veronica and Keith, but that never felt right to Wallace or I.

"Ronnie, it's awesome, you'll love it. Keith and Logan cook this amazing meal and we watch crappy Christmas movies. And there are these cookies, that are to die for." Dick says.

"Snickerdoodles?" Veronica asks. She makes them and ships them to Keith, Wallace and I every year. We never mentioned where they came from to Logan or Dick.

"Veronica." I start to say, seeing the sadness threatening to take over.

"Mac, it's okay. I'm just tired. I think I'm going to lay down for a bit." She says as she pulls her hand from Logan's. He starts to follow her, but she stops him. "I just need to lay down, on my own."

He nods, but I can tell it's an effort for him to let her out of his sight even if she'll only be a few feet away.

"Logan, she'll be okay. I don't think she's mad, just sad that she's missed so much. You know how she likes to be in the thick of things." I tell him, putting a hand on his arm.

He looks at me sadly. "I didn't want her to ever feel like she wasn't part of her family."

"You didn't make her choices. Let her think this over. She'll come around, you'll see." I give him a hug and he hugs me back, whispering thanks.

I turn to the others. "If we're going to be doing our party this year, we need to get this place into shape. Wallace, you get us a tree, Dick, you and Logan pull out the decorations, Keith from the look of the fridge, I'd say you have some shopping to do if you and Logan are going to top last year's feast." I give orders to everyone.

"What about you Mac?" Wallace asks.

"I'm going to see if I can't find anything on our mystery woman." I answer.

Veronica

I can hear everyone still talking in the other room, making plans, laughing at inside jokes. I feel an unbearable sadness at all that I've missed. I know it's not fixing anything by hiding out in my room, but I just needed some time to think things through. I guess in a lot of ways, I just froze them all in my head when I left and didn't let myself consider that life was still being lived. I'm not sure how I fit back into this all.

It's not that they're excluding me, it's just hard to wrap my head around everything. I hear Mac giving everyone orders and I feel even more lost. Where do I fit into all of this? Before I was Wallace and Mac's friend, Keith Mars' daughter, Logan's girlfriend, but I kept everyone separate; all wrapped up in their own neat little boxes. Without me keeping them apart, they all came together and formed a group without me. I don't want to compartmentalize everyone again, but I don't know how to be a part of this.

I try to sleep but my arm is really hurting. I look around to see if my pills are in my room, but I don't see them. Logan probably still has them. I'm debating on going out there among all the laughter and camaraderie to get one when my door creaks open quietly.

"I didn't want to disturb you if you were asleep." Logan says, looking in the room, but staying in the doorway.

"That's okay, I couldn't sleep. My arm is hurting too much." I tell him, avoiding his eyes.

"I figured you might be in pain so I was just bringing you these." He holds up a bottle of pills.

"Thanks. I don't suppose you have any water on you for me to take these with?" I ask, still not really looking at him as I take the bottle and try to open it one handed. He takes it back from me and opens it easily, pulling out a pill and handing it to me. He sets the bottle down on my nightstand and hands me a small water bottle, already opened.

I swallow the pill, thanking him again and laying back down. He hesitates, looking at me nervously.

"I'm really tired Logan." I say, hoping that he'll take the hint and let me be. I'm not ready to talk to him about this. He seems undecided but I guess something in my face tells him I am very tired so he nods and leaves without another word.

Tears stream down my face as I try to will myself to sleep, hoping the pain pills take effect quickly. This is so not like me, but it's been a rollercoaster the past few days. After a long time, my mind in turmoil, I start to drift off. Just before I'm completely asleep, I hear the door open again and the bed dips as someone sits next to me.

"Bobcat, I know you need rest and you want to be alone, but I'm here when you're ready. I love you." Logan whispers, kissing me on the forehead. I look up at him sleepily, my eyes drifting shut against my wishes.

I slip into sleep and begin to dream.


	20. Preparing for Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes - another slightly short chapter. Enjoy and please review.

Logan

I watch her as she sleeps. She's always been beautiful to me but when she sleeps, she has an innocence to her that her waking self has long since lost. Something about that innocence always makes me feel calmer. I know all of this is hard for her, she hates emotional confrontation and it can't be easy to see us all having a life without her. I think about what Mac said, she made the decision, but did any of us really try to change her mind? Could we have?

I can't change the past, that's something I've come to terms with over the years, but I don't want to be the cause of any more pain for her. I hope she sees that we've been keeping a place for her all these years, not just me, but Mac, Wallace and Keith. We've all been waiting for her to come back into our lives and be a part of the family we've created.

I want that so much with her. I stare down at her, getting ready to head back out to the living room and finish decorating before Mac or Dick yell at me.

I hate to leave her, but she needs her rest and I console myself with the thought that she's just in the next room. I leave the door cracked so I can hear her if she needs me. I busy myself with pulling out the decorations and putting out everything so we're ready to go once Wallace gets back with the tree. Dick teases me about the amount of mistletoe I'm hanging in all of the doorways. In the past, I've always left the fake copies in the boxes, not wanting to be reminded of who wasn't there that I so desperately wanted to kiss. I keep looking back towards her room, but I stay away. I help Wallace drag the tree in the house, but leave him and Dick to put it up.

When Keith returns with the groceries I head to the kitchen and help him put them away.

"How is she?" He asks me quietly, watching Dick and Wallace wrestle the tree up. As they do every year, the two are arguing over which side is the lease skimpy. I smile at their antics and then look at Keith. I can see the strain on his face. He hasn't said much, but I know the events of the past few days are weighing as heavily on him as they are on Veronica and I.

"I think she'll be okay. She was in some pain so she took one of her pills, she'll probably be out for a while." I answer, avoiding what he really wants to know.

"And how are you?" He asks, taking a different tack to get me to open up. I shrug and he gives me a stern look.

"I don't know, honestly. I'm happy, I'm frustrated, angry, and I'm sad. Everything all at once. I have everything I've ever wanted, but it still feels fragile. I want to know who this person is, but I also just want to move on with my life. I feel like there's this timer behind me ticking down time and if I don't resolve everything with Veronica, the timer will run out and I'll be left without her." I answer more completely, almost like talking to Jane.

"What are you thinking?" Keith gives me a wary look as a thought crosses my mind.

"Duncan knew so much about us for someone who wasn't here. How? I only have ever talked to you and Jane about my relationship and fears with Veronica. I know she hasn't told everyone, not even Wallace. I know he still doesn't know what I did that made her break up with me that last time. So how did Duncan know that Veronica's biggest fear was that if she opened herself up to me I might hurt her again or that seeing Madison with me would trigger all of her fears?" I ask him, thinking out loud.

"You think one of your therapists may have talked?"

"Not Jane. She was vetted by SG and you checked her out when I decided to keep seeing her after I left rehab. Besides if she was talking, it would make more sense if she was selling stories to the Enquirer or something. What about Veronica's therapist? I think she said his name was Craig." I look at Keith.

"Possibly, she didn't tell me about her therapy until she'd been going for almost a year. But I can't imagine that she didn't check him out herself before she opened up to him." Keith looks thoughtful. "However, its not necessarily that they told anyone your secrets. If they kept electronic copies of their notes, those can be hacked. Even if they're hard copies, someone could have broken in."

A small sound brings our attention to the hallway leading to the bedrooms. Veronica is standing there, looking sleepy and unfocused. She shuffles over to her dad and I, clearly still not fully awake.

Her eyes focus on me, "I need to talk to Duncan." she says, her voice unsure.

"What, no, why?" I stammer. Why the fuck does she need to speak to him? He's in jail, his part is over, he won't touch her again.

"We need to talk to Duncan, Logan." She says more firmly. "We need to know how he knew all that stuff about us. He's been gone a long time, how did he know about Madison and Chris? He left before all of that. It doesn't add up. That woman, she's familiar somehow, and I think she's the key to all of this."

Keith and I share a look. "What?" She says, more alert now, sensing a fight.

"We were just talking about the same thing. I think you're right, we do need to see what we can get out of Duncan. As long as you're not going alone, as long as I'm with you. I'm not letting that madman near you again." I accede she has a point.

"I'll call Leo and set it up for tomorrow. Tonight we should just enjoy and get ready for the holiday. I think we could all use some fun."

I look at our friends and nod. "How about a crappy Christmas movie marathon?" Veronica's face lights up, but then falls slightly remembering that we've all created a life here without her. I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head, silently letting her know that she's where she belongs. Keith goes to talk to the others and let them know of our plan to set our worries aside for the night.

"Logan, I love you." she whispers, her lips against my neck. I pull her closer, the words having the same effect on me as earlier. Only now isn't the time even if I do want to drag her back to the bedroom and prove again that she's mine. I kiss the top of her head again and pull back to look at her.

"I love you, so much." I tell her sincerely. "I probably should go back out there and help. Mac gets extremely testy if she thinks anyone is shirking their responsibilities."

Veronica smiles, amused at the thought of her once shy friend taking control. "I'll come help." She says shyly.

"Are you sure you don't need some more rest? You haven't been asleep for very long." I remind her.

"I'm good. I was just overwhelmed and probably being silly. It's just hard, seeing everything I've missed. I just wonder where my place in everything is now." She looks down as she says this.

I lift her chin forcing her to look at me. "With me, with us, with your family. We've been keeping a place for you, waiting for you to take it. I've been waiting."

She doesn't say anything, just takes my hand and kisses my knuckles softly. I help her get up and lead her back out to the living room. She takes in the scene, unsure, but I squeeze her hand gently, letting her know she belongs with me. She smiles and starts telling Wallace and Dick how they're decorating the tree wrong. I smile watching her step back into her life.

Keith

I'm struck by how happy the scene is in front of me. Logan is holding Veronica up to put the star on the tree, Mac is on the couch, furiously working on her laptop, a redvine in her mouth, Wallace and Dick are laughing at Veronica's protests about being picked up like a doll. For so long it was just Veronica and I and then it was just me. I don't know how these kids have become part of my family but I love each of them and wouldn't have it any other way. Even Dick.

Veronica comes into the kitchen, Logan following closely behind me. "Did you get everything I need?" she asks.

"Of course, but how are you going to do this one handed?" I ask her, knowing that she usually likes to make her cookies on her own.

"I'll enlist some elves of course." She smiles at me, looking happier than I've seen her in years.

"Elves for what?" Logan asks, confused. I've never told him who made the cookies every year. He loves them so much and I don't think he would have eaten any if he knew they came from Veronica. I'm still surprised that her baking is one of the few things he doesn't seem to know about her.

Wallace has wandered into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge he says "the snickerdoodles. She's got to make the snickerdoodles, they're even better when they're fresh from the oven."

Logan looks at Veronica, understanding coming over him. "You make the cookies?" She nods. "Every year." She nods again. He looks like he wants to say something, but Veronica has other things on her mind.

"Dad, did you call Leo? I want you to see about getting Logan and I in to see Duncan, the sooner the better." She tells me.

I look at Logan and he nods. "We need to see what he knows, how he was tracking us."

"We're all set for tomorrow morning at nine. Now, I thought we were putting this aside for tonight." I remind them; fixing a glare at Mac who is still working on her computer, but has looked up to see what's going on in the kitchen. She puts her hands up in defeat and takes the laptop off her legs.

"I'm done, I'm done. You'll have my full undivided attention for the night. I'm not getting anywhere right now anyways. But don't think I'm going to be one of your cookie elves Veronica. I still can't bake." Mac says smiling, more than ready to get into the spirit of things.

"Don't worry Q, I know better than to enlist you as an elf. Besides I think Logan has the ears for it." Veronica reaches up with her good hand to tweak his ears.

"I might have the ears, but you have the height for it." Logan smirks at her, leaning closer to whisper in her ear. Whatever he says, I don't want to know because she blushes slightly and gives him a soft shove.

Since we'll be cooking up a storm tomorrow, we decide to order some pizzas and get started on our movie marathon. Veronica falls asleep on Logan halfway through 'The Year Without a Santa Clause" and I watch them out of the side of my eye. He shifts to make her more comfortable, occasionally looking down at her sleeping face and kissing the top of her head. He looks happy.

Tomorrow we'll look into things some more, try to find out who our leak is, who this mystery woman is. Tonight, I'm just really enjoying having them all here. After a couple of movies, Mac, Wallace, and Dick decide to head out saying they'll be back in the morning.

"Are you staying the night?" I ask Logan, knowing it's not really a question. It probably would have been better if I had phrased it as are you staying in the guest room or should I expect to be able to use it for actual guests from now on. He looks at Veronica and then me, unsure.

"Can I?" He asks shly, understanding what I'm really asking.

I sigh, "Logan, there comes a time in every father's life when he has to realize that his little girl isn't so little anymore, that she's a grown woman capable of making her own choices. While a part of me will always want to believe that she's my innocent six year old in pigtails, I also am realistic. I know that the two of you have had an intimate relationship in the past and I imagine that this relationship you're entering into now will resume some of that intimacy. So while I'm not thrilled with the idea of you sharing my daughter's bed, I also know that the choice is not mine. I just ask that you at least allow me to pretend that all you've ever done is hold hands and possibly kiss a time or two."

Logan smiles. "I think we can do that. Keith, you have been so great to me, I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I just really need to be near her right now."

I get up from the chair and pat his arm. "I know and I think she needs the same."

Logan picks Veronica up, carrying her to her room. As he turns to the hallway, cradling her gently. He looks back at me and smiles more brightly than I've ever seen him. It's like a light is shining through his skin.

"I think this will be our best Christmas ever." He tells me confidently.

"Me too. Good night son."


	21. Dreams coming true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Enjoy the latest chapter. Please review and let me know what you think.

Logan

"Good night son." Keith says as I take Veronica back to her room. A room I'm going to be staying in with her tonight, with her father's permission. As I lay Veronica down and strip down to my boxers before getting in next to her, I think about how happy I am.

Growing up, I never really had the real family holiday experience. These past few years, spending Christmas with Keith, Mac, Wallace, and Dick is the closest I've ever come. It's always been amazing, but this year, having Veronica with me just makes it perfect. Keith calling me son, accepting me and my relationship with his daughter, the future I hope to have with her, I don't even know how to process that.

I lay down next to Veronica, pulling her close. She snuggles close to me, putting her head into my neck, murmuring nonsense and kissing me lightly. I lay there in blissful peace. All too soon, my mind starts to think about what we still face, the conversations we need to have, the decisions we'll need to make and most of all how our discussion with crazy Duncan is going to go. I'm also wracking my brain for who the mystery woman could be.

I try to get back to that peaceful feeling I had a few minutes ago, but my mind is racing now. I must tense without realizing it because Veronica shifts in my arms.

"Logan?" she whispers.

"It's okay, go back to sleep." I tell her.

"What's wrong?" She asks me, sensing my pensive mood.

"Nothing, just thinking. You need to rest, go back to sleep." I cajole her.

She leans up to look into my face. "No, tell me what's wrong." She says insistently.

"Nothing's wrong. I'm just thinking about how happy I am." She gives me a look that says she's not buying it. "I'm happier than I've ever been. You're here with me and we're going to give this another try, right?" I can't help the uncertainty in my voice, but she smiles shyly and nods.

"If you're so happy, why do you look so sad?" She asks, tracing her fingers over my cheeks.

I blow out a breath, trying to think how to explain. "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." I start to explain, but quickly realize by the look on her face that I'm obviously not doing a good job. "Every time I've been happy, something has happened to destroy it. I've learned not to trust it too much. Everything is perfect with us right now, but I know we still have things we need to discuss, past, present and future. I want to discuss that with you, but I'm also scared. And then we still have this craziness hanging around us, people trying to keep us apart." I shrug, not really sure how to continue.

She looks at me and smiles slightly "no one writes songs about the ones that are easy."

The phrase niggles at something in my brain. "the ones what?"

"The relationships. You really don't remember do you?" She asks sadly.

"Remember what?" I must be more tired than I thought because I am not keeping up with her conversation tonight. Normally, Veronica and I speak in a sort of short hand of pop culture and literary references. Maybe that's something that will come back to us over time.

"At Alterna-prom, your speech to me. The one that got me to come back the next day."

"You mean the one that resulted in me making a drunken booty call and losing out on even more time with you because of Kendall?" I ask bitterly.

"That would be the one." She answers simply. It's not her fault, I screwed up. That night was a classic example of me feeling rejected and abandoned and fucking everything up yet again through meaningless sex. I look up at the ceiling.

"So what did I say?" I ask, trying not to let myself go down that path of self-loathing.

"You told me that you thought our relationship was epic." She says smiling at the memory.

"Epic how?" I ask and she giggles. "What?"

"That's what I asked you. You said, 'spanning years, continents, lives ruined, bloodshed, epic.' I said ``do you really think a relationship should be that hard..." She trails off, lost in memory.

"No one writes songs about the ones that come easy. And you came back because of that?" I'm honestly confused. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship.

"What can I say? I was in highschool and it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me. It was you and me. I don't know." She looks at me closely.

"I think I'm glad I didn't know what I said. I can't believe I came up with that. I was really a drama queen back then." I laugh at myself.

"You really were." she laughs with me and it feels good. It feels like we're putting to rest another piece of our past. Emboldened by our conversation, I ask "you asked me what happens now earlier, what do you want to happen?"

"I don't know. I want to be with you, but wanting to be with you has never been the problem. It was the jealousy, the trust issues, the suspicions, the lack of communication that really did us in." She answers, turning away from me slightly.

"We're talking now." I point out.

"True and it's a good first step. I just don't know how we navigate when we go back to our day to day lives. I mean we were in the same city before and I couldn't stop myself from tracking you, worrying that you were going to cheat on me even though I know that you would never cheat." She looks at me in her last words, letting me see how much she believes that, believes in me.

"I'm not the same person I was. I know back then, I didn't help, I was so focused on trying to escape my life that I didn't even think about how my actions impacted you. I wanted you to be part of my life, but I didn't let you in mine. Taking off like I did for trips with Dick, not telling you. I see now how that wasn't going to make you trust me in the long term."

"I know you're not the same. I hope I'm not either. I trust you Logan. I just know that it's going to be hard, not seeing you every day, wondering what you're doing, thinking about the girls that swarm around you." She swallows. "Those are my issues though. I want to make this work, we just have to figure out how. I mean, I don't even know where you live really or what your schedule is like. Will we be able to see each other during the week or only on weekends?"

"I live in a condo by the bay about 15 minutes from the school right now." I can see her mapping it out in her head. San Francisco and Stanford are about 45 minutes away from each other, but San Francisco is a big city and I'm clear on the other side which is only going to add time to any trips between us. I don't think it's feasible to expect daily visits if the commute between us is over an hour and that's if traffic is good.

"I don't know your schedule either." I remind her. "I imagine that law school keeps you busy too."

She nods. "It does. So do we just talk on the phone and see each other when we can?" My whole body revolts at the idea of not being able to touch her on a daily basis. I've just gotten her back.

"I could move. We could move to someplace in between." I'm taking a chance here. We're not even officially back together, at least we haven't said it and I'm already asking her to move in with me. I've never lived with anyone other than Dick and I'm not sure he really counts. Still I've put it out there and all I can do now is see what she says.

"I have a lease." She starts, but I cut her off.

"So do I. But if we want this, I don't want us to worry about things like that. I'll buy us out of our leases."

"Can we decide later? See how it goes once we're back at school? Give ourselves some more time to get to know each other again?" She asks softly.

I knew it was a long shot, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I'm all in here. I nod, not trusting my voice to betray my disappointment.

"Logan, I'm not saying no, just give it some time. We go too fast, always. Two days ago we were talking about going slow in all aspects of our relationship and this morning we blew that out of the water." She says smirking, shifting her body closer to mine. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Well that's good, because the complaints department is closed at this time." I joke, trying to move us away from the topic at hand. The reminder of this morning before the Duncan drama is not one I want to have with her father down the hall from us.

She runs her hand up and down my chest and I moan, reaching for her hand to stop her. "Veronica, that isn't a good idea. Reminding me of this morning and then touching me like that. I've changed, but I'm still me and it's hard enough to just lie here with you as it is."

"Oh, is it hard?" She says, moving her leg over my hips and leaning up to kiss the corner of my mouth.

"You're going to kill me." I mutter, trying to calm my racing heart. She looks up at me innocently, subtly rubbing her leg over my erection.

"There are worse ways to die." she says. An image of Duncan pointing a gun at me runs through my head and I'm awash in the fear that I could have lost her earlier today.

"Fuck it" I say under my breath, leaning down to capture her lips with mine.

Our tongues tangle, and my hands sweep down her body to where her leg is draped over my lap. I pull her up to straddle me. She settles herself, careful to keep her weight off her bad arm. I run my hands over her thighs, thrusting up gently into her wetness. She gasps and grinds down on me.

"We have to be quiet." I whisper against her mouth. "I don't want your dad to hear us."

My mouth leaves hers to take one of her hard nipples in my mouth. She mewls and I shush her without taking my mouth away from her breast. I switch to the other, reveling in her gasps and groans. I sit up, wrapping my arms around her back, bending her slightly backwards so I can still taste her. I reach a hand down to slip into her folds, testing her readiness.

"You're so wet." I growl. I want to take my time this time, but I need to affirm that she's here, that she's mine. From the way she's reacting, whispering for me to hurry in my ear, I know she needs the same.

I lift her up and remove my boxers. As soon as my erection springs free, Veronica wraps her good hand around it, stroking lightly up and down. I can't help the groan that escapes me. I pull away from her hands and lay her back, looking down at her in awe. I slowly slide her panties down her legs, following its path with kisses.

"Logan, please, now, I need you now." she gasps, writhing under me. I promise myself that next time, we're going to go slow, I'm going to explore all of her. I align the head of my cock with her wet pussy and thrust in deeply. She's so tight and I pause to get control. "Please." she whimpers trying to use her legs to move herself on me.

I pull out slowly, savoring the feel of her inner muscles clenching around me, trying to keep me deeply inside her. I lean down and whisper in her ear. "I'm going to fuck you hard now." She growls and I swallow the sound with my mouth as I begin a punishing rhythm, Veronica meeting my every thrust. I angle my thrusts to simultaneously rub against her clit and hit her g-spot. She starts to shake and her inner muscles spasm around me. I keep kissing her, swallowing all the sounds she makes as she comes around me, squeezing my cock again and again.

It feels like heaven, like home. I pull back my mouth and look down at her face as she comes down from her high. I know I'm close, but I want her to come with me. I pull her legs from where they're wrapped around my waist and drape them over my shoulders, allowing me to go even deeper. I stare into her face as I continue to thrust into her, reaching down to touch her clit.

"Veronica, come with me, please, come with me." I'm so close, I pinch her clit and she trembles. "Please, come with me."

She gasps when I hit her g-spot again and I feel her orgasm slam through her, whispering my name. "Oh god, fuck, Veronica." I come hard slumping over her as I relish the feel of her aftershocks.

"Who's telling who to be quiet now?" She smirks at me as I try to get control of my breath.

"I couldn't help it. That was amazing. Every time with you is earth shattering to me." I tell her honestly. She looks shocked by my admission. I pull out of her and snuggle her into my side.

She yawns, sleepy in the afterglow, her head on my chest, an arm draped across my chest.

"I love you Logan." She whispers before sliding into sleep.

I kiss the top of her head and whisper back, "I love you." We're together, that's all that matters I tell myself before darkness claims me.

Veronica

I woke to the sight of Logan's chest, his arms curled around me. Everything feels surreal. For so many years, I denied that I loved this man, told myself that we were better off without each other, but now here we are. Facing another mystery together while trying to navigate being together.

I look past Logan to the clock on the side table, trying to determine how much time we have before our 9 o'clock appointment with Duncan. It's only 6:15, so we've got some time. What to do with that time?

I kiss Logan's chest, pulling one of his nipples into my mouth and biting down gently. He's still asleep but his arm tightens against me. God, I really just can't get enough of him. When I was sleeping with Duncan, if we had sex once a week, I was fine; less disappointment that way. But with Logan, when we were 19, I really couldn't get enough. It wasn't that unusual for us to have sex 3-4 times a night. It's only been a few days, but already I can feel that old intensity ramping up again. It doesn't hurt that his body is even better than it was then.

"Hmmm" Logan moans, shifting restlessly. "Veronica." Suddenly his eyes snap open, panic in them. I kiss my way up to his chin. "Logan." I am already rubbing against him, trying to create that delicious friction, just. where. I. need. it.

Logan stops my movement, staring up at me intently. "What, we have time?" I ask him, not clear why he's not all over me, especially when his body clearly wants what I'm offering.

He doesn't answer, but suddenly I'm on my back and he's inside me in a single smooth thrust. "Logaaaan." I groan. He continues to thrust, but it's like he's not really there. His body is doing everything it's supposed to and I can't help but feel myself getting closer and closer, but he seems frantic in a way I haven't seen him.

My orgasm crashes over me and my body bows under him, my legs digging deeper into his ass, fingernails in his shoulder. I feel the familiar swelling of his cock that tells me that he's going to come with me, but instead his thrusts speed up, becoming erratic.

"So close, I can't, I need..." He gasps into my neck. I grab his face and force him to look at me. It dawns on me, even as my mind is still focused on the aftershocks of my amazing orgasm and the realization that I'm rushing towards another one, that he thinks he's dreaming.

"I love you Logan." I kiss him then, pouring everything I feel into him. He comes then, his entire body shuddering in a way I've never seen before. Normally Logan's pretty vocal when he comes, but now his mouth is just open, silence reigning as his muscles tenses and shiver. The look of wonder in his eyes sets me off and I come again, moaning his name again and again.

When our breathing returns to normal, I ask him "what was that?"

He shakes his head, refusing to look at me. "I didn't hurt you did I?" he mumbles into my neck.

"God no, that was incredible, but you seemed off."

"I don't know. It's been so long since I woke up to someone and I've been dreaming of you for so many years, I think I thought it was all a dream, but it was an amazing dream. I didn't want to make it real in case it was really just a dream and I was going to wake alone, again." He rushes through the words, like he's afraid of my reaction.

"I think I got that. I think it's going to take us both some time to get used to being back in each other's lives, that it's not all something that we've dreamt up."

He nods, kissing me lightly. I look at the clock again just as I hear my dad shuffling around in the kitchen. Oh shit, how much of that did he hear? That's going to be awkward.

"I'd offer to share a shower with you, conserve resources and all, but I don't think my dad is quite ready for that." I tell him.

He smirks, but agrees that we are probably better with solo showers for now.

After we are both showered and dressed, we join my dad in the kitchen for some breakfast, going over our plan for today.

Logan

Sitting in the kitchen with Keith and Veronica, seems surreal. I still can't shake off the feeling I had this morning when I woke up to Veronica seducing me. I've never had a problem finishing, although I'm more a ladies first kind of guy, relishing seeing my partner achieve their pleasure rather than my own. This morning, though, I just couldn't go over, not until she said those three little words. I'm going to have to work on my reaction to those words otherwise it's going to lead to some embarrassing situations in the future.

I help clean up after breakfast and then we're heading to the police station. I don't relish having to look at crazy ass Duncan again, but we're hitting a dead end on our investigation. We know that someone else is involved, but not the capacity and Mac hasn't been able to locate the Mystery Woman.

Deputy Leo ( I can't think of him any other way) puts Veronica, Keith, and I into an interrogation room and says he'll bring Duncan in.

"Before I grab him, you should probably know that he's sort of out of it." He tells us from the doorway.

"He's batshit crazy, but out of it might be a nice way of saying it." I can't resist the jab at my former best friend.

Leo glares at me, Keith shakes his head in disapproval, and Veronica gives me a slight kick under the table that I answer with wide eyed innocence and my trademark smirk. "What like you weren't all thinking it too?" I ask them.

Leo leaves, closing the door behind him. The three of us sit silently, just waiting. I'm trying not to fidget, but my nerves are getting the best of me. I'm not sure I want to hear anymore from Duncan. His last words are still etched into my brain, particularly what he said about his own sister. I wonder, not for the first time, when he went over to the dark side that he once accused me of.

We're all lost in our own thoughts when the door bangs open. Standing in the doorway is a very pissed off Celeste Kane.


	22. It's not what you think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Enjoy the update. I wasn't really sure about this chapter. I knew where I wanted to go, but the characters were giving me a hard time. We're getting close to the end now. I think we'll have maybe two or three more chapters before I put an end to this story. I have some other stories rattling around in my head that I'd like to explore, but I know if I stop writing this one for even a minute it won't ever get finished. Please review and let me know what you think.

Veronica

"What did you do to my son?" She screams at us. Not giving us a chance to answer, she continues screaming. "You fucking people aren't content to have destroyed my family once, now you have to do it again. I won't let you get away with it, not again."

I have never seen the ice queen show this kind of emotion, not even when Duncan disappeared our junior year thinking he had killed his own sister. She seems like a completely different person than the one I once knew and judging from the look on Logan's face, he's just as surprised.

Only my dad is able to form any kind of response in the face of so much venom directed at us.

"Celeste, no one did anything to Duncan. He kidnapped Veronica, drugged her and Logan. He was trying to kidnap her again, had a gun on Logan and threatened to kill him. They are the victims here."

"Lies, all lies." She mutters, pacing in front of us. "Duncan was well away from Veronica. He's been back in the country for a couple of years. He's never even mentioned her. He couldn't have done all of this."

This is all getting weird, or rather weirder. If he didn't care about me, then why did he come after us, after me? Why was he proclaiming love for me all of a sudden.

Celeste is still pacing, muttering to herself, not really even aware that we're there anymore. "It must be her, she did this. Filled my boy's head with these thoughts. My baby boy isn't a killer. He's a sensitive soul."

"Maybe not directly, but he's definitely willing to have it done to avenge someone he loves." Logan says coldly to the once great ice queen. I look at him confused. I know he hates Duncan, but thinking that he's already killed? That's a new one. If it weren't for the events of yesterday, I would have said that Duncan wasn't capable of any violence, but that may be residual feelings from before.

He notices the look on my face, but shakes his head to let me know now isn't the time. Celeste fixes him with a glare. He stared back at her defiant. The standoff goes on for a few minutes.

"If you two are done trying to see who can out glare who, maybe we can get back to the matter at hand." My dad says to them. "Celeste, who are you talking about? You said something about a woman."

A light goes out in Celeste's eyes, it's like watching a balloon deflate right before our eyes. She sits down heavily in a chair, still glaring, but at least its no longer reserved solely for Logan.

"Four years ago, Duncan called me, scared, unsure what to do. He said Lily was sick and he needed help. I flew out to help my baby boy. They were living in Australia outside of Sydney. Lily had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of lymphoma. By the time she was diagnosed, she was already stage 4 and the cancer just ate up her little body. She died a few months after I arrived. Duncan was devastated. He lived for that little girl, she was everything to him. After the funeral, we started proceedings to allow him to come home. I couldn't leave him there by himself, not with how sad he was. I didn't know if I could trust him to be on his own." She pauses, her eyes cloudy with memory. It was clear that Duncan was not the only one devastated by the loss of a little girl. "We arranged everything quickly, money can do that and I brought Duncan home to Napa."

None of us can speak, transfixed by the tale. While Duncan had hurt me and Logan so much, it was still sad to hear of yet another loss so close to him in his young life. It didn't excuse what he did, but grief can bring out the worst in all of us. I look at Logan and I see that he's remembering his own loss and the things he did in his grief. I take his hand and he smiles slightly at me before squeezing mine.

"Duncan went to therapy. There weren't any pills this time, other than his epilepsy medicine. He refused to become a zombie again. He was doing better, becoming his old self. There was sadness, but he was getting to where he could live again. He started taking classes at Sonoma State University. He started dating again. Not once did he say anything about going back to Neptune or any of the people he left behind."

"Well obviously he did since he's here now and Dick said he saw him three years ago at the 09er." Logan points out harshly.

"Three years ago he did take off for a few days, but it was to clear his head. He traveled up the coast. He met a girl while he was traveling. She was attending UCLA. They did the long distance thing for a long time, but then he stopped visiting her. He was darker, more secretive when he was dating her. There was an edge to him that I had never seen to him, like he was angry all the time. He met that little gold digger Amy at school and now we're here."

"What was the previous girlfriend's name?" I ask, suspicious of the story. If Duncan came to town three years ago, about the same time I started to feel like someone was watching me, it could have been him still. It's too much of a coincidence that the first time I came back to town I went to the 09er with Mac and Parker and that same night I started to feel watched. I don't remember seeing Dick at the club that night but given our feelings about one another, it's possible he just avoided me, worried I might ask about Logan.

"Her name was Anna, or maybe Anya. I don't remember her last name. She was a nice enough girl, but not nearly good enough for my baby boy." Celeste says with a sneer.

"Was it Hannah?" Logan asks quietly.

"Yes that's it, Hannah." Celeste answers.

Logan looks stricken, like he's seen a ghost.

Hannah Griffith was a girl Logan dated our senior year of high school. I never asked him if he truly cared about her, but I know that he used her to get her father to drop his testimony against him when he was accused of murder. I was jealous when they dated, but I had given up my right to say anything, not really. I did accuse him of using her, but even I could see that he did actually care about her to some degree. She was there and gone before I could really register her existence. Apparently her relationship with Logan made quite the impression on her.

"Whose Hannah Logan?" My dad asks him, taking in the paleness of his face.

"A girl I dated in high school. It wasn't anything really, or I thought it wasn't." He answers, shamefaced.

"Celeste, was Duncan really in Napa with you and Amy when Mac called?" I ask.

"He was around. He said he had some stuff to take care of, but he wasn't gone long." Celeste answers, trying to be evasive because even she can see that it's too much of a coincidence that Duncan's long distance girlfriend has a connection to Logan.

"You will not speak to my son without a lawyer present. If anyone is to blame then it is clearly this Hannah person. She filled his head with crazy ideas, did god knows what to him. He was always different when he came back from a visit with her. He never said anything but I could see the darkness behind his eyes." Celeste pulls herself together walking to the door. She gives us one final haughty look and leaves with a final parting shot. "I always knew you would be the ruin of him. Like mother, like daughter."

I try not to let her words get to me. I'm nothing like my mother. Leo comes back in before any of us can talk.

"I'm sorry. She swept in here and started making all sorts of demands. I don't know how she knew you were here." He says.

"Its okay. So I guess we're not going to get an opportunity to talk to Duncan." My dad asks.

"That's the weird thing. She wanted to talk to you all first, but she actually wants you to talk to Duncan, as long as his lawyer is present. Insisted on it, in fact."

"Leo, was Duncan drug tested when he was brought in?" I ask, contemplating why Celeste would want us to talk to Duncan.

"I don't know, I can check." He says. "Let me get Duncan and his lawyer. Hopefully there won't be any more surprises." Looking at Logan who is still sitting there like someone turned him into a statue, I think 'no more surprises would be good.'

Logan

Hannah Griffith. Or as I usually called her in my head, Veronica 1.5. She was sweet like Veronica 1.0 before Lilly died, before Duncan dumped her without a word, before she was raped, not once but twice at a party of her friends. She also had a little edge to her like Veronica 2.0, but without all the trust and abandonment issues. At the time, she was a means to an end. However, I started to like her, I liked that she thought so much of me, especially when I didn't think much of myself.

I thought I knew who I was back then, knew the depths I was willing to sink to in order to survive. Hannah was a perfect example of this. I knew who she was and I targeted her to save my own ass. I could say that I was doing it to keep Veronica out of danger after that incident at the River Styx, but I was a selfish ass and I would have taken Veronica's help if I thought she could solve it in time. I saw an opportunity that played to my strengths and I took it. I used that sweet girl and then I let her go without another thought.

You can't help who you love and for me it's always been Veronica. Every other girl I've ever dated was just a placeholder for the one I truly love. Except for Hannah. Given enough time, I think I could have loved her. Maybe it wouldn't be the all consuming soulmate connection kind of love that I have with Veronica, but it could have been good. Who knows what would have changed if I had a consistent presence in my life that encouraged me, believed in me at that age.

But that's just stupidity or wishful thinking. I had that in Veronica. She believed in me, that's why I was always disappointing her. I wanted to be a better person for her, but I also wanted to live down to everyone else's expectations. I chafed at the love and belief she gave me, and didn't think I deserved it. I imagine it would have been the same with Hannah.

The depth of my feelings couldn't have been that great since the minute she was gone, sent to boarding school in Vermont, I returned to my obsession with Veronica, not that I had really ever let it go. Hannah did try to contact me after she left, she sent me letters, left voicemails, but I couldn't be bothered. I felt vaguely guilty about how I had used her and at the time it was better to just forget about her.

I can feel Veronica staring at me concerned, but I can't really think of anything to say to her right now, can't meet her eyes. This is all my fault. Somehow I've managed to hurt her again without even trying. It was something I did that started us down this path. No matter how much I try to change, I still manage to be a fuckup. She is better off without me.

We all sit in silence waiting for Duncan.

Leo brings him in, handcuffed, followed by a swanky looking lawyer who looks bored to be here. Leo attaches Duncan's handcuffs to the bar on the table ensuring our safety. He looks hard at me before leaving us alone.

I'm still in shock, my mind racing so I'm thankful when Keith takes the lead in questioning Duncan.

"Duncan, why now, why did you go after Veronica now?" He asks Duncan whose sitting there glowering.

"I couldn't let him ruin her again." Duncan answers like he's reading from a script. There's no emotion in his words now. It's no more than he said in the condo to me. He thinks that I'm the one who ruined her, that I turned her against him.

He never could take responsibility for his actions, the pussy. He was like that when we were kids too. I remember him breaking a vase in the Kane mansion and making me take the blame for it because he didn't want Mommy Dearest to think he would break her rules by playing soccer in the house. I wasn't even in the room when it happened, was out on the patio talking to Veronica actually. I got two broken ribs for that broken vase when Celeste told my dad that I had broken it. I've always wondered if he knew about the abuse despite my trying to hide it and now I'm wondering if he didn't orchestrate the whole thing to remind me why I couldn't be with Veronica.

"So you came back now to keep Logan from being with Veronica? Why didn't you talk to her before?" Keith persists.

Duncan looks confused for a minute, like he's trying to remember lines from a play. His lawyer whispers something in his ear and he shakes his head slightly and then smiles.

"I came back a few years ago. I was going to say something to Veronica when I saw her, but I saw how happy she seemed, like she'd finally moved on from everything in the past. I didn't want to bring back bad memories for her so I left it alone. I checked in on her from time to time when she was at school, but it was just the desire to ensure that she was still thriving, still happy. I had no desire to ever see Logan again."

"How does Hannah play into this? How did you meet her?" Veronica breaks in.

"I met Hannah the same night I saw you. She was at the club. I wasn't really in the mood for company, but she was sweet and funny. Something about her reminded me of you." Duncan answers honestly. "We started dating. She said she was from Vermont, but was going to school at UCLA. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I was so sad after Lily died and I couldn't seem to find the will to continue. Hannah helped me through that."

"Were you following Veronica? How did you know that she and Logan were even together? She had just gotten home, barely seen him." Keith continues his questioning, giving Veronica a look to keep her mouth shut.

"I wasn't following her. I checked in on her from time to time. One of the times I was checking on her, I saw her going into this therapists office…" Duncan trails off at a look from his lawyer.

"You hacked into his records didn't you?" Keith demands. Duncan nods his head, looking down at the table.

"I just wanted to know that she was okay, to see that she was moving back towards the girl she once was. I knew she wasn't with Logan anymore, but I wanted to make sure that she wasn't going to go back to him. He's never been good enough for her." Duncan says aggressively, obviously getting angry.

"Did Hannah know about these visits?" Keith asks.

"Not at first, but last year, she got suspicious and she followed me. She recognized Veronica from high school. She confronted me about it, asked me why I was still checking on her. I told her that she was an old friend and I was just looking out for her. She was pissed, but she let it go for the most part. She offered to join me on these trips." Duncan continues his story.

"During one of our trips to check on Veronica, we were at our hotel listening to Veronica's latest session with her therapist. When we heard Veronica talk about wanting to see Logan again, see if there was anything left there, I kind of lost it. I couldn't believe she would be going back to him after everything he did to her. Hannah agreed that we needed to do something to stop it. She said Logan..."Duncan trails off

"She said Logan what?" Veronica can't stop herself from asking; earning a glare from her father.

"She started raving about Logan Echolls and how he had ruined her life, her family. I didn't even know she knew who he was. She was a few years younger than us and they didn't date until after I had left. She was so angry at him. She said Veronica was like an addict when it came to Logan. She knew he was no good for her, but she couldn't quit him. She said we needed to do something to keep him from swooping in and destroying her again, probably leave her for dead like he did Lilly." Duncan's face is bright red and if looks could kill I'd be dead a thousand times over by now.

"Hannah said she'd help me; that she knew how evil Logan was. She said people like him didn't deserve any kind of happiness, especially not at the expense of a girl like Veronica. She made some calls and got a hold of some powder that she said could make people do what we wanted. I just wanted to save Veronica before she made a huge mistake." Duncan whines.

I can't listen to any more of this. I get up and leave the room with Veronica following me closely. Keith stays to continue interrogating Duncan. I lean up against a wall and try to get myself under control. This is my fault, all my fault. I brought this on her, she should hate me for bringing this kind of shit into her life again. She was happy before, she was safe and the second she sees me, all of my bad luck, shitty karma, whatever transfers to her.

"Logan" Veronica says softly, reaching for my hands. I flinch away. I don't deserve her touch right now.

"Logan Echolls, you look at me right now." She says firmly. I look at her.

"He's right. You should stay away from me. I'm no good for you." I tell her.

"Bullshit. You stop that shit right now. I'm not going to let anyone, not crazy ass Duncan Kane, not some preppy bitch that you dated for two seconds a million years ago, and especially not you, tell me who's good for me or not. I wasted so much time listening to everyone else's opinions of who you were instead of following my heart. I'm not doing it again. I may be an addict, but you, Logan Echolls, are very good for me. I'm not me without you." She practically shouts this at me and I can feel my resolve to walk away from her for her own good crumble. She looks so fierce as she yells at me and hot. Yeah, I'm a freak who is turned on when his super hot girlfriend yells at him. What can I say? I like strong women who know their minds.

I take her in my arms and hold her.

"So we know who the mystery woman is. Now I guess we just have to find her." I whisper into the top of her head.

"It's not going to be that easy. At this point, we just have the testimony of a crazy person that she was egging him on and got the drugs that were used. That's not a lot to convict someone on." Veronica reminds me.

"Then we find another way to make sure she's out of our lives." I tell her firmly. I pull her closer to me. I may not deserve her, but she's chosen me and I'm not going anywhere, not as long as she wants me.


	23. Find her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note - Hopefully you like it. Please review.

Veronica

Armed with a name to go along with our mystery woman, we begin the search to find her. It's Christmas Eve and I'd rather be curled up watching Christmas movies with my man after a feast, but we don't want her to slip away.

Logan and I stayed out in the hallway wrapped up in each other while my dad finished questioning Duncan. When he came out, he looked tired.

"Did he say anything else helpful?" Logan asked.

"He said that Hannah was going to keep trying. He said that they agreed it was for Veronica's own good. Hannah is apparently obsessed with making sure that Logan doesn't get his happily ever after." Keith says looking closely at Logan. "I don't know what you did to her, son, but she's definitely got it out for you."

He refuses to tell us any more saying that it's enough to know that she's just as crazy as Duncan. Just what we need, a crazy woman bent on destroying Logan with access to some mind controlling drugs.

At my dad's, Mac is pulling up everything she can find on Hannah and what she's been doing all these years. She checked for hotels under that name, but obviously Hannah wasn't dumb enough to use her real name when she knew what she and Duncan were doing was illegal. Of course, it couldn't be that easy. Nothing about what's been going on screams stupidity. This plan has been well thought out.

Logan is the one to point out that her connection to the drugs probably has something to do with her dad who was a patsy for the Fitzpatricks years ago. While its a valid point, I really hope that we don't need to deal with those meth addicts. I still have nightmares about the last time that I had a run in with Liam Fitzpatrick and how Logan saved me with a gun. I don't know if Logan ever figured out that the reason I was so upset was because I was scared for him. I don't think that's on my list to explain and discuss with him, but maybe he's owed an explanation. Of course now is not the time.

I chew on my nail as I think through everything that needs to be considered and how we're going to handle everything once we do find Hannah. Right now, there's no reason for the police to get involved since we have no proof that she's been involved beyond just listening to Duncan rant and rave. It's definitely a he said/she said situation. I'm not really sure how we'll get proof that she was the one who procured the drugs or that she was the mystery woman in the video with Logan.

Logan watches me as I watch Mac going through various search sites. I had tried giving her pointers but she finally gave me an exasperated sigh and told me to remember the business model. I took to just watching and thinking after that, not really contributing to the conversation. I know Logan is still feeling guilty about Hannah being involved. However, Duncan is obviously crazy so if it hadn't been Hannah helping him, who knows what he would have done.

"Veronica." Logan tries to get my attention. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I've apparently missed him calling my name softly several times.

"Hmm?" I respond, letting him know that I'm paying attention now.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks.

I shrug, not really sure how to explain the thoughts swirling in my head. I'm not purposefully trying to keep him out of my thoughts, but its a scary mess in my head right now.

Before he can try to pry me out of my contemplative mood, Mac lets out a small yell of triumph.

"Found her." Mac says smugly. "Well where she was staying anyways under an assumed name."

"Where?" Logan asks, looking over her shoulder.

"Neptune Grande, penthouse suite, where Dick and Logan used to live." She answers promptly. "Last seen entering about an hour ago. I haven't found any evidence that she's not still there and I'm tapped into their security feed watching all the elevators and exits."

"What name is she using?" I ask. The Grande is pretty high profile and staying in Logan's old suite seems like she's trying to be found. Alarm bells are going off in my head, but I can't really pinpoint why.

"Hannah Echolls" Mac says, looking at Logan. Logan's mouth drops.

"But she hates me. Why would she be using my name?" He asks.

"Something that you can ask her when we confront her at the Grande." I tell him.

"I don't think you should come. Your dad can come with me. Or Dick." Logan says.

I shake my head. I thought we already discussed that we were going to be in this together. I'm not going to be shoved to the side, not on this.

"I'm not being left behind. You're not doing this on your own Logan." I say firmly, leaving him no option.

Logan frowns, but nods. I can tell he's not happy by the tense set of his shoulders, but at least he doesn't continue to protest. I loop my good arm around his waist and give him a slight squeeze, letting him know that I appreciate his concerns. At least I hope he takes it as that.

"So let's go. I don't want to lose her again. The sooner that we confront her the sooner that we can hopefully put this to rest and get back to our holiday celebrations." My dad says, subtly letting Logan and I know that we're not going ot be doing this alone.

"I'll drive." Logan says, radiating tension.

Logan

I really don't want to have Veronica along for this discussion. Duncan said that Hannah hated me, was in this for protecting Veronica from me since I was the epitome of evil, but that doesn't seem to jive with her using my last name. I have a bad feeling about all of this and my protective instincts are raised. I just got Veronica back, I don't want anything or anyone to jeopardize our ability to move forward.

More than anything, I just want to put this behind us and spend our holiday together. While I didn't know what would happen between us, when I knew she would be home and I might have a chance to see her, I bought her a gift. It was probably wildly optimistic on my part considering what I bought her. Veronica is a simple woman and she has been clear that she has no interest in my money. Still, I just wanted to have something to let her know that I hoped for a chance in the future. Hopefully the simple bracelet I got her with a key conveys what I'm going for. She's always had the key to my heart, I just hope that this time she'll use it and safeguard it.

But before I can do that, I need to go deal with an ex girlfriend who may or may not be a danger to Veronica. When I knew her, Hannah was a sweet girl who believed that I was more than the reputation. I felt like she saw beneath my mask and saw the man I could become even at 17. I will always be grateful to her for that, even if she wasn't ever going to be the one for me since my heart was fully spoken for since that day at the Camelot. Hananh and I never had a chance to consummate our relationship since her father took her away before things went too far.

I felt guilty for using her the way that I did, but I thought she had forgiven me for that. Her emails and voicemails after she left definitely make me think that she was nursing a bitterness against me, but who knows what's happened to her in the intervening years.

"Mac, what else did you find out about Hannah?" I ask as Veronica goes to get her bag from her room.

"Not a whole lot. She left Neptun and was enrolled in an all girls boarding school in Vermont which we already knew. It looks like the school was less of a boarding school and more of a home for troubled girls. The website has a lot of information about their disciplinary methods and how they guarantee to put your daughter on the right track." Mac makes a distasteful face at us.

"Maybe I should have sent you there." Keith jokes to Veronica.

"I don't think that's the kind of path you would have wanted for Veronica." Mac says. "From what I can tell, their methods included aversion therapy, isolation, and there's rumors of beatings with a strong religious bent though I can't really tell what religion they're pulling for."

I think of sweet, innocent Hannah in a place like that. They would have stamped out what little spirit she had.

"Hannah graduated and started attending UCLA, studying poli-sci two years ago. Her grades are good, doesn't seem like there's been any significant relationships since she dated Logan during our senior year of high school. Not surprising with her attending an all girl's school." Mac pauses, pulling up another screen. "Her mother moved out of Neptune a few months after Hannah was shipped off. It looks like she moved east to be closer to her daughter, but she passed away about three years ago. It says it was a car accident"

"What about her father, Tom Griffith?" Veronica asks. "He was the one who shipped Hannah off and the one to accuse Logan at the request of the Fitzpatricks."

"Dr. Thomas Griffith, plastic surgeon, coke addict. He died two years ago, overdose, right after Hannah graduated, but before she was accepted to UCLA. Somehow he managed to wrest full custody of Hannah from her mother after she was sent to boarding school, claiming that under her custody Hannah was subject to undesirable influences." Mac looks at me, sheepishly.

"Yeah, that's me, undesirable." I try to smile, but everyone can tell that its forced. I guess that still hits a little too close to the truth for me. Veronica takes my hand and squeezes it, reminding me that I'm desired by someone, the right someone.

"Dr. Griffith refused to let Hannah leave for more than a few days at a time and he never allowed her to come back to California. I think that's why her mother moved out there, so she could see her daughter when she was able."

I feel an overwhelming sadness for Hannah. She didn't do anything wrong except like me, but she spent a few years in a veritable prison because of it. She must have been so lonely and scared. I could see how that could manifest as hating me and feeling that I was what ruined her life. I think I've got a clear enough picture at this point and time is wasting.

As if she's reading my thoughts, Veronica says "thanks Mac. I think that's enough for now. I'd like to go find Hannah and find out what she's planning so we can stop it. Then I'd like to come back here and watch A Christmas Story like a normal person."

"I think we can make that happen." I kiss the top of her head, smiling at how she still holds onto silly traditions. I really want tonight, with her.

It's decided that Veronica and I will go to the Grande while Keith, Mac, Wallace and Dick hold down the fort and prepare for our evening. I drive the three of us to my old home, feeling both nostalgic and sad about returning. Since I moved out all those years ago, I have not been back. There's too many memories there. It was the sight of the first time Veronica and I made love. It was also the site where I had to witness her kissing another boy, moving on from me. Finally it was where she told me that I was out of her life forever.

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. That was our relationship in a nutshell. Is that what we are signing up for again? Can we really make this work when there's still all this baggage between us? Doubt is starting to creep in, brought on by the memory of a young girl that I apparently destroyed. It's what I do best, hurting those I care about.

I follow Veronica silently as we walk through the lobby that is much the same as it was the last time I was there. We walk to the elevator and the door opens, showing a lighted tree motif on the back wall. How many times did I ride in this elevator with Veronica? Sometimes, we were enemies and sometimes we were together. Veronica senses my mood, probably assailed by a lot of the same memories that I am. She smiles at me and I take a deep breath. We can do this. We can make it through this together.

Standing in front of the doors to the room that was my home for the better part of two years, I feel a chill go down my back. Veronica reaches out and knocks on the door. We wait for a few seconds, shifting nervously. Finally, the door opens and Hannah Griffith stands there, still blonde, still cute. I take a step forward, crossing the threshold into the suite.

Hannah looks at the three of us and her eyes return to me. Her face breaks out into a huge smile. "Logan, I knew you'd come."

Before I can say anything she launches herself at me and kisses me. I have a fleeting thought that Veronica is going to be mad before I feel a pain bloom in my head before darkness takes me.


	24. Soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note- I hope you enjoy the chapter. Please review, let me know what you think.

Veronica

For the second time in 48 hours I find myself facing someone holding a gun; someone clearly unhinged.

When Hannah sees Logan, she smiles and launches herself at him before anyone can react. I feel jealousy rear its head when she kisses my Logan. Before I can rip her off of him, she pulls a gun from behind her back and hits him in the head hard. Logan drops to the ground.

"You bitch." I scream at her, rushing her. Hannah raises the gun threateningly and I stop.

"I wouldn't do that Veronica Mars. I'm doing you a favor here." Hannah taunts me, holding my arm to keep me away from Logan. Logan is still laying on the ground and I wrench my arm free to lean over him. "He's fine. Why don't we have your friend put him on the couch and you and I can have a little chat."

Logan is still laying on the floor. While he's unconscious, he doesn't look too bad. A little pale, but his breathing is even. I look at Leo D'Amato trying not to let my fear show though I'm beyond terrified now. Leo nods and grabs Logan under the armpits and drags him to the couch. He lays him out and checks the bump on his head.

Flashback

It's decided that Veronica and I will go to the Grande while Keith, Mac, Wallace and Dick hold down the fort and prepare for our evening. My dad didn't agree willingly to Logan and I going on our own, but he thinks that his presence won't fix our problem of no evidence. Instead he comes up with the idea to have Leo join us wearing a wire so he can have legally obtained evidence to take action against Hannah if it proves that she is behind all of this.

Logan and I picked Leo up, dressed in plain clothes, on our way to the Grande. The plan is to tell Hannah that he's our bodyguard if she asks. It would not be outside the realm of reason for us to have hired a bodyguard given all that's happened recently.

End Flashback

I follow behind keeping an eye on Hannah. Hannah shuts the door behind us and pulls the safety lock. "So we're not interrupted," she says.

"Please sit down both of you. Logan will be out for a little while and I want to be sure that we have our talk before he wakes up." Hannah gestures to a chair by the couch. I sit, unsure what she wants. Leo sits in the chair next to me at Hannah's direction

Hannah takes a seat across from me, her back to the couch, keeping the gun trained on me at all times.

"You wanted to talk, so talk." I grit out at her, trying to stay calm. Why did Logan and I come? We knew she was a threat, but I don't think any of us considered that she might have weapons other than the scopolamine. I've been out of the game for so long I'm making lousy decisions, decisions that could hurt people yet again.

Hannah continues to look at me, smiling slightly. "You're very pretty." she says, disappointment coloring her statement. "I guess I knew that, but I had forgotten how pretty you really are. It's easy to see why Duncan and Logan were both so enamored of you."

"Ummm, thank you? Is that why you came here? To tell me that you think I'm pretty after you've attacked my boyfriend?" Sarcasm apparent in my every word.

"No, I wanted to make sure that you don't make a mistake. That you don't stay with Logan. I couldn't care less if you and Duncan decide to make a go of it again." Hannah answers my sarcasm with simple honesty.

"So you're doing this to save me?" I ask. "Is that why you're renting this room using his name?"

"No, because Logan deserves someone who can understand him. I saw how you treated him in high school. The two of you are toxic for one another. He would have been happier with me. When I met Duncan, I realized that he still thought of you as his one true love. He tried to keep quiet about it, but I could tell that he was keeping track of you. Over time, I realized that he was waiting for you to become the person you were before Lilly died, that sweet innocent girl that he thought was perfect."

"Yeah, Duncan is a crazy stalker. He's delusional. That's not news. What I want to know is why you helped him." I interrupt her evil soliloquy.

"Duncan hacked into your therapist's accounts to find out how close you were to becoming the woman he knew, but instead he found out that you were doing it all to get back to Logan. I told him that we had to save you. He was willing to do anything. It was easy to convince him to drug you and try to place suggestions when you were in a malleable state."

"Again, all things I know. I get why Duncan was doing this. He hates Logan because he thinks he corrupted me. He's delusional and doesn't realize that he did way more to change me than Logan ever did. All of that still does not explain why you are sitting here in the Neptune Grande, using Logan's last name, trying to "save" me, and just attacked the love of my life. So I ask you again, why are you doing this?" I'm beyond angry at this point. Leo shakes his head from his place by Logan's head, subtly telling me not to piss off the woman holding a gun on me. As I look at him, I notice a small smirk on Logan's face. He's not asleep anymore

"Because he's mine. You stole him from me, mistreated him, lied to him. We were in love, but when I went away to school, you dragged him back into your web, kept him from me. I was left to rot in that school but I knew a time would come when I would be able to get back to him. But finally, after I got rid of all of my obstacles, I thought you were out of his life. I had come home to find him. When I found him, he was staring at you. I realized that he was still hung up on you. I saw him watching you in Java the Hut, I saw how just looking at you affected him. I knew that I needed to keep you away. If you came back, I wouldn't have any chance. I figured I'd give him time to get over you, but then Duncan found out that you were coming back to him."

"What obstacles?" I ask because, while her whole story is pretty much cray-cray, it was that part of removing obstacles that sends a chill down my spine. This woman isn't just delusional, she reminds me of Beaver, that quiet evil that you don't see coming.

"Well my mom didn't think Logan was a good guy. She thought he was a bad influence, thought he was the reason that she lost custody of me. I couldn't have her going around maligning the man I loved. Since she wouldn't stop trying to get me to let go of him, she had to go. A simple cut of a breakline during a storm and mommy dearest's nagging was no more. She didn't understand how Logan and I were fated for each other."

Criminal mastermind this woman wasn't. She's telling us everything that she did. It dawns on me that she's only telling us all this because I'm not walking out of here alive, not if she has her way. Though if she thinks that Logan will stay with her after she eliminates me and Leo, she must not know him. Or else she has something else planned.

Stalling for time, I continue encouraging her to share what she's done. "And your father?"

"He tore me away from Logan. He was the coke addict, the one working with the Fitzgeralds, but he thought Logan was the bad one. He couldn't see the gentle soul that Logan had. He left me to rot in that school even after I told them how they treated me. He ruined my life." Hannah snarls. "He was easy to get rid of. I convinced him to let me come visit after mom died. The bastard wasn't even trying to hide his association with Liam Fitzpatrick at that point. Liam was easy to convince that he was a liability and needed to be gotten rid of."

"That's not an easy feat to convince Liam of anything." I muse.

"Oh, you'd be surprised what a guy will promise when you're riding his cock." She smiles. "Liam was the one to tell me about scopolamine, said it could make anyone do anything. I used it on him to convince him dad had to go. A bad batch of coke and daddy was out of the picture and I was finally free. But Logan wasn't ready. I knew he would need time to persuade and then I met Duncan. It all seemed perfect. I would just make sure that you never would come back to him and then Logan would finally move on and I would be there. And if he didn't see things my way, well I had ways of convincing him." She shrugs.

"Wow, drugging a guy to be with you. That's a whole new level of sick." I snarl at her.

"No, what's sick is Logan's obsession with you. I saw how you treated him in high school. You were always such a bitch. He was a sad boy and you just kept digging the knife in over and over again. You couldn't see how he was trying, you just thought the worst of him. You even gave him shit about dating me because you couldn't believe that he could like me for me rather than for some nefarious reason. Once I'm done, Logan will see things my way and you won't ever interfere again."

"How are you going to live out this fantasy ever after when you've got two dead bodies?" Leo speaks up.

"Oh, that's easy. I'm not going to kill either of you. You are. See, you killed Veronica and then yourself when you couldn't get her away from Logan. A crime of passion, open, close." Hannah says, smugly pulling some powder out of her pocket.

Logan

I've been listening to the whole conversation. Hannah has definitely thought this whole thing through. Bringing Leo along was supposed to be insurance for us, but instead we just handed her the perfect way to keep herself clean on all of this. With that stupid drug, she doesn't even have to do it here. She just needs to drug them and tell them to go somewhere else to die.

It's taking all of my self-control to not take action, but I know Veronica has been taunting Hannah into telling them everything. My girl believes that it's better to get the evidence rather than give the villain a chance to get away. She's all about justice. Just one of the many things that I love about her.

I've had my eyes open slightly watching everything, waiting for an opportunity. When Hannah pulls out a baggie of white powder, I know I have to do something, but there's still a gun to consider. I sit up silently, careful not to alert Hannah to the fact that I'm awake.

Veronica's eyes widen slightly but she doesn't give anything away to Hannah. I'm going to have to move fast. I keep an eye on the hand still holding the gun while watching Hannah finger the bag of powder. She's going to have to put the gun down if she's going to blow that shit in Leo and Veronica's face. That's going to be my chance.

Just as I expected, Hannah lays the gun down in her lap, keeping it still pointing at Veronica, ready to pick it up at a moment's notice if Leo or Veronica make a move. Hannah leans forward, already blowing the powder at them and I move lightning fast, knocking the gun away where it lands at Veronica's feet. I snatch the bag of powder as well, but it's too late.

Veronica has gone slack, her eyes vacant like she's a doll. I glance at Leo and see the same blank look on his face.

Hannah screeches, turning towards me. She lunges for the powder on the floor, hands scrabbling to get some of the powder. I push Hannah away before she can get any. I pull her up from the floor securing her arms behind her back.

"Noooooo, Logan how could you? You're ruining everything. She doesn't love you. I have always loved you." Hannah cries at me as I use my belt to tie her hands together, throwing her on the couch.

"You were once a sweet girl and I liked you, but Hannah, Veronica is the love of my life. I didn't choose her over you cause there was no choice. I've always been hers and I will always be hers."

"She loves you? Really? I think we need to put that to the test." Hannah growls at me. Before I can say anything she turns to look at Veronica. "Veronica, grab that gun and kill Logan. If I can't have you then no one will."

I watch in horror as Veronica leans down and picks up the gun and points it at my head.

"Bobcat, please, you're not a killer. It's me." I plead with Veronica, holding my hands in front of me. Her face is blank and she steadies the gun in her hands.

"Veronica, this is the guy who hurt you again and again. He slept with Madison to hurt you, he blamed you for Lilly's death, he caused your rape. You hate him." Hannah says from behind me, egging Veronica on.

I take a step towards Veronica talking the entire time. "I love you, please don't do this. I love you." Veronica's face is still blank but I see something flicker in her eyes. "Remember our plan, you and me together, our happily ever after. Please we've worked so hard to get back to each other. I love you."

The gun drops, no longer pointed at my head but still able to do quite a bit of damage if she pulls the trigger. I take another step towards her. I reach out a hand to touch her, hoping that our connection gets through to her. I feel that frisson of electricity when our skin touches, that tangible proof that she is it for me.

"Logan?" Veronica's voice is shaky, like she's fighting something to trying to take her over.

"Yes, it's me baby. Veronica, give me the gun. You don't want to kill me." The hand holding the gun is shaking, but she hasn't let go.

"You can't fight it Veronica. Kill him. He's the one who ruined your life, you hate him." Hannah continues spilling vitriol.

Veronica shakes her head, and I reach for the gun, gently taking it out of her hand. Without it, she sags and I catch her before she falls. I hold her tightly, trying to calm the trembling I feel running through her.

"It's okay baby, I love you." I tell her over and over again.

"No, it's not possible. No one can resist that drug." Hannah cries.

"Veronica isn't just anyone. She's my" I start to say, but am interrupted by Veronica.

"Soulmate. We're soulmates. Our connection is beyond understanding." Veronica whispers, head resting on my chest. I look down into her face, the drug still has her in its grip, but there's something of her in her eyes when she looks up at me. I lean down to kiss her softly.

"Soulmates." I agree. I never thought such a thing was possible, but how else do you explain the impossible connection between us? There's something that runs deep between us.

Hannah is crying now. I feel bad for how broken she seems but anyone who thinks they can come between Veronica and I is a special kind of crazy. I look over at Leo, but he's still blank and I feel uncomfortable giving him orders. Keeping Veronica in my arms and an eye of Hannah, I pull my cell out of my pocket and hit speed dial 2.

"Keith, can you come and bring the police?" I say into the phone. Glancing at Leo again, I add "and maybe an ambulance? Leo and Veronica were drugged but no one is hurt otherwise."

I hang up the phone breathing a sigh of relief. I'll let the cops deal with Hannah, Leo's recording should take care of everything. It's all over.


	25. Celebrating Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Just a short chapter here. We're headed into the finish line and this is just a little set up for the last part of the story. I really appreciate the support and reviews you've all given me along the way. Enjoy this chapter and please review. Thanks.

Logan

By the time I finish my statement to the police, Hannah's taken into custody with no chance of bail (Guess I'll have to send Celeste Kane a thank you note), and Leo and Veronica have been treated at the hospital, it's beyond late. There is no way to salvage our Christmas Eve, especially since it's now early Christmas morning. Veronica is exhausted, the effects of the drug taking its sweet time to work its way out of her system. Leo was kept at the hospital since he lives alone and its too dangerous to let him wander around without supervision while in the grips of this drug.

As it is I have to be very careful of what I say to Veronica, not wanting to take away her free will any more than it has been. For the most part she's eerily silent while I put her to bed in our room. While she responds to my voice, there's still that doll like quality to her face. It looks like Veronica, sounds like Veronica, but no one is really home.

After she's asleep, I join Keith in the living room where our friends have been anxiously waiting to hear the whole story. Keith is just finishing telling them what he knows when I take a seat on the couch and run my hands over my face. I'm so tired, but I want this over with so maybe we can salvage something of the holiday.

"So Hannah has been crushing on Logan for the past five years and went homicidally crazy to get him?" Dick sums up the entire story in a way only he can.

"That's about the gist of it." I answer.

"I've done research on the drug Hannah and Duncan were using. Everything I've found says that people under the influence cannot countermand any orders given." Mac says, looking at me closely. I shrug cause she would know better than me. "So what I don't get is how you got her to not point the gun at you."

"I just...I asked her to give it to me." I don't really understand it either. It's not really something that I can put into words, this connection between us. Veronica is the other half of my being, without her I'm not whole. It's like she said, we're soulmates. We recognize each other and what we mean to one another on a cellular level.

Mac gives me one of her penetrating stares, but doesn't pursue the topic. That woman is too smart for her own good.

"Well this was definitely one of our more eventful Christmas eves. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm wiped. I think I'm going to just head back to my apartment and get a few hours of sleep before we have to be at Mac's parents house." Wallace says. "Maybe we could do our Christmas Eve after that?"

"I think that's a good idea. Why doesn't everyone get some sleep and we can come back here after Mac's parents' house and do our celebration." Keith says.

In a few short minutes, Dick, Mac, and Wallace are gone, leaving Keith and I alone in the living room. He gives me a hug before heading off to bed himself. I'm still worried about accidentally saying something or doing something with Veronica that she's not in control of. So instead of joining her in what I already consider our room, I go to the guest room I've slept in for the past few years. It feels strange to be laying here with Veronica a few feet away, after everything we've shared the past few days, and not being able to hold her. I toss and turn despite my exhaustion, my body craving her warmth curled up into me, but knowing I can't trust myself.

We were supposed to be taking things slowly, but that ship has definitely sailed. I'm ready to be with her, I want to be with her. I just don't want her to be with me because yet again something crazy has happened and we're the only ones who can understand it. My mind is in turmoil, wanting her so much but also scared. We only bloom in adversity, how can we survive the day to day?

Finally, I make a decision. Today, I will just enjoy being with her, finally having the opportunity to spend a holiday with her, to see the look on her face when she opens gifts; hear her stupid joke about everything being a pony. I will savor it, even if it can't last.

But tomorrow, tomorrow we'll have it out, I tell myself. We're going to discuss the hard stuff and decide where we go from there. I'm not going to let myself think that just because we've been more open or that we've had amazing sex that everything is perfect between us. I'm not even going to cling to the fact that even drugged Veronica called me her soulmate. I know in my heart that it's true, but that was true four years ago as well and it didn't save us from ourselves. We're not the same people, but will we like the people we are now?

As much as it pains me, I'm going to have to keep my hands off her until we can make those decisions.

My mind made up, a path in front of me, hopefully to our happy ending, I slip into sleep dreaming of Veronica dressed in a naughty elf costume. Yum.

Veronica

Logan seems off. I can't quite pinpoint what it is, but it's like he is trying to stay right by me but avoid me at the same time. When I woke up, thankfully fully in complete control of myself again, but with minimal memories after Hannah blew that awful shit in my face, I felt such peace. The parts I do remember were Logan, being there. I remember the word soulmates and I'm pretty sure that it came out of my mouth. I want to ask him about it, but we haven't had any time alone and it seems like he's making sure that we don't have any either. I just don't get it. I thought we were past this emotionally evasive shit. Yet here we are and Logan seems off.

I try not to let it bother me. I know from my dad that I pointed a gun at Logan's head, that Hannah told me to shoot him, but I didn't. I would never harm Logan. I have to believe that he believes that.

Instead of dwelling, I focus on our holiday celebration. I feel a little weird going to Mac's parents house for a late lunch, the conversation kind of going over my head since it's filled with private jokes and references to holidays past. Still, I have a good time. Even though he's being strange, Logan was still right there when I needed him, giving me that smile that he always reserves for me, the one that makes me believe that we have a chance.

When we get back to my dad's house, everyone goes into hyperdrive, setting things up for the night we should have had yesterday. A Christmas Story is playing on the tv while we sip hot cocoa after having eaten ourselves silly for the second time that day. Gifts have been exchanged and I feel ashamed that I didn't get Logan anything, especially when he bought me the most perfect gift. The bracelet is silver with a simple key charm. As we sit watching the movie, I stare at my wrist, remembering the love in his eyes when he put it on me.

That's when it hits me, putting the bracelet on was the one and only time Logan has touched me today. Even watching the movie, he's sitting stiffly keeping his body away from mine. I have unconsciously been mirroring his body language and there's been a slight space between us all night.

This isn't what I wanted. I wanted us to move closer towards each other, not be pulled apart yet again. I have tried not to dwell on it, but now my mind is racing. What's going on with him? Why is he pulling away from me? Did I say something when I was drugged? He has to know that anything I said was because of the drug. Echoes of the word soulmate keep running through my head. Well if I did say that, then it wasn't the drug cause that was all me. I'm finally ready to admit to myself and to him that we are bound together. Our past means nothing to me now, not if it's going to hamper our future.

When Mac, Wallace, and Dick get up to leave, Logan looks at me for a long minute before saying "I'm going to head out too. Give you and your dad some time to yourselves."

I can't think what to say. I don't want him to leave, but how can I stop him. I tell myself to calm down, I might be reading too much into this. Logan hasn't been home in days. He probably just wants to sleep in his own bed, get some clean clothes.

"Okay. You probably have some stuff you need to do." I try not to sound like I'm on the verge of crying, but I don't know if I succeed.

Logan fies me with one of his intense stares, trying to read my thoughts. Finally he sighs.

"I need to think through some stuff. Can we talk tomorrow, just the two of us?" He asks.

"Sure, I don't have any plans and I'm not expecting to be kidnapped for at least another week or so." I quip, trying to lighten the mood. Logan smiles sadly. "Too soon?"

"Always."

"Tomorrow is good. Why don't you text me in the morning and we can figure out some plans." I smile to let him know I trust him.

He nods and seems to debate something within himself before leaning and kissing me lightly on the lips. Before I can try to deepen the kiss, he's pulled back and is backing away from me. I notice that his breathing seems harsh and his hands are balled into fists. I don't know why he's being distant, but it definitely isn't because he's not still interested in me.

"Tomorrow, Veronica. Get some sleep." He says as he walks to the door. He opens it and turns to look at me one more time before leaving. "Oh, and bring your list."

Well shit.


	26. The Lists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Sorry for the super short chapter. The next one will be much longer by necessity but I wanted to get an update out.

Logan

I feel terrible for how I left things with Veronica tonight. I know that she was feeling the distance I put between us, but it wasn't the time to tell her everything that was running through my head. I'm trying to be the good guy here, give her an out if she needs it. She's already told me that she's not sure about how we'll make this work when we're an hour apart from one another when we couldn't make it work when we were only a few minutes from each other. Besides, I'm feeling very insecure that what she feels for me is true. How do I know that it's not just some adrenaline high considering all the danger we've been in.

I lay in bed for hours trying to calm my thoughts. Finally at 3 in the morning, I get up and go into my closet. In the back is a box, my Veronica box. Inside are pictures from our previous attempts at a relationship, mementos, etc. It's also where I keep the journal I started keeping when I was in rehab. It's not a traditional journal, it's really my list. My reasons for why it didn't work for us, what I did wrong, what she did wrong. Each section has a heading and my jumbled thoughts on all of it, trying to make sense.

I flip through it briefly, reminding myself of all the things that we still need to address and trying to assure myself that there are many things that have been already in a relatively short period of time.

Duncan - my ex-best friend, the guy she left me for in senior year leaving me to wallow in my own self-destruction. One of her rapists, her first love, Lilly's brother. So much was wrapped up in Duncan. She said she was over him, that she saw him for who he was, but I still don't fully understand why she didn't see it sooner.

I pause, looking over my own thoughts written so long ago and with such bitterness. I always thought I would never live up to him, that she only chose me because she couldn't have him. Now I know that's not true, but it did always seem like she was trying to find someone just like him leading me to believe that I was never going to be enough. I guess the question is whether or not it's worth actually bringing this up again tomorrow.

I shake my head, he's in prison and even if he gets out, he's never getting near her again. She doesn't want him in her life. I think it's time for me to let go of my fears as it regards Duncan.

Running away - that's what Veronica Mars does. When things get to be too overwhelming, she doesn't stay and fight, she just runs away. Sometimes she says she needs to do whatever, but sometimes it's just you're out of my life forever. How can he trust that she truly loves him when she's run away from him for some of the dumbest shit on the face of the planet.

Compartmentalizing - Veronica puts everyone into labeled boxes and doesn't let them mingle. In the past that's just made him feel like he was her dirty little secret, like she was ashamed to be with him.

It's on his list, but the way she's been since they've seen each other doesn't seem like that's part of her repertoire any longer. Still, you never know if she might start doing it again. He can't survive being shoved back into a box. He wanted a life with this woman, not be her booty call.

Honesty - this was both of our faults. She didn't tell me things because she didn't want me involved, but I also kept things from her. She gave me a perfect opportunity to come clean about Madison and instead I hid it. I didn't realize it at the time, but my need to hide any perceived misdoings stems from the fear I lived with my father. I knew what Veronica had been through, I knew how much she valued the truth and instead I hid things from her. I was vague, I gave her reason to be concerned. Even knowing the reasons for why I did it doesn't excuse it. How could I expect her to trust me when I gave her no indication that I was worth of her trust.

This one is definitely something that we will have to discuss. I haven't done anything recently that I would be ashamed to tell her, but I can't say that I wouldn't do something in the future. I need to face the need for complete honesty. We've talked about this somewhat but it can't be ignored.

The list goes on, my need for her trust. My sexual history, our communication, asking for what I need, my reaction to that fucking video, understanding why everyone cheats on me, the need for actions to speak louder than words, her impossible standards, forgiveness for the past, not just lip service, but true forgiveness, and finally Lilly.

This is going to be one hell of a discussion and I'm not sure how to really start it. A part of me is terrified that if I do, I'll lose her again (see re: running away). I can't bear the thought of losing her, not now, not ever. I need her in my life, I've lived too long without her. I can only hope that she's feeling the same way and is willing to work through this with me.

Veronica

After Logan left, I pulled out the list I've been carrying around for several years. I cross a few things off that I think we've managed to cover, but the list is still fairly long.

Lilly, Logan's ability to move on so quickly, my lack of trust for him, his inability to fight for our relationship, sex, his ability to validate my fears of losing those I love, how I could never ask for what I needed, the way he never seemed to claim me except to other men, his overprotectiveness of me, the keeping of secrets.

I'm not sure how this conversation will go. I can feel all my walls coming up just thinking through talking about some of these topics. Lilly was Logan's first love. I highly doubt that he sees her in the same manipulative light that I do.

The question I ask myself is are we ready to let go of the past, learn from our mistakes and move forward into a future with one another? Am I ready to be apart from him?

I lay in the dark, thinking about the past few years and how they compare to the past few days. I can see that I've been going through the motions, pretending to be happy, but really there's been a hole all this time. Even when I dated other men, I couldn't shake that feeling that Logan wouldn't approve. He's my oldest friend and the only man I've ever truly loved. I'm not willing to give him up. I can't lose him again. While I'm scared and my instincts are telling me to run as fast as I can and avoid this upcoming conversation, my heart is screaming at me to stay put, fight, be with him.

This time I'm going to listen to my heart.


	27. Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - We are reaching the end. There's just one more chapter after this one. I really appreciate everyone who has been following the story. This was my first foray into fanfic and it really just started as a way for me to work through some of the missing pieces I felt the show left. It also was a return to writing for me, something that I did a lot of when I was younger but haven't found the time for in recent years. I'm really glad so many people have enjoyed the story. I've never written a mystery before so it was fun to try something different. I think this is the longest chapter yet, so enjoy.

Logan

I finally manage to get a few hours of sleep, but when I wake up, my mind is still racing. I'm desperate for today to go well. Of course, if I don't call her and set up something soon, I'm going to lose my nerve. Strange to think that I'm the one considering running away, avoiding the unbearable pain when it's usually her.

I take a quick shower, throw on some clothes. I'm too nervous to eat, but given my lack of sleep caffeine is a necessity. Pacing while I drink my coffee, I stare at my phone. Man up Echolls, just call her. I've given a lot of thought to where we should have this conversation. While my condo has been the scene of two traumatic events, it's also the place I feel safest outside of Keith's house. I considered just doing this at Keith's but I want complete privacy, also why I've ruled out any public places. My condo is big enough for us to take a break from one another if this becomes heated or we need a minute.

Veronica and I have too much passion between us for me to think that we won't have times when we get mad at one another. I'm just hoping that we can work through those periods of anger and remember that we love one another.

I stop pacing finally, put my coffee cup down on the island and call her.

"Hi" she answers almost immediately. There's a tiredness to her voice that makes me wonder if she's been thinking about this all night as well.

"Hi." I am quite the conversationalist this morning. That really bodes well for a "dragging the past out into the light" kind of conversation. I clear my throat and try to continue "I was hoping that maybe you could come over here. I'll make…" I pause and look at the time on my phone "brunch."

"Brunch would be good." she says nervously. "What time do you want me there?"

Now, would now be good and then stay forever?

"An hour or so? Give me time to fry up the bacon." I'm trying for light hearted but I'm not sure it's coming off quite right.

"I can do that." She pauses. I almost think that she's hung up on me, but a glance at my phone shows that the call is still connected. "I'll see you then Logan."

"I'll be the one with food." I mean seriously Logan? I need to get it together. She laughs lightly and then I hear her say bye quietly before ending the call. I have sixty minutes to get some food ready and pull my head out of my ass before I have the most important conversation in my young life.

Looking through my fridge, I realize that I'm going to have to use some of those precious sixty minutes to run to the local store cause wouldn't you know it I'm fresh out of, well, everything.

I grab my keys and run to the local market. I don't think I've ever grocery shopped so fast in all my life. On my way to the store, I planned out a menu, something to keep my thoughts from getting the best of me. A simple omelette with lots of cheese because my girl loves cheese, bacon, of course, some bagels and that chive cream cheese that she used to love so much. I also grab some juice, impatiently getting in line.

What if I'm not there when she arrives, will she think the worst and leave? That's been a running theme in our relationship. She always assumes the worst of me. I'm really hoping that's not still the case because the woman in front of me in line is just so damn slow. How many freaking coupons does she need?

Finally, I'm out of the store with my goods and headed back to my condo. I glance at my phone and calm myself realizing that while it felt like it took forever, the trip really only took about twenty minutes. Plenty of time for me to get everything ready.

I occupy myself with preparing the food, setting the table, trying to not jump ahead in my head. I still have ten minutes until my sixty minutes are up and I spend every one of them pacing and double checking everything. Running my hand over the back of my neck I realize that I've moved beyond nervous into the soon to be a panic attack realm. I really need to calm down.

I plop myself down on my couch and try the breathing techniques Jane taught me. I feel my heartrate start to slow and I find a calm within myself. I'm psyching myself out. The conversation will be difficult but Veronica says she loves me. She never told me that before, things will be different this time. I just know it.

I hear a knock on the door and stand up, smoothing down my shirt. When I open the door I see her standing there, love of my life, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, smiling at me shyly. I smile, open my mouth to say hi...

"Marry me." What the fuck? Did I just say that?

Veronica

When Logan finally called, my nerves went into overdrive. I wasn't even ready and I had only an hour to mentally and physically prepare for a conversation that was going to decide the rest of my life. If we couldn't make it work this time, this was game over. We wouldn't be getting another chance like this. As much as I've grown I just can't imagine going through the pain of losing him again.

I don't think I ever told him how much those breakups really hurt me. I know back then I did everything I could to not show how much he had hurt me or how much I was pining for him. I guess that might be a good place to start.

I got a quick shower, grabbed a cup of coffee, and told my dad goodbye.

"Where are you off to?" my dad asked as I gave him a quick hug.

"I'm headed to Logan's for brunch."

"Should I expect you back for dinner?" I looked at him. I was a grown adult but still the idea of telling my dad that I didn't plan on coming home tonight, that I was hoping that Logan and I would be done with the conversational portion of our evening and well onto our making up for lost time portion of the evening just didn't set right. Still, I was a grown ass adult and I needed to be clear with my father on what he could expect if Logan and I got back together.

"Probably not. In fact if things go well today, I may just stay with Logan the rest of break." My dad raised an eyebrow at me.

"Well I hope things go well for both of you. Just remember he's not the same person you left and neither are you."

"I know. I'll text you later and let you know for sure if I won't be home tonight. I know how you worry." I smile at him, picking up my bag and running out the door. I'm nervous and scared, but this is beyond due. If we cna make it through today and some really heavy conversations then we can make it through just about anything.

The whole way up to Logan's on the elevator, I keep telling myself to stay open, not get mad, not get defensive. I take a step off the elevator, ready for anything.

Logan opens the door, all the love he feels shining in his eyes. I smile at him, damn he looks good. I'm ready for this, I tell myself one more time. I'm ready for…

"Marry me." He says. From the look on his face I'd say that was not what he had planned on saying. There's shock followed quickly by terror. I can only imagine that my face shows a similar expression of shock and fear. I was ready for anything, but not this. My mind is screaming at me to turn around and run as fast and as far away from him as I can.

I take a deep breath. Running is not an option, not this time.

"What happened to slow?" I ask him.

"I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from." He runs a hand over the back of his neck, still nervous but somewhat relieved that I didn't just run away screaming. Or maybe he's just happy that I didn't turn him down flat. Why didn't I just say no. It would have been acceptable since the question at this juncture was beyond premature. We weren't even officially back together and who knew if we could make it work this time around.

"Why don't we just start with some brunch and some not so light conversation and see where we go from there?" I say lightly.

"Yeah, good idea. Come in." He says as he realizes he's just been standing there. He moves aside to usher me in. "I made omelette and toasted some bagels, I hope that's okay."

"Sounds good." I say feeling the awkwardness creeping in. This shouldn't be so hard, We've known each other practically our whole lives. Why is starting this conversation so hard, why does it feel like we're practically strangers at this point?

We both sit down at the table he's set after Logan grabs the food from the warming oven. Neither of us say anything while we eat, avoiding looking at each other.

"That was good. When did you learn to cook? Last I knew you were more of the order of food rather than making food variety." I tell him. He immediately stiffens at the reference to our past. I can see him mentally counting to ten before he answers.

"I guess that used to be true, but after rehab, I had a lot of time on my hands. I couldn't really go do the things I used to do, so I had to get some new hobbies. I also didn't want to blow through my trust fund like I had been doing. So I took some classes and found that I really like cooking. There's something kind of zen about it, you know?" He looks at me up through his eyelashes.

"Oh." I'm quiet for a second, not really sure where to go next. "So what else did you take up to replace the endless string of parties?" Wow that came out bitter. His shoulders tense again and I can tell he's biting back some sarcastic quip.

"Umm, well I still surf whenever I can though surfing in San Francisco sucks. I also started working out; I volunteer at a local shelter, read, hang with my friends, that sort of thing." He tells me. "What about you? Now that you're not taking cases, how do you occupy your down time."

"That's a really good question. I don't have a lot of down time with law school but when I did have more time, I worked, hung out with my friends, traveled a bit." I pause, unsure if I'm ready to tell him that unlike him I have dated over the past four years. Obviously he knows that since he met Chris in Arizona, but somehow I doubt that's really what he wants to hear about. Still, we said honesty. "I dated." I tell him looking down at my plate.

I quickly glance up at him and the look on his face is pure pain. I look back down, unsure what to say.

"Lots of nice guys like Piz?" He tries to say it like it's a joke, but we both know it's not. He's jealous and angry at the idea of me dating and just like always I can feel a rising anger in myself at his hypocrisy.

"A few and some not so nice." I shrug.

"I don't want to know." He says quietly. Neither of us speak and he gets up to start clearing dishes. I get up to help him, bringing plates into the kitchen, rinsing things off as he loads the dishwasher. It would be a serene scene of domesticity if it weren't for the fact that we're both still pissed.

"Logan, this won't work." He looks up at me from the plate he's meticulously placing in the dishwasher. Who knew Logan Echolls was anal retentive. I can see him start to panic.

"What? I thought we were going to try. You said you wanted to try." His words are rushed and I'm afraid he's going to have another panic attack.

"I do, I just meant this thing we're doing where we're completely pissed, but being passive aggressive. We did that too many times before and it never worked out for us. I don't want to do that with you again. I want us to communicate. If that means we have to fight then so be it. We just can't pretend."

He lets out a slow shaky breath. "Okay."

"You can't be mad at me for not waiting for you. It's completely hypocritical." I tell him sternly.

"I'm not mad." I glare at him and he shrugs. "Okay, I'm mad, but I'm not mad because you dated. Do I want to hunt down each and every guy who's seen you naked and rip their eyes out of their heads for ever looking at you, yes, but I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. I just don't think I want to hear about them. Living through two of them was bad enough."

"Six."

"Six what?" He asks.

"That's how many guys you would have to hunt down." I tell him.

"Piz?" His body is so tense and I want to wrap my arms around him, but I know that won't help right now.

"No, we broke up right after you beat up Gory in the cafeteria." He nods, a small smile gracing his beautiful face for a second.

"I'm glad."

"Why? What does it matter? How would he be any different than any of the others?" I ask, genuinely curious.

"I don't know. I guess he just bothers me more than the others because I had to watch him try for you all year. I saw him lying in wait, another Duncan wannabe, stalking my girl. I just hate him." He says honestly. "Do you realize that when I met him, you didn't even tell him I was your boyfriend?"

"I didn't?" He shakes his head.

"I had to tell him who I was to you and then you got kind of pissy with me for being a caveman and marking my territory."

"Well you were." I say stubbornly.

"I had to. Dude was obviously into you and he couldn't seem to take a hint. Hell he even invited you on a date." He shakes his head in disgust at the memory.

"Yeah well, he was a douche. And it's not like you were running around telling people I was your girlfriend. In fact you seemed to go out of your way to not tell girls who I was to you." I feel all the old anger at him coming back.

"What are you talking about? I flat out told everyone you were my girlfriend at that stupid party Aaron threw me." He practically growls at me.

"Yeah you did." I concede, but not ready to let this rest. "But when we were in college, you didn't tell any of the flirty skanks hanging all over you, I was your girlfriend. Hell, you didn't even tell me what you were doing half the time."

"That's where we're going? That's how we're starting this?" He looks at me with those sad brown eyes.

"I guess it's as good a place as any." I am almost yelling. It's amazing how quickly our fighting instincts come back to us.

"No." He states, crossing his arms.

"No?"

"No. That's not where we're starting. I don't want to do it like this. I don't want us dragging things out without even going to the beginning to the reasons why you could never trust me, why I did what I did. No."

"Then where do you propose we start?" He doesn't answer, just walks away.

"Logan? Logan!"

Logan

This is not going how I planned. I wanted a calm discussion of our issues, but instead we managed to get ourselves into a fight. It's my fault. I shouldn't have gotten so angry about her dating. She's right, it's hypocritical of me. I expected her to move on. I knew that was going to happen, I can't be mad at her for things or people she's been with while we've been apart.

Stll, I can see this just turning into a battle where neither one of us gets what we want. Rather than letting this escalate, I'm going to get my journal. Maybe some of that will help us get through all of this. I'm still irritated by the way she just assumes the worst of me, not realizing how much I've grown and changed these past four years.

And why the fuck did I ask her to marry me? Granted I've always known that I wanted to marry Veronica Mars, someday. But it was the wrong thing to say, now is so not the time. I was just overwhelmed by the sight of her and thought's always been there. I'm such an idiot.

When I walk back out to the living room, tossing the journal on the coffee table, I see her standing in the kitchen, tears swimming in her eyes, staring off into space. Her arms are around her like she's afraid she's going to break apart. I heard her yelling my name, but I needed a second to calm down. If I had known that she would be looking like this I would have said something.

"Hey, it's okay." I tell her as I walk back up to her, putting my arms around her. That connection of ours sends warmth through me and I wish everything could be solved just by holding her.

She looks up at me, biting her lower lip. "Why did you walk away?"

"I just went to grab something. I wasn't walking away from you. I'm never walking away from you. I just don't want us to tear ourselves apart before we even have a chance. I've spent years thinking about why things didn't work for us, what I did wrong." I take a deep breath, afraid of her reaction when I say "what you did wrong."

She stiffens in my arms for a second and I think 'here it comes, Veronica Mars is never wrong.' But then she relaxes and leans her head against my chest, nodding.

"I did so many things wrong." She whispers into my chest. This more than anything tells me that maybe she's really changed, maybe this isn't just a high from all the danger, maybe we can really work this out.

"We were young. It doesn't excuse everything, but let's face it, we weren't adults. We just thought we were because of all the shit we had been through by that point. In reality, we were still just kids, probably still are." I'm not excusing what we've done or trying to pretend like it's not important or didn't shape us and our relationship, but we need to go into this without thinking that nothing could possibly change.

She takes a step back from me and I let my arms drop. "So what did you have to grab?"

"Promise not to laugh at me?" I ask, already cringing expecting her to remind me that I'm the girl in our relationship. I don't think she ever realized how emasculating that really was. If it wasn't for our bedroom hijinx it would have been one more thing that destroyed us.

"I'll try." She says. I look at her for a long moment debating how to take that. I guess it's good that she doesn't want to make a promise that she can't keep.

"Why don't we start with sitting down?" I take her hand and lead her into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. She hesitates and then sits down a few feet from me. I try not to read into her sudden need for distance.

I pick the journal up off the table and hand it to her.

"What is this?" She asks, already opening it.

"When I was in rehab, Jane, that's my therapist, she had me start a journal to help me understand my emotions. In addition to being an addict, I also have depression, low self-esteem issues, and a form of anxious-preoccupied attachment disorder because of the abuse." I see the look on her face turning to pity and I struggle to maintain a clinical tone. "Jane told me that in a lot of ways I was emotionally a five year old. All of my emotional reactions were stunted even while I played as an adult. She thought that if I could see, in writing, my thoughts on various topics, I might be able to see a better way of handling them."

"It's a common form of therapy." Veronica says to me, still looking at the book in her hands. "So this is your journal."

"Yeah, although it's not really a journal. It's my list. All the things and people that tripped us up, kept us from being better to one another. I thought it might be better for us to start there rather than getting into a fight about college issues. Our problems began a long time before that."

"Lilly." She whispers, fingering the necklace around her neck.

I can't find any words at this point so I just nod. She looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. I'm terrified of what happens next. I want to be honest with her, but I don't know what she feels for Lilly and my anger and hatred of her might be a deal breaker for us. Veronica gave up everything to get justice for Lilly, she loved her like a sister.

"Logan, I." she stops herself, looking down. "Is she in here?"

"Yes. Her and Duncan. So much of our history is wrapped up in theirs. I couldn't make sense of it until I dealt with that. It colored so much of what I did to you." I am still ashamed of how I treated her, threw her away and let her be hurt because of two false idols. Wow, look at me, getting all biblical in my head.

"Show me." She whispers holding the book out to me. I take it, nervous. I flip through a few pages until I come to the beginning of the passages where I worked out my feelings about Lilly. I hand the journal to Veronica and watch her start to read.

'Everything comes back to Lilly Kane. Veronica's best friend, Duncan's sister, my girlfriend, my father's mistress and victim. When I met Lilly, I couldn't stand her. She was so fake, but then puberty hit and she blossomed into a beautiful and vivacious young woman. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame; her blatant sexuality too much for a teen to deny, especially when she was willing to do anything. Lilly had a darkness to her that spoke to me. She and Veronica were so very different, one darkness and sex and the other innocence and purity. Not that Veronica wasn't sexy or hot even back then. She just had a light in her that made her brighter than everyone else and I needed to be in the shadows. I thought I loved Lilly but I was a fucking idiot. Lilly's and my relationship was like my relationship with my father or even my mother. It was a desperate need for love, allowing anything to take the place of true caring. I was quite literally led by my dick. I thought sex and love were the same thing at that point. Lilly fed into my self-loathing. She was the embodiment of all of my deepest fears. I didn't deserve to be loved and her cheating and near abusive treatment of me was misinterpreted as love. God, I hate her. I really and truly hate Lilly Kane. Not just because she slept with my father, not just because she cheated on me again and again, but because of Veronica. If it weren't for Lilly keeping her claws in me, I would have been able to think clearer when she died. Instead I was still wrapped up in the fairy tale of my romance with Lilly. I always knew that I wasn't good enough for Veronica and I was so angry. Angry at Lilly, at my father, at my mother, at Duncan. And Veronica. I was so mad at her. She was supposed to stay by me, but she didn't and I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to make her feel an ounce of what I felt. She was always so strong, so calm, so fucking good. I wanted her and I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. Yet I did. Her loss of innocence, her trust issues, everything, it was all my fault. I did that to her, I hurt the one person I've ever truly loved because of Lilly Kane. A girl who didn't deserve Veronica, didn't deserve me. She shouldn't have died the way she did but I can't be sorry that she's gone. She brought it on herself, messing with the fire that was my father. She knew what he was like. Even if I never said the words out loud, she knew what he was like. she saw the bruises, she saw the marks. I might have lied and said they came from elsewhere, surfing, a fight, but she knew. The bitch fucking knew and she still slept with him. She didn't care about me, I was a play thing for her. She and Duncan played with me and Veronica, kept us apart when we could have been good for each other, when we could have saved each other from so much pain. We were just their toys and they broke me and I broke her.'

I've been watching her face closely. It's a risk being so open. There's other passages that I know will make her hate me, but I can't hold anything back.

She looks up at me, tears streaming down her face. "Logan."

"I'm sorry. I can't help how I feel." I apologize. Why am I always apologizing to her? I can feel my anger rising. This always happens, I try to be honest with her and it bites me in the ass.

"Logan, no." She reaches for my hand. "You don't have to be sorry."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say.

She reaches up to toy with her necklace again, looking anywhere but me. Finally, she takes a deep breath and turns to look at me, squeezing my fingers in her hand. "You gave this to me."

I stare at her, my mouth open in shock. I can't speak so I just nod.

"My dad told me." She answers the question I can't ask. "Your mom told him at my party. He never told me until a few years ago. I had been talking to Craig about Lilly and how very much I hated her for everything she caused and she did. How she hurt you, how she toyed with me, pushing me out of her shadow but then never really letting me be out from under it. How I sacrificed everything, including you, for justice for her only to find out that it was all her fault. I couldn't stand to wear it anymore, it made me feel ill every time I felt it brush against my neck. My dad asked me where it was after I took it off." She pauses, overcome by memories. "I told him about Lilly and how much I hated this necklace because she gave it to me. He told me it never came from her. He told me what your mom had told him all those years ago. I put it back on after that. I wanted to keep a piece of you near me. I couldn't be with you, I couldn't see you, but I wanted to keep a reminder of the love you felt for me all those years ago, how you saw me when no one else did. So you don't have to be sorry for how you feel. I get it."

I let out a shaky breath I didn't know I was holding. "I didn't know."

"How could you? I couldn't let myself discuss it. After we found out that your father murdered her, I wouldn't even let myself think about it. Not really. I just focused on what Aaron did to her. I was so selfish Logan. I didn't want to think about it because then I would have to face that I had sacrificed everything for her when she was nothing but a lying slut. I couldn't tell you how I felt because you still called her your first love. I didn't want to think about how you felt."

I stare at her. It's out in the open now. She doesn't hate me for not loving Lilly, in fact she feels the same way I do. This is one thing that we're in alignment on.

"She's not my first love. You are." I tell her.

"No, Logan, I'm not. You loved Lilly. It's okay to have loved her." She says. I shake my head.

"Veronica, please don't do that. Please don't tell me what I think or what I feel. I have worked so hard to figure things out on my own, I really need you to hear me when I tell you things."

She gasps at the harshness of my tone but nods.

"You are my first love, my only love. I have never loved before you. What I felt for Lilly was nothing. It was sex, it was hormones, it was a child's fears. It was not love."

"How?" She asks.

"How what?" I'm confused.

"How is it just sex? I've never understood that. Everything about sex is personal, a vulnerability. I can't separate my emotions from it."

"I don't know how to explain it. You know I was young when I had sex for the first time. It was such a mess, but the woman figured she could mold me. After a few times, I was really good at it. It was probably the first thing other than surfing that I was really good at. It wasn't emotional, it was just something I could do. Whenever something went wrong, or I felt bad about something that was done to me or that I did I could still do that. It became a sort of coping mechanism."

"So I'm just a coping mechanism?" She frowns.

"No, with you, it's something else entirely. With every other woman I've slept with, it's all physical. I couldn't care less about them, hell I barely even remembered most of them. But with you." I can't continue, thinking about what it's like to have sex with Veronica Mars. It's transcendent, earth shattering. I can't even describe it.

"With me what? Please Logan." she says when I still can't continue. "I need to understand this. I've always been so scared that my lack of experience was going to make you bored one day, and that in turn led to my jealousy."

"What jealousy? You were never jealous." I say to her.

"What are you talking about? I was so jealous, all the time. I couldn't stand seeing you talk to other girls, being with other women. I wanted to scream and hurt all of them for touching you. I wanted to hurt you for choosing them over me."

"I never saw that. You always seemed fine. I didn't think you cared." I mumble.

"Of course I cared. When you asked me if you could ask out Parker, I thought I was going to die." She's crying now, but the pain is still too raw and I can't reach out to her.

"You said it was okay. I didn't want you to say it was okay. I wanted you to tell me no. I wanted any sign that you were hurting over me like I was hurting over you. If you had given me any hint, I never would have dated Parker. I didn't care about her. I just wanted you." I can feel tears coming down my face.

"Then what is it like with me Logan? Please I really need to know."

"I don't have sex with you Veronica. When we're together, it's like I'm making love with my whole soul. It's terrifying and exhilarating. It's not just physical, it's spiritual, transcendent. I can't even describe it. It's like communicating on a whole other level. I just feel home."

"Wow." She says. She reaches out to touch me and I flinch back. Her face shows her confusion.

"Please don't. I can't handle you touching me right now." I tell her.

"Okay." She says meekly, pulling her hand back to her lap and shifting a little further away from me.

"Veronica, I don't think you know what you do to me. If you touch me right now, we're not going to be continuing this conversation for some time. I'm so fucking hard right now, just thinking about what it feels like to be with you." I explain, trying to make her see why I'm holding back.

She smiles at me.

"Logan, why didn't you ever fight for us? You said you wanted me to tell you no, but you never fought for us. You always just let me go when we broke up. You never called, never tried to see me." She asks, changing the subject.

"I didn't think I deserved you. When you left me, it felt like I was just getting what I deserved, like the universe was coming into alignment and punishing me for ever thinking that I could be good enough for you." I shrug. "Also Lilly. When she would break up with me, I would chase after her, do anything she wanted to make her take me back. I don't have much self-esteem but I have a little. I guess I didn't want to repeat all of that with you. I wanted to keep some dignity. I was heartbroken every time we broke up. I wanted you so badly, but I guess even then I knew that I was in too deep. I was afraid of losing myself in you."

"I cried. In the shower, I cried, a lot, when you broke up with me. I pride myself on being this strong woman who doesn't need anyone but I needed you. I tried so hard not to show how I felt, but I hurt so much. I saw you moving on as proof that you didn't really love me, that you were going to always leave me."

We both sit there, silent. I knew this conversation was going to be hard, but I just don't know what to say. A part of me is so joyful, Veronica Mars actually cried over me, but part of me is sad that I caused her such pain, again.

"Veronica, I never wanted to hurt you. I know that I have, but I never wanted to. I love you so much. These past four years, I've barely been hanging on without you. I can never leave you. I wish I could take back everything I did back then. I wish I could have been honest with you, told you how I felt, what I needed from you. I was so scared. I didn't want to disappoint you and that's all I seemed to do."

"Logan, I wish I could take back so much. I wish I could have trusted you. I do, you know."

"Do what?"

"Trust you. I didn't back then and not for the bullshit reasons I gave you that time in the library. I was just so afraid that you would turn on me, leave me, hurt me. I was self-sabotaging."

"I get that. I wasn't worthy of your trust then. I did so many things that even I know made it impossible for you to trust me. I lashed out at you constantly. I was secretive. I didn't really let you be part of my life, but I wanted you to be. I just didn't know how to do it then. I don't know that I do now. I just know that I want to find out."

"Logan, you were always worthy of my trust. Did you do stupid things? Yes, but if I had just asked or tried to talk to you, maybe things would have been different. I was so scared to let myself feel everything for you. It was so big and I was terrified that if I gave myself completely to you, I would lose myself." She is trembling.

"Do you really forgive me for everything? I know you've said you do, but do you really? I was such an asshole to you." I ask. I really need her forgiveness. I need to believe that I have a chance of being worthy of her.

"Yes, god, yes Logan. I forgave you a long time ago for everything, for the salt lick, for not protecting me that night, for being a psychotic jackass, for Madison, everything. I don't want to do this if you can't believe me, if you can't forgive yourself. I want to put our past behind us, finally. Do you think we can do that?" She moves closer to me.

"I do. I've changed Veronica. I'm not that same messed up kid. I was hurting so bad then, but I've grown up a lot. I want everything with you. I want us to be honest, to really talk to each other. I don't want to keep things from you anymore. I want to be your partner in all things."

She takes a shuddering breath.

"So, am I like your girlfriend now?" She gives me that shy half smile that makes me want to kiss her so badly.

"Yes, please." I answer, inching closer to her.

"When do you have to be back for school?" She asks, leaning towards me.

"January 4th. You?" We're close enough to touch now.

"Same. So we're doing this?"

I pull her into my arms and stare into her eyes. "Yes."

"Then I guess we should spend as much time as we can before we go back to school and figure out how we're going to make this work."

"I love you." I tell her before I kiss her. She kisses me before pulling back.

"Logan Echolls, I love you so much. You're my soulmate and I never want to lose you again."

Those words, match, dynamite. We still have to talk, get to know each other again, but this time neither of us is running and I think we can really make it.


	28. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N This is it. The last chapter. Thank you all for reading and giving me your feedback throughout this journey. I'm a fairly private person as some might have noticed from the lack in my profile, but I thought I'd share a bit of how this all came to be. Back before pandemics I used to have a really long commute. I'm an avid reader, but I can't read on a bus without getting carsick but weirdly I can watch tv shows and movies. So to destress after long days at the office, heading home to my second job as a mom to two foster kids, I would pick a show to watch, doling it out one episode at a time. In November of last year, I finally got hulu and stumbled across Veronica Mars. I missed it when it originally aired because I was living in Japan at the time. I watched the first three seasons and then got the movie, then I had to see if there was more and found the books. Finally after all of that I watched the dreaded 4th season. And everything just felt unfinished. All of this coincided with a stay at home order and some dicey homeschooling while working 16 hour days as part of the pandemic response. There was no place to really escape and I was surrounded by people constantly which is not easy for me. I started reading VM fanfic, spending hours diving through probably thousands of stories by now. And I wanted to add my own spin on what should have or could have been. I haven't written for pleasure in so long and this was a return to a part of myself that I had long forgotten. I already have several other ideas in the works, so this won't be the last you hear of me I hope.
> 
> Anyways, I really do appreciate everyone who has stuck with this story. And especially thanks to SmilesP, AmyPC, and Katye76 for introducing me to the VM Fic Club on discord. It's been great to connect with so many others who share my passion for this fandom.

One year later

Veronica

It's been a crazy year and I'm in my final stretch at law school. I did an internship with the district attorney's office in Neptune last summer and it solidified my desire to pursue justice from that avenue. I've been so busy that I've barely had any time for my friends or my dad so I'm glad it's finally winter break and I can go home and just relax for a few days. I'm really looking forward to finally having a real Christmas without all of the drama that marked last year.

Next year will bring the bar, decisions, but for now, I have one more winter break to just enjoy and not worry about the future. I finished packing my bag, glad that I decided to fly this year rather than drive. It will mean more time with Mac, Wallace, my dad, and even Dick. I still can't believe that Mac and Dick are still an item. Some things just defy understanding I guess. They're happy though it was touch and go there for a while when I finally told Logan about Dick's part in my rape that night at Shelly's party. I never wanted to tell him, but we were trying to be honest with one another about everything. When Logan asked me why I hated Dick so much, I finally admitted to myself and to him that I didn't hate him, not who he is today, but the guy who was stupid enough to tuant his brother, left me there with a murderer or rapist, him I hate.

I've come to terms with a lot of things. You would think that after nearly four years of therapy I was all fixed, but there's a deep well to the trauma that I never properly processed. Dick was one of those things as was Madison. The two of them were at the top of my hate list when we were in high school because of that party. Somewhere along the line though I came to the realization that while I still hate Madison because she's just an awful person, what happened to me that night wasn't her fault. She didn't know her drink was dosed with GHB. While I doubt that would have stopped what she did, she can't be blamed for something that she wasn't even aware of. Craig also annoyingly pointed out that if she hadn't given me the drink then she would have been the one who was raped because when you take away a woman's right to consent, its rape plain and simple. Something that I tried so hard to pretend wasn't the truth leading to so many mistakes including Duncan Kane.

Forgiving Dick was harder, understanding that he was just an idiot and didn't think his brother was capable of doing something so heinous. He didn't know what Cassidy did to me. When I told Logan what had really happened, he went a little crazy. I think what saved Dick was the fact that he didn't know and when he found out...well, it was heartbreaking to see.

Flashback

"Why Veronica? Why do you hate him so much? He's my best friend, your best friend's boyfriend. I know he was an asshole in highschool but he's changed. Why are you still avoiding him?" Logan is pushing when I refuse to agree to plans with Dick again. I can take him in small doses but being home for the summer means way too much Dick for my taste.

"Because it's his fault. He put me in that room, he told Cassidy to take advantage of me. Because of him, his brother raped me." I cried. I never wanted to tell Logan. Dick was his only friend for so long. He had people who hung around him constantly, but for the longest time, Dick was the only one who truly cared about him. Fuck, he saved his life when he would have died, when I wasn't there. For that I'd take this secret to my grave, but Logan won't let me avoid this conversation anymore and I can't lie to him anymore.

Looking at Logan's face, I knew, I just knew that I had been right to keep this secret for so long. Logan looks like he wants to kill someone or kill himself. He doesn't say a word, just gets up and leaves the house. I run after him, trying to get his attention because I know he's going to confront Dick about this and it's not going to end well.

I can't get him to stop, but he at least doesn't stop me when I follow him as he makes his way to Dick's house.

Dick opened the door, smiling, "Hey Dude and the light of his life who I fully support." The smile fades as he notices how red Logan's face is, a sure sign that he's passed into that scary kind of rage that he so rarely lets out.

Logan doesn't even give him a chance to know what's going on before he punches him. Dick isn't a small guy though and while he's not much for fighting, he's been Logan's sparring partner many times, helping him to channel his rage.

In between punches, with me trying to get Logan to stop, Dick finally asks why.

"You fucking left her there." Another punch to Dick's stomach. "You told him to fuck her. She was fucking unconcious and you left your sick brother there with her."

Dick pushes Logan back, finding a strength to hold him off at the mention of his brother. "What did he do?" Dick roars, tears already welling up in his eyes.

That was another reason I didn't want to tell. I may not like Dick, but he's a human being and he was hurt by Cassidy too. He lost his brother and I know from Logan that he blamed himself for how everything turned out.

It's not me that answers though, it's Logan roaring the words at Dick even as he tries to hurt him physically as much as he can. "He raped her."

Dick stopped trying to defend himself and just collapsed on the ground. I grabbed Logan's arm.

"Enough. Just stop Logan. This isn't your fight." I told him. His rage was finally dissipating and he just glared at me and Dick before walking away in disgust.

I kneeled down by Dick to see how hurt he was. He grabbed my hand.

"Ronnie, it's not true, is it? He didn't do that. Please tell me he didn't do that." Dick is crying in earnest now. I hear a scoff behind me letting me know that Logan hasn't gone far and is listening to our conversation, probably making sure that Dick doesn't hurt me too. He can be so predictable when it comes to me.

I focus on Dick, "He did. He told me the night he died. He gave me chlamydia."

"I left him there. I taunted him. I didn't think he would actually do it. Ronnie, I wouldn't have left him if I thought he would ever do that to you. I was just messing with him. I swear I wouldn't have let him, not to you or anyone."

I can feel my residual anger at this broken man leave my body. It wasn't his fault. He did stupid things, but who hasn't. He was a victim like the rest of us. He didn't know what Cassidy was capable of. No one wants to believe that kind of thing about someone that they love.

"It's not your fault Dick. Cassidy made that choice on his own. He didn't have to listen to you. You've been such a good friend to Logan all these years when I wasn't there and couldn't be with him. I know you wouldn't have let him if you had known."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Dick is weeping, broken.

End Flashback

It took awhile for Logan and Dick to get past that, but eventually they moved past. Logan never told me why he finally was able to forgive Dick and I didn't ask, I was just glad that he had his friend back. Dick's still not my favorite person, but he's loyal and has a good heart when he's not hiding it under his surfer persona. We'll probably never be best friends, but I don't mind spending time with him when I'm home.

My flight leaves in three hours, and with the new security protocols if I don't leave now, I may not make the flight. I look around the apartment making sure that I haven't forgotten anything.

"Ready to go, sugarpuss?"

His arms wind around my waist and he kisses the side of my head, breathing in my scent. I feel that peaceful feeling that comes only from Logan engulf me. He knows how nervous I am before traveling, always with my lists and triple checking everything even though as he says we can just buy anything we've forgotten.

"Yep, checked everything thrice. We should be good to go." I say leaning back into him. He reluctantly lets me go and grabs our bags.

"Let's go then, only a few more hours and we'll be home." He smiles, looking around our apartment. "Our other home." he amends.

I smile, following him out to the car. Wherever he is, that's home.

Logan

If someone had told me a year ago that not only would I get a chance to rekindle my relationship with Veronica Mars, but that she would have agreed to live with me only a few short months after we got back to school, I would have told them that they were crazy.

Our year together hasn't been without its fair share of ups and downs. Neither of us were really prepared for living with someone else and it was a lot of adjustment and using those new found communication skills.

As I walk down to the car, I can't help but think about the fight and the aftermath of the fight that led us to where we are now, living together, sharing our lives. We'd been back at school for a few months when the strain of long distance,even if it was only an hour, conflicting schedules and old issues started to surface.

Flashback

I drove down to Stanford to spend the weekend with Veronica. I was trying to see her as much as possible, but I couldn't neglect my schoolwork and neither could she. Still I missed having her with me all the time. I could tell that she was starting to get distant when we talked. At first I just thought that she was in a hurry because of school and work. Then when I couldn't make it down last weekend to see her because of a project for one of my classes, she said she was fine, but she only called me once while I was with my study group and then avoided my calls for several days afterwards.

We had promised to be honest with each other, but she wasn't sharing. I was not going to make the same mistake that I made once upon a time and just let this go. Back at Hearst, if I had talked to her about seeing her ignore my phone call when she said we were fine, maybe we could have avoided the breakup and all the aftermath. Instead, I hid from her, she hid from me and then I felt like I had to let her go before I ended up in an endless cycle. I refused to do that this time. We would talk and if meant that we fought, so be it.

I got to her apartment, she wasn't home so I sat in front of the door, waiting for her. After about an hour, she came up the steps, but she wasn't alone. There was some guy with her, carrying her bag, laughing at something she said. She saw me sitting there, but instead of the smile I had grown accustomed to seeing, she frowned and turned to her friend.

"Thanks for the help Matt. I really appreciate it. Looks like I have some company so rain check?" She said to him.

"Sure, anytime." He smiled at her and she fucking smiled back at him, like I wasn't standing there waiting for her. The two of them ignored me. This fucking asshole hugged her and then left. She stood there staring after him before walking past me to unlock the door. She turned to me once and said "Coming?"

"Veronica." I started as soon as we were in the apartment but she cut me off.

"No, Logan. You don't get to do this. Matt is a friend of mine and we were studying. I'm not going to entertain any of the jealous thoughts in your head." She snarled.

"What the fuck Veronica. What is going on? You've been distant for a week now and avoiding my calls. And now you're with some guy who you didn't even bother introducing me to. I thought we weren't doing this anymore." I can feel my anger rising. So what, so I'm jealous. That guy clearly liked her and she doesn't have the best track record in noticing that sort of thing or telling these guys off.

"Doing what Logan? I called you this weekend, but you were too busy to talk. Well I'm busy too." She stood there, chest heaving and my mind went to what we should have been doing. We shouldn't be having some stupid fight for no real reason, she should already be bent over that table behind her, three orgasms deep by this point. My body responds to the thought, but the look on her face tells me that she would not welcome any advances from me right now. I just don't understand what I did that she's so mad at me for. I ran a hand through my hair in frustration.

"I have no idea. Why are we fighting? I really don't understand why you're so mad at me. What did I do?" I ask, frustrated but trying to keep control of my temper.

She looks at me and her shoulders slump. "I don't know. I really wanted to see you last weekend, I needed to see you, but you were busy and when I called…"

"When you called what?" She looks away from me and I grab her chin, forcing her to look at me. "Veronica, you have to tell me. What?"

"I heard girls and music and I guess I just sort of had a flashback to before. You used to just cancel plans on me. It just felt really familiar and I started thinking." She tells me sadly.

"Veronica, you should have just talked to me. I wanted to see you last weekend too. I would have been here but I had to do that project for school. Those girls you heard are just part of my study group, we had some music on while we worked. That's it." I told her.

"It's not the first time." She whispers.

"What's not the first time?" I ask.

"I've called before and you're out." She takes a deep breath. "Logan, I don't want to be that girlfriend, the one who needs to know where her boyfriend is all the time. I trust you and I know you wouldn't cheat on me. I know that. I just feel like I'm not part of your life really. We're both so busy and we only have so much time to talk or text. I just feel like I only get pieces of you and that's too familiar. And then I find myself doing the same things I did in college before, getting worried about what you're doing, who you're talking to. I know that it's not the same, but I can't seem to make my brain shut up."

"Then move in with me. At least then when I go out with friends, you could be with me or at least have the chance to be with me. We could wake up together, go to sleep together. I miss you all the time." I hold her hands looking into her eyes. "Please, Veronica, haven't we spent enough time apart?"

I can tell that she's struggling with her answer. I think a part of her wants to say yes, but that cautious part, the one that doesn't want to admit to needing someone else is fighting it. We're still going to be busy even living together, but at least if we're not an hour apart we will have more time rather than these stolen weekends. Hell if we had been living together last weekend, I could have done my project, she could have worked, and then we could have spent the entire night together. I'm tired of only seeing her on the weekends because we're both too tired by the time the day ends to make the trek to one another. We tried it a few times the first few weeks or so, but it was too much for both of us.

Finally, she seems to come to a conclusion and nods.

"Is that a yes?" I ask, wanting to be sure.

"Yes. I want that too." She says smiling at me.

I picked her up and kissed her, her legs automatically wrapping around my waist. She pulled back slightly dazed, "shouldn't we talk about it?"

I leaned forward to capture her lips again, breathing against them "no more talking." We kissed deeply, our connection flaring up between us, leaving us both breathless and wanting. I ran a hand up to caress her breast and she gasped. I wanted her so bad, it had been two weeks since I last saw her. She was already tugging at my shirt and I paused to rip it off before helping her out of her shirt and bra. I had so many choices here, but my first thought when I came in seemed like the best. I walked us to the table and set her down, kneeling to remove her shoes. She looked at me with open arousal.

I reached up to undo the button on her jeans slowly, watching her watch me. I slid her jeans off her legs taking in her white silk panties.

"These will have to go." I said as I nuzzled my nose into her thigh. I looked up and saw her biting her lip, waiting to see what I had planned. I hooked a finger on either side and slid the panties off, then gently pushed her knees apart opening her up to me. "I've missed you." I breathed before I ran my tongue up and down her folds, finally stopping at her clit, sucking it gently for a second. Above me, Veronica's breaths were coming in pants, my name being whispered every so often as I continued my assault on her, lapping up her juices. Finally, I sucked on her clit and gave a little bite and she came.

"Logan, oh god, Logan." she growled, her hands twisted in my hair holding me tight to her.

"Look, no hands." I smirked against her and she pulled my hair tighter. Fuck, she knew what that did to me. I had planned to continue with my hands this time, but as always she was turning my plans inside out. I was desperate to be in her and feel her coming around me. I pulled her down off the table and turned her around, gently pushing on her back to let her know what I wanted. She complied eagerly, holding onto the sides of the tables as I pushed my pants down.

I ran a finger up her center, checking that she was still ready and she pushed back against me. I leaned over her back, kissing her ear and down her neck while still gently teasing her with my finger. She mewed at me, her hips bucking back against me. I slipped a second finger in and found the spot I was looking for. I rubbed her g-spot hard, my other hand coming down to flick her clit. She came loudly, legs starting to buckle. I wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her up as I thrust in her.

"Oh god, Veronica, so fucking good." She was still spasming around me; my shallow thrusts prolonging her orgasm. I waited until she came down and was able to stand without me holding her up before I increased the depth and speed of my thrusts.

"Harder." she gasped. This was a new part of our sex life. Before Veronica was responsive, amazing, a willing participant, but she never told me what she wanted, not in words. I had to watch her closely to figure out what she wanted, but now, now she is vocal, telling me exactly what she wants. That sexy bossiness that used to get me so damn hard is in our bedroom, or the kitchen, or the shower, or the floor, or the wall, or that one time in the back of my car. I fucking loved it and she knew it.

I thrust harder, grabbing her hair in a ponytail and pulling her back against me so her back is arched and I can reach her mouth with mine. I can feel her impending orgasm and I reach down to press on her clit. Her whole body bucks as she comes. I relish the feel of her pussy pulsing all around me. Three months ago, I wouldn't have even made it to her orgasm, but a steady diet of Veronica has my stamina back to where it was. Still there's one thing that gets me every time.

"I love you Logan." She says and I'm coming hard.

"You minx." I say when I can breath again. "You did that on purpose." She just gives me an innocent look, letting me slide out of her before she turns around to wrap her arms around me.

"I love you." She says again.

"I love you, but you know what it does to me when you say that when I'm in you." I grouch at her. 'I was trying for a record there."

"We have the rest of tonight." She purrs, nibbling on the shell of my ear. I shiver, already feeling my erection starting to return. "And tomorrow, we can find a place for us to live."

Fuck that might almost be as good as hearing her say I love you.

End Flashback

Now, as we sit in the plane, ready to fly home for the holidays, I think about the box hidden in my carryon. Hiding anything from Veronica is never easy, but I want this to be a surprise. I meant what I said that night. We wasted too much time over stupid shit, and I'm ready for our lives to be one. I can't help but be nervous though about her answer. We've come so far, maybe I am rushing things. I don't really have a plan, but if the right moment presents itself, I'm totally fucking asking Veronica Mars to marry me, for real this time.

Although we have a car at the condo we share when we're home, Keith still insisted on picking us up from the airport and taking us to dinner before dropping us at the condo. With classes and everything, we're cutting it close Christmas Eve and this is the only night he can have us all to himself before the rest of our group descends.

"How was the flight?" He asks as he pulls away from the airport.

"It was fine. A little bumpy." Veronica grimaces. She's never been a big fan of flying. "How'd your case go?"

Keith had been working a missing person case, a teenage girl who ran away from home after her step-dad raped her. It was a sad story and I had offered to help her once she was found. I had some contacts at the local rape crisis center, having volunteered there in college, and thought maybe they could help her work through the trauma before it swallowed her whole.

"I found her. She's with her dad since her mom still refuses to leave that piece of shit. Logan, thanks for the contact information, I think it will really help both her and her father process what's happened." He glances at Veronica, thinking about how they had to deal with something similar and she smiles at him. "I'm really glad you're both home. It's been way too long."

"We only left in August and you came to us for Thanksgiving." I remind him.

"See, too long." He laughs.

It's still surreal to me how much this man has done for me when he had no reason. It's even more that he's accepted me for me and as the man for his daughter. He didn't even bat an eye when we said we were moving in together and at Thanksgiving, he gave me his blessing with tears in his eyes, telling me that he'd be proud to have me truly as his son. I will freely admit that the memory of that still makes me tear up.

Dinner is quiet, good food, good company, lots of laughter as Veronica and I regale Keith with stories from school and our new puppy. All too soon, he's dropping us off with the promise of seeing us bright and early (or for Veronica, around ten) to start our Christmas Eve celebration.

Veronica and I immediately fall into our Neptune bed, exhausted from a long day of travel and catching up. The bed is fairly new since I refused to sleep in my old one after Madison had been in it. I suggested burning it, but Veronica thought it made more sense to donate it to the local shelter since none of them would have the same associations with it that we did.

Veronica snuggled into me yawning and I kissed the top of her head. I held her close as she fell asleep and then followed closely. My last thought before I fell asleep was "the cuddling is a very close second to the sex."

The next day, we made up for our exhaustion the night before, Veronica waking me up, biting on my nipples. After a very pleasant hour in bed, we continued in the shower, taking the time to soap each other thoroughly, wringing every single moan and gasp from each other. My legs were shaking by the time we were done and Veronica took another five minutes before she could string a coherent sentence together.

After a quick breakfast since our morning exercise took so long, we headed over to Keiths.

Mac, Dick, and Wallace were already there, enjoying coffee waiting on us before decorating the tree. The whole day was perfect. We cooked, laughed, ate until we couldn't eat anymore before settling down to watch A Christmas Story.

Veronica mouthed along with the words of the movie, playing with my hand that was in her lap, her head against my shoulder. It was everything to me. I was surrounded by my family, in love with the girl of my dreams. As I looked at each of our friends and Keith, I realized that this was the moment. The movie was ending and everyone was getting up to stretch before we started the next one. I took Veronica's hand and dragged her under the mistletoe that Dick had hung by the tree.

There in the soft light of the twinkle lights I kissed her softly.

"Veronica, I love you." I whispered.

"I love you." She smiled at me, gazing up at me with that love clearly in her eyes.

"Marry me." I said, taking her left hand from around my neck and pulling the ring out with my other hand. I held it up and she stared at me in surprise.

I knew everyone was staring at us, but I didn't care. I only had eyes for her. I waited anxiously, resisting the urge to run my hand over the back of my neck as time seemed to stretch on forever.

Finally, when I had given up any hope of an answer, she smiled. I held my breath.

"Yes." She answered and I slipped the ring on her finger, dropping a kiss on it as it slid home. I picked her up, spinning her around as we kissed. Vaguely I heard the others shouting congratulations, but I only had eyes for Veronica. Finally, I put her down, leaning down for just one more kiss.

"You said yes." I am still surprised.

"Logan, you're what I need." She says. "I need my life to be with you. I love you."

"Veronica Mars, I love you so much. I can't wait to spend my life with you."

We've been through so much to get here. While my speech senior year didn't turn out as I hoped, it really was prophetic. Spanning years, continents, lives ruined, bloodshed. But we picked up all the pieces, alone and together, and built something that will last the ages. We truly are epic.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Covers (yellowcrayonwillow fics)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27829402) by [VeronicaMarsFanArt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeronicaMarsFanArt/pseuds/VeronicaMarsFanArt)




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